June, 19th, Saturday, 2022
I grumble a bit more as I place the last stack of papers for the day down on Clipper’s desk. Clipper looks up from some paperwork she was already filing and sighs. “Not another one,” she whines.
“Oh don’t worry, it’s just one goddamn category,” I grumble irritably.
“Really? Why?” Clipper asks as she starts moving the new stack.
“Apparently, some asshole from Canterlot decided to have a board meeting. I was requested to go to one,” I explain. “And I said hell no. So of course, they moved it to commence here in my office building.” Clipper tilts her head as she glances up at me.
“If that’s the case, why do you need to go to this meeting? What’s it about?” She questions.
“I dunno, some sort of budget bullshit that I couldn’t give a fuck about,” I mutter as I stop to just look around. So far, the Border’s doing great. We have a bit more income, a bit more services are being used, less terrorist attacks happen, and we even got some better furniture as well as utilities. Not only do we have working shitters now, we have shitters that don’t break every three days! My office building has gotten a little renovated, where there’s now a second floor for stuff like meetings not unlike the shitfest I’m about to go to. About five or six rooms are upstairs, two of which are used for meetings or talks, one room is a break room with a vending machine and water-dispenser, and the last two rooms are for meetings for workers here. “As far as I’m concerned, I’m one of the only people that’s actually making a fair bit of progress.” Clipper giggles at my grumbling.
“I’m sure it isn’t that bad,” she says. “Besides, you and Lucky are rivaling, right?” Oh yeah, Lucky was surprised at how well things are going. I don’t know why, but she kinda declared that she’d take me on as a personal challenge. We joke about it more than anything else, but the press kinda took it literally. And now, there’s a small yet constant debate on which checkpoint is better amongst the guards.
“So?”
“So, she’s bound to make it interesting, if nothing else,” Clipper says with a bit of attempting comfort. I nod.
“You’re right... I could probably start a shit show by starting a huge argument with everyone,” I say with a slight smile. Clipper looks at me with a bit of a shocked expression.
“N-no, that’s not-“ Her words are not heard, as I just continue my train of thought.
“Hell, if Celestia comes as well, we could really start a party! I could keep making fun of Sunbutt and horrify everyone!” I say with slight malicious intent.
“Sir, please,” Clipper pleads, putting her head down as she’s starting to regret her choices.
“This’ll teach her to force me to go to this meeting! Thanks Clipper, I knew there was another reason I hired you,” I say, patting her head before cheerfully going back into my office.
“Ugh, that’s not what-“ Clipper finally looks up to see I’m gone as the door slams close. She sighs. “Well, at least I cheered him up...” With that, she goes back to work.
It’s the next day, and the meeting is about to start. We’re in a meeting room in the second floor, where all the chairs have been taken up by several ponies from various Checkpoints. At the head of the table, sits Celestia, who’s doing great at smiling like a Barbie doll. To her right, I sit with a displeased look on my face. Finally. to my right, is Lucky, who’s trying to look professional. I'm not happy at all since my plan to start a shitshow got Celestia mad before the meeting even began. One thorough lecture later and I’m specifically sat down next to her. “So, when do these chuckle fucks leave?" I ask Celestia.
"Patience Anon, I'm sure it'll be done quickly," she says. She clears her throat, grabbing everyone's attention. Most of the ponies in here look rich, if the suit jackets are anything to go by. "Thank you all for attending this monthly meeting, I would like to thank Mr Anon for allowing this-"
"I didn't allow shit," I point out. Celestia keeps her smile and simply looks at me. “... Just wanted to clear that up.” I can feel her anger through the smile.
"... As I was saying, this month's meeting is about budget planning. It has come to my attention that there are certain Checkpoints that don't use their money very well," she says. "Normally, I would not make a deal about it, nor would I normally call out names-" Celestia stops to give a disapproving look torwards some ponies in the room. "Rascal, Dawn, and Pokey," she says. She regains her composure before continuing. "But it would seem that funding for Checkpoints seems to go to waste since certain Checkpoints over spend to the point that the crown is indebt to third parties." Lucky and I scoff loudly. Celestia gives us a stern glare before continuing. "Miss Runner, please elaborate us on how you manage your Checkpoint," Celestia says. Lucky nods and jumps out of her chair.
"Need a stool?" I ask. "Or does a booster seat work just as well?" Lucky stops herself from laughing, having gotten used to my humor.
"A stool's fine asshat," she replies. The ponies listening are already either shocked or horrified. Lucky magically brings up a stool so that she can be seen. "Alright, first off, never spend bits on unnecessary items a Checkpoint doesn't need."
"What, like the chocolate treats Canterlot does?" I ask. Celestia face hoofs.
"Anon, the chocolate is important," Lucky says. "It helps support the idea that Canterlot is a welcoming place." Lucky stops to regain her focus. "Next, plan out what you need depending on what is around you."
