I blearily opened my eyes, a pounding headache throbbing in my mind and sore pain on my cheekbone. Realising I was in a heap on the floor, I staggered to my hooves, my vision came back into focus and I saw the mare before me, looking rather miffed and confirming that what had just happened actually happened.
"Has Apollo gotten the message? Or does the Great and Powerful Trixie need to redeliver it?"
...
...
...
...
"Why the fuck did you hit me?"
Without even think or blinking or thinking, Trixie replied with cold sincerity, "Apollo deserved it."
"What the fuck for?"
"For allowing those mares to treat and dress you like a beta male sissy."
"I didn't-" I snarled, "How can I stop them? They can overpower me easily!"
"Oh? From what I hear you overpowered a horn blocker and teleported in the same instant."
"Yeah. So?"
"So? So it means you can fight back! You just need to practice your magic more!"
"Fine," I huffed, "If it means no more.....anyway, are we all set for our trip?"
"Yes. The Great and Powerful Trixie is once again grateful Apollo can attend," Trixie replied, a small smile on her lips, as she leaned in to give me a kiss on the cheek.
I had to go to Barnyard Bargains to get a few more supplies for my workshop, Trixie decided to stay behind to practice her show magic, and as I was browsing I wondered into the stallion's clothing section. Out of curiosity, I decided to have a look around even though I didn't need anything from here. Most things were pretty much the same as what human men wore, just shaped differently.
As I was browsing though, I saw something that immediately made me think of one mare in particular.
No, not dresses. Something else.
A hilarious idea formed in my mind.
*A SHORT TIME LATER*
"Just what does Apollo think he is doing?" Trixie snapped, looking incredulous.
"The Great and Powerful Apollo has decided to try a new look," the Great and Powerful Apollo replied, sitting on his plot with his floofy chest pushed outwards. The Great and Powerful Trixie looked over and around the Great and Powerful Apollo, taking in his great and powerful new look. The Great and Powerful Apollo was now wearing a hat and cape very similar to the Great and Powerful Trixie, but instead of a purple cape and hat, had a royal blue coloured set, complete with affixed stars of gold and silver on the cape and hat.
"Why is Apollo talking in the third pony and wearing a hat and cape?"
"This is how the Great and Powerful Apollo speaks and dresses."
"No it isn't."
"The Great and Powerful Apollo insists it is."
The Great and Powerful Apollo observed the Great and Powerful Trixie for several seconds as she seemed to go through many thoughts in her head. What they could be though eluded the Great and Powerful Apollo.
"The Great and Powerful Apollo has a suggestion for the Great and Powerful Trixie."
"The Great and Powerful Trixie is listening."
"The Great and Powerful Apollo suggests paying the Annoying and Overrated Twilight Sparkle a visit."
The Great and Powerful Trixie rubbed her chin with a hoof in thought.
"The Great and Powerful Trixie agrees."
The Great and Powerful Trixie and the Great and Powerful Apollo walked together towards the library, garnering many looks from not Great or Powerful ponies, whispering jealous remarks amongst themselves about how we are great and powerful and they aren't.
We approached the library without incident and the Great and Powerful Apollo knocked on the door.
Even though it's a PUBLIC library, the Annoying and Overrated Twilight Sparkle locks the door, even when in. Soon, we hear the sound of hooves and embittered muttering about disturbing 'important' science.
The only science in Ponyville being conducted that is important is what the Great and Powerful Apollo is doing.
The door opened and the Annoying and Overrated Twilight Sparkle went to speak before realising who the Great and Powerful ponies were before here. The Annoying and Overrated Twilight Sparkle looked at us with her usual grumpy face, clearly annoyed she is nowhere near our Great and Powerful selves.
"What do you want?"
"The Great and Powerful Apollo and the Great and Powerful Trixie wish to borrow some library books," I said in a great and powerful way.
"Excuse me," Twilight replied, "But what the fuck did you say?"
