//------------------------------// // Part 4 // Story: Chryscord // by Pootie D. Trillist //------------------------------// The invasion seemed to be going according to plan. Discord had scared the ponies of Canterlot and stirred the princesses into a frenzy, laughing maniacally as they chased him. The aerial chase was hardly something the God of chaos wanted to be a part of, but despite their stronger wings the princesses had yet to catch Discord. 'And here I thought I was a weak flyer,' Discord thought as he lunged into a vertical dive. ======= Chrysalis on the other hoof was leading a large force to deal with the royal guard. Thousands of changelings would be injured dealing with the elite defenders of the royal pony city of Canterlot. Her troops filed in line at the highest point of the mountain above the city, and waited for the command. Chrysalis took in a deep breath, knowing that her next words could potentially seal her fate. "CHARGE!" she screamed with all her might as every single one of her soldiers leapt hundreds of feet into the royal city without a seconds delay. Because of their incredibly hard skulls, the changeling soldier's best attack is usually the free fall, and when ten thousand of these creatures all come down upon a city at the same time, mass destruction tends to ensue. Unfortunately for the changelings, not a single building was harmed due to a spell cast by the royal guard captain before their arrival. "What did you dumb bugs think we would make the same mistake as last time?" Shining Armor laughed as five hundred of the best trained soldiers Equestria had ever known assembled behind him, "you idiots never learn do you?" "Nope," Chrysalis laughed, "now let's finish this you impotent little pony." ======= "Blam!" Discord shouted as he shot a spell at Princess Cadence. It hit her directly but seemed to cause no harm. "Duuuuuddee I am so hungry right now!" Cadence shouted before turning around and heading back to the castle. She sang a Bob Marely song along the way, "I'm just a buffalo soldier, stolen from de buffalo, I come to Equestria…." "Well Tia I think his magic is about as chaotic as he is," Luna flew up next to her sister to explain, "I think he meant to turn our niece into stone… and now she is…" a spell hit the Princess of the Night, only stunning her long enough to cause her to crash into a rooftop some sixty feet below. She awoke just before crashing and was then immediately knocked unconscious by the impact. "Wow you actually hit Luna!" Celestia began to grin as she shouted to her 'nemesis', "Now that is impressive! Plus now you can pretend to defeat me so the Elements of Harmony will have to get their asses out of bed and save Equestria. Let me land really quick and do a cool pose before you turn me into a statue." The princess of the day was quick to land and strike a pose. "Celestia darling isn't the whole Han Solo thing a little bit played out?" Discord scoffed at the princess' pose which had obviously been stolen from a movie. "Fine how about I just look like I was trying to charge you heroically so my subjects don't question it," Celestia grinned as she tried to stop moving. "Ok then Tia this will only hurt for a moment," Discord held up his claw and felt the energy begin to build, "well here goes nothing." ======= "Wow this is easier than I had previously thought," Shining Armor Sparkle stated to his second in command, "we have only been fighting this massive changeling army for about ten minutes and a quarter of them are already incapacitated." "Maybe we can finish this up in an hour and do brunch," the lieutenant grinned as he kicked an attacking changeling in the face without missing a beat, "the missus has been dying to meet Cadence and there's a really good little spot on the south side of town. I can call them up really quick and get us a twelve o'clock reservation if you want." Two changelings tried to simultaneously attack the Guard Captain, only to have both of their rock hard skulls smashed against each other with enough force to cause a concussion by his strong forehooves. "Well I guess we will probably be done by twelve but I think we might need a little bit of time to clean up their wounded," Shiny cockily teased, "but you are excused from the battle to go and…" Shining Armor looked up in the sky and saw his bride as she lazily flew into her castle suite. "Maybe we should take a rain check," Shiny explained, "my Cadence doesn't look so good and she just returned from fighting Discord. In fact I should probably go check on her. Would you mind finishing this little skirmish up while I do that?" "Not a problem brosef," the lieutenant replied, "I'll come get you when this is over." "DIIIIEEEEE!!" screamed a changeling as he charged the pony commanders with a small bomb strapped to his chest. "Let me get this I guess," Shiny stated as he wrapped the suicide bomber in his magic, "it's always the douche bags like this one who do the most damage." ======= "Oh