Homer in Equestria, the Less Than Epic Saga
By Barry the Brony
Princess Celestia had almost as many titles as she had years of mileage under her (metaphorical) belt. Dawnguard, Lightbringer, Radiant Herald, Breaker of Chains, Mother of Dragons-
...Wait no, scratch those last two.
Though speaking of mothers, Celestia was often thought of by her subjects as a maternal figure, watching over her children and gently guiding them along the path to reaching their full potential.
Like any mother it brought her no small sense of pride whenever one of her little ponies flourished, such as her prized pupil Twilight Sparkle ascending to becoming an Alicorn.
Yet there was a fact about mothers that people rarely ever talked about. It was always left by the wayside, lingering in the minds of ponies like Fluttershy who had studied animals long enough to understand the less...family friendly aspects of nature.
And that fact was under the right circumstances any mother is capable of eating her young.
The reasons for this can vary, of course, from stress to starvation to the simple enticement of being able to sleep in on a school day. But the point is for all of their love mothers, just like anyone else, can only put up with so much before they snap.
Celestia was pretty sure she had crossed that breaking point fifteen minutes ago.
She was too good to show it of course, to anyone watching the Alicorn as she sat atop her magnificent golden throne Celestia would seem as regal and good natured as ever. In fact there was nothing, absolutely nothing in that small patient smile and warm purple eyes to suggest she was entertaining the thought of setting both of her current visitors on fire.
In fact at the moment Celestia was exploring, hypothetically, what she would say to the guards outside her throne room were they to rush in after hearing several screams only to be greeted by a matching pile of ashes at the foot of her throne.
‘Oh it’s just terrible, it happened so fast! One moment these ponies were voicing their concerns about a tax increase to cover providing food for the victims of a Parasprite outbreak, the next FWOOSH! ‘
‘What caused it? Well If I had to guess it’s POSSIBLE a stray spark ignited somewhere on Upper Crust. At that point, all it would need to do would be to come in contact with that cologne he loved. You know the one he lathered on until it’s all anyone can smell for a mile? Maybe he should have paid more attention to the warning label on the back about keeping it away from open flames.’
‘And Jet Set! Oh, she was standing right next to Upper Crust when he burst into flames, honestly, is it any wonder she went up so quickly with all the hair spray the bi-ahem, that poor mare used every day? Oh she was like one of the torches we light for the Equestria games!’
For a few seconds the smile on Celestia’s face grew. Then it faded a bit as she realized that, while the guards might buy it and Luna could probably care less so long as she didn’t have to get up before noon, there was no way in hell Twilight or her friends wouldn’t pick up on a few subtle clues.
Like for instance how the sun would have been oh so conveniently positioned as to allow a single beam of light to be focused through first the window and then Upper Crust’s glasses producing the same effect as a magnifying glass on an ant?
Or how her grief at watching two of her subjects die horribly in front of her would likely last all of three seconds before inquiring as to whether the kitchen could make her some smores?
And so with a heavy heart Princess Celestia set aside her fantasies of watching Jet Set and Upper Crust burn as merrily as a log in a fireplace and, if only for lack of an alternative, returned her focus to what they were actually saying.
“...and furthermore why is it always the less fortunate who always reap the benefits whenever a crisis happens?” Upper Crust said with a sniff of disdain that likely had taken years to perfect. “Food drives, charity auctions, donations why they barely have to lift a hoof to get showered with goods and attention, I’d hardly call that being less fortunate!”
And just like that, she was reminded why she had imagined setting them on fire in the first place.
“I wholeheartedly agree with my husband,” Jet Set added. “It seems terribly biased that we are always holding charity events for the lower class, what about the needs of the nobility? When was the last time someone threw us a food drive?”
Celestia’s polite smile froze in place. “But...you can go out and buy food, whereas the people those events are meant to help are often so poor even basic necessities are difficult to come by.”
“Hmph, and what’s stopping them from getting jobs and working for it like the rest of us? Honestly sometimes it feels like we coddle those commoners far too much for their own good.” Upper Crust retorted.
