The soft chatter of the lunchroom sounded more like the screaming of a thousand choirs as Wallflower stood at the end of the lunch line. The bright orange lights and colors of the cafeteria were dotted with a distracting palette of everyone's fashion choice, and the smell of the cheap school food wafting up from the serving line was enough to stoke the growing headache in Wallflower's mind. Her skin crawled as she glanced back and forth at the other students around her. The close proximity of others was enough to set off all of her usual internal alarms, but she took in a deep breath to stay strong. Wallflower gripped her cafeteria tray tightly once it was filled with the usual cheap off-brand mix of approved foods. Turning into the lunch room made the pit in her stomach grow as the memories of making that awful walk to an empty table stoked the flames of her anxiety. She closed her eyes and took in another long, deep breath. It'll be different today. My friends will want to talk to me today, she whispered to herself. The air passing over her lips brought the swirling maelstrom of panic brewing inside her down, but not nearly enough to completely quell the urge to sprint out of the cafeteria and never look back. It'll be different, I have friends now, she repeated.
She glanced around the filled room for those familiar, bright shades of hair. Her friends were usually... ah, right there at the usual corner of the cafeteria.
Friends. Three weeks had passed since Sunset first invited her to call her that and the word still didn't feel right on her tongue--not with them, not with anyone. Wallflower took in another deep, shaky breath and looked up at her target. It was just a few dozen feet away. Sunset and five of her friends poked at their meals and shared smiles and pierced the drone of the other students with an occasional laugh. The familiar sting of resentment swept through her at the sigh. That was supposed to go away once they were all friends, right?
"It's different now, they're my friends," Wallflower said to herself, her volume raised enough to cause a girl walking beside her to give her a raised eyebrow. That familiar, uncomfortable blanket of embarrassment washed over her with a blush once she noticed the weirded-out stare. With a twist of her shoulder she hid her blush under her unkempt green hair. The urge to run nipped at her again, but she looked back up to the empty seat beside Sunset instead. My friends will want to talk to me today, she whispered to herself again. Today is going to be a good day.
"Hey, Wallflower!" Sunset shouted once she caught a glimpse of her. As soon as Wallflower saw her face, the panic building up in her flowed out. The genuine smile on Sunset's face made her lips slowly curl up as well. Having someone genuinely be happy to see her was a feeling she could finally get used to.
"H-hey, Sunset. How's it going?" she asked as she sat down. Wallflower quickly cleared her throat. Wouldn't want another awkward stutter messing up any potential conversations. Sunset's smile stayed, allowing Wallflower to let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding.
"It's going pretty great. I was actually just talking to Fluttershy about something you might be interested in," Sunset said, looking over to her pink-haired friend as she put another spoonful of mashed potatoes in her mouth.
"R-really?" Wallflower looked over, trying to hide the hints of disbelief on her face. Another unfamiliar feeling brought back just a little bit of life in her: excitement. Actually being included in a conversation was new. She did her best to drone out Pinkie's ramblings about the use of a label maker on pastries to a bored Rarity and look across the table at Fluttershy with some respectful eye contact--an article she read online said it was supposed to make people like her more, so couldn't hurt, right?.
"Yeah, what was it you needed, 'Shy?" Sunset asked, pointing her fork up at her friend.
"Oh, I was wondering if you could help me out with something called absi--"
Before Fluttershy could mumble out the rest of her question, Rainbow Dash squeezed in between her and Rarity, slamming her tray haphazardly into the table and slumping down into her seat hard enough to rock every girl sitting around her. Wallflower cringed and turned away from the sudden blast of noise. "Man, you guys would not believe what coach made us do at practice today. I don't know who pissed her off, but I'd suggest not eating too much before you hit P.E.," Dash said with a harsh nudge into Fluttershy's arm. Worry quickly consumed the meek girl's face and she took her eyes off of Wallflower and glued them to Rainbow instead.
"W-what? What's she going to make us do?" Fluttershy asked.
Wallflower cleared her throat. "Wait, Fluttershy, what was it that you--"
"Oh, man. You wouldn't believe how many burpees she made us do. We must've been on those mats for a solid ten minutes before she moved us straight to sprints."
"...Oh my..." Fluttershy said with a hand up to her mouth.
"Yeah, and you won't believe what happened after she broke out the jump ropes. I had no problem with it of course, but you guys are in for it."