what the tartarus?" Chrysalis screamed as she watched twenty of her soldiers get taken out by a single earth pony, "did you turds learn how to fight?" "No mam, you cut the training budget three years ago so our army has been a bunch of pussies for some time now," her general replied. "Oh…" Chrysalis stared at the ponies handing out beatings left and right to her army, "well then… this certainly sucks doesn't it." "Darling, we have a bit of a situation with Celestia," Discord claimed as he walked towards his love, "when I turned her into a statue I may have accidentally…" "We can worry about whatever you did later," Chrysalis shouted at the beast, "but for now just get your flank out there and help my rackin frackin army win this thing." Discord stared at the five thousand remaining changelings and began to chuckle at just how poorly they fought. "Wow some army you have," he jeered, "I think we would have been better off using a single filly with a butterfly net." "Don't talk that shit to me, just because you came inside of me doesn't mean you own me!" Chrysalis shouted. "I probably should own you after taking back your kingdom for you and putting up with your incessant complaining about how fat your flank is getting," Discord shouted back, "and now I get to bail you out of this mess as well because you were too stupid to train your troops before battle!" Before the wind beneath his wings could respond, Discord flew out into the battlefield and took out the entire Equestrian National Royal Guard with a single immobility spell. He flew back to Chrysalis with a smug grin on his face, "see, what the buck did I just tell you." "Well buck you too then," Chrysalis jeered, "I was getting sick of chocolate syrup anyway." "Let's just finish this shit and go home!" Discord wined, "I am seriously done with you right now." ======= Shining Armor charged up dozens of stairs and burst down the door to his castle suite. "Cadence are you ok?" he asked as he panted. "I'm like better than ok man," Cadence groggily replied, "I feel like super-duper stoned right now." "But I thought Hadrian was out of town?" Shiny began to get angry, "how the heck did you get your hooves on weed when your idiot brother isn't even here to supply you? I thought you said you only smoke when he offers it to you, when the tartarus did you start buying?" "Chillax babe," Cadence lazily replied, "that douche Discord just did this for free when I went to like fight him and stuff. Now can you order a pizza or something?" "You are a princess, you represent all of Equestria!" Shiny complained, "how can the populace take our government seriously if their chief diplomat is a pot head?!" "Nag nag nag nag!" Discord suddenly appeared behind the Guard Captain, "I swear Shiny Sparkle is worse than my woman when it comes to nagging!" "How dare you…" Shining Armor was cut off when a blast from Discord's magic turned him into a gigantic chess pie. "Dude I haven't seen one of those in like forever!" Cadence smiled a gigantic grin, "can I eat him?" "No dear if you do that we might not be able to change him back," Discord explained, "I can conjure up some chocolate milk and cookies if that sounds better." "No way dude I haven't had a chess pie in so long!" Cadence complained. "It's just eggs, flour, corn meal, and sugar… surely you can think of something better," Discord reasoned. "How about some pizza?" Cadence grinned, "Hadrian gave me a whole bunch of his weed before he left last week and I know you need it dude." "Ok fine, but only if it's good shit," Discord claimed, "poopy weed just makes me feel all orderly." ======= "Oh geez," Twilight Sparkle woke up from her deep sleep, "my head is throbbing! Why did I mix Everfree vodka and Captain Maregans?" "Because you were tripping on the punch Pinkie drugged before the party," Spike replied as he carried in vitamins and water to the hung-over mare, "I think she said she put forty hits of acid in the bowl and you had two glasses of that crap." Twilight emptied the contents of her stomach onto the floor in a single violent heave. "Well I guess I have something to clean up now," Spike grumbled as he went to fetch his mop. "Ugh!" Twilight moaned, "remind me to never drink Pinkie Pie's Party Punch ever again." She rolled back onto her back and nursed her water, slowly adjusting to the day. "What time is it anyway?" "It's just after noon," Spike responded, "I would think enough time to sleep away some of that hangover but what the hay right." "Oh craaaap!" Twilight wined, "I was supposed to have brunch with the princess today at eleven thirty. Can you take a letter please?" "Well normally I wouldn't object but this time the Princess canceled before you could," Spike explained, "she sent a letter about an hour ago saying that her city was under attack and she couldn't make it. She also said something about her dry cleaning but I may have accidentally thrown away the note." "Fuck her dry cleaning, I need to sleep this