//------------------------------// // Blood // Story: Odd One Out // by Holy //------------------------------// Wallflower lethargically tugged at the collar to her stiff sweater. Another day of uncomfortable heat as the winds of winter refused to find her and cool the air after such a warm Autumn. The hard concrete of the school's front steps radiated a soreness through her butt. A quick glance at her phone told her she'd been there for half an hour waiting for that response. She flicked through her phone, doing her best to ignore the crowd as their shoes caused a low rumble on the steps around her. Once she pressed Sunset's name in her list of messages, her heart sank in her chest and she slumped forward onto her knees. Hey, you want to hang out after school today? Wallflower's last text read as it brushed up against the other unanswered one from last night. She let out a soft sigh and scooted herself further down to the side of the stairs and held her knees close to her chest. The students going home were thinning out compared to the massive flood of teenagers from earlier, but each one of them made the side of her body that faced them flare in apprehension. She did her best to shove down the impending instinct to get away, hoping that this time Sunset might actually answer her. The edges of Wallflower's eyes stung with that all-too-familiar fatigue. The last time she remembered seeing on the TV when she changed the channel was 4:30 a.m. before she passed out. Getting to school three hours after that didn't exactly leave much room for rest. 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　You don't deserve it anyway. The pounding in the center of her brain was a constant reminder that something was wrong, some need her body had hadn't been met, but it was nothing new. Her stomach growled at her and she did her best to swallow back the harsh burning bubbling up from her gut. That weird place between starving and nauseous was never fun, and the concoction of junk food she got from the gas station at 3 a.m. wasn't doing her any favors either. She contemplated what might happen if she stretched out on the concrete and let off the low whines her body would prefer her to let out. 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　No one would care 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　They'd be happy to see you dying You'd just be an annoyance like always 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Why would anyone ever bother to try to help you Wallflower brought her hands up to her eyes and groaned. She let herself fall to her side and her green hair sprawled out haphazardly over the concrete. She didn't care... no one else did either. She brought up the dim light of her cellphone to her face again, looking through her messages thinking maybe she just missed one. One of the girls had to at least notice she didn't show up for lunch today, right? There was nothing. No text, no call, no Mystable message or update. She checked all the girl's feeds, too... three times. Everything was just fine without her. Nobody missed her, nobody checked on her. Everyone's lives were exactly the same with her gone. It's how it's always going to be 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Nothing was ever going to change They never wanted to be around you 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Just stop trying She let out another low groan and rubbed her eyes. Her free thumb tapped on the keyboard of her phone a few times and pressed send. Sunset? Are you there? it said. 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　She's not going to answer, you know If she wanted to talk to you, she would have already The sweat made her skin feel sticky on the inside of her sweater. The unkempt lengths of green hair matted against her head and stuck to her cheek as the heat of the afternoon seemed to get worse. Wallflower tensed her fists and clenched her eyelids tight again. The urge to scream as loud as her lungs would possibly allow boiled over inside her. "It wasn't supposed to be like this anymore," she said, bringing her hands up to her face again. The scream settled into that uncomfortable wetness welling up behind her eyes. The rumble of the students around her was dying down. With no response buzzing on the phone lying on her chest, she knew it'd be silent again before too long. Wallflower sprung up and shoved her phone into her pocket. No use holding out hope for anything now. She pushed herself off that uncomfortable concrete and wiped the sweat off her brow. She did her best to soothe herself of the few pleasant memories of the one place around the school she actually enjoyed. There would be better than here. Anywhere was better than here. The cooler days of the past few weeks did Wallflower's garden no favors. The once-brilliant combination of greens, reds, yellows, blues, and whites was now browned and dormant, leaving only the occasional hints of the wonderful hues that once adorned her space. The horrid crunch of dead leaves covered the once-vibrant grass and left the one place she felt safest just as dead and uncaring as the rest of the world around her. The universe didn't even bother to grace her with a cool breeze as she walked through it, running her hand across the rock fixtures jutting up from the earth. She kicked around a few of the loose stones, doing her best not to think about that familiar divet in the middle of her garden. Nothing felt right anymore. Wallflower gripped her arms tight to her chest as her eyes dared to glance at the spot. "It was supposed to be different now..." she said to herself. That outstretched hand, that forgiving smile... She wasn't supposed to need that power anymore, but more and more she found her hand aching for the familiar weight and the rough texture of the Memory Stone. At least then everyone could forget her endless stream of awkward moments and she could finally let loose the outbursts she tore herself apart over withholding. Every little mistake could disappear into that stone, all for her. She let out a sigh and shook her head. I almost ruined Sunset's life over a little jealousy... I don't deserve that kind of power, she thought to herself. 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 ...You only deserve one thing Wallflower gripped her temples and let out a frustrated groan. She tried her best to guide her mind to the memories where a smile was actually on her face. How many flower arrangements she lovingly planted in the earth here, watching her hard work blossom and grow, and the immense satisfaction at finally being able to step back and be proud of something in her life, something she made. The fond memories clashed with the sleeping plant life around her. 