Wallflower let out a long sigh and looked down at her food. The joy and excitement deflated out of her like a pierced life boat. She silently shook her head and clenched her fist around her fork. Every day. Every single day since she lost the Memory Stone had been like this. Getting talked over here, or outright ignored there, completely forgotten by everyone more times than she bothered to count. There hadn't been a single day where she got more than two or three sentences in to anyone. Wallflower glanced around the table, looking for a bored set of eyes that might want to look in her direction. It could still be different today, she thought. No. Not today. Everyone was way too enthralled by the torture they were going to receive in gym today to bother ever considering her to talk with.
Her mouth opened to say something to Sunset, or anyone, but she knew exactly how this always went--ignored or waved off in favor of someone or something much more interesting. Wallflower looked away and shut her eyes as tightly as she could, flexing her stomach and fingers to try to quell the anger building up again, and really just to have something else to focus on. It was no use. It was never any use.
The truth slowly but surely started to seep in. Like a monster creeping around in the dark, Wallflower felt uneasy in her seat as the inevitable approached her. The mantra she religiously stuck to all day had crumbled once she sat down, just like it always had. Just another lie she told herself to hide from reality. She let her guard down, realizing there wasn't any point any longer.
They don't want you around
You're just a nuisance to them
You'll never really be their friend
They all wish you'd just run off already
You're just worthless trash to them
None of them would miss you if you disappeared
Just give up... It's time...
.......No one will miss you........
"Wallflower?" Sunset's hand on her arm shocked her back to reality with a gasp. "Are you alright?"
A few blinks were all Wallflower could muster for a moment. "Y-yeah... I'm fine." She looked up into her friends teal eyes to find them looking on her with actual concern. The torrent of panic building up in her stopped again, just for a moment--long enough for her to take a deep breath and give Sunset her best reassuring smile. "I think I'm okay," she said with a weak nod.
The side of Sunset's mouth turned up and she gave Wallflower's forearm a pat. The warmth from the contact was enough to melt those worries away, even just for a moment. "Good. If you're not busy this weekend, I actually wanted to--"
"Oh my god, Sunset! I just remembered!" Twilight said, springing up in her seat. "The deadline for the robotics competition is tomorrow and we haven't calibrated those actuators properly yet. Do you have time tonight to come over?"
"O-oh, right. Yeah, Twi, we can iron it out," Sunset said, slowly pulling her hand away and inviting back in the emptiness it staved off.
Wallflower looked down and gritted her teeth so hard her jaw threatened to cramp. It was all she could do to keep the scream building up inside her from bursting out of her throat. She wanted to yell at every single one of them. The word liar pressed at the back of her mouth, begging to be let out. Her mind went through the motions of envisioning her standing up and screaming at all of them. It'd been weeks of this, of being ignored and forgotten all over again. They said they would be friends, they said things would be different, they said she wouldn't have to...
Wallflower let the plastic fork in her hand clatter into her tray. The vision of her releasing all that pent up frustration left her uneasy. The next scene was easy to predict after an episode like that--ostracism, isolation, ridicule... Nothing would be solved, nothing would get better, all she'd get would be the weirded-out stares of everyone in the lunch room and the ire of her would-be friends. Her palm yearned for the familiar weight of that magical stone. At least then she could scream and make sure no one remembered.
The world around her darkened and everyone else's voice felt like nothing but distant whispers. Wallflower looked down at her food, but her vision felt blurred and unfocused. The anger quickly drained out of her once she realized there was no way out. No control at the end of that enveloping magic eye. Her whole world seemed to slip away, like she was just a passenger in her own body watching from behind a window. That familiar creep of the feeling leaving her body slowly stripped her of all sensation. Her body wasn't hers any longer. She was empty... numb. Wallflower wasn't there with any of them at all anymore... she might as well be in a different plane of existence entirely.
In that lonely void swarmed something horrid. No matter how detached from reality she became, there were always the reminders, little whispers of the truth she could never run from. Without a distraction, they hummed the tune of the truth into her ear, making sure she couldn't ever hide forever. They'd always catch up with her anyway. At a certain point she just had to sit down and listen.