"The Great and Powerful Apollo and the Great and Powerful Trixie wish to borrow some library books," the Great and Powerful Apollo repeated, silently impressed the Annoying and Overrated Twilight Sparkle swore so fluently and effortlessly. Clearly, the Great and Powerful Apollo is having a positive influence and effect on the Annoying and Overrated Twilight Sparkle.
"I heard that!" she snapped, "What I mean is why are you talking like that?!"
"The Great and Powerful Apollo does not understand what the Annoying and Overrated Twilight Sparkle means."
"Annoying and overrated?!" the Annoying and Overrated Twilight Sparkle hissed venomously, "I am the personal student of Princess Celestia herself!"
"And? The Great and Powerful Apollo does not understand how that makes the Annoying and Overrated Twilight Sparkle immune from criticism or the opinions of others."
"STOP SAYING GREAT AND POWERFUL! TALK NORMALLY!"
...
The Great and Powerful Apollo smirked.
"The Great and Powerful Apollo-"
The next thing the Great and Powerful Apollo heard was a scream akin to a woman finding her first wrinkle and the next thing t he Great and Powerful Trixie and the Great and Powerful Apollo felt was being teleported outside of the library and into the middle of Ponyville.
A few seconds passed as ponies just stared at us before going back to their business, fully accustomed to weird shit happening in their town.
"The Great and Powerful Apollo thinks the Annoying and Overrated Twilight Sparkle did not find it funny."
"The Great and Powerful Trixie agrees," The Great and Powerful Trixie replied, giving the Great and Powerful Apollo a kiss on the cheek which caused the Great and Powerful Apollo to blush, "Now come on, the Great and Powerful Trixie requires a drink."
A few minutes later, we were in Sugarcube Corner and approached the counter, attended to by one who needs no introduction.
"Hi there the Great and Powerful Apollo and the Great and Powerful Trixie," the Crazy and Wild Pinkie Pie said, "How can the Crazy and Wild Pinkie Pie help you today?"
"Greetings, the Crazy and Wild Pinkie Pie," the Great and Powerful Apollo said, "The Great and Powerful Apollo will have an extra large cupcake with bubblegum flavoured icing and a large white chocolate mocha."
"Certainly," the Crazy and Wild Pinkie Pie replied, "And what will the Great and Powerful Trixie have?"
"The Great and Powerful Trixie will have a large blueberry muffin and cappuccino with an extra shot."
"Yes Great and Powerful ponies, right away Great and Powerful ponies," the Crazy and Wild Pinkie Pie replied with a salute, "AnextralargecupcakewithbubblegumflavouredicingandalargewhitechocolatemochaandalargeblueberrymuffinandcappuccinowithanextrashotcomingrightawayGreatandPowerfulponies."
As the Great and Powerful Apollo and the Great and Powerful Trixie waited for their beverages and snacks, they were visited by more of their fellow townsfolk.
"Hey there Apollo! Love the hat and cape."
"The Great and Powerful Apollo greets the Cool and Awesome Rainbow Dash warmly."
The Cool and Awesome Rainbow Dash grinned widely, happier than a Scottish taxi driver stuck in a traffic jam with fare paying passengers, "The Cool and Awesome Rainbow Dash is pleased. Does she get a hat and cape?"
"The Great and Powerful Apollo thought she would be, and yes; we shall get the Cool and Awesome Rainbow Dash a hat and cape."
"Oh sweet!"
"What brings the Cool and Awesome Rainbow Dash here?"
"The Cool and Awesome Rainbow Dash heard that two Great and Powerful ponies were walking through town and I saw them come in here."
"We have just visited the Annoying and Overrated Twilight Sparkle," the Great and Powerful Trixie said, "Where she reacted as you would expect."
"The Annoying and Overrated Twilight Sparkle teleported us outside. The Great and Powerful Apollo is tempted to put in a complaint to the Town Council over being ejected from a public building without just cause."
