The moons shone down on the dark, quiet streets of Libman City, the most peaceful town in the world. The sole disturbance in the otherwise still night was a wall-eyed pegasus mare staggering through the city, a cider bottle clutched in her mouth. One of her eyes swiveled towards the brightly-lit entrance of a saloon, and she stumbled drunkenly in its direction.
The saloon doors swung open, the sounds of lively nighttime patrons boiling out into the streets as she lurched inside. She crashed into a table, dropping her bottle and upsetting the stallion and the donkey sitting there. She laid her forehooves on the table, getting right in their faces. "*hic* H-heeeeeey, mister, can you help a pony out? I need...I need some muffins, bad. I don't have any money, but I'll *hic* take aaaaaaaaanything that's a muffin! Blueberry, banana nut, chocolate, even b--*hic*--bran, I'm desp'rate! C'mon, gimme a muffin..."
"BUCK OFF, ya derpy-eyed freak!" the stallion roared, bucking the pegasus back out through the saloon doors. "An' don't show your stupid-ass face in here again...oh, sorry George."
"It's okay," the donkey seated across from him replied drearily.
Out in the alley, the wall-eyed pegasus picked herself up, shook herself off, and trotted down the dark, lonely street, occasionally crashing into rainbarrels, trashcans, and walls. "I just...I just dunno what went wrong..." she muttered forlornly.
=MESS MAKER=
Twilight and Pinkie sat on a bench in the lively town square of Libman City, eating lunch. "So, what do we look for today, Twilight?" Pinkie asked. "A red coat? A mare? A stallion? A pegasus? A pegasus mare in a red coat with a big silver gun? A bunny rabbit?"
"...bunny rabbit?" Twilight asked, eyeing her partner oddly. Shaking her head, she bit into her hay sandwich. Chewing thoughtfully, she said, "I'm through chasing stupid rumors. From now on, we do this scientifically, and rely only on factual evidence."
"Oh, okay."
A blue pegasus mare in a red coat flew past on the street overlooking the square, her rainbow mane fluttering in the light breeze. "Hi Dash!" Pinkie called out, waving a hoof.
The pegasus looked down at her and waved. "Oh hey, it's the insurance mares! Working hard?"
"Yes, we are!" Pinkie replied cheerfully.
"Well then, good luck!" The pegasus waved again, then flew off.
"Well, Twilight? That proves it. She's Dash."
"How does that prove she's Dash?" Twilight asked skeptically.
"I called out her name and she waved back," Pinkie said simply.
The unicorn groaned. "You called out and waved to her, and she waved back. That's a natural response. It doesn't prove anything. Besides, there's absolutely no way that crazy pony is Dash the Stampede. It just doesn't fit!"
"But...she DOES match the rumors, and she DID answer to the name, and you saw her fight like, twice now, right? And she's really really good, and somepony like Dash the Stampede has to be really really good at fighting, so..." Pinkie gestured emphatically with her hooves as she rambled.
"Sorry, not buying it," Twilight said, shaking her head dismissively. "If that lunatic is Dash, I'm a white rabbit."
A white rabbit hopped past their bench just then, cocked an ear, turned to glare at her, gave her the middle paw, and hopped off angrily.
"...Pinkie?" Twilight asked. "Did you put anything...funny in our lunch?"
"Funny?" Pinkie asked. "You mean funny like too much pepper, or funny like bad mayonnaise, or funny like poison joke, or funny like those weird mushrooms I found yesterday? Because I didn't put too much pepper or any bad mayonnaise in the sandwiches."
Twilight stared hard at her. "Or any poison joke or weird mushrooms either, I hope."
The pink mare put a hoof behind her head and laughed. "Um...well..."
Twilight groaned. "Somepony must really hate me."
- - - - - - -
The rainbow-maned mare flapped down the street, eyes scanning the signs on the shops to either side of her. "Now where's that--"
Without warning, something collided with her and knocked her sprawling to the ground. She rolled several times before righting herself, rearing on her hind legs, wings flared. "Alright, who's the wiseguy?"
