//------------------------------//
// Sexy Bugs 
// Story: Those Four Guys 
// by Kodiologist 
//------------------------------//

Gilbert didn't neglect to trade addresses with his new friends, and one day after work, he was just thinking about getting in touch with them when he got a scroll in a puff of red Crag-fire. The boys were going out bowling this Saturday afternoon, and would Gilbert care to join them? He did, if only to see how an earth pony managed a bowling ball, and he met them outside a bowling alley in midtown Manehattan.

"Hey, brospeh." said Hearty Hooves. "Bowling's not happening today, unfortunately."

"It looks like a herd of yaks stampeded through the place." said Whisperwing, peering through the window. "Apparently, it was a colony of giant mole rats, which sounds little better."

"Why is this kind of thing always happening in Equestria?" said Gilbert. "Now especially, I thought the new princess would… kind of… clean the place up?"

"There's only so much she can do," said Whisperwing, a bit offended, "especially now that she's running the country. She and her bosom-friends used to be important peacekeepers, and now she has to groom a whole new generation to replace them."

"What about the Student Six?" said Gilbert.

"None of them seem to be the adventuring or monster-wrangling type," said Whisperwing, "at least in the two years since they graduated. When I met Sandbar at—"

"So what are we doing?" said Crag, bending his head down to the eye level of the others. "I've got to get my hours' worth out of this leisure time, you know."

Gilbert thought about it. "Wanna go to Corny Island?"

"I can't fit on any of the rides." said Crag. "Sorry. Is anycreature in the mood for a sightseeing flight?"

"That sounds pleasant." said Whisperwing, unfurling his prodigious wings. They were very pretty, actually—fluffy, snow-white, and shapely—and Gilbert felt a bit jealous.

Gilbert jerked a talon at the earth pony. "How's he—"

"Crag gives me a lift." said Hearty. "But let's not, guys. I don't have the stomach for it today. And I just remembered something." He grinned. "A changeling dance club just opened a few blocks uptown. Well, bros? Are you down for some bug poon?"

Gilbert raised his eyebrows. "So by 'dance club', you mean…"

"Sexy dances." said Hearty Hooves. "Nothing to the imagination."

"Cool." said Gilbert. "I've never been, but, first time for everything, right?"

"That's the spirit!" said Hearty, clapping Gilbert on the shoulder.

"But, er, Crag, are you interested in that sort of thing?" said Gilbert. "I mean, if dragons don't have sex for fun… is watching sexy dances any fun?"

"Eh," said Crag, "I can appreciate a pretty girl as much as anypony."

"Well, Whispy?" said Hearty. "Are you feelin' it?"

"Do we have to do this?" said Whisperwing with a pained look.

"Of course not, dawg." said Hearty. "If you don't want to do it, we won't do it. We'll do something else. I can take Gil there some other day."

Whisperwing looked thoughtful. "No, let's try it, actually. But thanks for giving the option."

"Attaboy." said Hearty Hooves. "Let's go see some holes."

"Do you mean 'hos'?" said Gilbert, as they started walking.

"No, 'holes'." said Hearty. "Well, I guess Chrysalis has most of 'em, and she's a statue now. Never mind."





The club was busier than might have been expected, considering the sun was still out. Ponies, and a fair number of other creatures, crowded around tables and stages, day-drinking and enjoying the eye candy. There was just enough room for Crag to stand on two legs without hitting his head on the ceiling.

The first performer that caught Gilbert's eye took the shape of a lamia. She had a lovely mare's face on top with a long shining yellow mane, and a long, sinuous green-scaled tail on the bottom. She swayed seductively from a pole, her tail wrapped around it, giving everybody a good look at her moist equine vulva and supple udder.

"Knows how to work it, doesn't she?" said Hearty, chuckling.

"Yeah." Gilbert muttered. He shifted position on his stool, trying to make his erection a bit more discreet; now he could see why they kept the place dark outside the spotlights. "Imagine having a girl like that to yourself, huh?"

"For sure, my dude." said Hearty.

"Hey, uh… you don't think any of the changelings are really male, and they just put on female shapes, do you?"

"Changelings can't change which parts they've got." said Hearty. "That girl's got a muff, for sure, even if's not really a horse muff. Or whatever girl parts changelings have. And they don't usually like to look like the other gender, though it's easy for them to, if you don't see between their legs."

"Oh, man, that is a relief." said Gilbert, smiling.

Hearty snorted. "Don't wanna catch the gay, huh? You're missing out, brophocles. Look at that hunk Whispy's got his queer eyes on."

In spite of himself, Gilbert looked. On the table Whisperwing sat at was a unicorn, tall and skinny like an alicorn princess, but with an exaggeratedly male muzzle. He had long, beautiful eyelashes and a mane piled up on his neck like seafoam. He slowly circled the table as an impressively thick penis twitched beneath him, his tail lifted just high enough to put his anus on display. Whisperwing, for his part, had a wingboner so massive it was taking up the stools on either side of him.

"Well, that's certainly something." said Gilbert.

"Asbo-buckin'-lutely." said Hearty. "I'm so glad we decided to go here. Where else would you see this stuff, outside a magazine?"

Gilbert hesitated, then asked "Are you gay?"

