One day, while the CMC were hanging out in the clubhouse, Sweetie Belle had a thought.
Not that this was unusual, of course. Sweetie Belle was the sort of pony who was inclined toward the action of thinking, but this was a rather unexpected thought. Unexpected, because quite frankly it should have come to mind ages ago.
“How many kinds of ghouls are there?” asked Sweetie Belle.
Apple Bloom and Scootaloo looked at her in confusion.
“I mean, we know Apple Bloom’s a class G, and that those ghouls trying to free the smooze were mostly class C’s, but there’s got to be more than that, right?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Well, yeah, but don’t you already know? You’re the bookworm here,” said Scootaloo.
“Well, sorry if I never felt the need to read books about dark magic before I learned Apple Bloom was a ghoul. And when I did, I could only get my hooves on a basic outline. Most books on dark magic are restricted, you know,” answered Sweetie Belle.
“Well, Ah can fix that. Ah still got a few books on ghouls in mah room, if you’re interested. Even got a copy of the Royal Dark Art Monster Manual, complete with a section on every class of ghoul there is,” said Apple Bloom.
Apple Bloom’s friends stared at her.
“Uh… I’d be interested yes, but isn’t that the sort of book you’d need government approval to even look at, let alone own?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Ah’m a registered ghoul. Making sure ponies like me know how to keep our curses in check is one of the things the Dark Magic Department was made to do. And I’m allowed to share it with ponies Ah trust, as long as Ah watch to make sure ya don’t try and run off with it,” answered Apple Bloom.
“Oh. OK then, yeah. Let’s read about ghouls,” said Sweetie Belle.
Class A: Ashen Ghouls
A recently discovered class of ghouls born from cremated ashes, though the nature of their creation is still unknown. Recognized by their ash-like composition, they have the ability to reform this ash into anything they set their mind to. While still capable of magic, a class A’s curse is only really dangerous as a choking hazard.
Non-contagious, though more research is still needed to determine their creation process. No known cure.
Class B: Brain Ghouls
Also known as super-zombies, class B’s are animated corpses that have managed to regain, or simply retain, their thinking minds. Unfortunately, in order to keep their minds, they must constantly replenish their decaying brain cells. This constant struggle for self preservation often manifests itself as a deep, constant hunger for brains.
Only contagious if the ghoul makes direct contact with the brain. This spreads the rotting infection, even if the brain isn’t eaten. No known cure.
“Wait… didn’t you girls say ghouls don’t eat brains?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Well, most don’t. And class B’s are only technically ghouls because they’re too smart to be labeled zombies and in most cases still have their souls,” said Scootaloo with a shrug.
“So… you’re saying that they're just talking zombies?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Yep,” said Apple Bloom with a nod.
“And to be fair, most zombies don’t actually do that whole ‘eat brains’ thing. They’re just moving dead bodies, so it’s not like they have appetites or anything. That idea comes entirely from class B’s,” said Scootaloo.
“Huh. Interesting,” noted Sweetie Belle.
Class C: Catalyst Ghouls
A particularly nasty curse, Class C’s are the result of dark magic rituals gone wrong. Their bodies are flooded with twisted magic, which tends to result in dark, malicious thoughts and desires. They are known for their incredible regenerative abilities, making it practically impossible to kill them.
Non-contagious, but capable of reproduction. No known cure.
“Yikes,” said Sweetie Belle.
“Yeah, Class C’s are nasty. Especially since ya’d need to try to cast a dark spell and mess it up to even become one,” said Apple Bloom.
“Wait… mess up a dark spell? Does that mean these ghouls were first created when they freed the changelings?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Nah. Class C’s were around long before they tried that. And trust me, not a single one of the ghouls behind the orignal summoning lived long enough to have any kids,” said Scootaloo.
Scootaloo’s friends looked at her in concern.
“Look, they were scumbags trying to end the world. We were starving, half-crazy, and more than a little confused at the time. We didn’t mean to wipe them out after we were summoned, but we don’t regret it. And you shouldn’t feel bad about what happened to them, either,” said Scootaloo.
