//------------------------------// // How the Cookie Derps // Story: My Best Mare's Wedding // by Cupcake Chaos //------------------------------// The four sat in Pinkie pie’s apartment much worse for the wear. Rainbow dash and Spike both nursed their injuries with ice packs, Gilda was trying to get the image of her “sweet innocent” fiancé in bondage gear out of her mind, and Pinkie was furiously baking dozens of cookies in an effort to make everyone feel better. They looked at each other across the dining room table, each one feeling too awkward and pained to speak. Pinkie had previously hosted less awkward, uncomfortable parties for inanimate objects in this room. As she brought out a tray of chocolate chip cookies and placed a mug of hot chocolate in front of everyone, Spike cleared his throat and broke the ice. “So. Pinky is pretty darn kinky.” “Spike don't even start.” Gilda sighed, chugging down her entire mug of coco in one gulp. “Oh come on. Is no one gonna talk about this? I don't even understand what the power sander would be for let alone why someone would ride i…” A claw reached out and pulled the little dragon into a powerful bear hug. Gilda eyed him menacingly, flexing her other talons into a fist. “I believe. I said. Drop. It.” She spat, each word containing all the venom she could possibly muster. Rainbow dash leapt from the table and stared the griffon down, daring her to harm him. “So all that stuff about you being changed and being a different griffon really was bullshit. Guess I didn’t haveto spy on you to show Pinks what kind of jerk you really are.” Gilda dropped Spike and turned to meet Dash’s gaze, her muscles tensing in anger. The two focused on each other for several minutes before Gilda relaxed and slumped back into her seat. “Look I'm not dealing with this crap from you tonight Dash. You broke the law to spy on me and her in OUR apartment, you barely gave us a chance to explain ourselves before you wigged out and flopped out of a balloon earlier, you got this kid involved in your sick twisted voyeurism, and you got my fiancé to reveal something about herself I frankly never wanted to know. How the hell are we gonna go to the post office and mail our invitations now Dashie? Huh? How?” She groaned, holding her head in her claws. “I wigged out because you waited not only until you were engaged, but just a month or two before your damn wedding to tell me about it. You got all my best friends in the world hiding crap from me just because you can’t take having to apologize for something you shouldn’t have done in the first place, oh yeah and your marrying the only girl I’ve ever cared about since you broke my heart in Cloudsdale.” Gilda leapt onto the table, knocking over dozens of cookies, scattering them across the apartment.“I didn’t break your stupid heart, I told you me and Ditzy were just friends but you didn’t want to believe me! I don't even like blondes!” “Well you sure as hell liked her when I caught you two in her bunk swappin spit!” “I wasn’t kissing her, she got her damn hoof glued to her face again and I had to peck it off with my beak! My claws weren’t that sharp as a kid you know.” “Yeah like Id believe that!” “Whiney brat!” “Jerk wad!” “Ummm hey guys” Spike offered slowly. “WHAT!” They bellowed, still glowering at each other. He cringed a bit and stared into his coco. “N…nothing I guess. I just thought you two would be wondering where Pinkie was right about now.” The two looked away from each other long enough to see that Pinkie, had indeed, left the room. Before either of them could guess where she’d gone to the pink mare was already hopping back into the room smiling. There was a small commotion behind her making its way up the stairs, the sounds of someone bumping into several walls with a weak “ow” following each one. Soon enough a gray pegasus with sandy blonde hair was hovering at the top of the stairs looking at them. Her front left hoof held a paper bag and the right hoof was completely glued to her face. Despite her usual wall eyed expression she seemed both amused and ashamed. “Hiya Gilda. Pinkie said you help. My face is sticky again.” Ditzy doo pouted, trying her best to pull her hoof off her cheek. Spike smiled and sipped more of his coco. “Yep I knew it. Pinkie is magic.” Rainbow dash snatched his mug from him and downed it as Gilda flapped across the room toward the gray pony. She held Ditzy’s face gently in her claws and used her beak to snip at the loose strands of glue between her hoof and her cheek. When she finished the pony flexed her leg around a bit and then swung it around Gilda’s neck hugging her tight. “Thank you much Gildy. I super missed you. I can’t play with glue without you around.” “Ditzy sweetie, maybe you shouldn’t play with glue at all?” Her eyes straightened out noticeably and she pulled a pearl necklace out of the paper bag. She used the last bit of glue on her hooves to secure the necklace around her neck and stick the paper bag to her forehead so it would remain upright like a top hat. “Inconceivable! Now my dear griffon, if you’ll escuse me I'm off to a dinner party.” She bowed at the lot of them and made her way slowly back down the stairs bumping along as she went. Rainbow dash slowly approached Gilda, trotting through the cookie pieces with her head bowed low. She faltered for a moment before she wrapped her hooves around Gilda, and sobbed into her feathers. “Oh Gilda, I'm so stupid, I cant believe…” “Just stop it Dash.” Gilda wrenched her shoulder out of Dash’s grasp and stared her square in the eye. “You do not get to apologize for this one. You have much more important things to apologize for. I'm in love with Pinkie. She’s the most important thing in the world to me. So why can’t you just be happy for us? That’s what friends are supposed to do aren't they? Be happy when their friends find happiness? Share joy with people they care about, even if it means they don't get what they want? Why are you being so… selfish and so…so…” “Unloyal.” Pinkie muttered. Dash felt a bolt through her heart at the idea. She was supposed to be the lightning bolt. The very embodiment and spirit of loyalty. The element so loyal to her friends she was helping them find happiness even before she met them. She had risked her life to protect them. She had completely ignored a Wonderbolts performance date because she wanted to help Fluttershy prepare for her wedding. And yet there she stood in a pile of broken cookies, having just betrayed the privacy of two of her best friends in an attempt to destroy their happiness. Rainbow curled into a ball on the floor. Admitting weakness, especially this weakness wasn’t something she’d ever wanted to do but if there was ever a time to do it, it was now. “Gilda. Pinkie pie. The reason I'm so against your wedding, is because it ruined my last chance.” “What do you mean Dashie?” Pinkie whispered, gently patting her on the back. “Pinkie you were the last crush I had. And Gilda you were the first. If both the girls I care about are getting married, that means… that means I’ll always be alone. I’ll never have another chance at finding love. I’ll be alone forever. And to an element meant to spend their life devoted to caring for her friends… I just…” She started sobbing again, this time into Pinkies hair. “I don't want to be alone. I can’t be. I can’t live like that. I can’t be all alone anymore.” She bawled, bracing herself against her friend. “Oh Dashie were so sorry. We both care so much about each other we never stopped to think about how much you cared about us. But I guarantee you won’t be alone Rainbow dash. We will always be your friends and no matter what we’ll be right here for you. And you have so many other friends…” “But that’s just the problem Pinks, I'm always the friend, I'm always such a good friend but I'm never the girlfriend. I guess if I wanted a stallion it would be easier, but I just can’t find a mare to love me.” Gilda sat on the other side of Dash and wrapped a wing around her. “Then we’ll help. We’ll find a girlfriend for you. You should have just told us Dash. We would do absolutely anything to help you. You know, last I heard Cloud kicker and Gusty were both single.” “Really? You guys would do that for me?” She smiled, wiping away the last of her tears. “Hell yeah we would! And don't worry, your gonna find someone in no time.” “Yeah and I’ll be your wing dragon!” Spike laughed, holding a fresh cup of coco and a few dusty cookies in front of her. The friends all smiled and laughed, drinking coco and enjoying each others company the rest of the night. They were so engrossed in conversation; they never heard the chorus of whispers from the top of the staircase. “Cutie Mark Crusaders Dating Service! Yay!”