Near where she had fallen, she espied a blond-maned gray pegasus mare whose fur was stained with spilled cider. A shattered bottle lay at her hooves. The gray pony picked herself up and shook her head; when she opened her eyes, one of them fixed on the cyan pony, while the other looked off in a different direction entirely. "H-hey, watch where you're flyin'," she slurred. "Y'--y'made me spill my BLEUUUUUUUGH!"
The rainbow-maned pegasus wrinkled her nose in distaste at the prodigious puddle of putrid pony puke now covering the broken bottle. "Yyyyyyeah...later," she said, taking wing. She had just reached rooftop level when she was knocked to the ground again; hot breath that stank of alcohol, bile, and...blueberries?...assailed her nostrils.
"C'mon, you knocked me down an' an' made me spill my cider an'--an' made me puke aaaaaaall over," the wall-eyed mare said. "An' for that, y'--*brrp* ooooh--y' gotta buy me some bre'fas'. An'--an' s'more booze!"
"Ugh, get OFF me, you--"
"Y'GOTTA!" the gray mare insisted, hopping up and down on the other pony's back insistently. The cyan pegasus swore she heard bones cracking. She groaned.
"Alright, ALRIGHT! I'll pony up. Just...breathe somewhere else, willya? And stop jumping on my back!"
"WOOHOO!" the gray mare cheered, leaping high into the air and spinning crazily.
- - - - - - -
The saloon doors opened, and the plump old unicorn behind the bar looked up from where she was polishing a glass. "Ugh, you again," she muttered. "Got any money this time?"
"It's okay, my friend here's buyin'!" the gray mare said cheerfully, one hoof around the red-clad pegasus. She dragged her new "friend" over to a table and plunked her down face-first on a chair, then dropped onto the chair across from her, breaking it underneath her. "Whoopsie," she burbled.
The unicorn rolled her eyes, but approached the table with a tray of fresh-baked chocolate chip muffins and a large bottle of cider. As she trotted over, she eyed the blue pony warily. "Hey, I'm gonna need to hold onto your gun," she said gruffly. "Don't want no trouble in here."
"Sure, no problem," the mare replied, pulling her large silver revolver from its holster and placing it on the table.
The unicorn picked it up with her magic, eyeing it curiously as she floated it above the table. "Heck of a strange gun," she noted.
"Yeah, it's pretty old. Somepony gave it to me a long time ago. It's pretty good, though--"
"Naw it ain't," the sloppy, wall-eyed mare across from her said.
"Yes it is!" the rainbow-maned pegasus replied hotly, banging a hoof on the table.
"Bet it don't shoot straight," the lush muttered. "Bet it's off three inches from ten yars."
The blue pony spluttered indignantly. "Well...well...what would you know about shootin' straight, you...derpy..." She trailed off, eyes narrowing. She frowned, leaning across the table. "Say, you wouldn't happen to be Derpy Hooves, by any chance?"
The gray mare swallowed a muffin in one gulp, then took a long drink of cider. She said nothing in response.
"Yeah, that's Derpy," the bartender replied, shaking her head. "Don't tell me you came here to see her."
"Uh...well...yeah, actually," the blue pegasus said, eyeing Derpy oddly. "I was kinda hopin' she'd be, well..."
"Sober?" the unicorn finished with a snort, shaking her head. "Fat chance of that. Derpy ain't been sober one day in the last ten years." She fixed the pegasus with a stern glare. "And if you came lookin' to get her to fix your gun, forget it. She'll just break it, like she breaks everything el--"
The cider bottle Derpy had been drinking from smashed into the bar beside the bartender, just missing her hoof.
"Great," the blue pegasus muttered, blowing upwards on her multihued bangs. She reached out for a muffin, only to discover they were all gone. She banged her face against the table with a loud sigh.
- - - - - - -
"What do you mean, there's no sheriff here?!"