Class D: Drunken Ghouls
A somewhat comedic class of ghoul, class D’s are created upon dying from exposure to an alcoholic drink that is literally strong enough to wake the dead. Originally considered a form of zombie, they were relabeled ghouls once it was discovered that these ghouls almost always maintain their souls, and a very, very small amount of intelligence.
Somewhat contagious, can be spread from bites or similar exposure. Easily cured.
Class E: Epic Ghoul
These ghouls are known for their excessively flashy forms, as their dark magic is much greater than their bodies can contain. Burning eyes, glowing coats, manes that appear to be made of pure evil, all of these are common among class E’s. Of course, this does not mean all class E’s are evil, though the vast majority of them are.
Non-contagious. No known cure, but the dark magic involved can be forcefully removed in certain circumstances.
Class F: Frankenstein Ghouls
Named after the popular fiction novel, this class of ghoul refers to any form of undead that consists of multiple body parts from different lifeforms (not to be mistaken for chimeras, or similar hybrid species). Given how difficult it is to recreate the circumstances and magic involved in the few known instances of these ghouls, they are exceptionally rare.
Non-contagious. No possible cure.
Class G: Grudge Ghouls
Class G’s are the result of overwhelming hatred forcing a dead spirit to remain within it’s corpse. This hate manifests itself further by making the ghouls’ bodies appear to be burnt, even if the ghoul in question never felt that hatred themselves. This hate is also known to grant unusual abilities based on the ghoul’s tribe. They often gather in large groups, tied to other-worldly constructs that only manifest in the world in short intervals.
Highly contagious. The slightest contact is enough to spread their hate-fueled curse. No known cure.
Sweetie Belle looked at Apple Bloom in confusion.
“So… your curse is based on hatred?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Well, yeah. Ya remember the story of how Ah got cursed in the first place? That town was full of ponies who hated cutie marks so much that they murdered a filly who got one,” answered Apple Bloom.
“I dunno. I get the feeling that an angry mob might not be enough hate to raise the dead. You said the filly herself wasn’t part of the horde, right? Wouldn’t she be the source of all that hatred?” asked Sweetie Belle.
Apple Bloom scratched the back of her neck.
“Well… Ah guess? Ah mean, Ah know she was the one who led me to Sunnytown in the first place, but Ah don’t think she was responsible for it. There was that one ghoul who kept sayin’ it was some kind of punishment, but… Ah dunno,” said Apple Bloom.
“Well, we probably won’t get any answers until that darn village shows up again, so no point in debating it,” said Scootaloo with a shrug.
“Yeah, you’re right. Let’s move on,” said Sweetie Belle.
Class H: Healthy Ghouls
Class H’s are perhaps the single most fortunate class of ghoul there is. Their defining feature is that they have no apparent rot or dark magic involved. And yet, they definitely died, so they are technically a form of undead. There are many known causes of class H ghouls, though the most common is with the use of Phoenix Down.
Non-contagious. Unable to determine if curable due to lack of symptoms to cure.
Class I: Ironic Ghouls
Class I’s are the result of a spell created in an attempt to acquire immortality. Somehow, the ponies involved managed to give themselves every aspect of undeath, except for the longevity. They can shrug off decapitations, dismemberment, and anything else that would normally kill a pony, but once they reach the end of their mortal life spans the dark magic just leaves them. We’re still not sure why.
Somewhat contagious, can be spread through blood. Curable, though the process is rather complex.
Class L...
Sweetie Belle looked up from the book in confusion.
“Uh… why is there no class J or K?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Because there aren’t twenty six kinds of ghouls. The class system isn’t built around ‘which came first’ or ‘which is most powerful.’ It’s based on which letter of the alphabet matches the class’s nickname,” answered Scootaloo.
The room was silent for a moment as Sweetie Belle struggled with what she’d just heard.