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　It was never going to last You would've failed anyway 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Everything you touch dies 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 The world would be better off without you The leaves below her flew up into the air as she fell to her knees. "Not today..." she said, grabbing at her temples even harder. Despite the sun finally slipping behind the trees, the temperature refused to fall with it. The combination of the heat, her sour stomach, the pounding headache, and the exhaustion wore her down until her heart started beating wildly in her chest. That all-too-familiar tension gripped at her insides and she had to do something fast before it got out of control. Her breaths were shallow and strained, and she struggled around in the leaves as it felt like she could hardly get any air at all. Without even thinking, she ripped her sweater off and threw it down into the leaves in front of her. The impending panic attack slowed for now. The tank top she had on let her body finally feel some cooling air, even if the uncomfortable feeling of her skin being exposed added fuel to the fire of that anxiety. She held herself tight and looked around the barren garden just in case. Nobody would ever bother her here, but the thought of being seen without her sweater was never a pleasant one. Wallflower breathed in a sigh of relief as her stomach finally settled in the comfort of the air flowing through the trees. She searched her mind for something else she could do here to just feel a little better... rocks she could organize, a fixture to rearrange, something to find that familiar feeling of contentedness again. Her head curved around to look for anything she might've left behind to do... but she'd decided she'd wait until Spring so the place could look as good as possible. 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Stupid She let out a defeated whine at the realization. It was back home, or... no. Wallflower desperately clung to the possibility that she wouldn't need to go back to that. Her friends were there for her now. Things were supposed to get better. She was supposed to get better. 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 But you aren't You'll never get better 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Everything will always get worse 　　　　　　　　　　　 You'll always be a worthless failure 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 Nobody will ever really care about you 　　　　 You'll always be alone Just give up 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　They all hate you anyway If they even remember you exist 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Just go 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　No one will miss you Wallflower pulled her phone out of her pocket. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she knew if she didn't do something quick, she'd end up passing out in a pool of her own sweat in the leaves below. She clenched her eyes tightly shut as she held her phone out in her hand. Am I really going to do this again... She looked down at that dark screen. That one little friend could help... She told herself she was done once she wouldn't be ignored anymore, that her new friends were all she needed... But that wasn't the truth. Wallflower yanked off the hard plastic of her phone case and let that little bit of silver shine in the growing moonlight as it bounced off her thigh and landed in the leaves. The glint of that familiar metal made Wallflower's wrists itch. It was time again; she was really about to do this. She picked up the double-edged razor out of the grass and looked it over. She could feel the relief washing over her already as she studied the odd cutout in the middle and the mirror sheen of the sharp edges. Her forearm timidly raised up into the moonlight with her hand overturned, exposing her wrist and the hundreds of little nicks and scratches that scarred her all the way up to the bicep. The sight made her stomach turn again when she looked herself over... all the damage she'd done to herself over the years. It didn't matter that much though--there was no going back now. She let the blade fall to her wrist and sit there for a moment, the thin metal digging into her skin already at even the slightest pressure. The long tracks of uneven scratches were like tally marks, counting how many days she'd put herself through this, how many times she fell back into this same old habit. She closed her eyes again, a short debate in her head raging about the torn, scratched flesh that used to be her forearm. 　　　　　　　　　　 You're a monster 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　You're disgusting No one could ever love that With another frustrated whimper, Wallflower dragged the blade across her wrist, letting the first little bits of blood bubble up from the thin, little scratch. In an instant, the voice was gone. The torrent of confusion and frustration, self-hatred and fear; it was all gone. The stinging in her wrist drew her focus and it felt like she could finally breathe again. She lined up the razor for another run and dragged it down, just a little deeper this time. The harsh cut drew every last bit of her focus onto the red line forming on her wrist. Her otherwise raging insides finally quieted down once there was some other damage to be concerned about. It was a comfortable clarity, as she marked herself with more and more relieving pain. The searing from the cuts in the open air was nothing compared to the torture of being alone with herself, and now that she'd dragged that bit of metal across her wrist, there was no stopping now, not until she knew the stinging from those wounds would last her through the night. Another red streak, another little bubble of blood. Her breathing was steady, normal, as she carved her troubles into her arm. Every time she reset she felt that same rush of control. She was responsible for the direction, the pressure, the length. She was the one who could finally focus long enough to be the one holding the steering wheel. Wallflower knew it was wrong, that she was only making things worse by doing this again... but it was the only feeling