"The Great and Powerful Trixie will also complain."
"The Cool and Awesome Rainbow Dash will abstain as she was not witness to aforementioned events."
"That's a big word for you."
"The Cool and Awesome Rainbow Dash wishes for the Great and Powerful Apollo to shut up," the Cool and Awesome Rainbow Dash said with a scowl.
Immediately afterwards, the Crazy and Wild Pinkie Pie brought over our snacks and we left soon after, the Cool and Awesome Rainbow Dash joining us.
"So," the Great and Powerful Apollo said, taking a bite of his cupcake, "Where to next?"
"We could head over to Vinyl's music shop?" the Cool and Awesome Rainbow Dash suggested.
"Sure. The Great and Powerful Apollo would like some new music for his collection and to check on Vinyl's progress on converting ours to vinyl."
Along the way we finished our snacks and dumped our rubbish in the bin, pissing off an eco-mentalist nut case that was doing eco-mentalist stuff nearby. Like those eco-mentalist Earth ponies who glued themselves to the landing pad of a chariot landing pad, saying that Pegasi were 'damaging' the air with their flying, in a bid to stop chariot flying.
Clearly they forgot that Pegasi can fly naturally and the Pegasi just simply landed elsewhere.
Idiots.
Before going to the music shop though, we stopped by Barnyard Bargains to get the Cool and Awesome Rainbow Dash a hat and Cape.
Wonderbolt themed.
The Cool and Awesome Rainbow Dash was quite pleased.
Anyway, we were entering the music shop which was already fairly busy with ponies, all of whom immediately looked at us wide eyed. The Great and Powerful Apollo approached the 'Country and Western' section and flicked through the selections.
"Johnny Bits, sounds good," the Great and Powerful Apollo said to himself, "Pegasi In The Sky?"
The Great and Powerful Apollo rolled his eyes, "Stupid pony puns."
"Hey Apollo."
The Great and Powerful Apollo turned around, "Ah, the Electrifying and Mesmerising Vinyl Scratch."
The Electrifying and Mesmerising Vinyl Scratch laughed, "I'll stick with DJ Pon3."
"The Great and Powerful Apollo insists on then name, as does the Great and Powerful Trixie and the Cool and Awesome Rainbow Dash."
"AND THE CRAZY AND WILD PINKIE PIE!"
"DAMMIT IT PINKIE! DON'T DO THAT!" the Great and Powerful Apollo voiced forcefully and loudly.
The Crazy and Wild Pinkie Pie retreated back into the discount basket, disappearing to only Pinkie-knows-where.
"Where was I?" I asked Vinyl.
"The Great and Powerful Apollo insists."
"Ah yes. The Great and Powerful Apollo insists on the name."
"OK, I guess I can-I mean, the Eletrifying and Mesmerising Vinyl Scratch can do that for a while."
"Excellent. Also, the Great and Powerful Apollo enquires as to the progress of conversions."
The Electrifying and Mesmerising Vinyl Scratch grinned, "Right this way."
The Great and Powerful Apollo followed the Electrifying and Mesmerising Vinyl Scratch to the front counter where she took out a box with her magic, filled with vinyl discs.
"Wanna try one?"
Despite what witnesses may state, the Great and Powerful Apollo did NOT squeal like a little filly but instead expressed in a dignified manner his pleasure at such progress and success.
With ponies watching on, the Electrifying and Mesmerising Vinyl Scratch placed the vinyl disc onto the player and set it to play.
Tommy used to work on the docks
The awesome noise attracted ponies from outside and the music shop was now filled to the brim with ponies all wanting to hear awesome and superior human music. Amongst which, were familiar faces.
"Apollo darling, what are you wearing?"
"The Great and Powerful Apollo is wearing a hat and cape."
"Excuse me?"
"The Great and Powerful Apollo is wearing a hat and cape," the Great and Powerful Apollo repeated, "Does the Classy and Polite Rarity approve?"
