The following chapter has been modified to be COPPA compliant.
This story is not sponsored by anyone or anything except maybe Barro. Even if he currently is trying to destroy the story's world from within the story.
This story supports a free and independent Hong Kong. For that reason, it may not be available in China.

No dogs were harmed in the writing of this fanfic.

The first dog didn't notice as the droplets hit, but each drip of the substance that touched his armor began to burn. Trails of tiny smoke came from his armor as the acidic substance melted its way through the armor. It didn't have time to reach their skin before the rest of it came down in a sloppy mass.

As the first few dogs fell, they hit others on their way down. Screaming, the chrome-armored canine troopers tumbled off the wall and smacked into the dirt below... only to be covered by more of Dan's "homemade napalm."

Yes, Dan's GRANDMOTHER'S homemade napalm. The dogs writhed in the substance and threw off their armor, what they could of it, yelping and whimpering in pain. More and more dogs fell from the wall and landed in the rapidly growing, messy heap. The screams grew louder. The few that could crawled away, or limped. Despite the massive fall, the dogs were resilient, more so than donkeys, ponies and humans. Not enough to fight after limping away, though, for which Dan was thankful.

"It's melting through their armor," Doctor Whooves said. "But it doesn't melt the pet aquarium glass. Or the frame."

"Doctor, please- we need your help pouring this. We can contemplate the implausibility of the physics later." (Don't think about it, Phoenix. Don't think about it.)

"Hahaha! Look at them. Yes, cronies! Squirm! SQUIIRRRRRRRRMMM!!" Dan yelled, practically foaming at the mouth as he watched his foes suffer. "Ah, if my grandmother could see this now, she'd probably only be mildly disappointed."

"That was the last of the, uh, napalm, Dan," Captain America said. He wiped his hands thoroughly with a rag and looked a little bit self-conscious as he checked himself over. Turned out Steve Rogers was a bit of a neat-freak and just a touch on the germaphobic side. Still, the fact he was able to mix, move and pour Dan's acidic sludge was testament to his bravery.

"Dan dearie, they're still coming," Rarity said. Although there was a large pile of filth-covered dogs blocking the gates now, dozens more dog soldiers were vaulting over the rooftops and climbing up the wall further down.

Dan looked over the side of the wall. The remaining dogs were beginning their ascent vigorously, perhaps motivated by revenge. He made a mental note of that. One of the dogs reached his level.

"ALLLRRRRAAGH!" He snarled at Dan. And Dan pushed him off the wall. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH*wumph*"

"I could just keep doing this until I get a Wilhelm Scream but, I actually don't have all day." He grabbed one of the empty aquariums and tossed it over the side. A Wilhelm Scream followed as it took out a dog. "Huh, didn't have to wait long for that. Alright people, start grabbing stuff and knocking them down. Whatever you can chuck will do."

"Oh. Right, Nicky. Does anybody have a match?" Chris tossed Dan a pistol, which Dan dropped but luckily the safety was on. "Thanks Chris, this'll do."

Dan kicked open the door to the stairwell. A few of the foodimals were knocked out of the way and their rubbery bodies bounced around a bit before righting themselves. Down at the bottom of the stairwell was the rest of the napalm mixture... with a trail of it leading all the way to the top.

"This is for you, granny," Dan said, at shot the napalm trail. It immediately caught fire and burned brightly, acting like a fuse of sorts. The flames raced down the stairwell until they finally reached the stockpile of reserve napalm on the first flight of steps. It ignited the motherload just as the first dogs broke through the stairwell and started making their way up.

*boooom* Only to be met by exploding goop. The wall shook with the force of the blast, reverberating all the way to the top. The shockwaves were so strong they dislodged a few of the climbing dogs, allowing Captain America's shield and Chris, Tuxley and Reginald's rifles to do the rest.

"This stuff is flammable?!" Doctor Whooves went.
"This stuff is explosive?!" Captain America added.
"This stuff is easy to make at home with just six common household ingredients," Dan beamed. "Pet aquariums not included."

"Wellllll..." Dan said, shrugging, "it's not USUALLY flammable. Or explosive. But I added an extra ingredient."

Dan pulled out a small familiar bottle- the pink magic solution. "I'm beginning to understand how this stuff works. Used a tad bit of it in each container."

"The pink stuff," Phoenix remarked. "You actually used some of the bottle we got from the gift shop?"

Dan nodded. "It's like a magical spell. I think. You think of what you want and then add a few drops, boom. Uh, literally, in the event you want it to explode. I just thought to myself, 'wouldn't it be great if granny's napalm was explosive, too?' And this batch was."

"The zebras have stuff like that. Their potions- they do that," Lucid said. "Except they usually have to drink the potion."

"This is the opposite," Dan explained. "You pour it on something and it does what you want."

Tuxley, Reginald and Chris approached them. "Would it possibly work on something more... personal?"

Reginald lifted the hat of his friend's head and into his small-ish arms. A bit reluctantly, Tuxley turned over his top hat in his claws.

"An unfortunate casualty of battle, I'm afraid," Tuxley said, lip quivering only slightly. "Dash it all, I should've been more careful. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE CAREFUL!" His claws gripped the brim of the hat tightly.

"There there, sir. War does take the very best from us," Reginald said, patting him on the back.

Down below, the remaining dogs beat a hasty retreat. Or rather, the few that could ran scared, others shambled or crawled away while the vast majority lay motionless. Even if they were blocking the road now in a massive, goopy mess, they were in no condition to fight. Which suited Dan and the others just fine.

"And once again, my awesome planning and ingenuity has saved another completely defenseless nation from total and utter destruction," Dan proclaimed... modestly. Modest for him, anyway. "Yes, that's Dan, for you- the savior of the innocent and downtrodden, uplifter of all, grand thwarter of the-" Okay nevermind about him being modest. At this point, he's not even being honest.