“Seriously? That’s kind of dumb. Why the hay would that be the official classification system?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“No pony outside the Dark Magic Department knows. Word has it that one of the heads of the Department at the time was a vampire obsessed with numbers, and a roundabout method was needed to get him to do his job and not count the classes for hours on end, but I always thought that was even dumber that the alphabet sorting itself,” answered Scootaloo with a shrug.
“Now that ya mention it, Kamikazi brought it up in a letter once. She’s not entirely sure either, but she heard a rumor it was somethin’ about a vampire in a red suit who drove the entire Department crazy, so they just went with the alphabet thing to get him to shut up and go away,” added Apple Bloom.
Sweetie Belle blinked, lost for words. Not just from the ridiculousness of what she’d heard, but because apparently vampires were real. She really hoped they weren’t the sparkling kind.
“Look, the point is that the ghoul class system is weird, has a lot of holes in it, and nopony really knows why. And because even the ghouls themselves use the system, nopony feels like bothering to change it,” said Scootaloo.
Sweetie Belle let out a sigh, but accepted that there was no helping it.
Class L: Lung Ghoul
These ghouls are the result of the preserving dark magic being concentrated around the ghoul’s organs. While this form of spell craft grants class L’s the greatest resilience of all undead short of liches, the magic in their lungs causes their voices to be reduced to loud, scathing screeches. And not the magic-infused kind of screeches either.
Fairly Contagious, due to the nature of the dark magic. No known cure.
Class M: Mummies
A rather iconic form of ghoul, class M’s are, naturally, the result of dark magic infusing the bodies of dead lords and pharaohs who have been mummified. Why such beings felt the need to remain bound to the mortal plain to terrorize anyone who enters their tombs is unclear, but no one can debate that they are effective deterrents.
Highly Contagious, as class M’s tend to ensnare their victims. The original class M’s have no known cure, but “secondary” class M’s can be easily cured.
Class P: Puke Ghouls
Created from a rather unfortunate failed attempt to cure a plague, Class P’s get their name from the effects of combing dark magic and viral infection: their bodies produce bile at ludicrous amounts, rapidly outpacing the stomach’s ability to contain it. This results in horrible deformations and… well, you can probably guess what else from the name.
Highly contagious, as the condition is spread through viral infection. Curable, though the recovery process is rather lengthy and disgusting.
Class Q: Discord
Discord, the spirit of chaos. We’re not entirely sure why he wanted to be labeled as a class of ghoul (let alone any form of undead), or how he even made the request when he was imprisoned in stone, but we decided it wasn’t worth risking him messing with our coffee supply to deny him. And it’s not like we have any actual class Q ghouls to consider at this time.
Non-contagious, unless he feels like it (though we pray he never does). Unfortunately, there is no cure.
Class R: Rotten Ghouls
Class R’s are ghouls who have poor or non-existent means of magically preserving their bodies, causing their flesh to rot much more thoroughly than any other class. Aside for their ghastly appearance, it’s their distinctively awful smell that gives these ghouls their name.
Non-contagious, though they tend to carry other diseases with them. No known cure.
Class S: Sparkling Vampire...
“Wait, what?! Tell me this class is some kind of joke!” cried Sweetie Belle.
“Sorry, Sweetie Belle. Sparkling vampires actually existed,” said Scootaloo with a sad smile.
Sweetie Belle let out a groan of utmost despair, but then she realized what Scootaloo just said.
“Wait, ‘existed’? As in they don’t exist anymore?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Just keep reading Sweetie Belle,” said Scootaloo.
Class S: Sparkling Vampire
A now extinct form of ghoul infamous for their skin sparkling in sunlight. Originally considered an alternate form of vampirism, major differences between this class and other vampires led to the relabeling. One such difference being that these ghouls were hunted to extinction over a millennium ago.
Extinct, so no risk of contagion. No cure was ever discovered before their demise.
“OK. Whew. That’s such a relief to know,” said Sweetie Belle.
“That was mah reaction when Ah read that part too. Though Ah did wonder why they were wiped out in the first place,” said Apple Bloom.
