//------------------------------// // Chapter 2: Rarity and the Nut // Story: Ponies in Mayberry (My Little Pony × The Andy Griffith Show) // by IDontWatchMLP //------------------------------// Barney sneezed for the thirteenth time since he had gotten into the patrol car. With Andy at the wheel and Twilight in the back, the deputy's immune system fought hard against the familiar, yet otherworldly scent of horse hair in the vehicle. Once in a while, the curious unicorn would take a quick peak out the windows at the exciting new world behind the glass. Causing some of the townfolk to question what they just saw. Before the deputy could sneeze for the fourteenth time today, the patrol car pulled up the driveway to Andy's house. Although it was getting pretty dark out, the sheriff wrapped up the unicorn in a blanket and carried her up the steps. The last thing he wanted to do at the time was explain why he was taking a talking purple pony into his house. "Aunt Bee?!" Andy called out as Barney shut the door behind them. "Is this your house?" Twilight asked, taking in the decor of the large living room. "Andy! Where have you been? You missed supper." An older woman walked into the room. "Who is that? Is she your Aunt?" Twilight whispered, shifting in the sheriff's arms. "Andy... What's that your holding?" The housekeeper noticed an oddly colored tail sticking out of the blanket. "Well." Andy started, thinking of what to say. "Well I guess that best way to explain it is that-- we've got a house guest." Preparing himself for his aunt's sudden shock, the sheriff unwrapped Twilight and gently put her on the floor. "Hello! I'm Twilight Spar--" "ANDY?! WHAT IN THE WORLD-- WHAT IS--" Her heart almost stopped when Twilight spoke. "It's oka-- It's okay Aunt Bee." Andy reassured her. "This is... Well. This is Twilight Sparkle. And, she's a unicorn..." "Andy...?" Aunt Bee calmed down a bit. "Where did she come from? H-How can she talk? How is this even possible?" "Hey! It's perfectly normal for ponies to talk. Why are you humans so surprised?" Twilight asked. "Well Twilight." Andy began, couching down to her. "Ponies like you aren't very common around here. "They... aren't? She was surprised. "Nope. The ponies that we're familiar with don't talk, or live in houses, or do magic..." "Do magic?" Aunt Bee walked over to them. "She can do magic?" "It's a common ability among unicorns to use magic." Twilight simply explained to her. "Oh?... Well, you still haven't told me where she came from." "She said she came from some place called Equestria." Barney finally spoke up. "Now I know the names of a lot of places around the earth, but I've not once, not one single time, have I heard of this place before!" "Equestria isn't just, SOME PLACE." Twilight argued, getting slightly annoyed. "Equestria is the kingdom ruled by Princess Celestia and Princess Luna! You know, the Princesses in charge of raising and lowering the sun and moon." "Uhh, wuh--" Barney was practically speechless. "ANDY! Are you hearing all of this?! Princesses and kingdoms and magic. Nothing she says makes any sense!" "Barney, Barney." Andy whispered. "Did it ever occur to you that Twilight possibly came from a different universe?" "Andy! Everything she said made absolutely no sense!" "Well Barn. Until this afternoon, I never would have believed that in a million years that magical talking ponies existed. Yet despite my better judgement, there's one standing in my house right now..." "Now until Twilight and her friends have returned safely back to Equestria, we've got to start believing and dealing with things we didn't think were even possible in the first place... You with me?" Barney looked back at Twilight who was now reading through one of Andy's books, trying her best to learn more about human literature. "Good..." The Sheriff walked over to his Aunt Bee. "Where's Opie?" "Hm? Oh, he's in his room, I think." "Hmm... He's been awful quiet lately. I'll have a talk to him later. Now-- Now in the meantime--" Andy was interrupted by the telephone before he could finish. Wondering what the ringing sound was coming from, Twilight pulled her attention away from the book on the floor. "Sheriff Taylor speaking!" ... "Wait-- Wait a minute--" ... "Okay, thanks for the call..." The sheriff quickly put down the telephone and headed for