//------------------------------// // Metathesiophobia Monday // Story: Don't Make a Shadow of Yourself // by Ice Star //------------------------------// You live in my head rent-free. I live out of inns and only ever tell ponies I'm heading southeast. I don't know why I say that because it is the truth. When it comes to questions, I rarely answer with that. I can make the truth, and I have. You know that matters more than the letters that piled up at home failing me; when they said I wouldn't be a good fit for Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns they were lying because I made my truth and that outweighs a stack of letters with the opinions of some snobby unicorns in Canterlot. It definitely outweighs those letters — you know I shoved every single one in a box under my bed, so gods know how much they weighed. My truth is that I keep heading southeast, where the Badlands hunch over the between the MacIntosh hills and nopony in their right mind lives there. Except for changelings, I suppose. I doubt I'll ever meet one, all the books on your shelves the drones only left the hives on missions. All the towns are getting smaller, and I don't know how to tell if I like that or not. I don't know if I should even ask myself that. I've stopped buying calendars. Sometimes, I don't realize I write my name on the inn ledgers anymore. Even though I have never used a pseudonym, my name feels more like a pony that I can step outside of and forget is in the same room as me. I do not know if I am always Starlight Glimmer, whatever Starlight Glimmer is supposed to mean. I think she could be what I would want her to be, if I made the effort. It has been a few years since that's happened. I had the dream about you again. I usually do. The desert doesn't always feel as empty as it should. I think it lies as much as I do. Bandits and changelings aside, I know the buffalo tribes live out here too. Other than that, I think the time walking between the towns here makes me into a new mare more than anything else can. Nothing here is like the villages in central Equestria and the enchanted forests to stretch between everything with worlds of their own. I haven't seen a meadow or a plain since... a while, I think. I think about today when it is here and tomorrow when it comes. I think that will change soon, just not today. When it trots up on me, I think about the past when you're in it. That makes it sound like I have a choice. Like I don't have those dreams. The ones about us. The ones where we are still friends. We should still be friends. If we could be friends. I only want to think about the past when you're in it. I borrow books from traveling libraries and never give them back. The settlements out here are too small to miss them, and even though I have been easing myself into the desert mare life for a couple of years I never go back to the same one twice. I never should go anywhere twice. I've been reading up more on cutie marks. I used the last few pages of one of my old journals to pass the time with a personal dissertation on their similarities to love poisons and cursing. Everything about cutie marks published could be compared to branding, and all civilized nations have outlawed branding in any and all circumstances according to a variety of domestic laws and international treaties. With something so heinous and permanent being forbidden, why aren't cutie marks? Yes, I know there are some flaws in how that sounds right now. I'm working on it. It's just so dark, how cutie marks can be. Even a pony who wanted a brand would be judged insane and in need of mental treatment. Entire faux leather-bound series have been written regarding sanity's supremacy and ultimate deciding impact upon consent in situations, and how it overrules any mere agreement that consent has. Manehattan's public libraries have a particularly expansive collection that I would highly recommend. I read about other things too. Gods, I really don't have time for much else except thinking. I need to see what other ponies say and why first before I really give myself time to make my truth. And if my truth can make me happy, and maybe other ponies, who cares what it is? I'll be right no matter what! I know I will, I just need time before I seal things off, and rip a bit more open. The dullness of these desert days will sting less in comparison then. I'll find you in my dreams, whether you want me to or not. Goodnight, my Sunburst.