//------------------------------// // Chapter 2 // Story: Hadrian the Pothead Prince // by Pootie D. Trillist //------------------------------// Ponyville Celestia awoke to the sound of bubbles, loud bubbles coming from somewhere in her castle. Her first thought was that only a couple of days after Hadrian had left, he returned without telling her and was now smoking in his bedroom. She jumped from her bed and ran down the corridor screaming, "Hadrian you better have a damn good reason for this," but was stopped by Luna who opened up her door. "Hello thyne stupid stupid head, looking for the son whom thou hath unloaded upon thyne friends like 2 days ago," Luna giggled as she stared at Celestia who had stopped where she was and looked like she was about to cry. "Oh just the horrid smell, that awful gurgling, it all reminds me of my wonderful son who I got rid of at the first sign of trouble," Celestia's anger had subsided leaving her with a single tear sliding down her face, "it's weird because I never thought I could love something so much and at the same time want to strangle it." "Thy face is weird," Luna giggled at her own comment. "What?" Celestia asked, confused by her sister's sudden dumb comment. "DONKEY BUTT!" Luna laughed, "Oh I should have wrote that comeback down." "Seriously Luna I'm worried about Hadrian," Celestia stated as her sister dumbfoundedly stared deep into her eyes. "Pssssh his biggest concern is how to keep all of the eligible mares in that dumpy little town away from him so he can MeDaTate ooooh sooo important," Luna scoffed, "that buckers worst case scenario would be if somehow every rich pony in Equestria was secretly aligned against you and killed him, which isn't going to happen." "Oh thank Discord the drunk sibling almost gave us away, continue your surveillance spy," the cult leader stated into the headset of a servant standing in the hallway. "Luna how much did you drink tonight?" Celestia questioned her stumbling sister. "Enough to deal with thyne ugly face," Luna laughed at her own joke again, "but in all seriousness we art no more drunk than any other Tuesday, in fact less than usual, just wowee this herb Hadrian left for us beith amazing, never before hath my mind felt so free." "Really, and he's not here," Celestia looked at her sister, "lock that door and make sure no one snaps any candid photographs while we are in here, I could use a nice smoke right now." ======= Hadrian heard the pony coming in the distance and floated down from his meditation, leaving Zecora perfectly balanced on top of her staff as he quietly walked towards the door of the little hut. The previous day he had gotten settled in her home, unpacking his things while the zebra (who was slightly younger and more attractive than her sister) just sat and talked to him. Deep conversation, with a lot of rhyming because what kind of enchantress doesn't rhyme? But they had spent any part of the day not spent on words, and the entire night in their respective meditation poses, unaware of time or place while they silently kept their minds clear. He walked outside and saw Twilight Sparkle approaching him with her usual look of disgust on her face. "Is everything going ok?" she asked and then answered before he could respond, "ok my daily check in is complete see ya." She turned to walk away only to feel one of his hooves reach out and gently touch her shoulder. "KEEP YOUR BUCKING HOOVES OFF ME!" she screamed. Zecora slammed to the floor inside her hut, rhyming curses as all of her things fell around her and broke. She shouted to whomever would listen, "YOU OUT THERE HAVE LEFT ME PARALIZED, IM NOT EVEN TRYING TO RHYME RIGHT NOW JUST GET ME TO A DAMN HOSPITAL!" "Well I guess Zecora is done meditating," Hadrian smirked as Twilight looked around nervously, "but I was just going to ask if I could meet some of your friends today, I really enjoyed Rarity and she said some lovely things about the other elements." "No because now you have to get Zecora to a hospital," Twilight stated as she bit her lip, nervously hoping Zecora was ok. "She will be completely fine, her neck is stronger than any pony's I have ever met," he stated casually, "but yeah I would like to meet the one who you said is like Rarity after herb, without any herb. I believe you said her name was Pinkie or something?" "Yes Pinkie, she is the one who plans parties for a living and works in a bakery when she's not," Twilight