They were never going to care about you
What an idiot you were to think anything would change
No one was ever going to want to be around you
Just accept that you'd always end up like this
You'll never have a real friend
Everyone still hates you for what you did
Only one way out now
It's time, you disposable runt
Do it already No one will miss you
Do it DO IT
Do it
DO IT
They'll never miss you
DO IT
"I have to go," Wallflower blurted out with distress clear in her voice. All the eyes turned to her for a moment as she awkwardly shambled out of her seat to get away. She didn't bother to look back as she walked as fast as her legs could carry her and not look awkward. There might've been a few weak greetings, but probably not. If Wallflower had bothered to look back, she didn't expect to see anything but everyone staring at Rainbow. Why wouldn't they? It's not like they really wanted her there in the end. Every conversation was always the same, left on the sideline and ignored until it was time to make sure she wasn't completely falling apart.
The cafeteria door seemed like it was a continent away as she walked. Wallflower could feel the amused stares at her back and the snickers over her episodes. When all other memories faded, at least there'd be one about the little freak storming out every time she couldn't handle her own anxiety anymore. Wallflower let out a little involuntary whimper and clutched her arms tight to her body. It was a mistake. As the thoughts of laughing behind her filled her mind and tears welled up in her eyes, she couldn't help but want to never be seen again. Great, now you messed up today too...
Wallflower slammed her way through the double doors and out into the hallway. As the low hum of conversation faded behind her, Wallflower wiped at the corner of her eyes with her sweater. It was supposed to be different... things were supposed to get better. Why did I do this? Her mind quickly conjured up a few answers for her, none of them pleasant. Every little bit of truth whispered in her ear nibbled at her already feeble confidence. Her feet guided her to the closest bathroom she could find. At least in there she could hide out the rest of the day.
"Maybe it'll be better tomorrow?" she told herself. Her weak, quivering voice was never going to be enough to fight reality. Her mind quickly answered back to tell her the truth.
Nothing will ever really change
You having friends was just a stupid fantasy
You'll just be ignored again
You're a disposable nuisance
You'll always be the odd one out
The crack of a door slamming echoed throughout Wallflower's little two-bedroom house. She spun around as the outside world finally disappeared from view and fell back onto the wooden door, letting herself slowly slide down to the tile below. Her lungs finally had a chance to relax and let out the breath she'd been holding in. With the prying eyes of every person walking down the street off of her, Wallflower let out a relieved sigh and wiped the sweat off of her forehead.
It was supposed to be winter. The cold nip of the fall air was supposed to be giving way to a frozen Canterlot. Instead the start of winter gave her continuously uncomfortably warm days like this one. The thought of having to go without her favorite wool sweater let the familiar grip of anxiety saunter in. Her otherwise comfortable attire was going to turn into a hot box every time the winter cold fronts failed to show up, but the thought of wearing just a t-shirt to actually be comfortable made the vice on her insides grip even tighter. She tried to take in a deep breath and search her mind for some reassurance, some mantra to repeat to herself...
Wallflower perked up for a moment and leaned forward on her hand, shooting a few tentative glances into the dark living room. "Dad? Are you home?" she asked the silence. The long seconds of nothing tore at her until she finally closed her eyes and let out a low whine. Another soft thud echoed throughout the empty house as she fell back onto her front door. Of course it wasn't today...
With her knees gripped tight to her chest, Wallflower let her head fall forward into the soft comfort of the wool on her forearms. Her dad's business trip would be over... in a week? Two weeks? She couldn't even remember anymore. Not like it really mattered anyway--he'd be home for two or three days then just be gone again for the rest of the month. The soft howl of the wind against the house was the only company she'd have tonight... plenty of time to dwell on her little episode today. Her mind began to wander on its own, the soft whispers of those unintentional thoughts creeping back in with that solemn silence. "No..." Wallflower whispered with a harsh shake of her head. Not now...
Wallflower quickly picked herself up off of the tiles. There had to be something to do around here... something to take care of so to keep herself focused. Any little scrap of positivity could make a world of difference to stave off those awful whispers. Wallflower stretched herself out and fished around for the phone in her pocket. She did her best to envision that little notification emblem... she'd read somewhere visualization like that was supposed to help.
