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// I Am a Scammer 
// Story: What Could Be: Or How I Learned That The Mind Can Go In Many Directions 
// by BronyWriter 
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Hard Head's heart started beating a little faster. This was it; the call he'd been trying to get for his entire scamming career. A scared old pony who was willing to pay anything to stay out of trouble. The perfect mark. He just needed to tune out his conscience screaming at him that he was being a horrible pony. Things would get easier after the first time.

"I don't know how I can pay," Happy Day moaned. "I'm on a fixed income, and I need that money for things like medication and doctor's appointments. If I pay the full amount, I won't be able to afford things like that."

"Ma'am, which would you prefer? If you don't pay your income tax then you won't get your medication in prison, but if you, then you'll be out of prison and can maybe have ponies around you help pay for your medication and doctor's appointments."

"Maybe... is it possible that I can go on some sort of payment plan? Maybe twenty or thirty bits a month until I can get it paid off."

Hard Head quietly sighed, a small ball of pressure slowly building up in his chest. The hopeful tone she had at the payment plan idea wasn't helping matters much. Hard Head briefly considered it. Twenty bits was better than nothing, and he wouldn't have to destroy this mare's life. But no, if she had family, then they would take care of her. Maybe... maybe she could even get help from Princess Celestia or somepony like that. They had to have... something for her. Yes. Certainly. Hard Head adjusted his headset and took a deep breath.

"Ma'am, I'm afraid that I cannot do that. Our policy forbids that for the purposes of making sure that suspects do not default on their payment plans. Besides, even we did set up a plan, there would be an interest rate of between thirty-six and fifty-five percent based on the individual case, compounding, I'm afraid, and given your situation, I am of the belief that the number would be closer to the fifty-five. I'm sorry, Ma'am, but we need the full amount."

Hard Head only heard crying on the other side of the headset, and the ball of pressure increased. He cleared his throat and began rubbing it away while waiting for her to calm down. He waited for a solid five minutes before Happy Day finally calmed down enough to speak again.

"So..." She sniffled again. "So what do I have to do?"

Hard Head tightened his jaw. "Er... firstly, do you have a Barnyard Bargains around? Something where you could pick up some gift cards?"

"Er... I suppose that I do. It might take me a while to get over there to get them. Twenty minutes, maybe?"

"Very well. Just as long as you get them before my shift is over. If you do not get them before we close, I shall give your arrest warrant to the local authorities."

"No, don't do that! Happy Day pleaded. "I'm going right now."

"Very good," Hard Head said. "Once you are there, pick up two thousand bit gift cards and four five hundred bit gift cards. However, I must strongly caution you to not talk to any of the managers or other workers there. If you do, they will either call the local authorities to have you arrested for tax evasion themselves, or they will charge you a great amount of interest, making the cards unaffordable, and they will pocket the difference."

"W-well I don't know about that, sir. Mr. Stock Shelf has always been very kind to me, and I don't think that he would turn me in for tax evasion or steal from me."

"Maybe he won't steal from you, but he may turn you in because he knows that he can either turn you in for the reward money or face prosecution himself for turning a blind eye to illegal activity. That also reminds me: If they ask you why you are buying so many gift cards, you must tell them that it is for your personal use. If they try to tell you that I am a scammer, it is just so they can turn you in to get the reward money."

"I'm telling you: I can't see either Mr. Stock Shelf or any of his workers doing that," Happy Day insisted. "They're a very kind group of ponies."

"They may be, but they are doubtlessly trained to question such large gift card purchases and act according to what I have said," Hard Head replied. "Even the nicest ponies..." He grimaced and cleared his throat. "Even the nicest of ponies can act differently when there is a large sum of money on the line."

"I guess you're right."

Happy Day didn't say anything after that. Hard Head grabbed a pen in his magic and began idly tapping it on the notepad next to his phone. He slid part of his headset off, listening to the dozens of other ponies scamming other ponies just like he was doing to Happy Day. He occasionally heard Fast Talker giving encouragement and advice to his new co-workers. He just sat back and listened to the sound of theft all around him. Finally, he heard Happy Day on the other side of the headset.

"Alright, Mr. Collector, I'm at Barnyard Bargains. I've grabbed the six gift cards like you've asked."

"Good. Now go purchase them. Once again: do not let them know what they are for. You can never fully trust them."

"If you say so. It just doesn't sound like something they'd do." Hard Head's hear began pounding as he heard Happy Day make her way up to the register where he heard the voice of a twenty-something mare greet her. This was it. The make-or-break moment.

"Hey there, Miss Day! You having a good day?"

"Oh, er... yes, I think so."

"Happy to hear it. What'cha gettin' today?"

"Oh, just these gift cards, dearie. They're for... my grandchildren.

The mare paused, causing Hard Head's heart to beat faster. This mare's suspicions were the only thing in the way of a big haul.

"Uh, not that I'm prying, but... four thousand bits in gift cards is a lot for two children. You sure it's for them?"

"Oh... completely sure. It's almost Hearth's Warming, after all. Why not spoil them a bit?"

"Well... I guess so. It's just... did somepony tell you to buy these? Like, they wanted you to pay off some debt to the government, or something?"

"Oh, aha, no, no, of course not, dearie. They're for my grandchildren. One of them is about to graduate from high school, and the other one from middle school. It's an exciting time!

"Just? They don't graduate until summer and it's winter."

"Well, better early than late, I always say. So... the cards?"

"If... if you say so. You'd tell me if somepony was forcing you to buy these, right? Sometimes they say things like how we'll call the cops or charge interest, or something like that."

Hard Head held his breath. Now or never.

