Turns out, despite this place being such a huge castle, there isn't actually much to do in it. At least not that I found. Sure, every place has a purpose; the food court, the barracks, the guest room halls, the offices, etc. etc.
But not much to actually do in said places, as they all have a purpose, which isn't entertainment. Understandably so, the country has to run somehow.
The glares the guards keep sending my way don't help either. Sure, I nearly killed a few of them but that was just to get them to back off before they did something stupid. I'd rather take them out of the fight while I'm still in control than accidentally kill them out of reaction, and I'm sure they'd prefer it that way too. It was probably a bit too far, but I had murder on the mind anyways. They're lucky I only wanted Celestia.
God that name leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and I didn't even actually say it. To be fair though, my thoughts have been my only form of expression for the longest time, so it's still weird to actually have a physical reaction to my thoughts.
Back to the now though, I'm still wandering the halls, looking for SOMETHING to do. I told Luna I'd stay in the Canterlot, so that's what I'll do. However, while the guards may be disciplined enough to not act on their emotions, I can still feel their hateful glares and watchful gazes.
I decide to go back to the balcony I hung out with Skyline at, figuring at least there I could be alone. It takes me a few tries and a few dead ends before I actually found it, but when I did I climbed up on the guard rail and sat down on it, dangling my legs over the ledge. I sit there and let my thoughts pass through my head without interruption.
… I wonder if I'd still take fall damage after blinking…
I look down over the ledge at the seven odd stories below, and quickly decide that I'll not be testing that here. Besides, I'd rather not bleed out my of eye right now anyways.
I suddenly remember that I have something that I've been meaning to check out, and quickly pull out the rectangle thing I have.
I examine it, and discover it's called a phone. Okay, neat. Flipping it over, I see three buttons, which my eye identifies as power, volume up, and volume down. Alright, power… pressing it, the screen lights up and opens to a lock screen which displays an image of a white tribal styled stars. After taking a second to unlock it, it goes to a home screen, displaying a background of the same stars, but now black with a white background. Cool. I glance at the battery percentage, which sits at a flat 50%.
Only reason I'm able to identify anything is because of my eye. Without it, I'd be lost…. Same could be said for allot of stuff in my life actually.
Alright…. Gonna have to find a way to charge this at some point. Deciding to just keep it simple, I decide to look through the gallery. Several folders appear on screen, one of which causes my eyes to widen slightly as I realize what it is; I look around, paranoid that someone was nearby. They weren't, of course.
I didn't remember what a female human looked like, but I sure as hell know what genitals look like.
I can feel a mild blush playing across my face, much to my annoyance. I'm one thousand an-. No wait… two thousand and fourteen years old…I've watched ponies fuck, not that I had a choice in the matter mind you; this shouldn't embarrass me so much. I roll my eyes and look at the other folders, tapping on one of them labeled memes. I get through about thirty of them before I decide to go back. Some of them were funny, others I didn't understand at all. I decide to look through the camera roll, and I'm a little off put by the amount of other humans. After so long of only seeing ponies and animals, I forgot what kind of variation humans can have.
I get a little upset when I realize that those were humans that were in my life back then. People who were important to me; why take a picture otherwise? Pushing my examination a bit further, I figure out who some people were. Mostly friends, mostly the same ones. I stop when I come across a picture of me and what is apparently my family. My mom and dad.
The sad thing is, I don't actually feel anything towards these individuals…. Yeah, I'm upset at having lost them, but I can't remember anything about them. Yeah, my eye can tell me they were good parents, that they loved me. But outside of that, it's like I never knew them.
Something else that catches my attention is the name that associated with me in the image. Jace Ingram Soto. was that my name? Then why did the eye label me as Null when I looked at my reflection...
Am I really such a different person now? So much so that I'm not even deserving of my birth name?
I wipe the tears that's been collecting in my eyes for the past few minutes that I've been staring at this picture, and back out of the camera roll. It's weird, I don't even know why I'm crying.
I inhale deeply through my nose to try and clear the mucus that had gathered, let out a shaky sigh, and look out to the horizon, letting the phone hang loosely in hand.
"Whatcha got there?" An annoyingly familiar voice comes from right behind me. Startled, I end up throwing the phone into the air and it bounces from hand to hand a few times before I narrowly catch it over the ledge.
Securing my grip on it, I let out a sigh of relief and turn to glare at the owner of the voice. "None of your business." I say pocketing the phone.
Upon seeing my face and the evidence that I had been crying, he winces a bit. "Ya all right man?" He asks.
Letting out a sigh, I turn again and look back at the horizon. "I'm fine."
"You don't look fine. Wanna talk about it?"
"If someone says they're fine, they clearly don't wanna talk about what's troubling them. So you tell me." I respond tersely.
He stands there for a moment before hopping up on the guard rail and sitting next to me. "Your friend asked when the next time she'll be able to see you was."
Appreciative for the change the subject, I decide to give him a reply that isn't rude or snide. "And what did you tell her?"
"I told her it's up to her. She's the one who's gotta make the trip to Canterlot. Not an expensive train ride, but she didn't look like she had much to begin with." He replies evenly.
I let out a sigh. "Yeah, it wouldn't be fair to expect someone to give up what little money they have to see you. Especially when we just met."