Celestia’s smile remained, but it may as well have been painted on her face. Her gaze was flicking towards the doors now whenever Jet Set or Upper Crust weren’t looking directly at her.
‘My secretary, my defense minister, my head of foreign affairs, buck at this point I’ll take my physician with a surprise checkup just please someone ANYONE open that door and-’
As if in answer to her prayers one of the royal guards poked his head in. “Your highness? Pardon me for interrupting but Princess Twilight Sparkle is here to see you.”
She was so happy Celestia had half a mind to kiss him full on the mouth. Instead she made a mental note to invite the guard to tea later. And if she just so happened to show up with her hair done up and wearing her most striking Grand Galloping Gala dress? Well that would just be a happy coincidence.
“I’m so sorry you two, but it looks like we will have to continue this conversation another day.” Celestia said teleporting down and using her magic to (gently) push the two protesting nobles out, their hooves skidding for traction on the floor. “Honestly time just flies by around here, you wouldn’t think we’d been talking for over an hour would you?”
“In any case please be sure to make an appointment with my secretary, pick up some forms on the way out, and with any luck I should be able to see you in, oh no less than six months. Okaythankyouforvisitingtakecaremylittleponiesbyebye!”
Celestia shut the heavy doors hard enough to rattle the windows and, as soon as she heard their complaints fade off into the distance, slumped against it with a heavy sigh. “Oh praise the sun I thought that would never end.” She muttered.
It would be wrong to say Celestia actually hated the nobility, but aside from the occasional exception like Fancy Pants the rest of these meetings with Canterlot’s upper class seemed to blend into an unending drone of whining and complaining.
It was as if the thought of paying a little more, even just so others didn’t go to bed hungry or had a warm place to sleep, was some kind of personal insult. Many of these ponies already had more wealth than they would ever need yet hoarded it as fiercely as any dragon or griffon.
Celestia sat there with her back to the door eyes closed for nearly a minute enjoying the silence. Then her ears pricked up hearing her former pupil’s voice coming from the other side of the door.
“...And this one is depicting me and the girls when we harnessed our new Rainbow Forms for the first time to defeat Tirek and restore magic to all of Equestria.”
Celestia smiled without opening her eyes at the enthusiasm in Twilight’s voice as she seemed to be giving someone a brief history lesson of her adventures since moving to Ponyville, illustrated quite conveniently by the stained glass windows adorning the hall outside her throne room.
“So anytime a bad guy shows up you blast them with a laser? Man, Ronald Reagon would have loved it here.”
Celestia raised her head with interest putting an ear to the door, now here was a voice she didn’t recognize.
“Homer it’s not a laser, it’s a physical manifestation of the combined virtues and strength of the bond between me and my friends, usually cast to either subdue or purge someone of dark magic.”
“Which you shoot them with as a laser.” The new voice insisted.
“It’s not...okay I guess technically it is a laser but it’s not like we’re trying to hurt anyone when we use it!”
“Yeah that’s more the Crystal Heart’s department.” Piped up another voice, this one she recognized as Spike. “You know I asked around when we went to the Friendship games, apparently ponies in the Crystal Empire are still finding bits and pieces of King Sombra lying around.”
“Who the hell’s King Sombrero?”
“Som-bra actually, and he was the former ruler of the Crystal Empire before Princess Celestia and Princess Luna banished him to the darkness of the frozen north. He cursed the empire to vanish along with him for a thousand years until both eventually resurfaced about three years ago.” Twilight explained.
“Well that was his backstory but if we had to actually describe the guy? He just seemed like a unicorn with a thing for plate armor and purple eyeliner. To tell the truth, he didn’t last long enough to make much of an impression beyond ‘grr I’m evil’ before the Crystal Heart literally blew him to bits.”
Celestia had been so engrossed in listening she didn’t realize how close her new visitors were until she felt a few knocks on the door. With a muffled curse she teleported a few feet away, took a moment to compose herself and cleared her throat. “Come in!”
The doors opened as Twilight and Spike entered the room with Homer in the back. “Princess Celestia.” Twilight intoned as she and Spike bowed their heads in respect.