explained, "apparently she makes more bits than any of my other friends, but spends most of it on more parties for us." "Well if you introduce me and her I will not tell Zecora that you are the one who ruined her meditation today," Hadrian chuckled. "DO I GO TOWARDS OR AWAY FROM THE LIGHT?" Zecora shouted to anypony nearby, "WILL I LIVE TO SEE TONIGHT?" "What a drama queen," Twilight Sparkle mused briefly smiling before she turned back to the prince and readjusted her look back to that of a scowl, "and I will only take you to meet Pinky because your mom would want me to." The pair walked away as Zecora continued to cry out for help, "OH MY THIS ISNT GOOD, I FEEL ALL CHOPPED UP LIKE WOOD." But we will just leave her there for the sake of time, she's ok I promise. "NO I AM NOT THIS REALLY SUCKS, WHY DONT YOU EVEN GIVE A FUCK?" ======= Twilight remained quiet even as Hadrian continued to try and strike up friendly conversation. They walked down a path in the Everfree forest, which had an unusual warning for bandits in the area, a warning which Twilight completely disregarded. "You know that said 'warning bandits ahead' right?" Hadrian asked as Twilight kept walking. "And?" Twilight questioned, "I am a powerful unicorn with amazing talents and you are the son of the most powerful being on earth, I think we can handle a couple bandits." "Ok but I was really trying to not harm anypony on this good will mission," Hadrian stated, "you will have to fight them on your own." "Fine, like I need a pothead's help anyway," Twilight scoffed as the pair ventured into an extremely dark part of the woods. They made it down the path until the overly expected happened and a group of a dozen genuine bandits jumped out of the trees, their leader making herself quite clear from the beginning. "Sparkle you foal your over confidence led you right into our trap, in fact I cannot believe it worked," shouted the blue unicorn, "the Great and Powerful Trixie wishes to confront you one on one in a combination of Zeb-fu and magical dueling, something the Great and Powerful Trixie learned from a great warrior as a filly. Prepare to die while my army of unicorn assassins takes out your boyfriend." "Trixie I have been waiting for this ever since you almost destroyed Ponyville," Twilight sneered, "I will take out you and all of your assassins…." "With my help," Hadrian explained, "Mom says your family so I will let you deal with Trixie and I can take these clowns." At that the unicorn ninjas attacked, swarming all at once on the pair. Hadrian unleashed an electromagnetic pulse, sending every pony including Twilight Sparkle flying. He leapt up and quickly pulled out a blunt, lighting it with his magic and smoking it before Twilight could even turn around and give a nasty look. He leapt at three of the assassins who got up first and knocked them back on the ground with well-placed kicks. The remaining nine came next, getting up only to get smacked in their faces by Hadrian's strong hooves with speed the likes of which none of them had ever seen before. Trixie attempted to electrocute Twilight with her thunder attack, but the bolt of lightning was close enough to singe the end of Twilight's Mane. Twilight launched three fire balls and a pulse, only for Trixie to jump through the air and land a kick to Twilight's chest. Twilight caught Trixie's hoof and twisted, sending her flying into the ground. "Wait!" called out Hadrian as his horn turned green, "don't hurt Trixie, it's a spell!" The green glow came off of his horn and began to envelope every pony except for Twilight in the same green energy. Their eyes all turned from darkened hateful stares to glazed over glances and the anger in them made way to giggles and talk of baked goods. "The chaos spell is largely unknown but one cure is herb." "Wowee this feels like college," stated the now Great and High Trixie, "I don't know why I was so intent on doing damage, I was back in Ponyville last week to see about learning a few things from Sparkle and end up kicking her flank instead. I'm so so sorry and I really want something to drink right now hehehe the cotton mouth is setting in." The hooded assassins took off their cloaks, revealing that it was just unicorns from Ponyville, some of whom were Twilight's friends. They offered to buy the Prince snacks but he declined, mentioning that he lost his appetite after the green spell. The unicorns walked back to town with