//------------------------------//
// Chapter 9.5: A Guide to Grieving 
// Story: Fallout Equestria: Our Will (rewrite) 
// by AngryPenguin 
//------------------------------//


"Sadness can make you do crazy things."


Tears. They just wouldn't stop that night. I sat in the saloon off in a dark corner, drinking. Clockwork allowed us to stay as long as we wanted. I appreciated the change of heart, but nothing would bring Nico back. I was too upset to be happy about anything. I sat on the stool, slumping over the bar. There was one other pony in there. A mare. She was passed out in one of the booths. The bartender swept at the opposite end of the saloon. I could hear the rain beating down on the metal roof like someone had turned on thousands of faucets. I wearily glanced over at my Pipbuck. Midnight. According to the stats, I had taken a small amount of damage during the fight just hours ago. The physical pain was nowhere near as bad as my mental anguish.

I lay my head on the bar. "Nico, why? Why couldn't you just stay with me? You didn't have to..."

I just wanted to drink. Being numb was better than remembering everything, clearly. Life wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to any of us. It wasn't fair that I had anxiety. It wasn't fair that I had to be sent on that stupid rescue mission. It couldn't be sunshine and rainbows. It couldn't be giggles of fillies and colts. I hated it. I hated it all. I wanted to blame Hope. I wanted to blame those ghouls. Even myself. But, what good would it have done?

"Are you alright?" 

I turned my head, groggily. Clockwork approached me, taking a seat at the stool next to me. He nodded to the bartender, who went to work pouring a drink and sliding it to him. His leg was bandaged. Like Nico's had been. He also wore another vest, but his badge wasn't attached. He was the last pony I expected to see, but I wasn't surprised. Too bad, Wasteland Surprise Count. 

He looked out the window into the dreary night. "It's a shame." He took a sip. "The wasteland wouldn't be so bad if we could get a little sunlight."

My head landed back on the bar with a thud. "The Enclave doesn't -hic- think there's anything to... shed light for." I slurred.

"You don't agree?"

I sighed, picking up my drink and downing the rest. "At first. I was a lot like you, only... towards ponies in the wasteland. Raiders did take out my team. I was the only survivor." I shoved my face in my hooves. "Nico saved me. He helped nurse me back to health. He even helped me fly again."

Clockwork looked at his hooves. I forgot he wouldn't be able to fly, ever again. "S-sorry." I hiccuped.

"I deserve that. Not all of our kind are malevolent. I should have thought more about it. Leaf's mother never would have let me mutilate my own body. That's where Green Leaf gets it from. She saw the good in everypony." He smiled. "It's what I loved most about her."

"She seemed like a good pony."

"She was. Oh, Celestia, she was too good for this goddess-forsaken place. When that general killed her, I..." He banged his hoof on the bar, waking the sleeping mare. "How are you not infuriated? Those ghouls took your friend!"

I tapped the counter for another round. When it was served, I downed half of it and shook my head. "I guess I could be mad. I could go right back down to those tunnels and -hic- kick every last one of those monsters." I blinked away my dizziness and looked at him. "Oh, wait. They're dead." I shook my head. "Clockwork, I've had revenge, before. Those raiders who killed my team? I took them out. Wick and Chaser are still dead, though." I sniffed. "I guess all we can do is try harder next time. After all, if I would have done more in the first place, they'd still be here. If only I wasn't such a coward."

"Even if it isn't really your fault."

I nodded with a hiccup. "Yup."

"My grandfather used to tell me bravery doesn't necessarily mean you have to take on an army. Violence should barely be the definition of courage. A little help here and there, going out of your comfort zone to make somepony's life better. That's courage. You saved my daughter." He put a hoof on my shoulder.

"I didn't do anything, Clockwork." I shook my head.

"You did more than you know. I should get back to my office. I have some... redecorating to do. If you need anything, please come to me or Leaf." He smiled.

I half-heartedly returned the gesture as he stood and shuffled out into the rain. There was some wisdom to that stallion, despite his poor judgement. Everypony made mistakes, though. I couldn't hold him accountable.

I wanted to go find Nico's body. I wanted to hug him one last time and tell him I was sorry. I didn't want him to be down there with those monsters. He was probably cold, hurt.... lonely. I sighed and drank the last of that drink, too. I stood, the room spinning. I barely managed to catch myself from falling. 

"Ma'am, do you need help?" The barpony asked.

"I'm -hic- fine." I snapped, stumbling out of the bar. Outside, rain poured from the sky. It was all a blur, but I swear I saw lightening close by. I dragged my hooves, one by one. Muddy water splashed onto my legs as I drunkenly made my way back to the inn. The buildings danced around me as the static-y rain fell.

