Chapter Seventeen
Following the Lead
⠀
⠀
It was getting pathetic.
No, there was no sense in beating around the bush, it was pathetic.
More to the point, Fluttershy was pathetic. How could she just sit there in her hotel room on today of all days? What the hell was wrong with her? She never used to be like this.
She looked at herself in the mirror. She hated who she saw. At least her hair had grown in enough for Gilda to even it out after her disastrous attempt to cut her own hair a few months back, so she wasn’t as ugly. Still, even if she was the most beautiful girl in the world, she would still hate the person she saw looking back at her.
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself,” she said aloud. She said that a lot these days. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Someone had to say it, since everyone else was also feeling sorry for her. As if that would somehow help her, as if her friends wasting their time caring about a useless excuse for a person was good for anyone.
It didn’t really matter what she told herself. She rarely listened.
She glanced towards the bathtub. It was dumb. It wasn’t even the same bathtub, but she hated it all the same. All hotel baths had become one to her, and all of them were ruined. She had thought that morning had meant something, and it had.
To herself, and to no one else.
That was what it was all about. That was why she was sitting alone in her hotel room on the one day she should drag her ass out more than any other.
‘Stop lying to yourself, you were always a stupid fuck up bitch.’
With a sigh, Fluttershy left the bathroom. She went into the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of scotch from the fridge and poured it into a disposable hotel glass. She estimated that she poured herself a double, but she knew it was probably a little more.
She knocked it back all the same. She thought about pouring another, but she put the bottle away. There would be plenty of time for that later.
This hotel actually had a little room for its kitchen, which she supposed was nice. It just meant more footsteps between where she was and the bed in practice. She stopped along the way to grab her guitar.
She frowned at the guitar and considered, not for the first time, smashing it into little pieces. Why the fuck did Sunset give her this stupid thing? Was it not enough for Sunset to leave her life forever? Did she really need to rub salt in the wound by giving her something to remember her by?
Fluttershy didn’t smash the guitar. She’d sooner die than let anything actually happen to it, not that those words meant much these days. She almost felt like she’d sooner die than live when it came down to it.
Instead, she just played one of the songs she and Rainbow had been working on. She didn’t like writing those songs without Rainbow, but she did play them on her own a lot. The songwriting sessions had become a regular part of their routine. After the shows, after the afterparty, Rainbow would come to Fluttershy’s room and the two of them would spend an hour or two playing around on their guitars and coming up with ideas.
It made her happy. And she was happy, really. She had a lot to be happy about these days, and she knew that. Which was why she was also an ingrate for sitting around feeling miserable when she had so much going for her, especially on today of all days.
She looked at the door. She could do it. She could just go to the concert venue. It wasn’t like anything was stopping her.
She played her song instead.
The minutes were fed by her inaction until they grew into hours, which weighed on her until she could do nothing but collapse onto the bed. She stared at the ceiling and, again, questioned what was wrong with her.
“No!” Fluttershy shot up and looked at the clock. It was almost eleven, which meant she still had time. Bitchette would finish their set around eleven, so she would miss the show, but she could be there for the afterparty.
Suddenly moving like it was the place she wanted to be most in the world, Fluttershy ordered a cab as quickly as she could and then dressed. She hadn’t showered in a week, but there wasn’t time to do anything about that. She grabbed her purse and ran out the door.
She was barely waiting around the hotel lobby by the time her cab arrived. The driver greeted her, but didn’t try to make conversation. Usually Fluttershy wondered if that was because of her punk appearance, but this time she didn’t stop to question it. The last thing she really wanted was to talk to someone anyway.
Which was why she had to swallow down a lump in her throat as she reached the venue. It would be filled with people, and some of them would want to talk to her. Even if she could get by without talking to any fans, the bands would be a different matter.
‘They’re your friends,’ Fluttershy reminded herself, as if knowing she was a standoffish bitch these days made being so any better.
She thanked the driver and walked around to the back of the building. The back door was locked, so she texted Rainbow to let her in. Only when the text was sent did she lose her nerve, but then it was too late.
The door opened and Rainbow was looking at her in surprise. Slowly, she broke into a grin. “Shy, you came!”