“Oh just get over here.” Celestia’s horn glowed as Spike and Twilight were enveloped in her magic and pulled into a motherly embrace. She held them close her wings draping around each one of them. “You have no idea how happy I am to see you two.” She murmured.
“Considering we just saw Jet Set and Upper Crust glaring daggers at us as we walked by? I think I can hazard a guess.” Twilight remarked giving her old mentor a smirk.
“There’s my little wiseass.” Celestia murmured with all the warmth she could muster.
Homer watched this with a smile, suddenly reminded of how often Marge liked to grab Bart and Lisa for hugs on occasion despite how much they might complain about it.
‘Aww, these kids are in good hands...or you know hooves,’ Homer thought before his brain, inevitably, started to drift. ‘But man that’s a hell of a wingspan on her, and check out at that neck! It’s like a swan and a giraffe had a baby.’
“Why thank you.”
‘Oh you’re very welc...wait’ Homer blinked, something wasn’t right. ‘Did I think that or say that?’
“You probably meant to think it but ended up saying it instead.”
“Oh,” Homer said before everything clicked and he immediately followed up with a loud ‘D’OH!’ as Celestia stood in front of him with an expression of gentle amusement. “Great, another first impression right down the toilet.”
“Oh please, that wasn’t even the worst first impression someone’s made on me today.” Celestia remarked.
“Wow your job kind of sucks huh?” Homer asked not noticing Twilight blanch at this.
Celestia let out a laugh that rivalled Marge saying ‘I love you’ and the ding of the microwave for the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. “I like to think of it more as a labor of love to look after my little ponies. Even if it does occasionally feel like herding cats.”
“Said every mother ever,” Homer said smiling again. “Homer Jay Simpson, nice to meet you.” He offered his hand and, after looking at it puzzled for a moment Celestia improvised and tapped it with her hoof.
“Princess Celestia, it’s a pleasure to meet you as well Mr. Simpson. My sister has brought me up to date on your situation and I assure you we will do everything in our power to see you return home safely.”
“Oh yeah how is Luna anyway?” Homer asked.
“Seeing what time it is? I’d hope she was fast asleep. Luna’s work during the evening can take its toll on her.”
“Yeah the graveyard shift can be a pain in the ass, I did a night shift at the Kwik-E-Mart for a while to cover the cost of paying for my daughter’s pony…” Homer trailed off as something seemed to occur to him for the first time, his expression immediately turning to panic.
“Oh my god I owned a pony, does that make me a slave owner?! It does doesn’t it?! Oh god, I’m no better than the bad guy from the last two seasons of ‘Poldark’!” He moaned.
Celestia just blinked at this. “I...can’t help but feel like I’m missing some context here.”
“Here, let me handle this,” Twilight told Celestia before turning to Homer. “Homer calm down I’m sure it’s not as bad as...whatever that last part was supposed to mean. Now listen, you said in your world ponies can’t talk, fly or cast spells correct?”
“Well, yeah.” Homer consented.
“So wouldn’t that make the pony you had more of a pet then a sentient being held against its will? I mean it’s not like your daughter abused it right?”
“Are you kidding? For a while I was pretty sure Lisa loved that pony more than me. Of course I had just screwed her over by not getting her a replacement piece for her saxophone in time for the school recital because I hit the bar first aaaaand this isn’t helping my case is it?” Homer said noticing Twilight’s eyebrow was slowly climbing.
“Not really no, but the key thing here is if the pony you owned couldn’t communicate or had any higher signs of intelligence then the need for food, water etc, then as long as you and your daughter Lisa took care of it that’s really all that matters.”
“So...I’m not a pony abusing monster to you guys?”
“Not as far as I can tell.”
“Oh thank god.” Homer said as he heaved a deep sigh of relief.
“Has it been like this since he showed up?” Celestia whispered to Spike as they watched this all unfold with rapt attention.
“My advice? Keep some popcorn handy if you know he’s going to visit again.”
