I like to pretend we're friends more than I should. But you couldn't stop haunting me if I let you. Instead, you have made me the loneliest mare in the world and the burden of enlightening this gods-forsaken planet has fallen squarely on my withers. And it is because you left me. Can you imagine, for a minute, what it would have been like if the stars had been kinder? What if you had known you were mine as much as I knew I was yours?
I have never given a thought to just how much of a chameleon I have become, except for when it is thrown back into my face. I'm at this an inn in one of the littlest villages I've been to; it's on a grassy area across the bay from Los Pegasus and Applewood. I don't know whether the cape itself is called Cape Clydesdale, but the village is. I'm alone with giants and barely away from the San Palomino Desert and everypony tells me that I fit right in and how nice I am.
It's a shame that you never realized that enough to stay. I bet you are friends with the sun goddess herself now! Do you two take tea together? Was she worth more than me? Has she won your friendship with gold and gifts? Is she the leader you have always dreamed of? Well, that is too bad. I can be a real leader, and I will be. I will mold myself into something absolutely revolutionary that you will never get to see!
Princess Celestia is a mare who knows that only one fits on a pedestal. The sun goddess knows how to be one for the world, and if anypony would listen to me when I know what to say, I'll be like her too. And then nothing like her. She can't keep lying to ponies about everything, from cutie marks to how we should live with others. I can do better. I have been reading everything written about Princess Celestia and her speeches. Before I go to bed, and every morning before breakfast I pore over collections. Only her more modern collections and edited compendiums are available in Equestria, which certainly has me peeved.
Did you know that everypony's finicky aunt thinks 'peeved' is so terrible to say only because Princess Celestia once let it slip in a speech and was quickly startled by her own informality and supposed 'language'? Nopony else with half a bit to bet on their mind would think there is anything wrong with saying peeved. Sunburst, do you know anypony in Canterlot like that? You still live there, don't you? I couldn't bear to set hoof in the city that took you from me, but I'm sure you do. Every sorcerer and their cousin's uncle's daughter's dog's goldfish live there.
Princess Celestia's are good to mix with ponywatching breaks in between things. Everything she says is discreet and dense, that I'm always left trying to pick apart the secrets she hides in those. They're too cultivated and careful that I'm astounded by how unoffensive and clipped they are. How bizarre from the mare who lets us live in such a lonely, unequal world. She writes all her own speeches, and they're so infuriatingly perfect most of the time.
Have you ever pulled one apart and filled a book of one with marginalia? Does their mechanical sweetness infect you? Sometimes, I find their cloying kindness stuck in my head. Discovering that when rereading my notes is like walking backwards only to step in mud right after a rainstorm. I feel the sickening squelch every time I see it and know that kind of sweetness so prim and good to hear with how much I've been hurting. The words of the sun goddess are a band-aid on an amputated limb, and though it pains me to say this, it's nice to think that at least somepony might put a bandaid on me.
I need to focus more on my plans. My saddlebags only have so much room, and I need to minimize material possession for both practical and equal reasons. My entries to you might be briefer on this leg of my journey, and yet are they really? I have written you volumes already, my sun. How can anything be brief between us?
I plan for great things, but even I must obey the Sandmare's call. Goodnight, my Sunburst, for you are mine, mine, mine. Your face is the only one I see when I find myself paralyzed between dreams and wakefulness. It's like you know you should have been should be here for me.
And you aren't.
What does your voice even sound like now? Is it like my dreams? Or are you just lost in your own shadow as the colt I once knew?
Don't worry. One day, there will be a kind Star to align everypony without judgement or difference, and everypony will be equal. Even Alicorns will be equal, and the gods and mortals will live in a society that values nothing more than anypony or anything else, and no divisions, diversity, or differences be allowed. Competition will be eliminated, because all my reading has lead be towards how to establish a path for success.
And one day you might be there, because as much as I wish I hated you
Goodnight, my Sunburst. I'll ramble less about silly things less time.