Fluttershy walked forward and hugged Rainbow in the doorway. “Happy birthday, Dash.”
Rainbow hugged her back quickly, then stepped back inside. “You say that like we didn’t just see each other this morning.”
Fluttershy followed her in. “Yeah, but this is your party.”
“I’m glad you came.”
Fluttershy looked around, quickly spotting the rest of the band. Everyone seemed to be drinking, which was to be expected on Rainbow’s birthday. Someone must have run out to a liquor store, since they were drinking out of plastic red cups instead of beer bottles or cans.
“What are you drinking.”
Rainbow frowned, and Fluttershy hoped she wouldn’t get a lecture. “Champagne.”
Fluttershy laughed. Rainbow had never really gone in for wine. “Guess it’s a special occasion.”
“Yeah, well, someone bought it. Not really sure who, but it’s a party, right?”
Fluttershy nodded. “Is there any left?”
“Uh, I think so, let’s go check.”
Fluttershy followed Rainbow to a counter, which had a couple bottles of champagne. The first she grabbed was empty, but the second had some in it still. Rainbow poured Fluttershy a cup. “Cheers.”
Fluttershy bumped her cup against Rainbow’s. “Cheers.”
“Is that Fluttershy?” Lightning Dust came up from behind her and hugged her. “Shy! I’m like… really drunk.”
Fluttershy laughed and took a sip of her champagne. “You all didn’t leave me enough champagne to get drunk with you.”
Lightning laughed. “Oh, there’s more behind the counter. I think someone here owns a liquor store or something, he brought like, so so much when he heard it was Dash’s day.” She scrunched up her face at Rainbow, who was grimacing. “I don’t think Dash wanted me to tell you that.”
Rainbow facepalmed, but Fluttershy laughed. “Aww, come on, Dashie. I haven’t been drinking too much lately, you know that.”
Rainbow sighed. “Yeah, whatever. Just… watch yourself.”
“I will.” Fluttershy sipped her champagne.
“Hey, Flash!” Lightning Dust yelled. “Comere, Fluttershy’s here! What? No, I don’t care you’re talking to someone, get your ass over here and say hi!”
Fluttershy couldn’t decide between giggling and facepalming, so she did both. Within a moment, Flash obeyed. He brought Lemon Zest with him.
“Hey, stranger,” Flash said with a smile. Fluttershy bit back her guilt as best she could. “Glad to see you come out for a change.”
Lemon Zest elbowed him. “Hey, Shy can stay in the hotel if she wants. Still, it’s good to see you.”
Fluttershy felt bad for how little her friends saw her off the tour bus these days. She told herself that was still a few hours each day, but even then, she often hid in the back napping since she rarely slept in hotels anymore.
Next to notice her was Gilda, who brought Rolling Thunder. Fluttershy didn’t know Thunder all that well, but she still made a big deal about Fluttershy being there. Fluttershy had to refill her drink by the time they let go of her.
Windfall was the last to notice her. At least Short Fuse didn’t seem to care whether she was there or not, and Windfall was casual as always about it. Still, the added attention had her drinking again.
She soon lost track of how much she’d drunk. The glasses kept getting emptied just as they kept getting refilled. She told herself it was to help her loosen up and enjoy herself, but all it did was make her not want to be there.
Not that she wanted to be there anyway. She was there because it was Rainbow’s birthday, not because she was in the mood to hang out at a concert’s afterparty. She didn’t do that anymore. Not since she’d been rushed to the hospital.
“Fluttershy, come dance with me!” Lightning said unexpectedly.
“What?” Fluttershy took a step back. “Er, no. I’ve had a bit too much to dance.”
“That’s the best time to dance!” Lightning insisted. “Come on, it’ll be fun.”
Fluttershy shook her head. “No, I… I think I need to go sit down.”
Although Lightning looked a little disappointed, Fluttershy left and found herself a couch that was as out of the way as she could get. Before long, she found herself lying down, trying to keep the room from spinning so much.
Why was she here? This was a dumb idea, she didn’t like parties at the best of times, and it hadn’t been the best of times for months. And really, it had been much longer than that. Part of her wondered what the best of times for her had actually been, but only a small part. The rest of her was just trying to keep grounded.
