Novus Equus Ordo
Hadrian ran towards Macintosh as the massive crowd slowly paused their party and realized the gravity of the situation. Not only were Equestria's heroes drunk, but every single one of their known enemies was attacking at the same time, along with about half of the citizens. The scene in Ponyville was still relatively quiet, but in the nation's capital things would decide their fate. Hadrian reached the stage and called out to Macintosh, "hey Mac we need your help now."
"What's up prince," Macintosh leaned down from the stage to address the colt.
"The only thing which can stop the civilian uprising is weed, and lots of it." Hadrian tried to explain the situation, "I need to know where you keep your stash, it will take about twenty pounds of the stuff to save all of Canterlot and I will not be able to pay you until all of this is over. But in exchange for your product, I will ensure that you receive a hundred thousand bits from the royal treasury."
"Just take what you need and we can work it out later," Mac answered, "you can find it in the cellar behind my barn. There's about sixty pounds spread out in three different barrels."
"You are truly a hero Macintastic," Hadrian slapped the stallion's hoof before turning around to leave, "come on elements the time grows short and it will take a lot of magic for me to pull this off."
"By the way, it's Mac the Ripper now," Macintosh shouted to Hadrian, watching as the prince flashed a smug, 'I told you so' grin before gathering the six ponies and leaving the party.
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Enchanted ponies were burning down buildings and harming all those around them as the anarchy exploded in the streets, and all Celestia could do was watch. "My poor little subjects," she began to cry from her balcony on the side of the castle, "I have failed you all."
"Indeed you have you wretched mule," Lord Solaris shouted from across the room, "and I can promise that this will be the last time that you do so."
"So you have helped the cult for your own personal gain cousin," Celestia turned around and faced the other alicorn, her sorrow turning into a burning hatred, "yet you still think this is for the best. I cannot believe that you have used lies and treachery to get your way. My grandfather was a horrible leader, but what you and your comrades have done to this nation is completely unforgivable. I will personally see to…"
"My untimely death, yes yes I have heard the whole speech before," Solaris rudely interrupted, "now if you would be so kind as to shut the tartarus up and let me kill you it would be appreciated."
Celestia drew a pair of swords and strapped them to her front legs, assuming a battle stance and waiting for the charge. Solaris assumed the same stance and charged his cousin, knowing that only one of them would survive and not caring who.
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"You nasty old fool," Fleur De Lis screamed as she charged into Fancy Pants' home, "I have come to see to your slow and painful death."
Fancy Pants dropped the blunt hanging out of his mouth and gawked at his ex. "What getting half of my fortune and keeping all of yours wasn't enough?" he asked as he stared down Fleur, "now you are charging into my home right before I have to go out and fight. You know it's bad enough that Nightmare Moon crushed my ribcage and forced me to retire from the guard, but tonight I have to go fight average citizens simply because I do not know how to help end the insanity. And now you show up with some stupid demands. Please just make it quick."
"Really, you think this is about you?" Fleur smiled as she slowly approached the stallion, "you obviously don't know do you. Oh how shamefully out of the loop you are, your family was of means, but middle class just makes ponies like me laugh. You are nothing but a nouveau riche foal who lucked out in the Manehattan stock exchange. I have come to kill you, not for personal reasons, but because you are a possible savior to the Princesses."
"You are behind this madness?" Fancy Pants gawked at the slender mare, "but why?"
"It's all just a power thing Fancy," Jet Setter came in the door with a sabre attached to his front hoof, "you wouldn't understand with your inferior brain. Our leader the great Illuminatus has called for your disposal. This will be fun for us."
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"Quickly Apple Jack, grab two of those barrels," Hadrian barked out commands as he finished teleporting all of the mane six from the party to Apple Jack's cellar at once, "Twilight and Rarity secure the perimeter! Fluttershy wake up!"
"Hehehe this is totally rad," Apple Jack laughed as she tried and failed to buck the barrels off of the shelf, "I aint never saved the world this trashed before."
"The proper way to say that is I've never," Rarity stumbled forward and put her front leg around the earth pony, "using double negatives is a total buzz-kill."
"Oh my Faust! Do I have to do everything myself?" Hadrian mumbled under his breath as Apple Jack and Rarity began to have a hoof fight in the middle of the barn. He whistled loudly and caught the attention of the pair. "KNOCK IT OFF!" he screamed at the mares before levitating the massive barrels towards him, "and Fluttershy wake up!"