"Classy and Polite..." the Classy and Polite Rarity began, before giggling, "Oh my, the Classy and Polite Rarity does indeed approve. Though, if the Great and Powerful Apollo had asked, the Classy and Polite Rarity would have made him some."
"It was a spontaneous decision. Is the Gentle and Kind Fluttershy here?"
"She is. We were going to her cottage for tea after our spa trip."
"What about the Blunt and Stubborn Applejack?"
"Blunt and Stubborn?" the Classy and Polite Rarity asked with a hint of disapproval.
"Two words which accurately describe her."
"......the Classy and Polite Rarity cannot dispute that."
"Dispute what?"
"Ah," the Classy and Polite Rarity said, "the Blunt and Stubborn Applejack."
"Blunt and Stubborn what now? Are you all mocking me?"
"No," the Great and Powerful Apollo replied, "We were using two words which accurately describe you as a prefix to your name. The Classy and Polite Rarity will tell you, as will the Cool and Awesome Rainbow Dash and the Crazy and Wild Pinkie Pie."
"What about Fluttershy and Twilight? Do they have these names too?"
"The Gentle and Kind Fluttershy is unaware, but the Annoying and Overrated Twilight Sparkle knows."
"Annoying and Overrated?" the Classy and Polite Rarity repeated, "Didn't we discuss this?"
"The Annoying and Overrated Twilight Sparkle is annoying and overrated."
"Come on guys," the Cool and Awesome Rainbow Dash said, sensing our simmering tempers from a distance, "Let's not get into an argument."
"The Cool and Awesome Rainbow Dash is correct," the Great and Powerful Apollo said, "Let's just enjoy some music from my homeland."
"Your homeland?" the Blunt and Stubborn Applejack said, eyeing the the Great and Powerful Apollo suspiciously, "You mean Russia?"
"Different country, but still nearby."
Depending on how you look at a map.
"Let's hear somethin' then."
"Okie dokie."
"Lokie."
The Great and Powerful Apollo got the Electrifying and Mesmerising Vinyl Scratch to play another song, one he hoped the Blunt and Stubborn Applejack would enjoy.
Almost Heaven, West Virginia
"Well," the Great and Powerful Apollo said, "Did the Blunt and Stubborn Applejack like it?"
After several seconds of ponies watching, waiting for an answer, the Blunt and Stubborn Applejack spoke.
"The Blunt and Stubborn Applejack did."
A stomping of hooves filled the room, the ponies clearly liking the answer. However, the Great and Powerful Apollo noticed something missing.Lighting up my horn to amplify my voice, I spoke.
"Attention little ponies, the Great and Powerful Apollo needs to address a very important issue."
Within minutes, the very important issue had been resolved and all ponies were now donned in a hat and cape. And identifying themselves like the Great and Powerful Apollo and the Great and Powerful Trixie.
"The Soft and Cuddly Muffins demands another song!"
"The Timeless and Mysterious Doctor Hooves seconds this!"
Quickly, another song was chosen. One that the Fiery and Hot Spitfire sings on her day off, though she'd deny it.
Poor old Johnny Ray
"THAT WAS AWESOME!" the Cool and Awesome Rainbow Dash bellowed, Cloudsdale now aware of her opinion.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN HERE?!"
As was one other pony in particular.
Everyone in the room turned towards the Annoying and Overrated Twilight Sparkle.
"Whilst the Great and Powerful Apollo is delighted with your swearing-"
The Annoying and Overrated Twilight Sparkle clapped both hooves over her mouth, only just realising she used very un-pony like language. While the natives were aghast, the Great and Powerful Apollo found it side-achingly hilarious.
"He does not appreciate his homeland's music being interrupted."
"You call that music? And what did I say about talking like that?!"
"Отъебись!"
"STOP SPEAKING THAT LANGUAGE!"
"Hет."
The Annoying and Overrated Twilight Sparkle stomped her hoof down, having yet another temper tantrum.