grins on their faces, gladly ready to give back anything they had stolen. "But how did you do that, they went from evil to smiles in 20 seconds flat," the stunned Twilight asked as she watched the group walk away. "It took all of my buzz and almost all of my herb," Hadrian stated, "but worth it to help them overcome the Cupiditas et Maledicam Chaos, a spell so old it is believed to have been around longer than ponies have. I could tell by their dark angry eyes, a strong curse has been unleashed upon Equestria, and the only cure is weed, which by the way I am almost out of." "So they were saved from greed and anger by getting stoned?" Twilight scoffed, "that's absurd, it's impossible, it actually works." "Perhaps now you will partake in some for yourself?" Hadrian stated as he sparked up another blunt, one of only two he had left. "Not a chance," stated Twilight as she began to let down her guard and crack a smile, "but I do owe you for helping me back there." "Pay it forward," Hadrian stated as he grinned back at her. ======= Outside of Sugarcube Corner, Hadrian and Twilight were speaking of things only a pony with their snout in a book most of the time could comprehend when the strangest thing happened, Hadrian met two of his supporters. "Oh look dear it's him," Mrs. Cake called out to her husband as she opened up the door to the sweet shop, "the pothead prince has blessed out little shop with his presence, bring out the kush." "Of course honey bun, this really is an amazing surprise," Mr. Cake called out with glee. "Well don't just stand there come on in, munchies are on us," Mrs. Cake laughed as the Prince stared at the unexpected welcome. The pair made their way into the sweet shop and Mr. Cake locked the door. "Twilight why don't you wait in the back with Pinkie Pie dear," Mr. Cake suggested to the purple unicorn, "she has been wanting to see you all morning." "But I already know what you ponies are going to do and it's ok with me," Twilight stated as any doubts about her abilities to love and tolerate disappeared, "in fact I want to see if that crap makes Pinkie normal." "Normal Urkle," Pinkie Pie shouted as she bounced out from the back room and began to bounce around her employers. She stopped for a moment and giggled, "I love messing with you ponies, you take everything I do so seriously." She had even said the 'so seriously' part in a serious manner, making Hadrian chuckle as the rest of the ponies just shook their heads. "Wow you seem to be the most silly pony I have ever seen in my entire 19 years of existence," Hadrian stated, "would you like to smoke herbs with us?" "Okie Dokie Lokie," Pinkie stated as she began to bounce again, "but let me get a few cookies first, I baked 302 and we only needed 284, it was the best accident ever!" "Pinkie you really do eat a lot of the inventory," Mrs. Cake commented, "I can't believe you are skinnier than me." "Honey Buns you just had twins 2 months ago," Mr. Cake said, "and you look better with some weight on your frame anyway." "He thinks you're a fatty chunky pants Mrs. Cake, are you going to take that from him?" Pinkie asked after swallowing several whole cookies. "Hang on before anypony starts to fight here is a blunt," Hadrian stated as he light up the last of his weed, "let's get high first and then worry about the bull pies later." And with that smoke fest began, the Cakes brought out a bong and filled it with their best kush, while Hadrian's last blunt of Canterlot Chronic was passed around with it. The room filled up with smoke so thick that no pony could see their hooves if they held them up in front of their face. Even Twilight Sparkle had become high by this point, the second hand smoke finally getting to her as she began to giggle and munch on some of the sweets the Cakes had given Hadrian. Two hours later when all was said and done, Pinkie Pie's hair had almost deflated, not completely flat at this point but a few waves and curls that were left made Pinkie look stunning, almost like Rarity. "Oh that was good," Pinkie said as she got up from her seat, "we will have to do this again quite soon." "Did she just become normal?" Hadrian asked as the cakes seemed too high to respond. "Oh yeah, Pinkie is random when she's sober and always has the munchies," Twilight concluded, "so maybe when she's high she's normal." "It's not like I am insane or anything," Pinkie smiled at Twilight, "I don't understand how you could know