Twilight and Pinkie stood across a large granite desk from an old gray-maned mare. The mare in question simply smiled kindly at her. "Well, what do we need a sheriff for? Libman City's the quietest, most peaceful place in the world! Only trouble we get around here are a few crazy drunks and one derpy-eyed pegasus who breaks stuff a lot. There just isn't any need for a sheriff here."
Twilight frowned. "Well, I hate to tell you this, Madame Mayor, but we've learned that the legendary outlaw, Dash the Stampede, is headed right for this town, and may in fact be here already!"
The mayor laughed. "Dash the Stampede? Oh, what fun! I certainly wouldn't mind seeing somepony like that stir things up a little around here..."
Twilight stared at her in disbelief. "You're insane," she said dully. She turned to the door and trotted out. "Come on, Pinkie. We're obviously wasting our time here. It's up to us to protect this town from Dash."
"Don't mind her," Pinkie said to the mayor as she left. "She was up all night with the Trots--"
A gunshot rang out, and a bullet ricocheted off the floor an inch from Pinkie's left hind leg.
"Wellgottagomypartner'salittlecrankynicetownyouhaveherehopeitisn'tdestroyedbye!"
- - - - - - -
On a high bluff overlooking Libman City, a burly tan bull charged up the narrow pass, kicking up a cloud of dust. "HEY BIG BRO!" he bellowed. "It's just like we heard! The stagecoach is a-comin', an' this town ain't got no sheriff!"
Seated atop a large, open-topped iron wagon, a tall, lean black bull in a violently purple suit grinned. The light of the twin suns reflected brightly off his horns, his teeth, and the tiny silver-rimmed red glasses he wore. "Yeah yeah yeah!" he shouted. "Alright alright ALRIGHT!" He leapt down from his perch; two unicorns at his side magically lifted a heavy weapons harness onto his back and strapped it in place. The daunting guns clacked open and closed ominously as the larger tan bull was hitched up to the wagon. "I smell opportunity up in this here town," the purple-suited bull said.
"It gets better," the other bull said. "They say that legendary outlaw is on the way here. You know, Dash the Stampede."
The purple-suited bull raised an eyebrow. "Dash the Stampede? The Equine Typhoon? Here? Well al-RIGHT, this couldn't BE better!" He grinned nastily. "Why don't we head on down there, show these ponies a REAL stampede?"
- - - - - - -
The blue mare had helped Derpy get home after a long day of drinking and chomping down muffin after muffin. Now, she watched the wall-eyed pegasus sleep, lost in thought.
"Derpy Hooves?" the tailor in McNeil had said when she inquired about the famed gunsmith. "I'd forget looking for her if I were you. Sure, she used to be the greatest gunsmith in the whole world, but...about ten years ago, she was at the bank with her little filly, and there was a robbery. Her daughter got shot and killed, and Derpy, well...old Derpy took one in the head, see. She survived, but she hasn't been quite the same ever since. The shot wonked up one of her eyes and made her really clumsy. About the best thing you can say for her is she also completely forgot about her daughter, so she doesn't even feel the pain..." He had sighed, shaking his head. "Yeah, she just derps around these days. I doubt she can even pick up a gun, let alone fix one. Best to just forget about it..."
In the flickering lantern light, as Derpy slept, the blue mare could just make out the ugly scar, hidden by her mane. She looked around at the massive collection of broken and empty bottles and dented muffin pans and sighed.
- - - - - - -
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" a scream tore through the quiet of the morning. Derpy opened her eyes, squinting against the bright sunlight streaming in through the windows.
"DASH THE STAMPEDE'S ROBBING THE STAGECOACH!" the same pony screamed.
Derpy leapt to her hooves, wings flared. "What? Dash the Stampede?" she flew to the open window, bumping into the sill twice before finally managing to fly out into the street. In the dusty alley that ran behind her house, she saw a rainbow-maned head duck into a trashcan.
- - - - - - -
"You're...kidding, right?" Twilight asked as she eyed the leader of the bandits, one eye twitching.
"Oh wow, Dash the Stampede isn't even a pony at all," Pinkie said, blinking.
