//------------------------------//
// Letter 103 
// Story: Dear Princess Sunbutt 
// by 2Merr 
//------------------------------//



Dear Princess Sunny-Side Out,

Today I learned that the earlier you introduce a child to drugs, the more likely they are to grow up cool kids are as dumb as your ass is fat. 

I was substituting for Cheerilee this morning so she could attend a seminar on how to be a better judge of character. She gave me a bunch of old safety videos for the little gremlins to watch, which made my job easy wheezy apple queasy. I popped in the drug video and we watched it.

You know how those videos work, right? They show some kids dressed like every punk stereotype combined, the kids offer drugs to a normie kid, the normie bitches out of answering, everyone tells little Billy how drugs won’t make him cool, the punks offer Billy drugs again, Billy says no, everyone cheers while the punks act pouty in the background, group hug, freeze frame, fade out, roll credits. It’s the same formula they’ve been using since before Granny Smith was born. They make the punks look like “cool” kids, then try to show how that kind of coolness is bad. They spell things out so blatantly that even I could understand it. 

Problem is, these kids are fucking retarded. Well, some of them are. It was like four, but I didn’t learn any names. Anyway, this group of quasi-purples took everything at face value. They started talking to each other about how they’d finally be cool if they just had some drugs. 

As a good person, I knew I had to do something. So I disguised myself and offered them drugs when they were alone. And before you get your titties in a teapot, it wasn't real drugs. It was a carefully crafted, nonlethal poison made to look like drugs. I'm not so irresponsible as to give real drugs to kids. 

However, I knew making them sick wouldn't be enough to deter them entirely. I needed to dispel the idea that their peers would give them more respect for taking drugs. To that end, I gathered the rest of the class and instructed them to mock the now-sick kids. The plan worked seamlessly, but it remains to be seen whether or not the desired effect has been achieved. If I discover they still have an interest in drugs, I may need to take a more proactive approach. I hope it doesn't come to that.

Your typical substitute,
Toilet Stain