Fluttershy looked around the room and groaned, "Hadrian, I'm only going to wake up if you smoke with me some more." The blonde pegasus giggled before Rainbow Dash kicked her side. "Ok ok I'm up dude," Fluttershy stumbled back to the circle.
"Ok everyone you know the drill, join hooves and I will teleport us to Canterlot,"Hadrian stepped into the middle of the circle and activated his immense power, "I really hope you six can actually pull this off."
"Don't worry about it bro," Rainbow Dash grinned, "we were ALMOST this wasted when Nightmare Moon ruined our summer sun celebration. If the Elements of Harmony can't do it then no pony can." And with that the drunk ponies teleported instantly to Canterlot, ready to fight their enemies in a battle to end all battles.
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Princess Mi Amore Cadenza adorned herself with armor and prepared to fight off the crowd beginning to envelope the castle when suddenly the unconscious body of Shining Armor flew into her bedroom. "Shiny!" she screamed as she ran over to hug her husband.
Queen Chrysalis walked into the room with a smug grin on her face. "Your husband's love for you has once again given me the strength to defeat him," the changeling sneered, "and now for you to die at my mercy like a sad little filly."
"I am never going to go down without a fight," Cadence stood up and readied herself, "you can hurt me physically, but you can never truly defeat me Chrysalis."
"Blah blah blah," Chrysalis jeered back, "let's just do this damn thing."
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Discord flew up into the air and made the atmosphere into a fiery abyss. He caused hot lava to rain down from the sky, singeing every pony on the streets who was not under the chaos spell. He tore through the pink cotton candy clouds and spit acid on every passing pegasus he could. "Stupid little ponies," he laughed at their misfortune, "I love causing horrible things to happen to all of you." He flew up even higher and began to descend as fast as he could, causing a sonic cone to begin to appear around him. He kept increasing velocity, plummeting to the ground at top speed until the most horrific rain-boom of all time was created. "Sonic pain-boom," He grinned as it shredded apart the atmosphere and sent a deafening blast at every pony near him, "I haven't had this much fun in ages."
The changelings began to follow his lead, plummeting head first into the castle to try and undermine its foundation. "Hahahaha," Discord menacingly laughed at the damage he was causing, "chaos reigns supreme!" He landed gracefully on top of a cloud, awaiting the inevitable attack from one of the princesses. He made a glass of chocolate milk appear and took a smug sip, watching as the Changelings continued to dive bomb the castle head first.
Suddenly out of nowhere, Luna smashed through the cloud, grabbed Discord, and hurtled him towards the ground faster than he could recover from. She struck him with lightening and screamed, "get up you wretched cur," at the monster.
"It's about damn time you showed up," Discord pulled himself up out of a crater and fixed his eyebrows from the static coming off of them, "I have only been waiting all day."
"Thou art a vile monstrous coward, hath thee no decency?" Luna cried out as she looked upon the carnage Discord had caused. She struck him with another lightning bolt, hearing Discord cry out in pain.
"What art thou drawn among these foalish fools?" Discord sneered, dusting himself off to mimic the princess' verbal mannerisms, "turn thee Luna and look upon thy death!"
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The ponies landed in the highest room of the tallest tower of Canterlot Castle. Hadrian was out of breath, using that amount of magic wasn't good for any pony, not even a royal alicorn. "Ok girls, I need you to…find the element charms and use them as soon as possible," he spoke with authority even as the sweat poured off of his brow, "I will use my stoner spell to get every single pony in this city high all at once which will effectively break the curse."
"Are you sure you have enough herb?" Twilight asked.
"Yeah, I'll be fine, just go now!" Hadrian claimed, "we don't have much time." And with that the mane six ponies ran as quickly as their drunk hooves could carry them, down the stairs from atop the highest tower in Canterlot Castle. Hadrian broke open the barrels and began to focus all of his energy. With all of his power and all of his might, the prince enveloped all of the glorious ganja into a single massive spell.
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"All is going according to plan," Illuminatus smiled at the havoc he was wreaking upon the pony masses, "now the only thing which can stop me is a massive, herbal based spell, and not a single pony in all of Equestria, not even the royals, have that kind of power under their control." The enchanted pony mob was burning government buildings, the changelings were undermining the castle's foundation, Discord was causing untold damage, and an explosive charge was to be set under the city, causing the entire capitol to slide off of the mountain side. As soon as the New Pony Order had left the city in ruin, all evidence of their crime would be wiped from the face of the planet.