The lean black bull in the purple suit leered at them. "That's right, little filly! I'm Dash the Stampede, and I'm one hundred percent bull!"
"You're one hundred percent bull alright," Twilight muttered.
A very large gun filled her field of vision, cocking menacingly. "What was that?" the bull claiming to be Dash asked.
"Nothing!" Twilight replied, taking a step back.
"I didn't think so. Now, be good little ponies an' help my boys here fill up that there wagon..."
With a sigh, Twilight began levitating large bags of money into the bandits' getaway wagon.
- - - - - - -
"Well this sucks," the blue mare said as she watched the commotion in the street.
The trashcan lid on her head slammed down. "What're you gonna do?" she heard Derpy say above her.
She pushed against the lid, heaving the gray pegasus' hooves off and peering back out into the street. "Maybe take the place of one of the hostages," she mused.
The lid slammed down on her head again. "That sounds scary."
Gritting her teeth, she pushed up again, knocking the lid askew. "Maybe I'll just fly in there and make a big commotion," she said.
Derpy hopped on top of the trashcan and began jumping up and down excitedly. "But isn't that the really scary outlaw Dash the Stampede?" she asked. "You could get really hurt--"
The trashcan tipped over with a loud clatter, and Derpy tumbled out into the street, whinnying in confusion, as the occupant of the trashcan angrily bucked the lid. "SHEESH," the blue mare muttered, trotting out of the alley, dusting herself off with her wings.
Out in the street, Derpy tumbled right into Pinkie, knocking her over. A bag of bits fell off the startled pink mare's back, landing on the hoof of one of the bandits. The accosted bandit pony yelped, taking a step back and colliding with the large tan bull. "IDIOT!" the bull bellowed, snorting and charging him; the unicorn tumbled end-over-end, crashing into the back of the getaway wagon.
"You're ALL idiots," the bandit boss snorted. "Get back to work before I gore every last one of you!"
"Sorry boss!"
"Wow, you ARE scary," a mare's voice called out.
The purple-suited bull looked up at the red-clad blue mare who was leaning against the getaway wagon. "Who--who the hell are you?!" he rumbled.
"Oh, is this your wagon?" the pegasus replied, examining it curiously. With a well-placed kick, she shattered one of the wheels; the wagon collapsed to the ground. "Oops, looks like it's broken!"
The bandits stared in confusion and rage. "YOU LITTLE--!" the boss bull bellowed.
The tan bull got right in her face. "Hey you! Don't you know who this is? This is the legendary outlaw, the most dangerous gunslinger in the entire world, the one and only Dash the Stampede!"
"Yeah, right," the pegasus replied. "Everypony knows Dash the Stampede is a pony, not some lame bull."
"I'll show YOU lame!" the tan bull cried. Lowing angrily, he bowed his head, pawed at the ground, and charged the pegasus.
...who yawned, before taking wing; the charging bull slammed into the broken wagon, denting its iron side and sending bags of bits spilling out into the street.
"Wow, you sure showed me lame," the pegasus jeered, grinning cheekily. She flew down and kicked the bull sharply in the nose, sending him sprawling onto his back. The other bandits stared in dismay.
"You...what...just who the hell ARE you?!" the boss bull roared, eyes bulging behind his small red glasses.
"Who, me? Oh, I'm nopony special. Just the most radically awesome pony you'll ever meet..."
The sound of several dozen guns cocking interrupted her speech.
"Alright, that's enough," Twilight Sparkle said, staring down the bandit bull, who suddenly found himself surrounded by a veritable forest of small pistols, each suspended in a pinkish-red magical aura. "Why don't you and your little goon squad clear out of here before things get messy?"
The purple-suited bull stared at her, sweat beading on his forehead. "What...the..."
"Ooooh, nice guns!" another mare's voice interrupted. Derpy hovered in between the bandit and Twilight's guns, derped eyes darting around excitedly. "I like little guns, they remind me of muffins! All cute and little and--"
"Delicious?" Pinkie asked, looking up at the pegasus.
"No, silly, guns aren't delicious! But muffins are."