me for a year and still not really know me. Its ok, I'm sure there are more things I have yet to learn about you." "You mean like the time she went crazy from stress and almost killed everypony in town?" Mr. Cake giggled as he spoke, "or that time she tried to help in Winter Wrap-up and almost killed everypony in the process. Or that one time when…" "Ok that's enough," if ponies could blush Twilight's face would have been bright red. "Well if anything you are kind of the crazy one," Mr. Cake snickered, "the quiet studious ones are usually the ones who become serial killers." "Like the babies are upstairs and you haven't checked on them in the past 2 hours," Mrs. Cake brought up, "maybe check on the damn twins so they don't end up being serial killers too." "That's me lucky charms," Twilight giggled as she spoke, "I killed some frosted oatflakes this morning too, and a bagel ooooooh cereal killer." "I think somepony has finally came around," Hadrian smiled, "I just wish I knew where to get some more for later." "That's easy silly head," Pinkie stated with pride, "just find Big Macintosh and he will help you, the password is…." She paused a moment before continuing in a very soft voice, "cranberries." "I'm just glad it isn't apples," Twilight smirked, "those ponies are obsessed with apples like every single family member is named after an apple, their last name is apple, and and and seriously who names their filly Apple Jack Apple?" "True," Pinkie mused, "it is quite strange after all, having the same first and last name like that." "The 3rd zebra king of the Hooves Dynasty was named Xavier Xenith Xavier," Hadrian spoke softly, "and he did a pretty good job." "Oh look at me I am royalty and I am super smart and a pompous asshole," Twilight began to imitate Hadrian badly, "I know more about Zebras than I do about mares, and I smoke so much herb there's only two brain cells left in my head total." "Oh how droll," Pinkie giggled at the comment, "Twilight you are such a silly pony sometimes, but my work is calling and I have a huge order to fill this afternoon. If you want to stop by tonight I am having a party for Rainbow Dash and she would be thrilled if both of you came." "It better not be here, last time you used sugar cube corner as your party venue the whole place was buckin trashed," Mrs. Cake laughed, "We couldn't pay you for three weeks because of the damages." Pinkie just groaned and made her way back to the kitchen. ======= The two stoners walked through town towards Sweet Apple Acres, Twilight giggling and chitchatting as she went. They received a variety of dirty looks from the ponies in town as they strolled, but it didn't bother them much as they enjoyed the rare warm winter day. "This is totally going to ruin my reputation as the goody four hooves librarian around here," Twilight giggled as she walked with Hadrian, "I'm so bucking high off of the fumes from in there that I can't stop thinking how cool everything I see is." "How does this affect your reputation?" Hadrian questioned, "even though the ponies are giving us dirty looks I don't think they can tell that you have smoked." "Yes they can, did you see that cloud that came out of Sugar Cube Corner when we left," Twilight mused, "it was EPIC." "Hey I personally didn't care to look," Hadrian responded, "that stuff they had was the only time anyone has ever had better stuff than me, except my first time of course." "Hahaha how old were you 6," Twilight laughed, "you smoke like a chimney." "Actually 7," Hadrian stared at Twilight as she continued to giggle at him, "I realize what they say about brain cells but Zebras start at a young age." "Hey you!" shouted a brown earthen with a light British accent whose eyes seemed dark and distant, "you seem like an idiot in the paper, and ever since you showed up ponies have been going crazy!" "Yeah he's right, my girlfriend got mugged yesterday," screamed a caramel colored earthen with the same eyes, "everything has gone straight to hell ever since this bastard prince showed up. Ponies have been greedy and violent for no reason, and I just feel this intense urge to scapegoat this phony prince for it." The ponies in the crowd all nodded their heads in agreement, their eyes growing darker as the Cupiditas et Maledicam Chaos took over their souls. Hadrian looked in his bag and realized that there was no more herb left to help the ponies. He assumed a zebra style battle stance