"Oh, I assure you that nopony is doing that. These are for my grandchildren. They'll really love them."

"Okayyy. Uh, I hope so, then. Let me just... ring these up."

"I appreciate it, dearie. This is going to be very good for... my grandchildren."

"Good. Just... seriously, you know that me and the rest of the crew here wouldn't do anything bad to you. Sometimes bad ponies try to trick you by saying stuff like that."

"Oh, I know all about that, dearie," Happy Day replied with a slightly uneasy laugh. "But these are for my grandchildren."

"If you say so. That'll be four thousand bits."

"Er... yes. Of course. Let me get my checkbook. One moment." Hard Head took a deep, quiet breath. This was it. The moment when all of his efforts would finally come to fruition was almost here. "Alright. Here you go."

"Alright. Let me just submit it. Okay... and... there you go. The check cleared. Here are your cards."

"Oh, that's great. Thank you so much."

"Yeah. I hope your grandchildren appreciate those."

"I'm sure that they will. Have a good day now."

"Yeah. You too."

"Okay, so don't talk to me until you are out of the Barnyard Bargains and are somewhere alone. Once you are, scratch off the silver strip on the back of the cards and read me the numbers."

"And when I do, I won't owe you anything?"

"Not a penny, ma'am. Now, can you read me those numbers?"

"Of course. I think I have a spare bit in here that I can use to scratch the silver part off."

"Whenever you are ready."

Hard Head brought the tip of his pen close to the notepad and began jotting the numbers of all six gift cards down. With each one tension eased from his shoulders, but a slight pressure began building in his chest. Even if he didn't take the cards now, the mare had still wasted four thousand bits on cards she could be using on other things. By the end, though, Hard Head had all six numbers.

"Okay, that's the last one. Does this mean that I don't have to pay the government anymore?"

"That is exactly what it means, ma'am. Now good day."

"But what should I do about my med--"

Hard Head hit the hang up button on his headset and leaned back with a sigh. He'd done it. He'd actually done it. Months of attempts and spectacular fails had led to this. He'd successfully pulled off a scam for the first time.

"Hey! How are you doing over here?"

Hard Head forced a smile on his face and turned around to see Fast Talker standing behind him. "Oh, good. Really good." He motioned to the notepad. "Just got four thousand bits from somepony. Didn't take that long, either."

Fast Talker grinned and slapped Hard Head on the shoulder. "Now that's what I like to hear! Four thousand; not a bad haul at all. Can I get the numbers?"

"Oh, sure." Hard Head lit his horn and tore the top page of numbers off of his notepad and floated it over to Fast Talker, who folded it up and put it in his suit jacket. 

"Very well done. Since this is your first successful time, you get a nice little bonus from that. Two hundred bits isn't too bad at all!"

Hard Head gave Fast Talker a weak smile. "Two hundred on top of the usual?"

Fast Talker scoffed and waved his hoof. "No, no, nothing like that. What are we, a charity? No, two hundred bits overall. But hey, keep up the good work!" Fast Talker slapped Hard Head's shoulder again. "We're expecting big things from you. You're already doing great. But..." He motioned to Hard Head's desk. "Back to it. The more time sitting here talking to me, the more time you waste calling ponies."

"Yes sir," Hard Head muttered before turning back to his desk. He adjusted his headset and looked at the next number in line. His stomach tightened at the thought of Happy Day and how he had possibly ruined her life, all for two hundred bits in his own pocket. He could just leave. Walk out the door and let Princess Twilight know about what was happening.

But no. He'd already successfully scammed someone. He'd get in trouble. He was in too deep now. With another deep breath, he began dialing the number.


*  *  *  *


"Everypony get down on the ground with your forelegs spread out in front of you! If I see any magic, there's gonna be Tartarus to pay!"

Hard Head barely had time to react to the sound of the doors to the call center breaking down before the shouting started. He flinched back and nearly fell out of his chair as he heard the sound of the Guard rushing into the room to arrest them all. He heard Fast Talker's protestations, followed by the sound of him being tackled to the ground. He backed out of his cubicle and glanced at the back door. Nopony was there. He was just about to start sneaking in its direction when it burst open and more guards rushed into the room. 

"On the ground now!" One of the guards pointed at Hard Head. "I said on the ground!"

Hard Head grimaced, but slowly laid down on the ground as the guards instructed. He squeezed his eyes shut and flinched when he felt hoofcuffs being put on his forelegs. He whimpered to himself, but knew he could do anything but stay quiet and cooperate. Maybe nopony from Ponyville would hear about this. Especially not...

"Hard Head?"

Hard Head groaned at the voice, but looked up to see Princess Twilight looking down at him with a confused frown, while Tempest Shadow glared at him.

"What are you doing here?" Princess Twilight asked, walking up to him. "I haven't seen you in months."

"I think it's obvious what I'm doing here," Hard Head muttered, looking back to the floor. 

"I know what you were doing here, but that's not what I'm asking. I'm asking why you're here," Princess Twilight said. 

"Does it even matter at this point?" Hard Head replied. "There's nothing that I can say."

"Pathetic," Tempest growled. "Not even brave enough to look her in the eyes."

"Tempest, calm down," Princess Twilight said. "Get him with the others, then we can figure out what to do from there."

"Very well, Princess." Hard Head grimaced when Tempest grabbed him and pulled him to his hooves. "Up you go, scammer filth! There's a nice, comfy, crowded jail cell waiting for you." 

Hard Head began trudging in the direction of the front door where several other guards were herding his co-workers out of the room. He chanced one last glance back at Princess Twilight, who returned it with a sad look and a shake of her head. She didn't look at him for more than a few moments before turning around and walking away.