After an hour or so of play, I said goodbye and headed home. Thunderlane was cooking a delicious smelling stew when I arrived.
"That smells amazing," I said as I walked into the kitchen. "You're a really good cook, Bro."
"Heh, thanks. Did talking with Sweet Pop help you any?" he asked me. He was looking at the stew as he said it, but I detected a hint of worry in his voice.
"It did. She likes being frozen," I said, and frowned. "Are you and Mom cool now, or did you say that just because Pop was with me?"
Thunder sighed and shook his head. "It's as good as it's going to get for now. She apologized and she seemed pretty upset about it, so I decided to stay for the weekend after all," he said. "But she's dead set on you accepting the band, and she doesn't want to hear anything to the contrary. I promised her I wouldn't try to sway you."
For an awkward moment, the only sound was the steel ladle clattering against the sides of the pot.
"So... you gonna keep that promise?" I asked him.
He narrowed his eyes and lowered his voice. "She was asleep with a headache a few minutes ago, but she'll come out if she hears us. Keep your voice down."
I nodded. "Okay. You still want me to say 'no', right?"
My brother sighed. "Rumble... it's not what I would choose for myself, and I think it's a bad idea. I'm not going to stop you if you want to live forever, but I want you to really think this through."
"I want to grow up just like you," I said. "You're awesome, Thunder. You're everything I wish I could be."
Bro blushed. "Well, I appreciate that. Sometimes it's tough being a role model, y'know? I mean, I'm always thinking about how you'll see me. I'm glad you're proud of me, but you gotta be your own pony, too."
"You're starting to sound like Mom," I complained. "I know I have to be myself, and I can't be exactly who you are. But I want the pony I become to be like you. You're awesome."
"Well, that's okay," he said, "but it's okay that you'll be different, too. You'll have your own friends, and your own dreams, and stuff you like to do, and stuff you hate. You'll probably fall in love with somepony special." He turned the burner down on the soup, and the steam thinned.
"Bleah. I don't know about that part," I said. "You don't want foals, do you?"
"I might someday. I'm still pretty young," he said. "But the point is I get to decide those things, and that's important."
"I guess. I think Pop and Cinnamon still get to make decisions. It's just... different," I said. "Right?"
"Not really. You don't get to make most of the decisions about your life if you freeze," he said.
"Well, I don't care about it anyway. I just want to be big," I said. "That way I can be a Wonderbolt, and everypony can look up to me."
Thunder looked a little guilty, and turned his face toward the stew. "I gotta be honest with you, squirt. If all you want is to be looked up to, you don't need to be big for that," he said. "I've been thinking about this since the fight. I don't like the idea of you never growing up, but I'd feel pretty awful if you rejected the band and changed your mind later. Like, if you didn't get what you wanted out of living, then it would be like I ruined your whole life..."
"I guess," I said, then paused in thought. "I might not get what I want out of life even if I live forever, though."
"Yeah. But you have a lot more chances that way, I suppose." Thunderlane closed his eyes and set down the ladle. "Horsefeathers. I hate that this happened. It's not your fault, or anything, but it's a terrible choice to make, and I don't know how to help you."
I flew up and landed on his back for a hug. "It's okay, Bro. Like, if I never got the band, I'd have to go without it, and I'd be fine, wouldn't I? At least this way I get to have a choice at all."
"Foals shouldn't have to think about dying. It isn't right. It's..." His voice trailed off and I felt a sudden tension in his back. I knew exactly what he was thinking.
My voice dropped to a whisper. "Thunder, do you really think Mom put my name in because of Sparklight?"
Thunderlane hugged me back with his wings, then picked me up and set me down. "Of course she did. You were still really young when your older sister passed on, but after Dad died, losing her too... it almost did Mom in. She sent letters to Princess Celestia begging to borrow a collar just long enough to cure her cancer."
"Oh. Does that even work?" I asked him.
"I don't think so, but it didn't stop Mom from trying. That's what moms do, y'know? And maybe Sparklight is why you were chosen. Princess Celestia felt guilty, or something," he said. "It's pointless to guess, though. We'll never know."
My ears drooped. "Right. I guess Mom's scared of losing me too," I said, biting at my lip. "Um, Bro... could I ask you something personal?"
Thunder smiled down at me. "Always, short stuff." He poured some of the stew's broth into a tiny bowl to taste it, then started adding pepper.