“Who cares? They don’t exist anymore, and that’s a good thing,” said Sweetie Belle.
Scootaloo let out a chuckle, but didn’t say anything else. The changelings knew why they were gone, but that was a bit of a national secret.
“THOU DARE LAY HOOF UPON MINE ROYAL POSTERIOR?! THY LIFE AND THAT OF THY KIN ARE FORFEIT!”
Class T: Traditional Ghoul
Class T’s are what often come to mind when one thinks of ghouls: half-rotten bodies with souls stubbornly clinging to life with dark magic. While the nature and reason for these ghouls can vary, class T’s all have two defining features: they are, in fact, ghouls, and they have nothing else that stands them apart from the other classes.
Contagion and curability may vary.
Class V: Vampires
Traditional vampires, though now few in number, do exist. All two of them. Both are under very tight scrutiny, and will not be a problem. If that ever ceases to be the case, then Princess Celestia will give them a friendly reminder that it’s unwise to get on the bad side of someone who can move the big ball of vampire-burning through the sky.
Non-contagious, if they know what’s good for them. No known cure.
Sweetie Belle looked at her friends with a raised eyebrow.
“Suddenly, I find it very easy to believe there was a vampire involved in making this system. This part seems a little personal,” said Sweetie Belle.
“Well, yeah. Apparently there was this civil war among the vampires, and then Celestia got involved…” started Apple Bloom.
“And long story short, there are only two left. One lives in Canterlot as part of the Dark Magic Department, and the other lives in some castle in the middle of nowhere,” said Scootaloo.
“Huh. That’s interesting, though also kind of worrying,” said Sweetie Belle.
“Ah actually met the vampire in Canterlot once, when Ah was gettin’ registered. He’s… well, not really friendly, but he ain’t a bad pony. Funny enough, he insists he wasn’t involved in creation of the class system, even though there are only two vampires that could have done it,” said Apple Bloom.
“And the other one?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Hay if Ah know,” said Apple Bloom with a shrug.
Class W: Water Ghouls
A rather tragic class of ghoul, class W’s are the result of mortals drowning in cursed waters along with their sinking ships, causing their souls to be permanently bound to their vessels, sailing the seas long after death. While terrifying to behold, not all water ghouls are evil. Some are even still active members of the royal navy.
Non-contagious. Curable, though the method of freeing the trapped souls tends to vary from cursed ship to cursed ship.
Class X: X-ray Ghouls
Also known as thinking bones, class X’s are just animated skeletons that have souls, as the dark magic keeping them alive isn’t strong enough to keep their bodies from rotting away entirely. They are often mistaken for skeleton class zombies, as the presence of a soul is the only distinction between the two.
Non-contagious. No known cure.
Class Y: Yawning Ghouls
The most unthreatening ghoul class, yawning ghouls get their name from the fact that they’re always sleeping. They are created from the souls of those who die from a lifetime of overwork making them too exhausted after death to finish the journey to the afterlife, or those who were too lazy to even bother making it in the first place. They have no special abilities, no regeneration, and are effectively completely harmless.
Non-contagious, but also incurable. If they ever wake up, their souls are finally released from their bodies, so encouraging them to get up and move on is recommended.
“And no class Z,” said Sweetie Belle as she closed the book.
“Well, not yet. Part of the reason there’s so many blanks is in case new kinds of ghouls end up discovered some day. I mean, class A’s were only discovered about thirty years ago or something,” said Scootaloo.
“Wait, really? Ah thought that Sombra guy was a class A or maybe class E,” said Apple Bloom.
“Sombra was many awful things, but he wasn’t a ghoul. Trust me, we had a few changelings look into it after he was defeated,” said Scootaloo.
“Was he a lich then, or something just as bad?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“I don’t think so. I think he was just a unicorn with a lot of dark magic, a mad desire for power, and a horrible fashion sense. Seriously, those suits of armor he was making for his army were bucking ugly,” answered Scootaloo with a shrug.
The shattered remains of Sombra felt a sudden urge to squish bugs.