“Anyway I have a more pressing question buster,” Twilight said pointing a hoof at Homer. “Since when are you on a first name basis with Princess Luna? Or even know who she is in the first place?”
“Since last night when she visited me in my sleep.” Homer replied as if this was a perfectly normal occurrence in anyone’s life.
“So why in Equestria didn’t you say anything?”
“You never asked.”
Twilight stared up at Homer her eyes slowly narrowing as she gave him a long hard squint. “...I’d swear you were being a smartass but I’ve spent just enough time around you to not be a hundred percent certain.”
“Alright, I guess technically that’s on me but Homer, the next time something happens that seems strange, even by Equestria’s standards, will you please say something?”
“Absolutely, so anyway Twilight says you wanted to meet me today, you wouldn’t happen to know a way I can get back home would you?” Homer asked.
“Not exactly, but I do have an excellent idea where Twilight can start researching how to do just that. But before we get started, may I make a small request? I only had a light breakfast before I started having visitors and I’m famished, might we have an early lunch?”
“Celestia you had me at ‘early’.” Homer said patting his stomach causing it to give a deep rumble, like a beast anticipating it’s next meal. Twilight started to point out how much he had already eaten today when a second (smaller) growl filled the air, this time coming from her own stomach.
“Oh...right, kind of forgot I was too busy patching up Homer after he went through Pinkie’s window to eat anything.” Twilight said her cheeks turning pink.
Celestia’s eyebrows shot up in alarm. “He went through whose what now?”
“It’s a long story, we might as well get some food while we talk.”
Being one of the rulers of an entire country had no shortage of perks, and within a matter of minutes all four of them were seated around a table brought in by the castle staff piled high with food. A great deal of it was fruits, vegetables and bread, but Homer had zeroed in on several pasta dishes and , after being assured he could help himself by Celestia, was stuffing his face with enough tortellini alfredo to feed a small family.
“I swear I just saw him put away a stack of pancakes taller than I am a few hours ago, where is he putting it all?” Twilight whispered to Spike as she peeked under the table at Homer’s stomach.
Her working theory was that somehow, to cope with years of physical trauma, Homer’s body had rewired itself to recover from injury faster than normal in exchange for speeding up his metabolism. Even had she not applied healing magic to his cuts from earlier in the day, the little Alicorn was beginning to suspect he would have made a full recovery in as little as a day at the rate he was eating.
“What’s up Twilight, you find a peanut down there?” Homer asked with just a smidge of hopefulness to his voice. There was a startled yelp followed by a loud thud as Twilight’s head came up too fast and knocked against the table hard enough to make it shake.
“OW! What the-oh come on!” This was followed by a great deal of grunting and creaking as the Princess of Friendship now had to try and get her horn unstuck from the bottom of the table.
“Uh Twilight have you tried-” Spike started to say before Homer cut him off.
“Relax kiddo, I’ve got this.” Homer said before he crawled under the table to join Twilight. “Okay now, we just got to get a good grip and twist!”
Spike and Celestia exchanged a look as from under the table came several much louder creaks of wood and Homer grunting in effort, above it all Twilight voicing her concerns.
“ACK! Homer you’re trying to unscrew my horn from the table not my head from my neck!”
“Sorry, sorry, here let me try twisting the other way…”
“OwowowowowowowOW! How was that supposed to work any better?!”
“What? Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey it’s pretty universal.”
“So why didn’t you twist to the left the first time?”
“I couldn’t remember if it was my left or yours.”
Celestia knocked on the table to get both of their attention. “Perhaps if a certain Alicorn were to remember she can teleport?” She asked trying not to sound too amused.
There was dead silence under the table for a few seconds before Spike and Celestia heard Homer whisper (or what he believed passed for whispering) “I think she means you.”
There was an embarrassed groan and the sound of a spell being cast before Twilight reappeared in her original seat her face red as a beet and refusing to meet anyone’s eyes. “I really wish I didn’t keep forgetting to do that all the time…”
“Now why didn’t you do that first if you don’t mind me asking Twilight? Haven’t seen you have a problem with magic up until now.” Homer wondered as he grabbed a piece of bread and started buttering it.