And while that as well suited Dan just fine, it didn't suit the donkeys very well at all, particularly Lucid. The blue-maned yellow donkey grabbed Dan by the shoulders, flipped him around and pressed him to the edge of the wall.

"RRRRRGGH!" The donkey lifted Dan up, carried him to the other side of the wall and propped him over the edge face-down. "Do you know how bad this looks?"

Dan shrugged. "Well, it is YOUR country and I wasn't really gonna say anything, but it since you brought it up, yeah, New Troy is kind-of crappy-looking. It's like a slightly bigger Appleloosa with a wall and more railroads."

"That's the Badlands, Dan. Not the GOOD-lands. The BADlands. We call them that for a reason. Every square meter beyond this wall is treacherous, dangerous, terrifying territory. It's a risk setting hoof out there for a moment," Lucid said. No seriousness was lost in his tone of voice or firmness of his group.

"There are literal monsters out there. Horrors great and small that will bite off half of you and lay their eggs in the other half."

"Well, thank goodness this is a kid's show with family-friendly content. We would never want to risk breaking any recently revised regulations regarding the quality of programming broadcast online," Dan remarked.

Phoenix smiled. "And we certainly wouldn't directly poke fun at such overbearing regulations at all. Oops, I forgot to buckle my pants." Just then, Rarity's magic buckled Phoenix's belt extra-tight. "GAAH! Tha-thank you, Rarity- ow."

"Don't mention it," Rarity said. "And I mean it- DON'T." She shook her head. "You humans get to wear such nice clothes all the time, it's enough to make a mare jealous..." she mumbled to herself. She likes clothes. A lot.

"There's bad shit out there!" Lucid yelled, shaking Dan. "And YOU just blew a huge gaping hole in the only thing that keeps them out!!" The camera rapidly panned down to the bottom of the wall where there was indeed a huge gaping hole in the gate.

Dan laughed. "Oh, is that what you're worried about? Lighten up, Lucy. We can fix that no problem."

Lucid flipped him again. "This wall has stood for generations! More than a thousand years, the gates of New Troy have never been breached!"

"That's not a bad record- hey, everybody gets a mulligan." Before Lucid could get steamed up again, Dan quickly said, "Relax, Lucid. I can take care of this."

Lucid paused, fuming, staring Dan down with rage-filled eyes. "There's no more mortar to fix the wall with. How exactly are you going to repair it?"

Dan stuffed the carcasses of the dogs into the hole in order to plug the gap. Yeah, I can't even be bothered to write a montage sequence for that- it's kind-of disgusting. But this is Dan we're talking about so... hey, he stuffed the dogs into the hole and plugged it up. Hooray... I guess.

"Ahhh, that's the stuff. See? What did I tell you?" Lucid was too dumbfounded, or possibly disturbed, or probably both, to speak. "Great thing about Granny's Napalm- it doubles as a cement when it gets good and dry."

"Whoops, missed a spot." Dan walked over and put duct tape over the injured, compacted canine's muzzle. He whimpered. "There we go. We good now?"

Lucid's jaw hung open as he stood there, a mile-long stare as his expression. He started to mouth words and on the third time, they came out. "You have insulted my entire culture's heritage."

Dan patted him on the back. "I've insulted a lot more than that. And we just met a few hours ago."

Trying to be supportive, Phoenix offered a few words. "I think it'll hold up. I mean, culturally, a lot of walls and fortifications in ancient history did have actual bodies embedded in them, so... yeah. This is... normal... woo..." (I'm too tired to throw up, but I might anyway.)

"Yea-nope. Nope, no, sorry, not at all. No," Phoenix Wright, Lying Attorney said, shaking his lying head while he lied through his lying teeth of... lying-ness. (C'mon, man, we've been through hell, just please don't put me on trial right now.) Fine.

"I'm Phoenix- uh, Phoenix Wright, Ace... jazz piano player. And talent manager," lying Phoenix Wright said. "I have a talent agency... with morons in it. And weird people."

"Hey," Phoenix stopped him, "I know things are tough right now, but they're going to get better."

"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure of that," Rice Puddinghead said. Standing just behind them in front of the gate was, of course, Rice Puddinghead, current ruler of Equestria. He had already snapped his fingers once, transporting all his injured and ailing dog soldiers back to the moon base, leaving a massive hole in the wall in their place. But hey, at least they were fine. Unfortunately, the same was not about to be for Dan and the gang.

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" Dan screeched. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGH!!" Dan charged. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!" Dan fell, as Rice dodged him like a bull, spun the man around and threw him back down into the dirt.

"So, how did you do it, Dan?" Rice asked, kicking him over. "Was it a magical artifact? A spell I didn't know about? Some other random arcanist bullshit?"

"Car." And Rice was hit by a car. It drove through the hole and continued, not stopping, as it tore through the streets and headed further south. Rice flipped, tumbled over the vehicle and landed face down in the dirt. Dan rushing him, he had expected but the mysterious stranger Eric driving a Team Galactic space buggy straight towards him at full speed he had not expected.

He was in a lot of pain and not able to deal with this right now. Achingly, Rice snapped his fingers again, this time teleporting himself back to base. Dan immediately got up and began strangling where Rice had been.

"GET HIM BACK HERE! GET HIM BACK, get him so I can rip his heart out and beat him to death with it while it's still beating!"

"We'll get him eventually, Dan," Captain America said. He and Chris dragged Dan away from the scene, foaming at the mouth, and took him to get some rest at the nearest inn. They rested for a day and added some hasty wooden boards to seal up the hole in the wall before setting out for the Bursavis prison complex.

Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship(Season 1)

by Barrobroadcaster

Rad: Other Pink Floyd Reference