Suddenly, Illuminatus noticed a disturbance in the atmosphere. He looked towards the castle and noticed a massive ball of energy begin to form atop the highest tower. "It can't be," he cringed at the site. The green ball of energy burst, sending out shock waves of magically enhanced THC at the populous, and as suddenly as the revolt had started it stopped. "NO, no, no, no, no, no!" Illuminatus cried out as the fires stopped and the crowd ceased to destroy everything in their path, "centuries of planning, years of preparation, and those Faust damned assassins didn't kill the only pony in Equestria who could stop me! What the Tartarus happened to my assassins?"
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At the party in Ponyville, which had never stopped despite the uproar in Canterlot, three large, vicious looking, incredibly powerful unicorns were almost too intoxicated to comprehend anything. "Wow Sprinkles Wallace just smoked with us," one of the assassins grinned, "I'm so glad Illuminatus sent us to this epic party!"
"Wait, wait, guys I think we bucked up," another suddenly realized, "we were sent to this party to kill somepony and I think he left like thirty minutes ago. Illuminatus will kill us for sure."
"That's if they didn't kill him already," the third snickered, "I mean really if our target was as important as they said he was then our leader will be dead wayyy before he can kill us."
"I find yalls' lack of professionalism disturbin," Sprinkles grinned as he levitated three shots over to the would be assassins, "but who give a crap fa reals, this party too damn fun to be interrupted by some bullshit."
"Good point," the first assassin smiled, "now pass those shots over here while we reevaluate our career options."
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"Oh boy and now there are blood stains in my damned carpet," Fancy Pants sneered at his incapacitated foes. Jet Setter and Fleur were tied up and bleeding profusely, "you both owe me for this 8th century pottery I smashed on your skulls."
"I refuse to pay for anything you common pony trash," Jet Setter tried to sound tough even with an injured, blood soaked face. Fancy Pants kicked the wealthy unicorn in his face for the sixth time that evening and watched as the stallion began to weep like a newborn foal.
"I believe that one just scuffed my shoe," Fancy Pants tisked at his sterling silver horseshoe (a gift from Rarity), "you owe me a new set Jet. Now if you don't mind telling me where the bomb is hidden… I would really hate to waste my cast iron pans on that simply garish skull of yours."
"But how did you manage to defeat both of us?" Fleur asked as Fancy Pants made his way to the kitchen, "you were nearly killed when Nightmare Moon crushed your ribcage and your lung collapsed, you always have so many health problems. And the lazy eye, I mean come on…"
"For starters the monocle is a fashion statement," Fancy paused before pulling out his cast iron skillet, "and of course I have health problems, you don't think I picked Shining Sparkle replace me for no reason at all? In fact I just know ways to fight that little spoiled rich ponies like you could only dream of having the patience to learn." He swung the skillet in the air a couple of times with his magic, cracking a smile, "you know I don't really care for the idea of a New Pony Order, seems like a massive waste of time and energy… or in this case fine cooking utensils. So did you want to tell me who your leader is and where I can find the bomb, or will I have to slug you out of the park?"
"I will see you bucked all the way to tartarus you uncouth bastard," Jet Setter cried out, "you can strike me all you want, but when our plan succeeds your death will…" Jet Setter fell cold to the ground as a nasty 'ping' sound was heard. The iron skillet remained completely unscathed.
"Well fancy that," Fancy Pants grinned at his flawless skillet, "Rarity has quite the taste in cooking wear."
"Don't hit me," Fleur cringed at the devious grin on Fancy's face, "I will tell you everything."
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Hadrian was completely drained; his power had been used up in a very short amount of time and it was hard for him to even stand. Two teleportations with a large group, and the biggest herbal spell ever done by a pony had left him completely breathless, magic-less, and sweating as if it were the middle of August. He stumbled over to the window and looked out at the peace he had created, feeling truly proud of himself before collapsing on the floor.
Suddenly with a flash of light, Illuminatus appeared in the tower room, the absolute loathing and anger apparent on his face. "You stupid, lazy, pot smoking, son of the queen of whores!" Illuminatus screamed, "you have ruined my plans, ruined my perfect society, ruined the twenty richest bloodlines in all of Equestria."