"I'm bisexual." said Hearty. "Best of both worlds. I prefer the ladies, although I appreciate a nice dick. Whispy's gay, though. Very gay."

"What about Crag?" said Gilbert.

"Straight as you, buddy." said Hearty.

"Where is Crag, anyway?" said Gilbert, searching the room. "How does a two-ton dragon hide in a crowd?"

"Hey, guys." said Crag, making them both jump. Gilbert now noticed that the dragon was approximately the same color as the green interiors of the club, and his smooth matte scales seemed to drink in the light. "Give me a break. I'm not even four hundred pounds yet. Anyway, are you having fun?"

"To be honest, I'm not sure yet." said Gilbert. "How about you? Anycreature catch your eye?"

"There was," said Crag, "but she changed form." He looked around. "Oh, she's back." He picked up Hearty Hooves in one hand, as if on instinct, although it was easy enough to see all the dancers from the floor given their elevation. "Take a look at that."

The dancer took the shape of a zebra, large and muscular, but graceful. She danced rapidly as four great silver rings round her barrel flew back and forth, in complex visual interplay with her stripes. She occasionally stopped in certain poses, like a stand on one forehoof, to flaunt her genitals, but overall she was much more engaged in dancing per se than most of the other dancers.

"Artsy." said Gilbert.

"You would look for art in a sexy dance club, if anypony would." said Hearty, laughing.

Crag shrugged. "I yam what I yam."

"What about you, Hearty?" said Gilbert. "Who do you think's the hottest dancer here?"

Hearty snorted. "That's like trying to choose a favorite child. No, wait, that was a bad analogy."

"You don't say." said Whisperwing, who had just trotted over.

"I guess I'm really into that one." said Hearty, pointing a hoof. This dancer was a petite orange pegasus. She trotted cheerily around the stage as she chatted with the audience about mundane things. She could pass for an ordinary country girl—maybe a little smaller than normal, and a little better-proportioned, but certainly not as exotic as the minotaurs and multi-headed felines elsewhere in the club. "She's adorable!" said Hearty. "I just want to marry her and raise her foals and grow old with her. With a lot of vigorous, sweaty horseplay along the way."

"That'd be nice." said Gilbert, smiling.





Afterwards, they went out for ice cream. "That club was a blast." said Hearty, eating a maraschino cherry. "Are we making this a regular thing?" The other three looked away. "What? Just me? Gil, c'mon, I know you appreciated those girls."

"I guess I did, but it's unsatisfying, you know?" Gilbert gestured vaguely with a taloned forefoot. "You can look, but you can't touch."

"Say what?" said Hearty. "Don't you like porn?"

"I love porn." said Gilbert, blushing.

"I knew it, bro." said Hearty with a chuckle. "We have to swap collections sometime."

"But in a dance club, she's there in person, and at the same time, you can't touch her. She's pretending to be into you and stuff, but, of course, she's not. It's… unsatisfying. And you can't touch yourself, either."

"So save it for the spank bank."

"Believe me, I will. I just don't really want to go back."

"So, brothel next time instead?"

Gilbert coughed. "Is that even legal in Equestria?"

"Technically, no." said Hearty. "But nopony really cares, if you have any tact about it. There's some agency that does regular venereal testing and so on. It's all pretty above-board."

"Whatever. I don't think that's really my sort of thing, either. Not for my first time, anyway."

Hearty nodded. "I get ya. I don't think I could pay for sex myself. Well, Crag, what did you think?"

Crag was idly trying to balance a tiny wooden spoon on one of his claws. "It was okay. It wasn't very interesting after the first half-hour, and it's a little uncomfortable being around all those horny people. It's like attending a service at a foreign church. You can go through the motions, but you know you're not having the experience you're supposed to."

"Well, thanks for giving it a try, old buddy." said Hearty. "Whispy, what's the verdict?"

"I can't complain about the experience as an audience member." said Whisperwing, working on some chocolate ice-cream cake. "Not that I, a pegasus, could readily deceive anypony about such things. It was gratifying indeed. Still… I don't think I can support such a business. It's ultimately exploitative of the performers."

"Exploitative how?" said Crag, bringing his head right over Whisperwing.

Even after they'd been friends for years, Whisperwing couldn't help but feel a bit intimidated with those gigantic reptilian jaws so close. He was pretty sure Crag did it on purpose when the dragon felt challenged.

"I didn't see any labor abuse going on there." Crag went on. "Are you just against sex work categorically?"

"Well, yes." said Whisperwing. "It's ostensibly consensual, but by taking money to do it, the workers imply that they wouldn't if they didn't need the money, which implies they don't have the minimum degree of freedom to refuse that's necessary to grant consent."

"You could say that about any kind of work." said Crag with a peeved puff of smoke from his nostrils.

"Absolutely," said Whisperwing, flapping a wing, "but the least we can do, if we're stuck with capitalism, is to allow workers to earn a good living without having to engage in sexual activity that they'd rather not. Otherwise, we're just sexually abusing people on the scale of a society."

"I hope you find these nerd fights as amusing as I do, Gil," said Hearty Hooves, nudging the griffon with a hoof, "because if you keep hanging around with us, you're gonna to hear a lot of 'em."