Once the light on the screen washed over her face, all it had to show was that annoying little clock widget. Her thumb swiped open the lock screen and she tapped her texts just to make sure they'd gone through when she was walking home. Both of them, one to Sunset and one to Rarity, both of them just sat there alone and unanswered. Wallflower pursed her lips. Maybe a better apology to Sunset and she might talk to me... she thought as she brought both of her thumbs up to the virtual keyboard and let the possible strings of apologies and emotions form in her mind, but each one sounded worse than the last. Wallflower did her best to push the inevitable thought out of her mind, but denying the truth was pointless.
If she cared enough to talk to you she already would have...
Wallflower let out a defeated whimper. The silence around her slowly crept in again, little tendrils of negativity snaking around in the dark towards her. She grabbed the doorknob behind her and hoisted herself back to her feet. She bit her lip and looked apprehensively down at the phone in her hand. There was always one friend she could fall back on, one friend that could keep the flood of anxiety from gripping her entirely. Her heart pounded loud enough to cut through the silence as she battled over whether or not to start that again. It'd been three weeks... her new friends were supposed to make things better... she wasn't supposed to be alone again...
But there she was, completely isolated again. Her phone would never buzz with the exciting prospect of a new conversation, nobody would come by wanting to hang out with her--by the time tomorrow rolled around she'd be surprised if anyone even remembered her. Her finger pulled back the edge of her phone case and let it snap back to the metal again. Her old friend was only a few motions away, and she knew it'd make this all stop.
Wallflower gritted her teeth and tossed her phone on top of the nearby washing machine. That old friend would only lead her down one path, and it was a darkness she didn't want to be consumed by again. She held her arms close to her chest. It'd be so easy though... nobody would care.
In an effort to give herself something, anything to focus on, Wallflower made her way to the back window and looked out at the dead world outside. The uncomfortable warmth of the mismatched season hadn't made the woods behind her house any less brown and grey. The endless sea of trees and dead leaves stretched out behind the quiet, forgettable neighborhood. The bare branches stretched into the grey, overcast sky and left a mess of dark, scattered scars on the cloudy canvas. The ugly browns of the layers of matted dead leaves left the ground looking like a carcass of the once-beautiful sea of green shrubs and grass that she'd planted and meticulously cared for just a few months ago.
You would've failed anyway
Wallflower gripped her temples and let off a frustrated grunt. She shot upright and stormed back to the washing machine where her phone sat silent. A quick tap of the power button revealed the same blank status bar as before.
They'd rather just forget about you...
The frustration building up inside her quickly morphed into a much more desperate emotion. "Please... just one night without this... please..." she begged herself. She took another shaky, deep breath. "Do something productive... positive... Things will get better," she whispered as she closed her eyes tightly. After a few deep breaths she opened her eyes again to look down at the washing machine. A clean sweater would make her feel better. The little patches of wetness still stuck to the wool from the walk home, making her feel even more uncomfortable in her skin than she already was.
"I'll feel better... tonight will be better," she said through a few more deep breaths. The old, worn mass of wool slipped over her long, green locks and the cold air finally met the bare skin that her shirt didn't cover. She let the old sweater fall into the open washing machine and quickly poured some detergent over it to start the cycle. She tapped her foot as the sound of water pouring in started. The momentary relief from the hot material sticking to her skin faded once the absence of that familiar feeling of something hugging her torso sunk in. Wallflower's head looked back and forth out each window to make sure no one could see her, then held her arms tight against her body again.
The sound of her shoe rapping against the tile became faster. How long was this supposed to take again? A familiar tension formed inside her head, feeling like it was pulling all the way down her spine. "Come on..." She knew throwing it into the machine wasn't good for her sweater, but it was quicker. Wallflower had already opted for the lazy method one too many times, but the possibility of having to replace her favorite piece of clothing was always going to be preferable to having to watch her own hands move around the soapy water. Having to roll up her sleeves to reveal the light green of her forearms was a reminder she'd rather go without.
She set both of her hands on the washing machine to feel the rocking and occasional thud. It was something to keep her mind focused at least. She tapped her finger on the metal now, slowly increasing in tempo as if it'd speed up time somehow. She looked down at the washing machine to see if the dial had made any progress, and of course, it hadn't. The familiar green of her forearms came into view and Wallflower immediately opted to look up at the ceiling instead. There had to be another sweater around here.
Wallflower headed off into the abyss of darkness that was her room. With the lack of stimuli in the washing machine and the light pouring in from the setting sun, her mind finally took its opportunity.