and screamed over the crowd, "Twilight get the buck out of here and save yourself!" "No Hadrian, you seem to forget that I always have an ace in the hole," Twilight shouted, moving closer to the prince and taking up her own battle position. "HEY PINKIE PIE WE NEED A WEED SONG NOW!" she screamed hoping the pink earthen would somehow come to her rescue. "Like that's going to work," Hadrian sneered as he faced down the eyes of his first competitor, "there is no way Pinkie can get here all the………" Suddenly out of nowhere Pinkie Pie popped up in the middle of the crowd, dressed like a one pony band, and began to sing to her fellow ponies" "Hey there ponies listen up good Cuz I got here as fast as I could My lungs aren't as good as they used to be I waste them up on T H C So 1…….2…….3…….oh get on your shoes and follow me 4…….5…….6…….7 my herbs so good it will take you to heaven 8…….9……10…….oh we'll get the munchies and smoke again 11……. Skip to 19 comes be 420…" The crowd seemed to turn their anger to the pink pony, her song doing absolutely nothing except drawing their attention away from Twilight and Hadrian. "Hey Cakes, plan B they don't have any of their own!" Pinkie screamed before returning to singing. The Cake couple ran out with a giant vaporizer the size of a small house. Pinkie lit a match and set the thing in motion, watching as two pounds of herb was vaporized, and never missing a beat in her song. "you might think I'm crazy, maybe even weird but when you smoke, or take a toke, there's nothing to be feared all my ponies with me, you know that I'm your friend but today, I'm here to say, I'll smoke herb til the end there is no anger, your days are filled with bliss smoke some with me and you will see not indulging is a miss. I love smoking lots of chronic, dro and kush as well every day is heavenly even if you're stuck in hell there is no paranoia, my life is filled with glee and now I see you joined us, free cupcakes for all I see?" By the time Pinkie said the last line, a giant cloud of THC had dissented upon Ponyville, the ponies' eyes all became bright and cheery (albeit much more squinty and glazed over). They all began to cheer out in joy at the mentioning of the last line and joined in singing the chorus once more with Pinkie Pie. "So 1…….2…….3 roll up your blunts and follow me 4…….5…….6…….7 this herb's so good it will take you to heaven 8…….9……10…..oh we'll get the munchies and smoke again 11……. Skip to 19 comes be 420…" Hadrian stared dumbfounded at the crowd of ponies who continued to sing about weed as they followed Pinkie Pie back to the Cakes' sweet shop for the free cupcakes she had promised to them. "Well I'll be a son of a donkey," he stated as Twilight just giggled at him. "I refuse to pay any child support until you show me DNA test results!" shouted Cranky Doodle Donkey as he walked by with a blunt hanging out of his mouth. "Doodle you old fool it's an expression," his mare chided, "how many ponies did you sleep with in your travels anyway?" ======= "I can't believe the Cakes said I owe them thirty five hundred bits," Hadrian stated solemnly as he kicked a rock, "how will I ever afford a pound of premium kush when all I brought with me was five thousand." "These are the Apples you are talking about," Twilight giggled in response, "if anypony in all of Equestria will sell you this koosh stuff for cheap, their last name is probably Apple." "Well I guess we will just have to find out when we get there," Hadrian stated, keeping his head down as he walked. "I really can't believe that the whole Pinkie Pie song thing just worked that well, in my expert opinion that was a situation in which I would have normally just fought my way out of. How did she manage such a peaceful resolution so quickly?" "That was probably the worst song I have ever heard her sing," Twilight chortled at the perturbed and sober looking Hadrian, "in fact she must have made it up completely on the spot and it would have never worked if she didn't have the Cakes as backup. Oh and also I have been totally stoned this whole time, you finally converted me to this stoner lifestyle." With that Hadrian smiled and lifted up his head, placing it gently on top of Twilight's shoulder in a hug. She responded by talking more, but Hadrian didn't care, he had succeeded in making Twilight Sparkle into a pothead. "Gosh I hope your mom never finds out about this," Twilight laughed as they continued walking.