"Oooh, yeah! I love muffins!" Pinkie squealed.
"You too?" Derpy asked. "Muffins are my favorite!"
"Muffin THIS!" the bandit bull roared, ramming the wall-eyed pegasus in the rump with his horns. Derpy squawked as she was knocked right into Twilight...whose guns fell to the ground as she lost concentration.
The boss bull grinned nastily. "Well, now," he said as his own guns cocked and clacked, the full might of his formidable arsenal brought to bear on the three mares.
"Hey, ugly," a voice said from behind him, and he felt a sharp jerk on his tail. He turned, eyes narrowed...
A hoof slammed into his face, right between the eyes, shattering his glasses. The barrel of a silver revolver was pressed against his nose.
"Give it up already," the blue pegasus said, eyes narrowed. "You're done here."
- - - - - - -
"So it turns out that wasn't really Dash the Stampede," Pinkie said as Twilight began writing the company report. "It was a local bandit they call A Bull Named Brokeback."
"Well there's a big DUH," her partner replied grumpily, magically pressing an icepack against the large lump on her head. "Ugh, that stupid pegasus..."
"Which stupid pegasus? Derpy or Dash?"
"Derpy, and for the last time, THAT. ISN'T. DASH!"
"I'm pretty sure she is," Pinkie said. "Anyway, everypony's having a big party over at the saloon. I'm gonna go over there. You coming?"
"No thanks," Twilight replied. "I've got paperwork to do."
"Okey-dokey!" Pinkie said cheerfully.
- - - - - - -
"CHEERS!" a chorus of voices rang out as cider glasses were raised in a toast.
"Whoo, this is the good stuff!" the blue mare, the hero of the hour, declared, beaming happily.
"Oh, hey," Derpy said suddenly. "I tried to fix your gun, but...well..."
She pulled a burlap sack out of her saddlebag and dropped it on the table. It fell open, revealing a pile of gun parts, half of which were utterly destroyed.
The blue pegasus stared, wide-eyed, at what was left of her gun.
"I kinda broke it. Sorry," Derpy said sadly.
"You...you...that...you..."
A pink head popped up between them. "Oooh, is your gun broken, Dashie?" Pinkie asked. "I can take care of that!"
The blue mare blinked at her. "YOU can?" she asked.
"Uh-huh!" Pinkie replied cheerfully, unstrapping her own saddlebags and dropping them to the floor with a pronounced *thunk*. "I always carry a gun repair kit around with me. You know, in case of gun repair emergencies."
Ten minutes later, the pegasus' revolver was completely repaired, cleaned, and oiled.
"Wow, you're good," Derpy said around a blueberry muffin.
"Hey, thanks!" the other pegasus replied as she holstered her piece. "You're a real lifesaver!"
Pinkie beamed. "Anytime, Dashie!"
- - - - - - -
As the party wound down and the blue pegasus left, Derpy trotted out behind her.
"Say," she asked, "I've been wondering...are you really Dash the Stampede?"
"Well, I--" the blue mare began, but trailed off, a strange expression on her face. "Oh gosh...I'm gonna..."
Derpy shrieked and took wing as a massive pile of manure exploded out from beneath the other mare's red coat. "EWWWWWW," she exclaimed. "Even I never crapped in the street." Thoroughly nauseated, she flew off for home, occasionally bouncing off the walls of the surrounding buildings.
- - - - - - -
"Pinkie?"
"Yeah, Twilight?"
"Did you put any of those weird mushrooms in the muffins you baked for the party?"
"Um, maybe a little, why?"
"Because those mushrooms? Give ponies the Trots."
"Ooooooh....oopsie!"
A pony with something to protect has to be willing to take cold steel in hoof, and do whatever is necessary to protect that precious thing...even die.
A pony with something to say has to stand firm, hooves planted in the dust, and speak out in a loud, clear voice.
A pony who wants to control her own destiny has to be willing to take the bit between her teeth.
The next chapter of Skygun, "Hard Bucker", is gonna be 20% Dashier...