"Well I guess I just did my job," Hadrian quietly rasped out from his spot on the floor, "if you go now and hoof yourself in I promise that you will be given community service Ingolstadt… but only if we don't have to extradite you to the Griffons or the Zebras."
"Me serve this community of wretched commoners," Illuminatus stuck out his tongue in disgust, "I would rather just take you captive in this severely weakened state and use you to force your mother to abdicate her position."
"It's not gonna work," Hadrian chuckled at the desperate pony's last attempt, "but hey you might as well give it a try, after all it's not like they do horrible things to a wealthy unicorn in a zebra prison." Illuminatus cringed before tying a rope around the prince. Once the royal hostage was secure, Illuminatus began his teleportation spell, and readied himself for the last ditch effort to cling to power.
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"Princess Celestia are you… oh," Twilight ran through the door into the princess' chambers to see the carcass of Lord Solaris bleeding out onto the hardwood floor. Celestia appeared to be hurt, a deep gash in her leg and a nasty scratch near her left eye, but other than that the princess was relatively fine.
"Oh Faust," Fluttershy screamed at the dead body before throwing up in the hallway.
"Dude I can't believe the princess just killed somepony," Rainbow Dash smiled, "Celestia is fricken awesome." The rest of the drunk ponies just stared in shock at the sight.
"I'm so sorry you girls had to see this," Celestia spoke softly, "but you must leave me be and help Cadence and Luna, for they are still in battle with our kingdom's greatest foes."
"Ok Princess," Twilight slowly backed out of the room, "you should probably seek medical attention for that leg though." Twilight closed Celestia's door, stating, "we didn't see anything," to her friends. The six drunk ponies stumbled down the hallway to Cadence's room.
Rainbow Dash was first through the door, "ah ha Chrysalis, it's time for a brawl!" She stopped to see Cadence braiding Chrysalis' mane and was absolutely confused. "Umm Twilight you might want to come take a look at this," Dash frowned.
"What the tartarus happened?" Twilight exclaimed as she stared at her former baby sitter.
"Hadrian's spell went off without a hitch and calmed my changelings and I enough to realize that love is abundant here and there is more than enough to feed off of with an agreement," Chrysalis grinned, "me and Miss Cadenza here have just worked out a truce and started braiding each other's manes."
"And Shining Armor is pretty much asleep over there," Cadence pointed to Twilight's brother, "Chrys here may have sucked out some of his love energy for dinner so yeah."
"But wait, Celestia defeated Solaris, you made peace with Chrysalis, then that leaves," Pinkie paused for a moment and considered, "wait does that leave T-Rock?"
"Who in tarnation is T-Rock?" Apple Jack questioned.
"No I'm thinking of the wrong generation," Pinkie Pie stated, "gee I wonder how my auntie Surprise is doing."
"Pinkie darling," Rarity stumbled forward, "that leaves the villain you like the most."
"Oh oh oh you mean the flying spaghetti monster?" Pinkie claimed.
"No dumbass she means Discord," Chrysalis chuckled as Pinkie's puffy mane deflated. All eyes suddenly turned to Chrysalis, angry glares surrounding her, "what I thought she was joking, I guess my sense of humor is just different. Aren't ponies supposed to accept differences?"
"You know what, we're gonna be back to beat your sorry flank later," Rainbow Dash sneered, "we have more important crap to do now."
"Oh manure," Apple Jack frowned as she felt a warm liquid begin to envelope her hooves, "Ah think Fluttershy done threw up again."
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"Damn thee to an eternal pit of fire!" Luna screamed at Discord as his magical laser beam grazed the side of her head, "thou art a putrid pock marked hoof licker, a mangled mumbling maggot monster, a greedy flea bitten lout."
"And thee dear Luna art nothing more than a figure head with zero power and a secret hatred for your superior sister," Discord sneered back, "such a fool to assume that thou could defeat me!"
"Hey Discord!" a voice shouted from behind the beast.
Discord looked around and discovered that the pony behind the voice was none other than Twilight Sparkle, along with all of her friends, wielding the elements. "Well aint this about a…" the beast began but was cut off by a sudden blast from the elements which turned him back into stone.
"Thou have saved me Twilight, perhaps I am appreciated," Luna smiled a massive smile, a single tear beginning to form below her brow.
