//------------------------------// // Chapter Sixty Two, The Hail Maries: Legging it to the homestretch. // Story: Airship Mauled // by Darkonshadows //------------------------------// - Fœnum, E. Velvet- Half the forest was knocked over, the other half was on fire. Hills were made where there were previously none and where there were hills, there were now just excessively large holes in the ground that didn’t match the mass of the new hills at all. Trees, that were used as oversized javelins, littered the landscape to the point one of them was embedded in a boulder. Garden snakes and owls were in love and dating, it was raining frogs for some reason and fire was probably the new wet at this point. The whole world had basically gone completely mad, the destruction was quite widespread and we were having a problem following it back to our fluffy and lovely alpaca. “Do you think our Paprika is okay?” Bearing witness to the destruction we were following, I couldn’t help but worry about our wife fighting her doppelganger. “I’m sure she’s fine fluff butt.” Our Arizona, ever the tough girl with udders that were tinier than even her counterpart’s udders, just meandered on through the destroyed terrain. We arrived at the scene to see that the two Paprika’s were still fighting and I gasped in horror at what was going on. “What? They’re just having tea.” Of course Arizona wouldn’t know the horror that was going on here, it used to be my favorite field of combat before I met her. “Just having tea?! Don’t you see that their battle is going way too far and it’s tearing them apart?!” I stated with utter dread for what I was seeing. “This is the worst possible thing ever, they’re both fighting a battle of etiquette now!” Paprika and Paprika were sitting on a blanket with their legs cross, their eyes were narrowed at one another as they carefully picked up their tea cups. Both Paprika’s took a sip of tea and one accidentally made a slurping noise, the Paprika that slurped froze. The other Paprika calmly put down her tea cup and then pointed at the other one with a shaking hoof and a stony gaze from her raised head that was tilted back ever so slightly. The Paprika that slurped bowed her head in shame. “That was terribly brutal!” I watched the horror unfold, why would these two suddenly choose to fight in an arena that neither of them were too entirely good at? I couldn’t even tell which one was ours, was it the one that was shamed? It better darn well not be her or I will find a couch for her to sleep on for a few days! She’ll also only get half the cuddles she would normally get if she loses this. “I don’t think I’ve honestly seen anything so horrifying in all my life!” Arizona looked at the two Paprika’s, turned her gaze to me, then looked behind her at the small landscaping issue we just happened to follow up to this point that paled in comparison to this travesty. Why the current brutality of their fight in progress was quite disastrous in how it progressed, it knew no true bounds with how far they were willing to go! Arizona slowly returned her gaze to me and then turned back to look at the two Paprika’s. “Yeah, I really don’t want to know what you’re currently on right now Velvet.” Arizona said plainly. “Oh no, now they’re trying to get silverware placements right!” I couldn’t understand why Arizona was so calm. Didn’t she see the devastation that Paprika just unleashed upon the other Paprika by calling her out for bad manners?! Arizona just watched them pull out silverware, they were just gathering forks, spoons, butter knives and plates, for ten seconds. Arizona’s gaze was completely and utterly flat as she turned back to me. “I’m just going to go fight Fœnum Tianhuo.” Arizona you brazen cow-ard! “Tell me when they’re done playing, we’re almost done saving this world so we can get back to ours personally.” “Playing, you think that’s playing?!” I called out after Arizona who calmly walked away from the most apocalyptic battle of etiquette ever held, it was as if… it was as if etiquette didn’t even matter to her! Why the very idea of it! I remember when she… oh… Arizona really doesn’t care about etiquette unless it’s fighting etiquette. I really needed to teach her how to understand the nuances of the horror show I’m seeing here, it was like a train wreck in slow motion. “Don’t leave me here alone with these two, their battle of etiquette is getting even more twisted by the second!” “Stop being so high maintenance you deranged deer!” Arizona shouted back as she disappeared into the burning half of the forest. Both Paprika’s were now calmly eating some food with a knife and fork, one even dabbed her mouth with a napkin as the other made several impossibly classy gestures. After a moment one was giggling and the other was