Fallen Order

by Jar Man


Communist and ponies oh my!

Its a few days till I turn 18 and I am afraid of what Pinkie has planned. I was foeced to telling her when she broke into my room and threatened to shove me in a party Canon. I know I said I was afraid of Pinkie but it's really Twilight and Luna that are making me paranoid about leaving the castle, they kept talking about showing me something personal to which I replied with locking up and be a hermit in the castle.

I got a letter from Celestia about going to a birthday dinner to which I also responded with a hard no but maybe next year. Luckily she understood and left me be unlike the two alicorns outside the castle. Who wouldnt leave me alone about the stupid party plans they had for me which I'm pretty sure aren't kid friendly and not very Holy. Colin and Kelso were inside chilling in the pool room that we bought so we could have some fun. Fucking balls cost 40 gold, my ass it does that shit is expensive as fuck but back on topic, I had a catapult aimed at the two princesses and was about to just send them away until I realized I could jse it as an escape from this place.

I pushed the boulder out of the spoon thing and sat in it then adjusting the range to go far as fuck. Once I got my right calculations I ordered Lucky to pull the lever to which she happily agreed to for some reason. Twilight teleported right next to us as I was being sent to Narnia and I gave her a quick middle finger. I felt the wind hit like a train and I never took into account that it would hurt but it did. I flew right by Rainbow Dash who tried to keep up with me.

"Kobe since when could you fly?!" She yelled over the wind.

"I'm not flying, I'm falling in sty-" I slammed into a cloud that shouldn't be so hard. I climbed up the cloud and sat on it getting motion sickness. "Oh fuck" I said looking down at how high up I am.

"Huh that's strange you should be falling through since your not a Pegasus or Griffin or even a dragon" Rainbow Dash flew circles around me trying find answers. I shrugged it off as magic and walked to another cloud. It felt like a soft yet hard rock at the same time which made me feel whoozy inside.

"Oh this doesn't feel right Skittles" I said jumping from cloud to cloud.

"You'll get used to it after maybe a week or two unlike Twilight who stayed grounded after a failed attempt" She laughed. I laughed along with her but also felt nervous about falling off. "So I hear your birthday is coming up, what plans do you have for it?" She made swimming gestures as she flew by.

"Jesus I told Twilight about it on accident and now everyone seems to want to know" I griped. Its not that I hated birthdays its that I know what would happen if they found out I turned 18 so I wanted to stay silent.

"Word gets around fast and Pinkie almost had a mental breakdown after hearing it was a few days away"

"Yeah I planned on keeping it quiet too I know what awaits me on the 16th" I shivered at the thought of all those ponies and how I'd be shot out of a canon probably then...what happens to 18 year olds here is the worst part.

"Well you turn like what 18 so then you could go to bars and and clubs and even enlist in the guard" Rainbow listed off. I hated the idea of being an Equestrian guard, I don't dislike them I just hate who they serve which were the nobles and I hated the nobles. Celestia and Luna were fine but not those snobby ass rich ponies who think they are the shit. A bar isn't my thing as I dispise alcohol and clubs are something I might go to as long as its like a music one and not those stupid strip ones.

"Yeah the pros and cons being 18 sucks balls Skittles, I wouldn't mind hanging out in a dance club but bars aren't really my thing, and you shouldn't hold your breath on me joining the guard" I stopped on one cloud and looked st her. "Then there's what Twilight and Princess Luna have planned for me which isn't fun when you think about it"

"What's not fun about hanging out with the princesses?" Rainbow hovered above me and I sat down on the cloud.

"Its not that I don't want to hang out its more like what they plan on doing with me now that I'm of age of an adult here and..." I didn't want to outright say it but luckily she got the idea and nodded in understatement then proceeded to laugh her ass off at me making me feel worse.

"I'm sorry its j-just hilarious, imagine seeing you being the awesome monster slaying warrior being chased down by the princesses now would be a show I'd pay for" she continued to laugh her guts outs and I will admit it was kinda funny thinking about it.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence airhead" I chuckled. The sound of extra wings in the distance warned me that someone was coming.

"I never knew undead could fly" Celestia said landing next to me.

"Oh Yeah it's a new trick I learned if I ever need to get away from your crazy student or creepy sister" I smiled happily. Celestia just rolled her eyes and grinned.

"Yes they have taken quiet the attachment to you, oh how unlucky you are" She joked. I smiled awkwardly as images of things I must prevent.