Eventually all those thoughts faded away. In their place, she found herself dancing with Lightning Dust. She was too drunk to dance, she knew that, but it didn’t seem to matter. Her feet moved on their own, and she was surprised to find she was actually enjoying herself.
“Told you you’d have fun,” Lightning said.
Fluttershy smiled. She didn’t do that enough these days. “Yeah, you were right. Thank you for talking me into dancing with you.”
“Hey, no sweat.” Lightning showed her a confident grin. “But I think someone else wants a turn.”
“Oh?” Fluttershy looked around, and her jaw dropped when she saw who Lightning Dust was referring to.
Sonata held out her hand apprehensively. “Can I have this dance?”
Fluttershy’s confusion passed, and she took Sonata’s hand. The music changed as she did. It had been a heavy yet danceable rock song, but now it morphed into a softer ballad. Sonata smiled at her and placed one hand on her waist.
It wasn’t that Fluttershy didn’t have questions. She did, of course. It was just that this was too perfect to let things like that get in the way. She smiled and leaned into Sonata, letting her worries melt away as she did.
“I’m glad you’re not mad at me,” Sonata said softly.
“I’m just glad you’re back,” Fluttershy answered.
They danced together in blissful unity, and Fluttershy could scarcely remember a time when she was happier. Everything else faded away, even the music seemed to feel distant. There was Fluttershy and there was Sonata, and that was all there needed to be.
At least, until she felt another hand curl around her waist, then moments later, another hand found its way to where she and Sonata were holding hands. “Mind if I cut in?”
Fluttershy didn’t have to look to see who her new dance partner was. She’d never forget that voice, although she never thought she’d hear it again. It was all she could do to keep from crying. “Sunny?”
Sunset spun her around, extending her arm but not letting go of Fluttershy, so that she was two arms’ lengths away from Sunset. Finally getting to look her in the face, Fluttershy did find tears welling up. Sunset was smiling, and she was so beautiful. Had Fluttershy ever really appreciated how beautiful Sunset was before?
“Hey, no crying while I’m here,” Sonata said. Sunset pulled Fluttershy back, and Sonata lifted her up and spun them both around before putting her down.
And Fluttershy smiled. She smiled so much.
Their dance had gone completely out of her control. Sonata and Sunset took the lead, and Fluttershy let them guide her along. One of them would spin her, and the other would catch her. Back and forth, the two of them in perfect sync as Fluttershy lost herself in the moment.
Fluttershy didn’t want it to end. It was all she could ask for, and she never wanted to stop. She could dance forever, as long as it was with Sunset and Sonata.
“Ready for the big finish?” Sunset asked. Fluttershy looked at her quizzically, unsure of what sort of finish she had in mind. She didn’t want to stop, but as with everything else in their dance, it didn’t seem like she had much of a choice.
Sunset and Sonata both lifted her by her midriff, high into the air over their heads. For one moment, Fluttershy felt like she was on top of the world. She was as delicate and graceful as a ballerina, as if nothing in the past few years had happened.
And then the hands let go of her. Both Sunset and Sonata let her go, and she knew they were gone.
She fell then, too shocked to scream. She was falling, and there would be no one to catch her. And worst of all, this was all her fault. No one would want to stay with someone like her. Why would they? Fluttershy was not delicate and graceful, she was a wreck.
And she fell. She fell for longer than she should have, she knew that. She wasn’t even sure if she was falling to the floor or to somewhere far lower. Perhaps she was going to fall all the way to Hell, where people like her deserved to be.
That was it. She was falling into Hell. It was the only place for her. She was a disgusting alcoholic who hurt the people she cared about, and then she had the audacity to blame them for it. She’d nearly drank herself to death once, and she’d thought about finishing the job every single day since then. There was nowhere else for her.
And then she’d never see Sky again.
Fluttershy rose with a start, finding herself sitting on a couch. She looked around and saw Gilda was sitting next to her, staring at her phone.
The party. Fluttershy was at Rainbow’s birthday party. She rubbed her eyes and squinted at her friend. “Gilda?”
“Hey, Shy. Party a bit too hard?”
Fluttershy groaned and shifted so that she was sitting properly, putting her feet down on the floor. “Was I asleep?”