I began to sing in my head. Or, I think it was in my head. 

"Row, row, -hic- row your ship.
Gently, down the... ditch?"

I nickered. "Songs are hard."

I stopped at a an poster of a sad, yellow pegasus. Under the red paint, it read, "We must do better." 

I scoffed. "No, you!"

I was miles from where I was supposed to go. Was I even going to the inn? I hoped so. I was probably lost. At least I wasn't hurting. At least I didn't have to feel the guilt. At least the ground was soft. I was suddenly face down in mud. Again. Tears formed as I thought back to my first night in the wasteland. I was in this same situation. Pouring rain, mud on my face, loss of friends. I laughed. I actually laughed. "So, you got me again, huh?" I rolled onto my side yelling into the night. 

"You got me! You can say it, ya stupid wasteland." I choked out.

Thunder.

"Sike, right?"

Rain.

"Say sike right now!" I cried.

"Sia?" I heard wings flapping above me.

I looked up to see an angelic figure. "Luna, you've come to take me hooome!"

Nope. Redd. He landed next to me and helped me up. "You look terrible, Sia. I've given you your alone time long enough. Let's go."

He shielded me from the rain with his wing as we walked the short way back. Like it mattered. My mane and tail were soaked. My feathers were even drenched. A loud clap of thunder made me jump. I watched the mud wash off of my coat. I guess the forecast called for flooding. Practically crawling through the motel door, Redd stopped us at the desk. "Leaf, can we get a couple of towels? Maybe a blanket?"

She nodded, solemnly, digging behind the desk and pulling out the towels and blanket. "Is she okay?"

Redd nodded. "As okay as she's going to be, I guess."

The rest of the trip to the room was a blur. All I remember is Redd helping me take off my barding and giving me the towel. I ruffled my mane, tail, coat, and feathers. It felt nice to be dry, but I was still cold. I watched him dry himself off. I wanted to make a dirty remark and hear a snarky comment about how I'm a pervert or something. I shivered, moving my gaze to the floor and pulling my limbs closer to me. Nopony would be calling me a pervert, tonight.

"Are you hungry?" He asked.

I shook my head.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Stop pitying me. Please, Redd. Just stop."

"I'm not-"

"Yes you are! Since that... unicorn went and left us, I'm being treated like a... like a widow or something! We all lost a friend, Redd! You lost a -hic- friend, I lost a friend! Fleece lost a friend! He was everypony's friend!" I shouted poking his chest with each name.

"I know, but-"

"No! He's dead! Stop pitying me! It won't bring him back!" I hit him.

"He won't come back!" I hit him, again.

"He... he..." I fell into Redd, weeping. His forelegs and wings wrapped around me, holding me tight as I cried. I dared him to let go. 

"I'm sorry, Redd. Ah'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I wailed.

"Don't. You have no reason to be sorry." He rubbed my back.

It took forever for me to calm down. When I finally did, I pulled away, snot and tears staining his armor. I flattened my ears. "Sorry." 

He chuckled. "Nah, it's just barding. It's not like it hasn't been through worse." He looked back to me. "Are you sure you aren't hungry?"

I nodded. "Idon'twannaeatanything." My words were jumbled together.

He went over to the mattress and fixed the sheet. "Well, you should probably sleep off that alcohol." He sniffed. "What did you drink anyway? That is strong."

I blushed. "Little bit o' gin. Some rum. Coconut rum. More tequila." I slinked back.

He stared, eyes like saucers. "S-seriously?"

I nodded.

"Oh. Okay, well, anyway, here. You sleep on the bed. It's more comfortable than it seems. I'll take the chair." He came back to me, helping me to the bed. I sat on the edge, hanging my back legs off.

"Uh. Want me to tuck you in?"

I stared. 

"I don't know what to do in this situation." He rubbed his neck. "I guess I'll just-"

I kissed him. For the first time in my life I kissed a stallion. I was drunk. I was hurting. I didn't care. Anything to take my mind off of this wreck of a life. With as much force as my anger gave, I knocked him back onto the floor, still locked onto his face. Redd was too stunned to return it, all the way. Oh, well. I'd suck his face off before I let my grief make me wallow in the mud, again. He propped up on his elbows, pushing me away.

"Wh-what the hell?! Sia, what are you doing?" He looked at me with confused eyes. Beautiful, red, shiny, confused eyes.

