So here I am. At the Canterlot zoo. I guess you could say that I’m an employee of sorts. I don’t get paid, but I do get free food and board.
On the down side, I have almost no privacy and I’m watched by creatures of all shapes, sizes, and ages.
I’m not only the zoo’s main attraction, but I’m also listed as a critically endangered species. Why is this? Because I’m not just the only female human, but also the only human on the entire planet.
Here’s my story so far.
After waking up in someplace called Manehatten (get it, horse pun) I was quickly subdued by guards and brought to a place called Canterlot. After telling the Princesses and various nobles from different countries, they all decided that I should be protected because of how my species is basically considered extinct. Think of what they could learn from me, especially if they just leave me in a cage.
Now who would keep little young me? Well, Princess Sunny, I know that’s not her real name but I forgot it, decided that she herself would keep me. Of course, there was a huge fuss from the other nobles until Sunbutt said that if they didn’t do as she said, she would melt their countries. Say what you will about the mare, but she gets shit done.
I guess she was interested in that magic bag I had. Sorry, did I forget to mention that I found a magic bag?
Well, I found a magic bag before their guards caught me in Manehatten. By magic bag, I mean anytime I need something I just reach in and can pull it out. Kind of like Felix the cat’s, except it doesn’t change shape. So I guess it’s more like Mary Poppins’ bag than Felix’s who’s changes shape when he looks at it.
After claiming me, she tried to take my bag but whenever something got my bag at least 2 feet away from me, it would disappear then reappear next to me. She was super interested in the thing, said something about it having the potential to protect her subjects from utter disaster. Or some other thing like disease. I wasn’t listening.
Then she tried to force me to explain how it worked so she or her scientists could duplicate it. I, of course, didn’t know. It’s magic, that’s all I can say about it.
Partway through her interrogation she was interrupted by a huge protest. Apparently, by holding such a rare species such as myself to herself was decidedly unfair. At least her subjects thought so. Their animal preservation society, or whatever it’s called, said that I should be placed in a more natural habitat with a strict diet.
They said they wanted to protect me until a male could be found so we could start repopulating. Fat chance that will ever happen. To be double sure that the species survives, a spell was put on me that causes me to age at one eighth of what’s normal.
Next, I was stripped of my clothes and studied. Very humiliating by the way. Even my waist length hair was cut for samples. Something about it being silky smooth and as gold as a bit. Now it barely reaches my shoulders.
I was always getting comments from jealous mares about my breasts. Usually calling them udders. Or how they’re placed weird. The stallions on the other hand, didn’t seem to mind, they actually seemed very interested in them. Considering that there is a new stallion every hour or so coming in to measure them with his hooves.
These ponies do science weird. But I endure, because I’m in their country so I should be following their rules.
After all these tests they concluded that I was an omnivorous monkey. That was a huge insult, to me at least. I’m not a monkey. I’m an ape. Despite what my older brother says, I have never had a tail.
So began their diet program and natural habitat. They set me up in Canterlot zoo with a pen larger than the lions. Suck it, now I’m the king of the jungle … queen of the jungle. They put some trees, climbable rocks, a waterfall, a pond, and grass area. There was even a somewhat deep cave. A cave that made growling noises whenever I got near it.
It would be cool if they would have given me my clothes back. But no, they needed to be studied FOR SCIENCE. To be fair, I don’t think they have polyester, which is mostly what my clothes are made of.
Before my exhibit opened, I got a visit from Sunbutt. “I can make this all stop. I can set you up with a nice big house and a government pension. Never have to work a day in your life. All you have to do is tell me how the bag works.” She then points to the bag with her hoof.
“I would tell you if I knew. I found it just before you found me.” I stated.
She snorts and a look of anger flashes across her face. “Then have it your way. I didn’t even want to know in the first place.” Was her response. She flies away, but I know she’ll be back. She can’t resist the bag.
The day the exhibit opened, my area was packed. Ponies, Zebras, Minotaurs, Changelings, Yaks, Horses, Griffins, Buffalo, Cows, and Breezies. All with their children and elders, wanting to see the new and extremely rare Human. The only one of its kind.