politely laughing to save face, which was probably one of the best polite laughs I had ever heard. Things were really heating up between the two and I couldn’t take my eyes off of the two identical and nearly equally matched alpacas! It was a second later that one of the raining frogs fell on me. “Tinsel, my floof, get it off!” I started running around while the frog gave me a ribbiting I would never forget. -Leg Ate Hollow, Fizzle- Pinkie was wrong, the name of the place wasn’t ‘legate’ as in a legionnaire. Most diamond dogs wouldn’t even know what the word legionnaire meant, much less have the capacity to spell it. This place was literally called Leg Ate Hollow, diamond dogs were ones for simplicity and the name stuck because of the story surrounding this place. The story goes like this, apparently there was a mile long collapse of the infrastructure throughout the tunnels after a long day of hard work by diamond dogs. For context of when this happened, it was at least a thousand years ago. One of the workers was Pupper, a diamond dog who was one among many that were thought to be done for by many a diamond dog that didn’t get caught in the incident. As the story goes… Pupper ate one of his own legs. It was so that he could gain enough strength to save every other diamond dog caught in the collapsed tunnel systems before they could suffocate. As disturbing as it sounded, it was actually a brave thing to do. Ever since then, bracing for the tunnels has been an important part of diamond dog culture. Pupper eventually went on to be the alpha and had lots of puppies, his descendants still existed to this day and age. That was Leg Ate Hollow’s legend. I knew exactly what we were here for not too long after hearing the full story, it’s just convincing the diamond dogs to part with the object in question. That’s the problem. The hero of the story Pupper was eventually given a mystical peg leg, said peg leg was our next artifact that we had to combine with the crystal and the ring to finish what was obviously going to be a magical scepter of some kind. It wouldn't be easy getting the peg leg of a popular leader and old folk tale hero for the diamond dogs. The diamond dogs did mention that the leg was at the end of an era of collapsing tunnels and was supposed to be part of finding the end of something else. We already knew what that other thing was. The leg wasn’t made by the diamond dogs, Maud told us as much. The peg leg was made of stone and it was possibly made with unicorn magic, which had earned her interest at the very least. Then she went into its composition involving corundum, bauxite, quartzite and some basalt thrown in for good measure. Maud needed to study the peg leg in hoof to determine if it had any other materials that were not as visible as the ones she described, she even commented that there might have even been feldspar in the leg. Apparently earth pony magic allowed Maud to get an idea of what minerals were in a given area, on top of her already well known expertise in rocks and rock related sciences. To this end, we were waiting on Maud to negotiate with the diamond dogs. I’m expecting negotiations to break down and I’m ready to light up a chain lightning spell. Until then, we were spending time getting to know some of the locals like Daft Dim. Daft Dim was by far the smartest diamond dog here. That is his actual name, but he prefer to be called Dimmer and he was actually a genius. “So that’s how I got my PHD in physics.” Seriously, with a name like that, you’d expect Dimmer to live up to any of the stereotypes that diamond dogs were idiots. The male beagle was actually pretty darn good at physics and math, it was to a point that many diamond dogs wondered if he was actually a diamond dog at all because he couldn’t be matched to a single stereotype. “Quite fascinating.” Mud Briar had been listening to the diamond dog more than I had been and Daring was looking a little agitated. “This… is a really boring adventure.” Not that I had deep issues with Daring, but what did she expect when this was basically where the ambassador of the diamond dogs lived. The diamond dogs here actually held themselves up to slightly higher standards, which wasn’t saying much when the diamond dogs we have at Airship Mauled basically had the same standards for things. “Well, it’s not like we’re getting a leg up on this situation by being complete jerks.” Really Maria, did you just actually go there knowing that we were after a peg leg? “Mara-.” My voice was quite stern as I slowly said her name. Mara immediately smashed a paw in the Maria’s face knocking her out of their body. “Okay, I admit that I absolutely deserved that.” Maria shakily stood up and stumbled back into fusing with her sisters. “So we’re basically waiting