“Snoring like a baby. Speaking of which, I had to come babysit your drunk ass to make sure nothing happened to you.”
Fluttershy bowed her head. Now she was ruining her friend’s night. “I’m sorry.”
“Nah, it’s cool. You’d do the same for me.”
Fluttershy would, sure. If she was sober enough to, that is. She was never sober enough to do anything useful these days. “Yeah, of course.”
Gilda’s face was expressionless, giving no hints to how she might feel. “How about we get you a taxi?”
“No, not yet. It’s Dash’s birthday.”
“Dash’s birthday ended like half an hour ago,” Gilda pointed out.
“I’ll leave when she does.”
Gilda sighed. “Whatever, I’m not your mom.”
Fluttershy winced. What would her mom say if she saw her now? She used to be such a good daughter… “I miss my mom.”
“Oh shit.” Gilda stood up and stretched. “Yeah, I’ll make sure no one tries shit with you, but if you’re gonna get weepy drunk? I’m finding Rainbow.”
“No, forget I said that.” Fluttershy held her head in her hands. Why couldn’t she just keep her stupid mouth shut? “I don’t want to bother Dash.”
“Yeah, no, I’m finding her. Wait here.”
Fluttershy watched as Gilda walked away. She held out her hand to try and stop her from going, but it did nothing.
Well, she didn’t need to be there when Rainbow arrived. Fluttershy got up herself and stumbled over to the bar. She remembered what Lightning said about the champagne behind the counter and found herself a bottle.
Afraid someone would tell her off for drinking, she poured her cup and sat down behind the counter, relatively out of sight. She sighed and wondered why she had bothered to come in the first place, then drowned that thought in bubbly alcohol.
She liked the bubbles, at least.
She tried to remember her dream, but the music was so loud that it blocked out her thoughts clearly. Sunset and Sonata were there, she remembered that, and they danced with her. But when she tried to remember things like how they danced, the specifics faded from her memory.
She drained the last of the champagne from her cup, then she refilled it. It was a stupid dream. Sunset was off living her perfect little life with her girlfriends, and Sonata was… doing whatever she was doing. They didn’t care about her.
Fluttershy drank.
No one disturbed her, but she did eventually get bored. She finished her second glass of champagne, decided she might throw up if she had another, and stood up with some difficulty.
It didn’t take long before she was noticed. Windfall saw her, and he called out to someone, “I got her!” then walked over.
“Hi,” Fluttershy said meekly.
Windfall didn’t say anything at first, just took the bottle of champagne that she didn’t realize she was still holding. He set it on the counter, then put a hand on her shoulder to guide her away. “How you feeling?”
“Pretty good,” Fluttershy said. “I’m not going to cry.”
Windfall scrunched up his face. “What?”
“I won’t be a weepy drunk, so I’m okay.”
Windfall shook his head. “I don’t care if you cry, I just don’t want you to pass out.”
“Oh. Well, I won’t do that either.”
Rainbow and Lemon Zest walked up to her together, and Rainbow took Fluttershy’s other side. “Come on, we’re getting you out of here.”
“No. I’m not leaving until you’re ready to go.”
“Well, I’m ready to go,” Rainbow said, but Fluttershy wasn’t drunk enough to miss how irritated she sounded. Fluttershy was being a burden again, like she always was.
“I’m sorry.” Fluttershy hugged Rainbow and couldn’t manage to keep all of her tears inside her. “I’m ruining your birthday.”
“You’re fine, I just want you to be safe.”
“I am safe.” Fluttershy pulled away and wiped her eyes. “You need to enjoy yourself. I’ll… I’ll go back to the hotel, just stay here and have fun.”
“Shy…”
“I’ve got an idea,” Lemon Zest said. “How about we go for a walk, Shy? Just the two of us.”
“A walk?”
Lemon Zest nodded. “Yeah, that way you don’t have to worry about leaving before Dash and she doesn’t have to worry about where you are and what you’re up to.”
“I guess that’d be okay.” Fluttershy frowned as the implications sunk in. “Wait! That means you’ll miss the party!”
Lemon Zest laughed. “Hey, the party is wherever the fuck I say it is, and I say it’s with you.”