the front door. "C'mon Barney." "Andy? What's going on?" Barney asked. "Someone's broken into the courthouse... Aunt Bee. Take care of Twilight till we get back." "Hey, I want to see more of your town. I'm coming with you." Twilight excitedly galloped towards them. "Well... Alright. But stay in the patrol car." "Thank you sheriff!" The sky was almost pitch black by the time the patrol car pulled up to the Mayberry courthouse. Although the lights were on, the front and back doors were locked and there was no sign of forced entry. Peeking through the curtains, Andy spotted the dark outline of a man standing eerily in the corner. Whoever it was, he didn't seem at all alarmed that he was noticed. "Yeah, there's definitely someone in there alright..." "Well c'mon chief, what's the plan?" Barney was now in full policeman mode. "Okay. You sneak through the back door, and I'll go through the front door. That way we'll have him cornered..." "Right chief, got it." Barney was practically shaking with excitement. Twilight anxiously watched as the sheriff and his deputy prepared to raid their own courthouse. With a gun in hand and a loud turn of a key, Andy rushed through the door. "Howdy Sheriff." Instead of the expected small town cat burglar that sneaks into your house making cat noises, a familiar, unkempt mountain man greeted the unexpecting sheriff. "Ernest T!" "Surprise, surprise! I can see it your eyes!" The troublemaking intruder rhymed. "Ernest T, what in the world are doing here?" "Well Sheriff, I came here to get married." By this time, Barney had made his way through the back door, gun drawed. "Alright you, reach!" "Howdy Deputy!" "Ernest T. Bass?!?!" "Alive and speakin'" "Andy! And--" Barney rushed around the room, trying to regain his composure. "Calm down Barney, calm down." The Sheriff stopped his deputy. "Ernest T. Bass didn't come here to rob us. He came here to get married." "Wha-- M-MARRIED?!" "Yeah you know, sweet romance." Ernest T. Bass walked closer. "I went to the preacher's house... he wouldn't open the door. So I came here. Justice of the peace is just as good as a preacher for marrying. You don't have to get all dressied up and stuff." "Uh-- Who-- Who's the lucky girl?" Andy asked, wondering why Ernest T. was seemingly here alone. "Her name is uh, Rarity..." "Oh well that's g--... RARITY?!?!" "Rarity?!" Twilight pressed her face against the car window. "Yeah, Rarity. A pretty name for a pretty bride, and she's just as pretty on the inside." Ernest T. Bass giggled at his own rhyme. "Andy... what's wrong?" Barney questioned. "Uh-- uh, well... W-Where is she?" The Sheriff asked. "Oh she's in the back room. I'll bring her out." With that said, Ernest T. Bass happily skipped away to retrieve his bride. "Andy, what's wrong?!" Barney whispered. "I'll tell you what's wrong, Ernest T. Bass has been courting a unicorn..." "...WHAAT?!?" Not five seconds later, a smiling Ernest T. Bass carried out his beloved bride, a kicking and screaming white unicorn. "AAAGGH! Release ME YOU... DISEASE INFESTED RUFFIAN!" "Rarity?" Twilight used her magic to let herself into the office. "AAAG-- Twilight?" "Rarity? Wait, what's going on here? Who's this other human? What's--" "Oh Twilight! You're okay!" Rarity quickly wriggled out of Ernest T.'s embrace and hugged her friend. "It was AWFUL! This-- This BRUTE! He-- He grabbed me out of nowhere! And-- And dragged me into the woods! And then he, he strung me up! And he wants me to marry him! And he STROKED MY MANE!" "...Ernest T, we've got to talk about this." Andy spoke to the "ruffian". "What's the matter sheriff? I, I didn't break any windows on my way in..." "Well, in the first place, it doesn't matter if you break the windows or not, you shouldn't break into buildings at all. And-- And in the second place, it doesn't sound like Rarity is too interested in marriage at the moment. And in the third place, she is a unicorn!" Ernest T. Bass didn't say a word, he just looked past the sheriff at the love of his life... glaring intensely back at him. "Why in the world would you want to marry a unicorn anyway? Now I'm not too sure about this, but the last time I checked, marrying animals in Maberry is illegal. Not to mention--" "Not--" Barney interrupted. "Not to mention the fact that falling in love with a animal of ANY kind is