We sat on the clouds for a bit longer then I decided it was time to head back to Sol. Celestia put me on the ground and flew off saying something about a meeting with nobles, Rainbow Dash went to go train for some wonder bolt thing. I wanted to tell her how they were basically the Blue Angels from back home but it wasn't worth the drama. Maybe Colin and Kelso would like to go fishing when I get back like old times.

(Next day)

"I got one!" Colin shouted reeling in his line. We were at the Crystal lake near Ponyville just chilling like the good ol'days.

"Come on get em Colin!" I cheered. Colin gave it one last pull and the Crystal bass came flying out of the water. Colin managed to catch it with one hand and held it up for me to take a picture.

We sat in our beach chairs blaring country music and drinking apple cider. We caught a few more fish before the girls came by interrupting our group fishing session.

"Hope you have a good reason for interrupting our guys time ladies" I say casting another line out.

"We just came to see how you three are doing cause we know it's only been a few weeks since you woke up" Flutter Shy said innocently. I looked at the boys and they just shrugged.

"Yeah we're fine..." I said slowly. I thought they were up to something since they never came in a group to see how we were holding up. Not unless they needed something and I have my suspicion.

"Well we are glad to here that darling it's good to know-"

"Okay what do you need?" I Deadpaned. They all looked at Twilight who sighed and stepped up.

"Well this morning we went inside my castle and a map appeared out of the middle of the floor and our cutie marks started glowing then the map showed our cutiemarks floating over a small village just north east of here and we wanted to see if you three wanted to go see what the problem was" She explained the most confusing shit but that's just how she is I guess.

"So you want us to just drop what we're doing which is a guys time and go to some village for a problem that your map told you about and solve it?" I reiterated to understand.

"Well yeah kinda" Rainbow put simply.

"Group poop!" Me and the boys huddled and discussed our decision. I voted to say fuck no and fuck them kids but I got out voted by the boys.

"So..."Twilight trailed.

"Fine we'll go but this better be worth it" I put my rod in my pouch and sent a letter to Stone Wall telling him we'd need a squad ready in 10 minutes. We left the lake and went to Sol to pick up some extra hands in case we needed to fuck some shit up.

"I wonder why the map is even sending us to the village do you think it might have something to do with demons or another bad guy?" Twilight asked.

"Ooh ooh maybe it's a village of ponies being corrupted by a tyrant using a failing government to control them!" Pinkie bursted out of the blue. We all looked at her then she just smiled and bounced along.

"You mean communism?" Kelso asked. I thought the same thing too and hopefully it is cause that'd give me a reason to kill everyone in the village.

We walked by the forest and a squad was waiting for us. There was Lucky, Dotharam and three Changlings from Spear Company all ready with their gear. As soon as they saw us they hustled over and gave us a salute.

"What's going on today sir?" Lucky asked with a smile.

"Hopefully not communism but we are heading to a village cause there's a problem there and the elements need back up" I gave a brief explanation and we started our march to this place that needed some Sunlight love,and by that I mean kick the shit out of them.

(2 hours later)

We marched our happy ass's across Equestria singing little cadences...well Me, the boys and my troops did the girls didn't appreciate us singing about violence, pussies.

Lucky picked up he pace and walked by my side. I looked from the corner of my eyes into and she was a little slouched over obviously something was wrong.


"You good?"


She shot a look at me. "Oh..yeah I was just remembering"


"Remembering what?"


She got quiet for a moment before explaining. "Just the times back at the academy, I never had many or any friends really while I was there"


"No way!" I exclaimed. "You seem like a great per...pony to be around"


"I guess I was the weird kid that no pony really talked to"She looked down in shame.


"Lucky I'm gonna tell you about me and the boys mkay? We were the dumbest, the most retarded kids in school. We were so weird we were perfect for each other just like how you are with us, if you ever have someone bothering you cause your weird then I along with the boys will personally kick some ass" After I said that she smiled under her metal face plate and suddenly hugged me.


"Thank you sir!" She squeezed me tighter.


"Yep...no problem" I said awkwardly.

We stopped at the top of the hills and looked down to the village. I pulled out some binoculars to get a closer look of the place to see if it had any defenses. They had no walls nor guards, the ponies all looked the same with their creepy smiles and all of them had the same cutiemarks that resembles an equal sign.

"Oh yeah it's definitely communism, Pinkie was right" I say putting the binoculars way. Pinkie cheered at her victory then got all serious.