Fluttershy giggled. “Okay. Let’s go.”
Rainbow frowned, but she let go of Fluttershy. “Just… be safe, you two. Call us if you need us.”
“Yeah, of course,” Lemon Zest said. “Come on, Shy.”
Rainbow and Windfall saw them to the door, then Fluttershy and Lemon Zest walked into the warm summer night together.
“So where are we going?” Fluttershy asked.
“Wherever the hell we want!” Lemon Zest said defiantly. A moment later she lost her fire as she added, “Uh, where the hell do we wanna go?”
Fluttershy shrugged. “I don’t know this city.”
Lemon Zest pulled out her phone and looked up the area they were in. “There’s a park nearby. Wanna go there?”
“Sure.” Fluttershy smiled, and she followed Lemon Zest’s lead.
The night was warm, but not too hot. The mid-July days were too hot for Fluttershy’s liking, but at least she could walk in the night without melting into a puddle of Fluttershy. It was also comfortingly well lit, with plenty of streetlights in what Fluttershy assumed was the city’s downtown district.
They walked along clean sidewalks, and didn’t come across many other people. It was the middle of the night, after all.
Although that got Fluttershy thinking. “Is it safe to be out at night?”
Lemon Zest shrugged. “It is if I hold your hand.”
Fluttershy smiled. “That won’t do us much good if someone tries to mug us.”
“Maybe, but it would make you feel better.”
“Well… yes.”
Lemon Zest cupped her hand around Fluttershy’s, and both girls smiled at each other.
They walked for what felt like maybe five minutes before they reached the park, although Fluttershy was too drunk to judge time with any level of certainty. There was a lake in the middle with a path that extended around it, which they walked along.
“It’s nice out tonight,” Fluttershy said.
“Yeah, this is way better than that stuffy afterparty.”
Fluttershy frowned. “Did you really want to leave?”
“Of course I did.”
“Promise?”
“Yeah, promise.”
Fluttershy wasn’t sure if she believed Lemon Zest, but she smiled anyway. If it was a lie, it was a comforting one.
Fluttershy suddenly came to a stop. “Shit!”
Lemon Zest stared at her wide-eyed. “What’s wrong?”
Fluttershy facepalmed. “I left my purse at the venue.”
“Oh. Hold on, I’ll call Rainbow.” Lemon Zest thought for a moment. “Nah, I’ll call Windfall.”
She pulled out her phone and tapped on her screen a few times, then pressed it to her ear. “Hey. No everything’s cool, Shy just forgot her purse there.” She paused for a moment, then held the phone away from her mouth. “Do you know where you left it?”
“Uhm…” Fluttershy thought back to when she last had it, but she couldn’t think clearly. “Maybe behind the counter?”
“Check behind the bar.” They waited in silence for a few moments before Lemon Zest said. “No, it’s not there.”
“Shit. I’m so stupid…”
“Hey, none of that.” Lemon Zest sighed. “Can you just look around for it? Cool, let us know when you find it.”
“Tell him I’m sorry,” Fluttershy said.
“Shy says thank you. Yeah, just text me.”
Lemon Zest hung up her phone and put it in her pocket, then she took hold of Fluttershy’s hand again. Fluttershy didn’t feel like she deserved to hold Lemon Zest’s hand anymore, but she didn’t say anything.
Lemon Zest started walking again. “So, Shy…”
“Yeah?”
Lemon Zest frowned. “Are you okay?”
Fluttershy smiled. “I’m –”
“Fine, I know.” Lemon Zest squeezed her hand. “That’s what you always say. But, like… for real though. We’re here for you, you know?”
“I know, and I appreciate it.” Fluttershy was making her friends worry about her. Why did she have to be such a bother all the time?
“I know you know, but like, do you?” Lemon Zest frowned. “Because something’s not normal and you aren’t coming to talk to us about it.”
“I just… I have a lot on my mind lately.”
Lemon Zest sighed. “Ever since Sonata left.”
Fluttershy didn’t say anything.
“I’m sorry. I really am, I know it’s painful to talk about it. But not talking about it is making you miserable, we can all see it. You’re barely around, and when you are, you seem so out of it.”
“I’m… not sleeping well.”