"Why don't you just enjoy the music?"
"How could anypony enjoy that noise?! I'm trying to work and all I can hear is....whatever you call this!"
"Music?"
"Garggghh! You are impossible!"
"What kind of work?" the Great and Powerful Apollo asked, wanting to avoid an argument.
"The kind that you wouldn't understand."
"Because I'm a stallion?"
"Yes. That and illusion magic is your special talent, not the magic I'm doing."
"Actually aerospace and aeronautical engineering are my special talents, but the Great and Powerful Apollo has dabbled in illusion magic. He had-"
"STOP TALKING LIKE TRIXIE!"
"Does everyone else have to stop too?"
"Huh?"
In all her angst and anger towards me, the Annoying and Overrated Twilight Sparkle failed to notice that everyone in the shop was wearing a hat and cape finally landing her eyes on Trixie, who had the biggest shit eating grin the Great and Powerful Apollo had ever seen.
"Ever since you came here, you have been nothing but trouble. I will find out what you and the monster are up to, and I will stop you!"
She disappeared in a flash of light before any of us could react, leaving us to carry on our impromptu party.
In agreement with Vinyl and the local alcohol magician, we moved the party to the local pub. With the help of others, a huge amount of party food had been laid out along ande with no shortage of music to play and booze to drink, we were all in for a swinging star night.
The Great and Powerful Apollo did invite the Annoying and Overrated Twilight Sparkle but had the library door slammed in his face and a bleeding nose because if it.
Bitch.
Anyway, the Great and Powerful Apollo had booze to drink and food to eat.
We also enforced a dress code for the party. Everyone who attended had to wear a hat and cape.
And give themselves a 'Trixie' name and speak in the third person.
We didn't have to turn anyone away.
"LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!" yelled the Crazy and Wild Pinkie Pie, joining forces with the Electrifying and Mesmerising Vinyl Scratch.
The Electrifying and Mesmerising Vinyl Scratch put a disc into her machine and the music started playing.
Heeeeeeeeey, hey baby,
ooh, aah.
I wanna know, if you'll be my girl.
Not too bad a song for a music night.
*MIDNIGHT*
Not a sound from the pavement. But inside the music was booming and the party was in full swing. Drinks were flowing, food was being devoured, ponies were dancing and singing. The Great and Powerful Apollo was actually enjoying himself and drinking the place dry of whiskey.
The fuzzy locals were still bewildered as to how the Great and Powerful Apollo could consume so much alcohol and still stand and talk coherently.
Being half-Russian helps.
Though being partially alcoholic doesn't help.
"Еще один виски, пожалуйста!" (Yeshche odin viski, pozhaluysta)
"Coming right up, Apollo!" the Great and Wonderful Bar Keeper replied.
"Русский язык смешной," the Crazy and Wild Pinkie Pie said, slightly drunkenly. (Russkiy yazyk smeshnoy)
The Great and Powerful Apollo does not recall teaching the Crazy and Wild Pinkie Pie Russian.
"Russian is not a funny language," the Great and Powerful Apollo said slightly miffed with a scowl, "Русский язык красивый." (Russkiy yazyk krasivyy)
"Точно-точно!," the Cool and Awesome Rainbow Dash added.
"Since when could you all speak any degree of Russian?"
"Since you talk to yourself while working."
"I do not."
"You do. You should really tone down the language too."
"Отъебись!"
"Какой грязный рот. Им им ты целуешь Трикси?" (Kakoy gryaznyy rot. Im im ty tseluyesh' Triksi?)
The Staggered and Bewildered Apollo stared at the Crazy and Wild Pinkie Pie, "How did you-"
"Because I'm Pinkie Pie!"
Before the Great and Powerful Apollo could respond, he felt something on his cheek.
"The Great and Powerful Trixie brings you your drink," she said, giving me a kiss.
"Thank you."
"And a large bag of Pork Scratchings."
"Спасибо."
"Пожалуйста."