completely wrong and perverse in every way possible! Only someone like you would sink so low!" "...What he SAID!" Rarity shot another accusing look back at Ernest T. "You've done it..." The mountain man's tone shifted from cluelessness to rage. "You've-- YOU'VE TURNED MY SWEET RARITY AGAINST ME!!!" "Now listen here Bass." Andy began. "NO, YOU LISTEN SHERIFF! EVERYTHING WAS GOING PERFECT FOR OUR LIFETIME OF ROMANCE UNTIL YOU AND YOUR DEPUTY GOT INVOLVED AND RUINED EVERYTHING!" Both Rarity and Twilight backed away from Ernest T. Bass in fear. The once simple, uncouth ruffian that Rarity despised, had transformed into a terrifying beast bent on one single goal, revenge... "I'm gonna get ya. I'm gonna get you all! I'm gonna get EVERY SINGLE LAST ONE OF YOU! You'll all be sorry! I'll get you all! You all be sorry!" The mountain man let out a crazed mix of giggles and laughter as he fled the courthouse into the dark streets of Mayberry, leaving the policemen and frightened unicorns behind. "...I figured you humans to be the friendly, civilized type." Twilight commented. "I hope the rest of the humans in this town aren't as crazy." "That's the unfortunate thing about Ernest T. Bass, he undermines the entire species..." "Oh, that crazy ruffian..." "I think he's a NUT!" Rarity tossed and turned in fear as Ernest T. Bass chased her far and wide throughout her nightmares. No matter which direction she ran, no matter where she hid, he was always hot on her trail. By the time Andy got Twilight and Rarity settled in his guest bedroom it was half past midnight. It took a lot of explaining by him and Aunt Bee to get Rarity comfortable with her new and frightening surroundings. Thankfully, the two unicorns didn't mind sharing a bed for the night. "No-- no. G-Get away from me-- you, YOU..." "Ow..." Twilight awoke after getting slapped in the face by a flying hoof. "Rarity?" "L-Leave me alone you... RUFFIAN! No, don't touch me THERE! AAAAAGGHH! I HATE YOU!" "Rarity, you're dreaming. Wake up! Wake up!" Twilight shook her sleeping friend. "No... I'm-- I'm NOT your DREAM Gi-- Is that an earthquake? OH MY CELESTIA! RUN! PANIC! EVERYPONY FOR THEMSELVES!" By this time, Andy's son Opie had heard the commotion in the guest bedroom and decided to quickly investigate. He slowly opened to bedroom door to see two small figures wrestling in the dark. "AAAAAGGH!!! HE'S GOT ME! SOMEPONY HELP!" "Huh?" Opie quietly said to himself. "Rarity, quiet down. You'll wake everypon-- er, everyhuman up." "Wa-- Wake up?" Rarity thought to herself. Of course! Her ending up in a strange alien town, the ruffian chasing her and wanting to marry her. It was all a dream... Yes! All she had to do was relax, and wake up to Celestia's warm sun..... ... "...Twilight? Darling, what are you doing in my bed?" Before Twilight could answer, the lights suddenly flashed on, revealing two miniature unicorns tangled up in the bedsheets. Both Opie and Rarity screamed. "PAW! PAW! SOMEBODY IS IN THE GUEST BEDRO--" Opie paused, coming to a certain realization... It didn't take ten seconds for Andy and Aunt Bee to rush into the lit bedroom. They now regretted not telling Opie about their unicorn house guests earlier. "Everything's okay Opie! They're just--" Before Andy could finish his sentence, he was interrupted by the loud shatter of broken glass and a large rock hitting the floor. "Oh no! Not AGAIN!" Andy picked up the note tied to the rock and read it. "Dear Rarity, I still love you, and... cherish you. Night and day, you're all I can think about. Rarity, I want you to be the mother of my-- WHAATT?!?!" "WHAAATTT?!?!" Rarity and Twilight said aloud in unison. "Marry me or I'll break every window in town, and... outta town... Your's truly, Ernest T. Bass." "PS. If you're worried about me breaking the windows out of the church... Don't worry, we could use the fresh air..." As soon as Andy finish reading the note, as if on cue... a familiar crazed laughter erupted from the streets, followed by the sounds of more windows breaking and confused neighbors. Andy sighed. "...I suspect that the next few days in Mayberry are going to be quite interesting." Everyone in the bedroom winced as even more windows downstairs were smashed opened, letting the cool morning breeze blow into the house. "Yep, things are going to be quite interesting indeed..."