“Yeah, I thought so.” Lemon Zest stopped them to turn Fluttershy to face her. She looked at Fluttershy for a moment then hugged her.
“Zest –”
“You’re not fine. You need to talk about what’s going on.”
“I just…” Fluttershy clenched her teeth to try and keep from crying. “I don’t like sleeping alone. And since I don’t go to shows anymore, I don’t ever meet girls to take back to my room with me…”
“Then I’ll sleep with you.” Lemon Zest laughed as soon as she said it. “Wait, you know what I mean.”
“Zest…”
“Hey, you did it for me, right? When I couldn’t sleep without my teddy bear.”
Fluttershy blushed. “Yeah, but…”
“But that was me and you’re you?” Lemon Zest lightly punched Fluttershy on the shoulder. “Come on, enough of the double standards. You’re like, one of my best friends. I’m totally down to cuddle you.”
Fluttershy didn’t know what to say, so she went back to walking. Lemon Zest quickly caught up to her and held her hand once again.
She wanted to agree. She definitely wanted to agree. She wanted to leave the park and go back to the hotel right there and then to finally get a good night’s sleep with someone to hold.
But… Lemon Zest was a friend. The last time Fluttershy had tried to blur the lines with a friend, well… she wound up hospitalizing herself then becoming a recluse.
“I wish I knew what I meant to Sonata,” Fluttershy said suddenly. “I wish I knew why she didn’t say goodbye. I replay that morning all the time, and I just… I wish I knew.”
“Yeah, I feel you there. That was way uncool of her.”
“I remember that she was going to come with us on the tour bus, but then Adagio said they needed her that day. So… maybe she didn’t know they were leaving?”
“Maybe.” Lemon Zest didn’t sound like she believed it, and it was easy to see why.
“But then she would’ve tried to leave a message for me with the roadies.” Fluttershy winced. “I know that too. I tell myself every day, if she really cared, even if she didn’t know she was leaving, she would’ve left me a message.”
“You were really hung up on her.”
Fluttershy shook her head. She saw a bench, so she led them to it and took a seat. Lemon Zest sat beside her, still holding her hand. “I didn’t love her. Not exactly. I loved… I did love being with her. I maybe could have loved her, if she stuck around. But I think… I loved believing someone loved me.”
“I love you,” Lemon Zest said as if it was obvious.
Fluttershy looked at her in confusion, so she smiled. “Shy, like I said, you’re one of my best friends. Of course I love you. We all do.”
Oh, that’s what she meant. Of course it was. Fluttershy smiled and shook her head. “It’s not quite the same.”
“Well… why not?”
“What do you mean?”
Lemon Zest shrugged. “I mean, like, why isn’t it the same? Sure, it means we don’t do exactly the same thing together, but like, you have a lot of people who care about you. You saw how many people were happy when you showed up today.”
Fluttershy frowned. “I know. Everyone’s so nice to me, and I…”
“Don’t say something mean about yourself. I know you don’t like yourself much, but we all love you. Just… try to focus on that the same way you focused on Sonata.”
Fluttershy ran a hand through her hair. “It’s not just Sonata, even with Sunset, I – oh!”
Lemon Zest followed Fluttershy’s gaze to see two rabbits hopping by. They stopped and looked at the two girls.
Fluttershy beamed, it had been so long since she got to see a rabbit. She barely got to see any animals on tour, even cats and dogs. She had forgotten how much she loved them until she was face to face with a couple adorable bunnies.
They stared at the two girls for a minute, then they hopped along leisurely. Lemon Zest placed an arm around Fluttershy’s shoulder, and Fluttershy leaned into her.
“So, uh, what were you saying?”
Fluttershy shook her head, nuzzling against Lemon Zest in the process. “Can we just… stay like this for a bit?”
“Yeah, of course.”
Fluttershy smiled, feeling just a little better by her friend’s presence. “Thank you.”
“Of course.”
Fluttershy took a deep breath and had to smile. “How do you even smell like lemons?”
“It’s just the shampoo I use.”
“I didn’t know they made lemon-scented shampoo.”
Lemon Zest shrugged. “I’m full of surprises.”
Fluttershy closed her eyes and let herself feel peace. “Yeah. You are.”