"I dunno. I don't wanna hurt anymore. Do you... not wanna to kiss me?" I shuffled my hooves.

"Hell yes I do! But, I only want that if you are sure you do, too. I don't really think you should be drunk and kissing me, you know? I'm sure you'd regret it tomorrow." He murmured the last part.

"Why would you think I'd regret it?"

He sighed. "You're a good mare, Sia. I know you liked Nico. It wouldn't feel right to kiss you knowing you wished I was somepony else."

I pinned him to the floor, glaring at him with all the fire I could manage. "I. Did. Not. Like. Him. Not in that way, do you understand?"

He gulped and nodded.

"Good." I walked over to my bag, taking out the third of tequila. I pulled the cork out. With a deep breath, I swallowed three times and wiped my mouth. Redd sat still. He watched me in confusion. Like he was staring at a stranger. My eyes found my hooves. They blurred and danced around my vision. I held back tears. "Redd... Please, forgive me. I don't want to force you to do anything you don't want to do." I covered my face with my wings. "I just... I want to take my mind off things."

He chewed his lip before he walked towards me and embraced me, gently. "It's okay. To lose somepony... It sucks. The worst part is the emotions afterwards. We all cope in different ways. To be honest, you deserve to cope any way you see fit." He pulled away, smiling. After an awkward pause, he cleared his throat. "Uh, well... Sia, whatever you want to do to help you feel better..." He swallowed, then quickly added, "No sex! I won't go that far. Not... now, anyway." He grinned, sheepishly. 

My double hoof reached up and moved his mane from his forehead. "Redd..." I breathed. "You're right. I shouldn't be doing this. I just want..."

"To forget for one night." He finished.

I nodded. "Yeah."

We slowly got closer. I felt his breath on my muzzle. My eyes closed. Finally, we crashed into each other. His smell was so intoxicating. I had to keep reminding myself that nothing more would come from it. I don't even know how my hoof found his jawline. His wingtips stroked my spine, making me gasp. Goosebumps rolled over my body. He kissed my neck, my shoulder. Once he climbed back up, he stopped at my ear. "Tell me you want me to stop even a little and I will stop."

I couldn't speak. Instead, I grinned, evilly. 

His muzzle rubbed below my ear, making me shiver. 

"Redd..." I groaned.

"Sia..."

I was butter in his hooves. "Take me."

"Sia, come on." He chuckled.

"I mean it, Redd."

"Wake up..."

My eyes shot open. I was still in the motel. It was still dark outside. Redd was staring at me from the old chair, his face red as his mane. I shot up, the headache then hitting me. I put my hoof over my head. I half expected my pegasus friend to say something. From the way he stared at me with pinprick pupils and wide-open mouth, I guessed he wasn't going to do anything.

"W-why are you staring at me like that?" I asked him.

He looked away. "I'm not! I mean, nothing! It's nothing! You were not talking in your sleep. Nope. Not at all!"

I suddenly remembered the dream I was having. "Oh. OH! Oh Luna, did you..."

He shook his head, almost making me dizzy. "No! No! I heard nothing!" He rolled over. "Good night!"

His fake snores did not help the matter. The longer I sat there, hungover and nauseated, the more I thought about...

Not thinking. Not thinking. Not thinking.

I lifted the Pipbuck to check the time. It was still a few hours until dawn. Letting my forehoof fall, I sighed, loudly. I wanted to talk to somepony, but I also wanted to lay there. I rubbed my sore chest. The panic attack from that night had made my muscles ache. My hoof touched the necklace. I thought about the night I got it. Fleece said it was a token of our friendship. I liked to think it was a symbol of all our friendships. That had been the most fun I had had in a long time... 

Wait. I still have tequila! 

I sat up, slowly, ignoring the pounding in my head. As soon as I got to my hooves, my stomach flopped. It was like my body was keeping me from that sweet, sweet memory eraser. I shuffled to my bag, trying not to "wake" Redd. I dug around, finally pulling out the bottle. Luckily those giant gulps were in my dream, too. I could kick my own ass.

It took a few swallows and some deep breaths, but I finished it off. It wasn't enough to get wasted, but it was enough. I sighed in relief as I felt the wonderful light headedness. Bed time! As I started to pass Redd, I stopped next to him. With a smile, I clumsily kissed his forehead. "Thank you." I whispered. What I thanked him for, I didn't know. He deserved a thank you, anyway.

Next thing I know, I'm falling onto the mattress, face first. I think I was asleep before my head even hit the nonexistent pillow. The headache faded along with my other aches and pains. 

Dreams. Do they have to be so weird?





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