"Princess, if we didn't love you then why else would we have helped you," Twilight smiled back.
"Well Miss Sparkle I suppose I am in a debt of gratitude to you and your friends once again," Luna bowed her head, "now leave me to contemplate the victory while your friends finish the job you have started so well." Luna watched with a smile as the six ponies returned her bow before leaving to finish their job. "So Discord, who's inferior now?" she laughed at the statue.
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After incapacitating several of the elites, Fancy Pants found the bomb placed in a very peculiar point on the mountain city's structure. "Damn it Filthy Rich if you don't give me the code to defuse this bomb I will smash your teeth in with this… surprisingly dent free skillet," Fancy Pants grinned at his still spotless (except for a few blood droplets) skillet before turning his gaze back to Filthy Rich.
The earth pony was stunned. "I promised my leader that I would never tell," he cringed as Fancy approached, "but it's 3..4..5..6… please don't hurt me any more."
"Wow this sounds like a combination Pinkie Pie would have used," Fancy Pants smiled as the lock worked, "I suppose I should listen to that pink menace more often."
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Hadrian remained too weak to do anything as he watched Canterlot begin to recover from the massive shock. "Hey cyclops it looks like you failed," Hadrian weakly teased, "you know that the eye patch just makes you look like a crappy knockoff of Slick Rick."
"Shut up you dread lock wearing buffoon," Illuminatus sneered as he kicked the incapacitated prince, "you and I both know that one day the super-rich will run this world just as they do every other world."
"Nope, sorry," Hadrian smiled even as he received another kick to the stomach.
"Of course we will, the rich rule every planet in every galaxy that is not super advanced or super primitive," Illuminatus screamed, "ponies are the exception, not the rule!"
"Yes but we remain an exception because greed is almost nonexistent here," Hadrian laughed, "even if you somehow manage to pull this off the ponies will reject you. They are not greedy, they will not accept bribes and live to hate each other, they only have love and tolerance. That is why our society thrives!"
"Shut up shut up shut up!" Illuminatus began to kick the prince profusely, "the new pony order will rise and you and your entire family can all just…"
A loud pang noise was heard as Illuminatus fell to the ground. Fancy Pants stood behind the unconscious stallion with a huge grin on his face, marveling his skillet. "Good Faust I simply must find whoever makes these and thank them profusely," he chuckled, "still not a scratch on the darn thing."
"Well Fancy it looks like once again you are the secret hero behind it all," Hadrian grinned as the older stallion untied him, "are you sure that you don't want any statues or anything because I swear you have saved Equestria almost as many times as the Elements of Harmony have."
"Think nothing of it," Fancy Pants smiled, "these idiots were easier to fight than any foe I have ever remembered, and of course it was a group effort. If anything you deserve the praise for stopping that mob, and the changelings with your stoner spell. All it took to find the bomb and save you was this skillet."
"Let's just let Twilight Sparkle and her friends have the glory per usual," Hadrian claimed, "it's probably better for us to just assume a minor background role and let the real heroes have another moment in the sun."
"Indeed," Fancy Pants smiled as he pulled a blunt out of his pocket, "care to partake old friend?"
"Abso-buckin-lutely," Hadrian grabbed the herbal cigar and took a long drag, "I have been waiting a whole hour to hear someone ask that."
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"So Hadrian broke the spell, all of the villains have been vanquished, and that Illuminatus guy is tied up to the statue of Discord for ponies to throw their trash at?" Pinkie summed up the entire evening in one question, "doesn't this mean we should get back to the party?!" The rest of her friends just groaned at the suggestion.
"Pinkie has the right idea," Celestia limped out, carrying Hadrian's bong, "we should just enjoy tonight and then tomorrow have a nice ceremony for our heroes. ALL of our heroes."
"Mom, if you celebrate the fact that I did exactly what my cutie mark is for then I promise I will not show up," Hadrian exclaimed as he and Fancy Pants returned to the castle pavilion, "I couldn't have done anything without Fancy Pants anyway."
"And I could have not done a thing without the elements so how about Twilight, Pinkie, AJ, Dash, Fluttershy, and my beloved Rarity just take the credit again and let the rest of us have our peace," Fancy Pants claimed, "besides all of that skull bashing has made me sleepy." The rest of the ponies just laughed, because once again Equestria had averted a crisis.