"We'll might as well go see how we can fix their problem" Twilight said heading down the hill. I told Lucky to stay here and wait for me to give them the signal.

We walked into the village and immediately I got bad vibes of this place. The ponies just stared at us and kept saying 'welcome' which sounded monotone. One pony in particular was all white and kept staring at me making me nervous so i stared backuntil he went back to his newspaper.

"That's what I thought" I mumbled to myself.

"Ah welcome to my humble village my name's Starlight Glimmer and I am the mayor of this fine place" A pink pony with purple hair announced ahead of us. I got a good look at her and saw she was wearing a white blouses long sleeve with black jeans. She seemed weird and only me and the boys can be weird.

"Hello I am Princess Twilight Sparkle princess of friendship and these are my friends. We were sent here cause we were told there was a problem that needed to be solved but it looks like everthing here is fine" Twilight trailed off. I was about to say something but noticed the pony residents here wers getting A little too fucking close for comfort so I pulled out my Zweihander and whipped around.

"Get the fuck back unless you want to see Jesus pal!" I threatened. The ponies backed up and the Starlight chick ran in front of me holdjng her hands out.

"Whoa now I won't have you threaten my ponies...what are you exactly?"

"I'm an A-10 warthog now tell you people to hop off our dicks" I saw Lucky peer her head over a rock and saw me in my defensive stance and slowly lead the squad down the hill to other cover.

"Ok Mr warthog please lower your arms and I can give you all a tour of the place how's that sound?" She stepped closer with her arms held out wide. I wanted to call her a tard but there's no point she's too dumb.

I lowered my sword and shield to my own dismay and we followed Starlight around the village. She showed us the bakery where I swear they burnt the muffins and a clothing shop that had a fucking potato sack as a cloak and a white shirt with jeans. We walked along the houses and I could tell they were such awmazing builders by th he way every house looked like utter shit and like sand people houses from the middle East. Pinkie did not like this place at all, She said something about their smiles and how their fake which I wouldn't doubt. After the tour Starlight left us at the muffin shop and went back into her house at the far end of the village.

A flash came from the hills and I looked tk see Luck waving me over. It seemed urgent so I stood up and walked over to her casually.

"What's up?" Lucky looked around befors speaking.

"We found something sir" I followed her to a cave that was well hidden behind tall grass. We entered the cave and along the wall was a long row of boxes with what I think are cutie marks in it.

"Oh shit" It was like a trophy case but for freaks. I walked up to the glass and touched it feeling a cool sensation from it. To my left was a stick with two prongs sticking out of a stone hedge.

"What shall we do sir? Dotharam asked. I pulled out my camera and pointed at the case.

"Well for one let's take a group photo so I can add this to my collection of our adventures" They were all puzzled as to why I wanted a photo so I moved them into place and took a quick selfie."Alright now let's go confront that Starlight bitch" We were about to head out but the sound of voices coming closer stopped us. I looked around and spotted a big rocl and dragged everyone behind it.

"Welcome to our cutiemark vault, we are happy you are interested in it but if I may ask how did you know about it?" I peeked around the corner and saw Starlight and the others all in the cave.

"A pony from the village told us duh!" Pinkie answered getting glares from the girls. "Heheh oops..."

"Well anyway the cutie Mark vault takes away all of our differences and troubles making us all the same thanks to the staff of sameness, it's one of the nine enchanted items" Starlight walked over to the stick and lifted it high up.

"That's a pretty retarded name to be honest" Kelso muttered. The communist ponies seemed to be moving closer to the group and I didn't like that one bit.

"This staff brought us all together and maybe it can bring you and your friends closer as well"

"Oh we don't think that's necessary" Twilight nervously laughed backing up into the white pony from earlier. Starlight then used the staff to trap the group and started taking their cutiemarks. Colin and Kelso just seemed to be in pain.

Me and my squad ran from behind the rock to help them but we froze in place too. I felt the energy from my body start to leave and fell to my knees.

"Eats lead witch!" A pony in Spear Company armor shot down from above the cave and knocked the stick out of Starlights grasp. My energy came back and I used it to grab Starlight back her neck and slam her agasint the vault wall.

I raised my fist to beat her to a pulp but someone grabbed my fist. I turned around and it was the ahite pony again, I kicled him in the shin then brought my shield down om his head knocking him out cold. I turned around to see Starlight backing away from me. I drew my sword and brought it down right before hitting her, she flinched and waited for the blow but looked up when it never came.