Another deep breathed filled her lungs as her mind lost its focus. The room was comfortable enough, you don't need another sweater, her thoughts told her. It'll be easier without those pesky long sleeves anyway.
The silence crept in again and the memories poked their way into her thoughts. The uncomfortable stares, the awkward silences, storming out of the cafeteria... It was all leading up to this. Three weeks of trying to live a lie... Wallflower shut her eyes. She wasn't in control anymore.
They hate you now, you know that right?
They laughed as you left
They're glad you're gone
It was always going to be like this
You were never worth it to them
You'll never be good enough
They just put up with you
They'll just forget about you again
Just accept it, you'll always be alone
No one would ever want to be friends with trash like you
Nobody would miss you if you died
Just accept it
You make everything worse
The world would be better off without you
It's only going to get worse anyway
Do it
Save everyone the trouble
They'll be happier with you gone You'll never be happy anyway
They all wish you would just die
The first cold sting of a tear rolled down Wallflower's cheek. She shut her eyes as tightly as she could, trying to fight the flood of little truths that gripped her like a garrote. Her body felt numb as she fell back into her door frame and slowly slid herself down into the carpet. "No..." she whispered, her voice quaking and her body shivering. She desperately searched her mind for some mantra, some little piece of positivity to latch onto, but it was just reaching into the endless void. Tears easily streamed down her cheeks now as the first involuntary seize of a sob embraced her.
You'll never really have friends
"No... no... no no no," she whispered to herself. The solution was still sitting on the washing machine. All she had to do was give up and go back to that old friend. Wallflower shook her head violently as the sobs came in full force. She gripped her knees to her chest so hard her arms ached. She desperately tried to fill her mind with the memory of the feeling of that first hug. Sunset should've hated her for what she did, but right after the Memory Stone was destroyed, she hugged her. She hugged her and told her there was another way, that they could all be friends.
It was a lie
She was never going to care about you
She just wanted to feel better about herself
You'll be thrown away and forgotten once she doesn't need you anymore
Wallflower gripped at her scalp. It'd been three weeks since then. Things were supposed to be different by now, she wasn't supposed to be alone anymore. Why was she still alone? Sunset said she would help, she said things would be different now. Why aren't they different? Why does she feel even worse now?
She lied
She hates you
She'll be happy to be rid of you
Do her a favor and stop trying
They'll all be happy with you gone
Every sob that forced its way out of her throat made her chest feel tighter and tighter. The soft whimpers echoing through the house were the only thing she could hear anymore as her ribs grew painfully sore. She tensed her arms as best she could in her exhausted state to try to keep the truth away, but it was always going to find a way back. There was never any escape.
After what felt like hours, Wallflower finally couldn't keep it up any longer. The roaring tide of self-hatred finally died down once she was too fatigued to even think clearly. Her face was sticky with dried tears and her eyes stung as she stared down at the carpet with an empty expression. The washing machine had stopped thumping in the other room who knows how long ago. Wallflower couldn't bring herself to care anymore. The constant crashing of intense emotion against her had worn down the muscles in her face and she stared blankly around her room. It was going to be another one of those nights.
Wallflower weakly grabbed onto her nearby door's doorknob and barely managed to get herself onto her feet. Her wavering stance barely even registered to her anymore. The world and everything in it might as well be on the other side of a pane of glass, her soul trapped behind it only being able to watch as her body started itself on autopilot.
She knew she didn't really belong, she barely felt like she was even conscious as she took the plastic remote in her hand and turned on the TV. Some bland sitcom flickered to life in front of her, and she collapsed on the couch to watch it, to pretend she was a somewhat normal human being if nothing else.
It was over. The truth had sunk in, and Wallflower could do nothing but blankly stare at the screen flashing in front of her, painting the rest of the room in a dull, white light. Every part of her body felt light, empty, as she sunk further and further into the cushions. The void grew inside her until her mind blanked out entirely and there was nothing left. Just a husk sitting on the couch watching TV. A shell of a girl that no one even cared about, that was just going to be ignored again come tomorrow.
It was the truth, and it stuck to Wallflower's skin like the sweat from earlier, so thick nothing would ever cut through to convince her otherwise. Nothing could fill that void right now, so as usual, it was best just to accept it. By tomorrow it'd happen again, and the next day, and the next. Nothing would ever change... that was the truth.