headache away," Twilight finished her water and closed her eyes. Suddenly she shot up in her bed. "Did you just say Canterlot was under attack?" she screamed as she realized the severity of the situation. "Umm yeah, that's like the second thing I said after you woke up," Spike stated with a bit of annoyance in his voice, "maybe you should listen once in a while?" "And maybe you should help me get my friends to Canterlot before all hope is lost," Twilight snapped back, "this is really serious Spike!" ======= Chrysalis grew impatient with her love and went to search for him, leaving her army to pillage and loot all of the fine boutiques and restaurants the pony capitol had to offer. She ventured into the castle and began to climb the stairs, noticing a familiar scent which began to grow stronger with each step. She made it to the top floor to see smoke pouring out of a castle suite, and immediately knew were Discord was. She opened the door and became slightly more infuriated. "Oh come on," Chrysalis raged, "you found weed and instead of calling me you went to talk to the one pony I hate the most in the entire world?" "Umm actually it's like my trees and you just interrupted Discord's story about how he defeated Rapid Dash the bold," Cadence explained. "Well spoiler alert I heard the story before and it ends by Discord turning Rapid into a gigantic joint after he boasted about 'smoking' Discord in hoof in hoof combat," Chrysalis explained, "now come on we have a very tight schedule to keep and unlike SOMEONE I am always about my goals." "You should turn her into raspberry jam since she's so sour," Cadence giggled at her own joke, "tehehe sour." "Let me guess this pie is Shining Armor?" Chrysalis asked, her anger continuing to rise. "Why yes it absolutely is," Discord grinned as he finished rolling a joint, "I wouldn't recommend eating him though." "We have one threat left in this entire Faust forsaken country and the only pony we could have held hostage to thwart her is a pie?!?!?!" Chrysalis screamed, "I swear if I didn't know better I would think you weren't in this to win!" Discord cringed at the notion of his love knowing the truth. "Would I have smashed Celestia's statue if I wasn't in it to win?" Discord asked, hoping that his lover wouldn't find out the truth about just how horrible that actually was for them. In fact, Celestia's statue was unbalanced from the initial freezing and tipped over on its own, leaving the princess who had planned the entire day as nothing but rubble. "Y-y-y-you sm-smashed Celestia?" Chrysalis tried to force a smile, knowing that her life had been ruined but still trying to play the game, "thaaat's wonderful." "You don't seem like you find it that wonderful," Discord questioned, "you were in cahoots with her all along weren't you? You had the same deal worked out as me and now it's ruined because the damn princess couldn't pick a better stance before I froze her." "It's true," Chrysalis sobbed, "and now we are both going to be absolutely bucked because of you!" "Yeah dude," Cadence added, "Twilight Sparkle is totally gonna kill you, and when Luna regains consciousness she's gonna totally support it. Boy that really sucks for you two doesn't it?" "Yeah," Discord stated, "but at least I got to have fun and get stoned in a good way today." "Why do we argue so much?" Chrysalis asked as she stared at the draconequus, "we should just stop this craziness and flee before the elements show up. We can live out our days in a cave for all I care." "No darling, that's just not how I roll," Discord explained, "you can go and disguise yourself as a pony and live free for the rest of your days, but I must stay and fight." "Well I might take you up on that offer," Chrysalis explained, "but first pass that joint this way and it had better not be any Reggie." ======= Twilight Sparkle and her friends walked into the city of Canterlot, horrified at what they saw. Windows were broken, shops had been looted, a few small fires continued to burn, and an insurance company CEO was attempting to hang himself from a tree. "Ah would say yall should stop em but them insurance ponies are always out ta swindle yuh," Apple Jack explained as she noticed some of her friends look towards the crying unicorn, "why ah bet if we done saved him from suicide he's gonna sue us fer not lettin him go through with it." "Normally I would disagree with Apple Jack," Rarity explained as she watched with a bit of anticipation as the pony completed his noose and climbed into the tree, "but I used to have a policy with that stallions company and I must say good riddance." "Now that's what I like to hear," a tiny lizard with a strange accent shouted at them from the grass, "I am from Gecko Insurance and we can save you hundreds on everything from…" A small crunching noise was heard as Fluttershy's hoof smashed the lizard in one quick motion. The rest of the mane six just stared. "I'm sure we can agree that this never