Comedic Burst of Funniness

by Lunatic God


Major Endearment of Enduring Men

Major Endearment of Enduring Men
-meem
-----


They called me a madman. 

*click*

They called me deranged. 

*click*

Those people were in the wrong. 

*click*

The aliens made sure of it. 

*click*

And now here I am… 

*click*

Shootin’ aliens… 

*click*

Saving prisoners of war… 

*click*

Time-traveling… 

*click*

Now the aliens are after me… 

*shotgun pump*

And I'm havin’ fun. 

Da. Da. Da-daaaaaaaa~


-----
Part 1 - Acquaintances
-----


*BOOM*

“Pyro!" 

Marine held the offending pony off the ground, choking him as he struggled in vain to escape his iron grip. 

“Let ‘em go!" The engineer said, tossing a wrench at him, more as a distraction than anything. 

Name. Purpose. Length.” Marine ordered coldly, loosening his grip to allow Pyro to breathe while still being held. 

“Pyro, business, one week!" The engineer quickly shouted. 

“Let him speak,” Marine said, tightening his grip, eliciting a disapproving grunt from the Pyro. 

“He's in uniform! He can't speak!” The engineer explained. Pyro quickly nodded in response. 

Marine stared at Pyro for a moment longer, before dropping him. 

“Muh muh!" Pyro said, popping down on the tile floor and presenting his hoofcuffed hooves. 

“Why is he hoofcuffed?” The engineer asked, gesturing to Pyro. 

“Assault and battery, assault and battery towards an armed official, destruction of property, destruction of Royal property… would you like me to continue?”

The engineer sighed and shook his head. “Pyro what the hay were you thinkin’?” The engineer asked, glaring at the Pyro. 

Pyro’s ears flattened against his mask. “Murr muh mm mmph muh!" Pyro said, trying his best to imitate a spider with hooves. 

“A spider? That's why you're riled up? A spider?!” The engineer said. He face hoofed with another sigh. “Dammit, Pyro, one of these days, you're gonna git one of us killed!” He exclaimed. 

“Murr murr…" Pyro agreed, drooping his head. 

“Maybe a day or two in prison would teach you some confidence.” The engineer concluded, silently giving Marine the signal to finally take Pyro away. 

“He will be jailed for eight years, with a fine of $15,000 doll-bits, and a bail of $100,000 bits,  and finally, three years of mandatory parole performed by Android SLC-56.” Marine informed them, hefting Pyro over his shoulder before walking away. 

“Wait, he did all that because he saw a spider?" Twilight asked, gaping at the amount of damage that was said to be done because of such a small critter. 

“He’s got extreme arachnophobia, apparently.” The engineer said. He trotted back into the room, returning to his seat. Twilight followed after a moment, shutting the door behind her. 

“Well, we found him,” Twilight stated, slouching in her chair and crossing her hooves. “Do you know why he did those things?” Twilight asked him, lazily floating a notepad and quill over. 

“Ah reckon his arachnophobia has worsened over the years, gettin’ to a point ta where if he sees anythin’ that barely resembles a spider, he’ll go all ballistic and burn everything in sight until he’s absolutely sure it's dead.” He explained, grabbing his beer once more. 

“Well, that's an easy fix!" Twilight exclaimed, slamming her hooves down on the table, which startled the engineer into dropping and shattering his bottle. 

“Darn." He said, still staring at the remains of his drink. 

“Come on!" Twilight said, her horn suddenly glowing brightly. 

“Hold yer horses, pardner.” He stopped her with a hoof, chuckling at his own joke while turning to look back at her. 

“Ah got a better idea.”


-----
Part 2 - Daddy Long Legs
-----


*neroww*

The engineer suddenly appeared on two rapidly spinning thick bar like studs, which slowed to a stop as he stepped off. They quickly began spinning again, creating a glowing disk above them as they reached maximum speed, teleporting its next user, who wobbled off as it repeated its automatic recharging procedure. 

“Whoah!" Twilight exclaimed, tripping on her own hooves. 

The engineer quickly dashed over and caught her mid-air, moving her upright while continuing to support her with a hoof over her shoulder. “Careful there, your majesty." He said, watching her eyes cartoonishly spin in their sockets before she violently shook her head, stopping the rpm if her eyes before they ended up winning a race. 