Trixie sat herself down next to me, leaning into me slightly. Not that I mind.
"Oh Apollo darling?"
I turned to see the fashion drama queen approach, "Yes? The Classy and Polite Rarity?"
"If you stop by my boutique tomorrow I can give you your suit."
"Suit?"
"That Trixie commissioned."
I looked to Trixie.
"We are attending a garden party, we have to look the part."
"Fine. I suppose it's better than....well, I'll stop by tomorrow. Probably after lunch."
"Splendid. Though do clean yourself first unless you wish to have another lavender bubble bath."
I didn't need to look as to which other pony was laughing.
Stupid Rainbow.
*KNOCK**KNOCK**KNOCK*
"It seems Captain Stick Up His Arse is here."
"OPEN THIS DOOR IMMEDIATELY!"
I stood up and went over to the door and opened it, "The door was unlocked you brain dead eejit."
"SILENCE! STAND ASIDE IMMEDIATELY!"
"Fuck off."
"I beg your pardon?"
"I said fuck off. No laws are being broken, so trot along and go back to brown nosing Celestia's plot."
The Great and Powerful Apollo would press charges but he knows he'd be wasting his time. Even though there were over fifty witnesses who saw him punch me.
After assaulting me the Arsey and Butt Hurt Shining Armour grabbed the not-drunk-despite-what-CaptainButtHurt-says Great and Powerful Apollo, and carried him through the air with his girly magic.
"You are under arrest!" he yelled, locking hoofcuffs on me.
"What the fuck for this time? Banging your sister?"
"WHAT?!" he seethed.
"Didn't actually happen, I didn't bang her."
"You better make certain you never do!" getting close my face.
"I won't. I'm not desperate."
The next thing the Great and Powerful Apollo knew was being sprawled across the ground.
"Don't ever talk about my sister in such a manner!" he seethed.
He picked me up in his magic again, this time taking me over to a chariot used by Solar Guards whilst my nose bled for the third time tonight. The second time was when the Cool and Awesome Rainbow Dash accidentally punched me in the face when pulling off a flight stunt.
Whilst indoors.
Silly mare.
Anyway, back to the chariot, attached to its underside was a cage.
No prizes for guessing who would be occupying it.
I was quickly thrown inside and the door locked.
Captain Smug Twat smirked like the moron he is, "This time, you're going to the dungeons beneath Canterlot Castle. And if I have any say about it, you'll never be let out."
*MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE PUB*
"It seems the Annoying and Overrated Twilight Sparkle has gone tittle tattling to her egotistical fool of a brother," Trixie said, as ponies began filing out of the pub. Their night ruined yet again by the Sparkles.
"I can't argue with you this time, Trixie," Rainbow replied, "You're right. Shining's going to go out of his way to find or create a reason to lock Apollo away."
"Not if Trixie has anything to do with it."
"How can you help?"
"Trixie is the daughter of Daedalus Lulamoon."
"Daedalus Lulamoon?" Rarity repeated, "The Mayor of Vanhoover? Who's an outspoken critic of Princess Celestia?"
"That's him. He won't take too kindly to what is being done to Apollo."
"Surely Princess Celestia would help Apollo?" Rarity asked.
Trixie burst out into laughter, much to the confusion on the others, "Oh that was good."
"Good?"
"You actually think Princess Celestia will help Apollo?"
"Yes. She helped him with his 'situation', did she not?"
"She did."
"Then why-"
"But not how you think."
"What do you mean?"
"Did he tell you he chose to be turned into a pony?"
"He did."
"Did he tell you how?"
"He said he asked to be, so as to avoid...incidents, like when he first appeared."
"Did he mention the part where he was changed against his will? And only agreed to pretend he asked for it to avoid having his and yours memories wiped of the incident altogether?"
"What?"
A long silence followed as the group waited for Trixie to answer. What she said though, was not what they were expecting.
"Did you also know that he isn't the first human to appear in Equestria?"