“Actually if Twilight doesn’t mind I’d be happy to explain,” Celestia said giving her former apprentice a reassuring smile as one of her wings pulled her in for a light hug. When Twilight gave her a small smile and nodded Celestia continued.
“With the exception of a few particularly gifted practitioners such as Twilight, most unicorns will only ever master one or two spells in their lifetime. Magic requires a great deal of focus and dedication and while there are forms of magic that benefit from raw emotion, it often gets in the way and can lead to us being distracted.”
“She’s right, I’ve lost count of how many times my magic could have gotten me and my friends out of trouble, only for me to panic and lose focus in the heat of the moment.” Twilight admitted looking down at her plate. “I may have helped save Equestria several times, but I’m a scholar at heart. Fear, panic the urge to run, in a crisis it can feel like my thoughts are pulling me in all these different directions.”
“Which is why it’s so important that Twilight remembers she has friends who she can count on to help her when she really needs it, as well as a certain number one assistant.” Spike added making Twilight give a little giggle.
“Now there’s something I won’t be forgetting anytime soon,” Twilight said as she reached over and mussed up the fins on Spike’s head a bit.
“But in any case I wanted to ask Homer, how are you liking Equestria so far? I must admit I’m a bit curious as to your thoughts on our world.” Celestia enquired.
“Well the color palette is bright and pleasant, morale among the locals seems pretty high, though I have to ask is it normal for everyone to spontaneously break into a musical number like they did on the train ride over? It happens all the time in Springfield too but I always just chalked it up to something in the water.”
“My little ponies do seem to have a song for every occasion don’t they?” Celestia said with a good natured chuckle. “You’ll get used to it, though the novelty may wear off fast once you have somewhere you need to be in a hurry and everyone is too busy singing to move things along.” There was a slight weariness to Celestia’s voice as she said this that spoke from experience.
“Preach it sister, this one time a traffic cop started singing in the middle of an intersection and I came this close to running him over with my car. Of course that was kind of an emergency, Lard Lad Donuts was having a two for one sale. Otherwise I’d like to think I’m a little better at avoiding attempted murder.”
“Don’t we all,” Celestia said under her breath before she gently cleared her throat. “Regardless can you think of anything I might be able to provide to make your stay more enjoyable?”
‘Oh my god this is it, my dream of an Olympic pool filled with ranch dressing is within reach! I just need to...wait, why am I thinking about Rarity all of a sudden?’ Indeed his initial daydream was slowly coming into conflict with a memory of the unicorn’s face when she realized he had used her new loofah.
Spike Twilight and Celestia exchanged confused looks as Homer went quiet and seemed to stare off into space for a moment. “Uh, Homer, you alright?” Twilight asked.
“Moment please, grappling with conscience.” Was all they got for an answer as he kept staring straight ahead at nothing in particular. Finally just as they started glancing at the clock Homer seemed to reach a decision giving a little sigh. “Actually there is something.”
“Before we came here we stopped by Rarity’s place so I could clean up and I sort of used her loofah without asking first. She didn’t make too big a deal about it but I did still get the feeling she was kind of upset so...is there anyway you might be able to get her a new one to replace the one I used?”
Celestia blinked slowly. “That’s...that’s it? You just want a loofah?”
“Well that and maybe if you could cover the cost to fix the window at Sugarcube Corner?” Homer asked and they could have sworn he sounded embarrassed. “I mean sure there’s plenty of stuff I want but everything I need like a place to stay, food and people I can depend on...I kind of already have it.”
There was dead silence as the other three people...equines...life forms digested this. Then one by one they smiled at Homer, each one bigger than the last.
“I think,” Celestia said as she smiled like the rising sun. “We can have that arranged. I must admit, after the morning I’ve had it is truly a breath of fresh air to witness a little selflessness.”
“Wait, that’s being selfless?” Homer blinked. “Oh my god that was exhausting, how can anybody do that all the time?”
Celestia started laughing so hard she fell on the floor.