“Wha wuz tha…?” Twilight slurred, her vision and balance still a bit blurry as she swayed on the moist grass. 

“Heh heh. Sorry ‘bout that. Gotta get used to it." The engineer nervously said, patting her with his supporting hoof before removing it. 

She shook her head once more, finally clearing the haze as the engineer walked off. 

“Hey, wait up!" Twilight exclaimed, hurrying to catch up to the ingenious earth pony. As they came up to a garage door, he stopped, stopping her as well with a hoof. 

“Wait here, please. My teammates can be a bit… Rowdy." He said. She suddenly began hearing a continuous beat muffled through the garage entrance and its concrete frame. 

The engineer walked up to the door, which smoothly rolled up, blasting music in her face and revealing what seemed like a party for a second before it closed again, leaving her alone with her thoughts and the continuous beat. 

Suddenly, the beat stopped. She wondered why for a split second before the silence was replaced by many different noises. The only one she could hear somewhat clearly through the cacophony of clean up was a glass bottle shattering, seemingly followed by a drunken curse that she didn't understand through the wall. 

Then, just as suddenly as it had begun, the noise stopped. The garage door slid open again with a thump, revealing seven more ponies in a line, standing at attention, with the engineer still just in front of the garage door. He smiled and waved her in. She trotted in, scanning the line of specialists as the garage door slid shut behind her. 

“I told ‘em ta just stand there, quietly, while we do our business.” The engineer exclaimed. They all see me professional, apart from one of them, who seemed to have started sleeping while standing, snoring loudly. 

“Vake up, dummkopf!” The German stallion beside the sleeping pony whisper shouted, elbowing him in the ribs. 

“Ah! Whaz goin’ on…" They suddenly awakened pony began yelling drunken slurs, before falling to the ground, fast asleep once more. 

“Dummkopf.” The cross emblazoned stallion said once more, returning his sight forward while correcting his glasses with a hoof. 

The first pony’s cheeks were suddenly puffed out, seemingly barely able to hold in his laughter as tears streamed down his cheeks. 

“What's so funny, scout?" The engineer asked, unintentionally setting him off. 

The scout burst into laughter, rolling on the ground while clutching his stomach, sending his weapon flying past the princess's head. 

“Scout, you doggone idiot!” The engineer scolded, grabbing the offender by the scruff of his neck and lifting him up. The scout’s laughter died down as he looked at the engineers fuming face. After a second of silence, the scout suddenly burst into a fit of laughter again, wriggling in the engineer's iron grip. 

“Oh, your face! Your face!” The scout exclaimed, barely able to speak as he pointed a hoof at the engineer. 

The engineer sat and whacked the scout in the head, making a loud slap as his laughter was suddenly replaced with an exclamation of pain as the scout began rubbing his cheek. 

“What the hell was that crap?” The hurting pegasus asked, glaring at the engineer. 

“Ya nearly hit tha princess with ya careless, reckless, dumbass gun when ya lost your composure!” He shouted, a massive scowl adorning his face. 

The scout merely stared at him with a confused look. 

“What?" The scout exclaimed.

The engineer turned him to look at the princess, who smiled sheepishly and greeted him with a small wave. 

The scout’s eyes went wide, his rubbing hoof slowing to a stop. 

“‘Kay, this does not look good here, um…" The scout said, struggling to escape the engineer's grasp. 

“You're excused,” Twilight said. 

A large smile appeared on the scout’s face. “Really? Alright!" He cheered, pumping a hoof into the air. He kept this pose for a moment before nervously turning to his captor. 

“Ya know you can drop me now." He said. The engineer quickly complied, dropping him unceremoniously onto the concrete floor. The scout quickly scrambled upright, darting back into his position in line. 

The engineer shook his head with a disapproving sigh as he lowered his hoof. 

“Kids." He muttered, a small grin gracing his lips. 

“Now." The engineer started, clapping his hooves together before rising. “Onto business!" 

“Engineer!" A heavily Russian accented voice called. 

“Yes, heavy?" He replied, staring around the middle of the line at the large speaking pony. 

“Put dispenser here!" He shouted, the entire line bursting into laughter at their inside joke, the heavy slamming his hoof into the concrete along with his heavy laughter. 

The engineer face hoofed, the small grin widening ever so slightly as Twilight chuckled lightly at their team chemistry.