"I should kill you for trying to spread or communist ideals but I'd never hear the end of it from the princess so your allowed to live for now" I stabbed my sword into the ground and tied her hands behind her. Colin grabbed the stick and looked at the vault then raised it high and shattered the glass letting the cutiemarks fly back to it's original owners.

Me and our squad took Starlight out of the cave and sat her down for questioning.

"Why the fuck did you trap all those cutiemarks in the vault like do you have a fetish or..." She shuffled around and looked up at me.

"No! I-I just wanted everypony to be the same what's so wrong with that?" I rolled my eyes at that response. I'm pretty sure someone hit her head a little too hard.

"Nothing's wrong with being the same but if you force someone to be something you want it doesn't work oit in the end and being different is what makes us who we are" I pointed to my squad of mismatch armored badasses. We were all different but we work together perfectly.

"Well cutie marks are just anchors that weigh us down and have your friends abandon you because they think its something special" Starlight started to tear up. I groaned silently cause I didn't give a fuck if she balled her eyes out and didn't want to deal with it right now.

"Is that what happend to you? You were left behind when you friend got their mark so you set out to ruin everyone else's lives?" I thought that sounded fucking dumb but ponies here tend to be pussies about alot of things so I'm not surprised.

"Yeah..."

"Okay well I would love to hear more but I don't have enough fucks to give and you made me stop my fishing trip with the boys" I said yawning. Colin amd Kelso came outside with my sword and handed it to me, I looked back at Starlight and considered writing to Celestia and Luna.

"So what are we gonna do with her just hand her to the Authorities?" Kelso asked. Starlight recoiled at that idea so I wanted to mess with her some more.

"No we shall preform the blood eagle ritual so she may be damned to eternal pain and suffering" We all looked at her wide eyed and scared.

"W-What's the b-blood eagle ritual?" She stuttered out.

"Its where we would hang you up and slowly cut your back flesh open and then raise your lungs high in the air like a birds wings and if you make any noise you won't het to see Valhalla" Kelso explained.

"No please don't I'm sorry please don't do that I'll go to jail or even Tarturis but please don't do the blood eagle!" She pleaded. I smiled understand my helmet then we all started laughing our asses off. She wiped away her tears and looked at us with confusion and disbelief.

"We're not gonna hurt your dumb ass we'll let Twilight deal with you" I said calming down from laughter. Twilight and the girls exited the cave and came up to us, I told her about the joke and she slapped my helmet saying it was rude. We left after telling the other ponies to piss off and live their lives freely but they stayed in the village in krder to fix things.

The walk back to Ponyville was pretty boring with Starlight asking a bunch of questions about us and where we were taking her.

"What are you three supposed to be? You don't look like ponies or act like us" She was facing me like I was supposed to answer.

"We're the Warriors of Sunlight now shut up and walk" Kelso snapped. Starlight tilted here head in confusion.


"They are a myth from over two thousand years ago though" I looked to Twilight for answers but she shook her head.


"We were but now we're up and kicking ass just like how I'm gonna kick yours if you don't shut up" I pulled out a homeward bone and stuffed it in her mouth like a dog holds a bone. She was surprised and flustered at the sudden action but at least she would be quiet.


(Ponyville)

I sent our squad back to Sol to get some rest while we discussed what to do with Miss communist.


"We could just send her to the Authorities and we won't have to hear from her again" I put out.


"The ponies back at the village said she took good care of them but wouldn't allow them to leave in fear of being caught"


"Aha! She used fear to make those fake smiles and communion!" Pinkie Pie pointed at her. I sighed and shook my head.


"Its communism but whatever it sucks anyways" I mumbled.


"Starlight is a powerful unicorn and I believe she could be taught how to use her powers for good" Twilight claimed. I overdramaticly gasped and pointed at her.


"She tried to yeet your cutiemarks and ran a communist regime she needs to go to the gulag!" I protested.


"No I have done some thinking and I believe this is the right course of action" She was standing her ground on this. I grabed my helmet temple and sighed in defeat, we put it to a vote and we lost 4 to 5 in Twilights favor.


"Welp I'm gonna go back to fishing so have fun with Stalin Jr." I turned around and walked out of the room and back to the lake. I sat in my lawn chair and casted out a line while listening to Power Wolf, I hope Twilight knows what she's doing cause I don't think I'll be around if she gets hurt this time...