He looks at me. "Hey, she's the one who asked about you. You seem to have made quite an impression on her."
I scoff. "Either that, she's happy she got to keep some books, or she still thinks I'm a god."
"Yeah, I heard a bit about that. God of luck wasn't it?" He asks, trying to keep the conversation going.
I groan at the prospect of hearing another person say it. "Yeah, I was considered the God of luck. I don't know how many people still know of that, let alone how many of them still believe that after what I did."
"I dunno what to tell you about that. What I can tell you is that you still had a following. Or rather, it was brought back. When your statue was recovered, question was brought up about what you were. The plaque on your pedestal left Celestia pretty much no wiggle room, and she didn't wanna scare anyone. So she ended up telling them about your godhood, but told them that you were merely made in your own image, not that you actually we're the statue." He explains.
"Hmpf… Damage control it would seem. Tell everyone half truths, and give them something else to be happy about so they don't notice the omissions. Typical. Wait, why do you know all this?" I question as I turn to face him.
He shrugs. "I just sorta basic knowledge. Admittedly I did read up on you when Luna tasked me with watching you, but still. Was mostly just refreshers."
I stare at him for a bit, deep in thought. Turning back to the horizon, I let out a sigh. "You know, I'm not ACTUALLY a god, right? I can't just, snap my fingers and make everything right in the world. I can't make you win the lottery or whatever. All this God stuff is just… fake, make believe."
He stays silent for a moment, I assume trying to formulate his thoughts into words. "does that really matter?"
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"Fake god or not, you're still a figure associated with the concept of luck. If it makes people happy, if it gives some a reason to go on, is it really wrong to be what they want you to be?" He goes on to explain.
I actually think hard on that thought. Would it be so wrong? Looking down at the ground, I get a flashback of when the ponies were preparing to launch their assault on Sombra's capital. Thousands of soldiers praying to me. Praying for me to watch out for them, for a safe trip home, for luck on the battlefield, to watch over their families for them in the very likely event that they don't return. Hundreds of voices run through my head, each with a similar request. Would they not have had the same motivation to fight had they not thought I was there for them? Is placebo's really a bad thing? Do they actually work?
The flashback fades, and I'm back on the ledge of the guard rail. My first interactions with Starlight Glimmer comes to mind. 'if your faith in me kept you going, then it wasn't for nothing.' if I helped her just by being a thought in her day, just how many others did I help in the same way?
"Maybe not… but I think it might not matter anymore after what I tried to do to their princess. Opinions will definitely be mixed. And even if they were mostly positive, what am I supposed to tell them? Matter of fact, what would become of Celestia? I tried to kill her, and as you put it, screamed my reasons to the heavens above. I can't just say, 'oh we talked it over and everything cool now'. But I can't make them think I want them to revolt against Celestia either. What would I even wanna do with them anyways? I don't know what I even WANT to do about them. Then there's the diehard Celestia devotee's, who would probably want me killed for trying to hurt their princess. I'm sure no matter what she told them they'd still want me punished. And then there's those caught in the middle of it, those who don't know what to think anymore. Confused that their 'perfect princess' would do such a thing."
He chuckles. "You make it sound as if you care about Celestia."
I scoff. "I don't give a rats ass about her. I care about what she is to the nation. To the world. I need Equestria and the world to function properly to live a normal life here. She controls the sun and helps run the nation. Plus, she's Luna's sister. Anything that happens to her because of me would make her think less of me, so I have to be careful about her for my own interests. But if anything happens to her that isn't my fault, you can bet your ass I won't be doing a damn thing about it."
He tilts his head. "Despite her controlling the sun as you mentioned?"
"She controlled the Moon when Luna was gone. I'm sure Luna could do the same." I say.
"And what if Luna asked you to help Celestia? What would she think if she knew you just let her sister die?" He pressed.
"Just what scenario do you got running in that head of yours?" I snap.
"Say she was in a fight with something. And Luna for whatever reason couldn't go help her, or even if she could, needed you to help as well. Would you?"
I take a moment to think about it. As much as I hate it, Luna really wouldn't forgive me if I said no.
"I'd have no choice but to say yes. I'd only focus on fighting though, Celestia would have to watch her own ass; I'm not gonna throw myself in the way of an attack for her sake. If I do something that inadvertently saves her from an attack, it would be coincidence. But what are the chances of any of that happening? That's worst case scenario. I highly doubt I'll ever be put in that position." I answer.
"On top of that, in case you forgot, I ain't much of a fighter. Our little trounce in the dueling circle can easily attest to that. Hell, had Celestia chosen to fight back when I tried to kill her, I probably wouldn't be here." I tack on.
"It's about what you'd be willing to do. It shows that you care just by saying that you'd do it. At least a little bit; whether you think so or not. Now whether you actually follow through is a different story, but still up to you." He states.
"Tch… whatever. You think what you wanna think man…. Ya know, this is what I meant last night. If I think too much I'll just make myself angry."
"So, what, you're just not gonna think for the rest of your life?" He asks.
"Of course not. Doesn't mean I like it though. I did nothing but think for a thousand years, I'm kinda tired of it." I say.
He remains quiet after that. I don't have anyone else I feel the need to say either, so we settle into a companionable silence.