At least, that’s what they came for not what they were getting. The night before I had pulled bricks, wood, tools, and cement from the bag and built a small house. It even had a bed in it. Even a working toilet and television. While they were trying to get a good look at well … my goods, I was sound asleep.
You might be wondering why I don’t just get clothing out of my magic bag. My answer is, I don’t know. For some reason I can’t seem to get clothing to come out of the bag. I can get anything, as long as it’s something I can physically carry on its own, but clothing.
The only time I came out was when they brought over breakfast, which I promptly threw at the stallion. He brought me lettuce and crickets. Those brief seconds I was out of the house, there were thousands of flashes from camera bulbs and cheering.
After digging through my bag, I managed to get a steak with some mashed potatoes and gravy. With it, I got a strawberry milkshake as well. Pretty good breakfast if I do say so myself.
Unfortunately for me, in the middle of my meal the door to my little shack was broken down. In came some zoo keepers, a few mares and a stallion, who dragged me out and threw me at a tree.
The bastards started to deconstruct my house, to which I smacked one of the mares across the tit.
That got the point across but that didn’t stop them from putting a spell on the door which prohibits me from entering until closing time. Now during the day, I just sit under a tree covering myself with my bag.
I wait until someone either rescues me or I decide to kill myself. I guess it’s not all bad though, I do make other people happy. Then again, this isn’t a very happy life for me.
I do get some protection from things, like when some snot nosed pink tiara wearing brat threw a rock at me. Which hit me right on my cheek. I was not only able to throw one back, and hit her square in the nose, but also get her a lifetime ban from the zoo.
That’s power, I guess.
There have been groups who sneak in and try to either steal me or do whatever with me. When they try to do ‘whatever’ I usually call guards and they’re arrested. When they try to steal me though, I usually just let them. Unfortunately, they always get caught.
There was an activist group that tried to come in and “steal my eggs.” Apparently, they thought I laid eggs. They also thought that if they could get their paws on them, they could figure out a way to make more humans.
One brief explanation later, and they tied me down and tried to cut them out of me. Or scoop it out, I wasn’t too sure. Thankfully a guard came by and spotted one grabbing some water from my pond. Doubly lucky for me, it was a female guard. Last time a male guard caught me in a compromising position he nipped my butt.
There were other activists, some trying to kill me for being an “abomination.” Some giving me food and coming in to just talk and learn about where I came from.
At the end of my first year being a zoo attraction I gotta say, it’s been eventful. Even after a year, there are still so many tourists wanting to see me. And every time they see the same thing. Just me sitting under a tree hugging my knees, and occasionally picking at my toes. Sometimes I kick my legs in the air and whistle.
Though after a year, my hair was getting long again. So I guess that’s something new for them. I of course take care of all my other shavings in my house at night.
Today, marking my exhibits one-year opening, Princess Sunbutt arrived. After the closing of the zoo, she came to me and said. “Tired of having others gawk at you? I would like to present the same offer I presented last year. Tell me how the bag works, and I’ll get you out. Think about it. So much good can be done. I’ll even throw in my student Twilight. She’s an adorable little alicorn that I know you’ll love.”
I tell her a similar thing as to what I said before. “I don’t know how it works. There is no magic where I come from. This is as strange to you as it is to me.”
“Fine. Just to let you know, I’m a very patient mare. I’ve waited thousands of years for events to occur before. I can wait until this breaks you, then I’ll have what I want.” She looked towards my house. “Where did that come from?” Her wings extended to their full length.
“I built it.”
“From what? You weren’t given any of these things.” She then looks to my bag. “Oh.” Her head and wings fall.
She flies not even ten feet before shooting my house with a giant laser. It had no effect which seemed to cause the princess to get very angry and shout some sort of obscenity that the ponies around her gasped at but I couldn’t hear. There was even a few mares giving her a stink eye while covering their foals ears. Their foals though, they were smiling with the largest grins. I guess for them it’s like listening to your teacher swear.
My life in the zoo went on as usual. Until I got the bright idea to look for an instruction manual to my bag. As it turns out, it was easy to find.
I learned all the ins and outs of the bag, even the material it was made of. I also learned the spell. I couldn’t perform it, but I knew it.
I’ll be ready for the next time sunny decides to drop in.
When she did drop by, I told her everything I knew.