on Maud to finagle something for us.” Marie stated as we were currently in an underground bar. Getting up and walking to the bartender, I just had to ask a question. “Hey, I was wondering, does throwing the stool thing work here and what are the rules for the bar fights here in Leg Ate Hollow?” I was ready to personally throw a seat. Daring was bored, Maries was bored and I was actually kind of intrigued by diamond dog society outside of Airship Mauled, we couldn't be friends since they generally despised Abyssinians. “Well of course that works, it always works, everyone is knowing that! As for rules, it is always being good to be asking for them, no biting, clawing and can only be using blunt force trauma!” So that’s a no on weapons from the bartender… I can swing that. “Also do not involve me in the fighting. If that happens, you not able to purchase drinks for a month.” “Okay, thanks.” I picked up a stool and threw it at the largest nearby diamond dog much to Mud Briar’s confusion. -Hours later- “Well that was fun.” I was sporting two black eyes, my leg was in a sling because I sprained it punching out diamond dogs bigger than me and my body was covered in bruises. We were sitting outside the bar with several other roughed up customers milling about. Maries was supporting me and licking my wounds, I just blushed at the attention. “Technically… it was.” Mud Briar seemed to have enjoyed himself with standard bar fight traditions. I even told him why I did that and he understood completely, I was an honorary La Perm and we can’t enter a bar just for snacks. We also did it to gather information and to beat the snot out of random people without going to jail for it. “I also found it to be quite painful.” La Perm's always had to start something and see it through to the end too, also normalcy was overrated. “Thanks, hadn’t had a bar fight like that in a while.” Daring was currently black and blue, but she had the award for knocking out the most diamond dogs and me. She was a really good pugilist, it helps that she is used to punching out panthers and tigers with her bare hooves. Daring might be smaller than me, but she hits like a donkey cart loaded with donkey carts. “No problem Dare.” I calmly smiled, it’s always good to get some stress relief once in a while. “What happened?” Maud’s bland voice broke through us all relaxing off our aching muscles after a pretty nasty bare bones brawl. “I was dragged into a bar fight, it was a unique experience.” Mud Briar commented. Like every other earth pony out there, he had a lot of physical strength. “I got us access to the leg, but I made a deal with the diamond dog that needs a new home to go to as she doesn’t want to live here anymore. I offered her a residence at Airship Mauled.” Okay, so Maud apparently had been busy and had somehow succeeded in negotiating the peg leg for us. “She’s one of Pupper’s descendants and her name is Brenda Springer. Come on out Brenda, they’ll take you back to Airship Mauled. Mud we’re staying here for a while.” “Hello there, I’m Brenda. Maud told me you needed the leg for something important?” The diamond dog was a really tall poodle wearing a nice blue dress, her hair and ears were a mass of luxuriant looking curls. She was an outrageously beautiful diamond dog and I wouldn’t be surprised if she were harassed by every other diamond dog around her on a daily basis. Her soft voice was also quite easy on the ears, compared to the gruffness of every other diamond dog I have ever heard of. “Well if you can get me out of here, it’s yours to hold onto for a while. When you are done with it, I want it to be returned to Leg Ate Hollow.” "Wait, why are you staying here Maud?” I watched as Maud looked around at the city dug out of solid stone. “Just thinking of vacation spots... possibly good for a honeymoon too.” Well it sounded like Maud and Mud were likely getting closer to marriage. “The geological features here are really great, they also have an excellent rock museum.” -Days later, 'Love' god’s section of the universe, Jiutian- Every other love god and goddess was now in a corner of the universe that previously didn’t exist until two seconds ago. The reason was fairly obvious… “Meep.” Paprika stated with a smile, she had multiple figures with her and her two wives were draped over her back sleeping off various horrible injuries that they had likely inflicted on one another. “Uh… the left exit at the nebula and it’s the horse head shaped galaxy, you can’t miss it.” I watched as the scary one motioned to her friends to follow her and she started hopping along merrily. “Meep.” She stated happily as she waved back at me. The horror. -Airship Mauled, Fizzle- “That’s where it is!” Daring looked highly upset once we figured out how to use the scepter.