she could truly rely on to be consistent any longer. It was almost euphoric, not having to think anymore. All her world was anymore was that little shaving razor and the stinging of her separated skin. She wasn't smiling, but she didn't have to. The horrible feeling of being millions of miles away from her own body, being trapped behind a pane of glass just watching your life play out... it was finally gone. In those little lines of blood, she was present, in these woods she could finally feel like she was there, alive as herself, even if just for a few hours. This was only the beginning. The scratches on her arm were up to a dozen now, but that wasn't enough. Wouldn't be enough for this relapse. After so long, she wanted all the time in the world to finally be present like this again, to just be able to feel something besides misery for just a while longer. She let the razor fall into her other hand. If both of her arms were covered, the stinging was almost overwhelming. Nothing was going to be able to pierce through so much of her skin yelling at her with pain. The edge sat at the top of her untouched wrist. It was so much easier this time to let it glide down the scarred skin once she'd already gotten going. "Wallflower?" The voice cut through the focus of the night and made Wallflower's heart jump as she instinctively jerked her arms close to her chest. She winced as the razor flipped out of her hand, blood from the harsh gash it just inflicted splatted over the metal. "Hey, I thought I might find you here," Sunset said as her voice moved closer. Wallflower could heal the leaves rustling under her boots with every step. Her heart raced wildly in her chest as she looked for some way to hide the strikes on her arm. Her eyes darted around frantically, but all she could do was curl up and hunch over her marred wrists. "Is... Is everything alright, Wallflower?" Sunset the crunching of leaves was right behind her now. Wallflower leaned her head away, hoping her 'friend' would just leave her alone. "Hey, are you--" Wallflower opened her eyes to see Sunset kneeling down right beside her. She instinctively popped up to her feet and took a few steps back, keeping her arms as close to her chest as possible and turned away. "I'm fine, okay!" she blurted out. Wallflower edged herself closer to the dark shade of the forest. "I just want to be alone right now." Sunset stood up and blinked a few times. "Oh... Well, I got your text. I texted you back but when I didn't get a response I figured you might be here. What's... what's going on?" Sunset looked down from her friend and into the leaves around her. The garden was littered with Wallflower's haphazardly thrown sweater, her naked phone, and its case, and... Wallflower closed her eyes and shook her head. The bloody razor. There was no explaining that one. "Is this...?" Sunset knelt down to pick the little strip of metal. With a quick motion, Wallflower jumped forward and snatched the offending object out of her friend's hands, leaving a couple more cuts on the inside of her palm for good measure. "It's nothing, okay? Please, just go away, Sunset." A look of intense worry washed over Sunset's face. She tried to crane her neck over her friend's shoulder to see the damage, but Wallflower just hugged her arms tighter in response. "Wallflower... I'm your friend. Why didn't you tell me? I could've..." Rage boiled up inside Wallflower's stomach. She gritted her teeth and looked away, doing her best not to scream at the girl beside her. "Please, Sunset. Please just go away." "I'm not going to leave you alone when you need help. You don't have to do this to yourself. We can find anoth--" "I said leave me alone!" she said as she took another step back. "I don't want to hear it anymore, Sunset. You said you were going to help before. All that happened was I ended up like this again!" Sunset blinked a few times and took a step back. The sudden, harsh tone left a wounded expression on her face, but Wallflower didn't care. Everything was so messed up... what did it even matter anymore? "Please, Wallflower. Just let me help you." She took a step forward in the darkness and reached out her hand. "We can get this cleaned up and then--Wo-a-oah!" Wallflower's eyes went wide as Sunset touched her bare arm. In a panic she swung as hard as she could to get away from Sunset's grip, yanking the poor girl down into a nearby rock formation. Wallflower couldn't help but gasp as she watched Sunset's head bounce off the stone. She took a few steps back as Sunset crumpled to the ground. With a shaky hand, she reached out to her pained friend, panic gripping her again as Sunset gripped her head tightly and let out a few strained whines. With a harsh grimace, Sunset took her hand away from her forehead for just a moment with her body awkwardly draped over the rock formation. Blood coated her hand and that harsh, bright red ran down her soft, orange cheeks. Wallflower's breath quickly caught in her throat at the sight. You did that 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 This is your fault 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 She never should've met you "I... I... I'm so sorry," Wallflower barely managed to whisper out. Panic tightened up her organs like a vice and despite the scratches across her forearm, her mind went right back to rushing through hundreds of incoherent thoughts that did nothing but add to her terror. "I... I..." She stammered for a moment, her entire body seizing up at the damage she just caused. Wallflower knew she had to do something, but her entire body refused to move and her mind was caught between cursing her own existence and unintelligible fright gripping her every thought. Wallflower's legs turned of their own accord and she bolted through the untrodden path of fallen sticks and leaves. Her legs sprinted faster than she was ever comfortable with, and her shoes slipped on every other errant twig, sending her stumbling into the leaves as she desperately tried to get away. Images of her friend's bloody face stuck into her mind like an arrow as she ran. 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　You could've killed her 　　　　　　　　　　　You didn't even bother to help 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　You're a monster You're still holding the razor 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 You're a selfish little freak 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 Do the world a favor already No one will miss you