“And that’s everything I need to know?”
“If you knew all of this, why not tell me before? Why keep this information when I made it clear on what you should have done?”
“Because I didn’t know. I reached in after our last meeting and pulled out an instruction manual on this. When do I get to move into my new house and leave this zoo? And when do I get my Twilight?”
“Never. I’m going to be completely honest right now. I never got you a house or land. I was just saying all of those thing so you would tell me what I wanted. You’ll spend the rest of your life here. I’ll be living a life of luxury in my castle and you’ll be just a freak in a cage. That’s why you don’t mess with the sun. Tata.” She flew off.
The jokes on her though. Everything I told her was a lie. I knew I couldn’t trust her unless she brought some legal documents and I had witnesses.
That was about a month ago.
That’s my story up until today. I’m still waiting for Sunbutt to come back. If she doesn’t come back within ten minutes, I’ll be long gone.
You might not have known this, but while I was busy telling you this story, I was climbing out of my encampment with a grappling hook that I was finally able to get out of my bag. It’s a dark night with a new moon. I wouldn’t have expected you to see me.
I’m already out of course, just getting to my feet.
“Ah, speak of the devil and she appears.” I say as I notice that Sunbutt has returned, and with armed guards too. There’s another alicorn with her. A dark blue one.
They all land in front of me making a large amount of dusts to be sent into my face.
“You lied to me. I’m not happy my little human. I am not happy.”
“I’m about so-and-so right now. But what’s got your tits in a tangle Sunny?”
Her cheeks redden at this. “EXCUSE ME?! WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! SUNNY?!” Sunbutt shouted while her guards look shocked. The other alicorn though, she’s smiling and silently laughing behind her hoof.
“I was simply asking why your mad. And yes, Sunny, I forgot your name.”
She stomps her hoof on the ground. “How dare you insult my teats and forget my name. I am the ruler of this country. I AM PRINCESS CELESTIA, GODDESS OF THE SUN!”
“Well I didn’t vote for ya.”
“YOU DON’T VOTE FOR A PRINCESS!” Her voice is getting more shrill by the word. “THEY ARE BORN INTO IT! THIS BEHAVIOR IS UNACCEPTABLE!”
Ech, with the way she’s screaming is reminding me of Lemongrab from Adventure Time.
“Well, I’m American. We fought for our right to vote for corrupt politicians who force their religious beliefs on us and blatantly lie to our faces. Because of my American genetics, I’ve been able to fire a gun since I was in the womb. I drive big trucks, smoke cigarettes, and drink beer at the same time. I EAT STEAK AND EGGS FOR BREAKFAST AND WASH IT DOWN WITH A COOL GLASS OF FREEDOM!” Que the Star-Spangled Banner and an American flag with a Bald Eagle flying behind me.
After a couple seconds I look around to see that Celestia is hyperventilating and the guards rushed over to help her. I guess no one heard me or the music.
After taking some deep breathes, the princess was much calmer.
“Why did you go on a tirade about your people?” So she was listening.
“Well, you were screaming nonsense and I decided I wanted to do that too. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m leaving.” I say as I walk past her.
Celestia puts her wing up in front of me.
“Not so fast. You lied to me.”
“As I recall, you did the same to me. I know the truth behind this bag. I won’t give it to you until you have a legal document made and we both sign it in front of many witnesses. Understand?”
Celestia looks both deep in thought and seething with anger.
“I understand. Tomorrow in the afternoon I will have a contract written up for us to sign.”
“It has to be in English and I have a say in what’s written. Otherwise the deal is off.”
“Fine. I’ll have lawyers there as well, in case the words used are too big for your little brain.”
“Isn’t that an insult to yourself? I managed to trick you, yet you claim that I have an unintelligible little brain. If both are true, then that means your dumber than me.”
She now looks livid. She flies away with her guards off into the night.
I climb back down into my pen and walk into my house.
I quickly use the lady’s room and walk to my bed. Quickly getting under my covers. Before I fall asleep, I look towards my dream catcher to make sure that it’s still in its pristine condition. It leaves me with a smile on my face. I know that tonight I won’t have her snooping around in my dreams again.
I slowly start drifting off to sleep, thinking about how tomorrow I’ll finally be free.