"Like a chocolate milk dispenser if the complimentary chocolate's too much," I say, nodding sagely.
"Anon, shut up," Lucky says nonchalantly. "Anyway, I normally spend some funding on any improvements regarding the security’s armor or defense."
"And chocolate," I add. Lucky merely deadpans at me.
"... Anyway, it's important to increase security when events like holidays and memorials are coming up for the increased traffic that's bound to happen." Lucky pauses, looking at me. I simply stare right back. "... What, no chocolate comment?"
"Does it always have to be about chocolate with you? Don't you think you need to lay off the sweets?" I ask, shaking my head. Lucky just sighs and shakes her head.
"Well, thank you Miss Runner, your wisdom with finances is crucial for stability of funding," Celestia says.
"You know what, what does Anon have to say about any of this?" Lucky asks. My eyes get a sort of glimmer as Celestia silently panics.
"Erm, please, no, I think we-"
"Alright shitbags and Fuck knuckles," I call as Lucky and I trade places. Lucky simply smiles as she walks to her seat. "First off, don't buy stupid shit. You would think that's obvious, but apparently it's not. Like for instance, Celestia thought that investing in a cake maker was a great idea." Celestia silently accepts her fate and consequences as she just frowns. "Second off, if you think you want it, shut the fuck up, no one gives a shit about what the hell you want. I wanted a good shit this morning, but apparently I couldn’t."
"He's a bold one, isn't he?" A pony says.
"Shut up sackless, I'm just getting started," I say. "Anyway, always make sure your guard and workers are in tip top shape, and not some fucking brainless airhead. One of my guys can’t tell the difference between wood and rocks. I wish I was fucking exaggerating. Also, don't try to do clever shit like shortcuts, it's not clever and you'll damn well regret it later."
"Princess, why are you letting him insult us like this?" A pony calls.
"... It's just his personality. It's rather charming once you get used to it," Celestia responds.
"So? What makes his Checkpoint better than any of ours?" Another pony calls.
"Yo, is it your turn to talk? No? Then shut the fuck up," I call out. I turn to Celestia. “As I was saying, if I could go back in time and stop Hitler, I wouldn’t. I’d go back in time and become an art teacher. Then I’d move to Germany. You know what’ll happen next? Hitler would be in my class and I’d be the one to make sure Hitler failed in art school. But hey, I wouldn’t stop there, because history would still lead to World War Two, so I’d fail Hitler and then kick his ass as punishment.” I stop to take a breath. “So remember, don’t take a short cut to stop Hitler, take the long path to be the one to really fuck him up.” I turn to Celestia. “Can I leave now?" She shakes her head with a stern look as everyone else is still processing the impromptu history lesson I just gave them. . I groan. "C'mon, I talked a whole bunch and I'm tired. Isn't that what makes up a board meeting?"
"Anon, although what you've said is accurate and rather blunt, I still want you to attend the rest of this meeting." I deadpan at her. “There might be something that-“
"How about no," I say.
"How about you sit down and just please, please act like an adult for five seconds. Maybe you'll get something out of this," Celestia says, losing her patience. I look around and remember that the windows aren't upgraded yet. I look at the door to see that it's in a golden aura, which means Celestia's determined to keep me in here. Well, you know what? Fuck that noise.
I turn to Celestia. "Now, I'm gonna do what's called, a pro gamer move." I stretch my arms and pop my back. As everyone looks at me in confusion, I make a running start towards a window. Celestia reels back in horror as she realizes what I'm doing.
"Wait- Anon- No!-" With that, I quickly brace myself.
"Yeet!" I yell as I crash through the glass and thin wood. I quickly remember that I was on the second floor. Fuck. I land on the concrete and groan loudly in pain as I start a string of curses. "Oh fuck, sonova bitch, dammit, fuck-" I start getting myself up as some guards walk over. One of which is Spearhead. I think I broke a bone in either my arm or my rib. I can't tell due to the pain.
"Anon, did you just-"
"Get me a God damn medic!"
Everyone in the meeting room just stares out the window in absolute shock. Celestia, not sure if she was truly expecting that, walks over to the window to see if I was fine. Thankfully, she sees me yelling more curse words as a medic's using magic to heal me. She takes a personal note to expect this a bit more.
"What in Tartarus was that!?" One pony yells. "He just jumped out the window!"
"What kind of moron does that?" Another pony says.
"Apparently a moron who isn't in debt," Lucky calls out. Celestia just barely manages to hide her smirk before turning to face everyone.
"Since it appears that Mr Anon is away at the moment, we will conclude this meeting with Anon's words in our heart. Although the way he put it was rather blunt, rude, and especially confusing, he was... Slightly right," Celestia says. Truth be told, she really has no idea what I was actually talking about. She was a bit too annoyed at the time to listen. She shakes her head. "Anyway, my little ponies, you are dismissed."