happened," Fluttershy explained, "I just really hated that damned lizard." "Wow you guys are kinda jerks," Rainbow Dash stated with a mixture of shock and admiration, "and it's about damn time you all DIDN'T want to be friends with someone. Speaking of which, where's Pinkie?" The pink earth pony was standing under the tree supporting the Insurance company executive to keep him from hanging himself, cracking jokes and trying to get him to be happy. "Oh Faust, let's get the tartarus out of here before she starts singing the Smile Song," Dash was less than pleased. "Oh no it might be worse, she might decide to sing Don't Worry Be Happy," Rarity complained. "Or she could just torture him into hanging himself faster by singing anything by Jimmy Buffet," Twilight added, "but that might just be me." "Ah might as well put it out thar," Apple Jack admitted, "Ah feel the same damn way about country, that manure gets on mah gall durn nerves. Ah mean really ah just don't give a flying buck if yalls tractor raped yer wife and yer dog got abducted by aliens, it's just fake, depressing, bullshit." She noticed the strange looks she was getting from all of her friends and began to get flustered, "well buck yall too." Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Twilight Sparkle all fell to the ground laughing at their friend's expense. "Well that's ok, I love gangster rap," Fluttershy whispered in Apple Jack's ear. ======= "Hey losers your hit squad just showed up outside," Cadence stated from a window, "and boy do they look pissed!" "Chrysalis, stay here, and after they kill me or melt me or turn me into stone, take your army back to the oasis and resume the democracy," Discord instructed as he walked out the door, "it has been fun, but we both know that we were never meant to win anything today anyway." "You know I will always remember you," Chrysalis ran forward to hug her draconequus one last time, "you are truly the best villain to ever live." "Darling you have no clue how much I love to hear you say that," Discord released himself from the hug and walked away towards his fate. ======= "SHOW YOURSELF YOU COWARDLY BASTARD!" Twilight Sparkle shouted as loud as she could, "FACE THE ELEMENTS WITH SOME DIGNITY DISCORD AND YOUR DEATH WILL BE QUICK AND PAINLESS." She looked to her friends and whispered, "not really." "Twi he's probably gone an started wreaking havoc in another part of Equestria by now," Apple Jack stated, "I mean really I say we need ta start lookin fer Chrysalis and her Changeling army here. This city is looted but not made of soap and cotton candy." "Normally I would agree with you AJ," Twilight admitted, "but some part of me just knows he's here. You saw what happened to Celestia, only Discord could have done that. I just hope the Elements can heal her." "They should be able to," Discord appeared in front of the ponies, "but you did promise quick and painless so I guess just go ahead and make it quick." "Oh it's going to be quick but the painless thing was a bunch of manure," Twilight smirked as she and the rest of the Elements of Harmony got into formation. "Any last words," Twilight added as the ponies began to levitate off of the ground. The beam charged, drawing up all of the magical energy in Equestria for one brief burst of magic more powerful than anyone could ever comprehend. "NOOOOOO!" screamed Chrysalis as she jumped out in front of the beam, taking the hit for Discord. "What the buck?" She questioned as she stood up unscathed, "I was expecting to be vaporized on the spot, what happened?" "Oh no," Pinkie Pie frowned, "the elements cannot interfere with anything that is truly harmonious." "Wait, how did you know that?" Twilight asked. "What did you think, that I'm ignorant just because I get wasted all the time?" Pinkie questioned, "remember who found that book in your library when we saved the world from a rampaging Nightmare Moon." "Oh wow and here I thought that Pinkie was dumb," Rainbow Dash claimed, receiving a dirty look from the pink pony. "And speaking of Night Mare Moon, what the heck happened to Princess Luna?" ======= "OOWWW!" Luna moaned as she regained consciousness from the spot where she had fallen only hours earlier, "oh Faust my head." ======= "So wait, Luna is injured, Cadence is stoned, Celestia is rubble, Shining Armor is a pie, the Elements of Harmony didn't work, and I already have twenty thousand Changelings occupying Manehattan and Fillydelphia," Chrysalis reasoned as her changelings tied up the only ponies who could have saved Equestria, "so what does this mean?" "Umm Chrys, I think that means we won," Discord added with mixed emotions. "But we never win, and we were supposed to lose this time," Chrysalis frowned, "how come we set up everything to fail and still succeeded?" "I-I-I seriously just don't get it," Discord stated, "how could have Celestia's plan have failed?" "We finally did it, but what exactly did we do?" Chrysalis questioned, "we won but at what cost?"