I swallowed an empty clot of air. "You said you get to decide whether you have foals or not, so, um... if I really, really wanted you to... would you marry me? Instead of Mom, I mean." I braced myself for disappointment, and I'm sure it showed in my face.
"Oh. Oh gosh, Rumble," said Thunderlane as a deep blush showed in his ears. "Look, guy, you'd be the best frozen foal to care for in the whole world. I'd love to do it, but I just can't take on that kind of responsibility right now. I'm not even ready for a child of my own yet! I'm a 'Bolt, and I wouldn't be able to watch you all the time, and if anything happened to you..."
I nodded my head and clenched my jaw for a moment. "Yeah, I figured. It's okay, it's not your fault."
"I'm sorry. I really wish I could." He turned the heat down even more. "I'd say I could do it later on, but once Mom has you, you'll be hers for life, so I wouldn't have many good years left in me to give you after she's gone."
"It's okay. I love Mom. She'll be great for me, if I decide to do it, I mean," I said. "I know you don't like her as much."
"What? No! I love our Mom, Rumble," he said, and I could tell I hit a nerve. "Why would you say that?"
"Well, you moved out the day you turned seventeen. Literally as soon as you could, you left us," I said.
Thunderlane winced. "I... I needed my space, okay? I'm fine with her now, it's just, you don't know what it was like growing up with her," he whispered, and I could see the pain in his eyes. "When we lost Dad she didn't want to look at me anymore. I reminded her too much of him, I think. After losing Spark, she tried to come back into my life, and I resented it. I spent a lot of time teaching myself how to do stuff so I could grow up, because she wasn't there to teach me herself, then she just waltzes back in and tries to mother me aggressively to make up for lost time, and it was suffocating. I had to get away from that. I just had to."
I bravely held back my emotions, because I felt like crying. "Thunder, I'm real sorry."
He nodded and went back to stirring the stew. "It's okay, though. Mom and I have a great relationship now, minus the recent spat. I love her just as much as you do. I just don't want you to ever suffer through what I had to deal with, especially if you have to do it for the rest of your, well, however many centuries you end up living," he said, glancing back down at me. "Although... I suppose you don't have the same baggage with Mom that I did. You know, you probably remind her of Dad now... you're about the same age I was when Dad passed away..." He got a wistful look in his eyes, and turned his gaze back to the stew.
I sat down on the floor, feeling exhausted. "This is just so weird. Do you know why we have frozen foals in the first place?"
"I'm pretty sure I do," he said, and then he lowered his voice even more as he craned his head down toward me. "It's Princess Celestia. She's totally bonkers."
My eyes widened. "Dude, you're in the military!" I whispered back.
"Hay, I know that, okay? She's amazing, and I respect her all the way. I'd die protecting her, no question about it," he said, his voice defensive. "But she's still crazy after all these centuries. Ponies aren't meant to live that long. She spent hundreds of years all alone, watching everypony she knows die off. That's not a fate I'd wish on anypony. You understand what I'm saying?"
It took a second for me to realize what he was getting at, and then I stood back up. "I get it, yeah."
You don't want me to end up sad and alone like Princess Celestia.
"Frozen foals are the only way she can see consistency from one generation to the next. It makes perfect sense," he said.
I shrugged. "Maybe. If that were true, you'd think she'd get to know us better."
"She probably does. Most frozen foals visit her from time to time, from what I hear. Who knows how well she knows somepony like Cinnamon Tea by now?" he said. "Anyway, the stew is ready. You can go wake Mom from her nap."
I went to wake Mom, and we had a nice, quiet dinner as a family. Emphasis on quiet. The small talk was so awkward and pointless I don't even remember what we discussed.
At least Mom was polite enough to avoid mentioning the elephant in the room in front of Thunder—by which I mean the one choking my skinny colt throat.
I couldn't sleep that night. It almost felt like the band was sucking the life out of me, like a pair of fuzzy hooves from a total stranger trying to strangle me to death. I thought about asking Thunderlane if I could sleep with him, but I knew asking Mom would be a lot less awkward.
I might be a little old for this, I thought, but I still need it.
"Hmm?" Mom said as she roused in the dark.
"Mom... is it okay if I sleep with you tonight?" I asked her from the side of the bed.
"Always," she said cheerfully, and opened the covers. I hopped in next to her. I wanted to cuddle against her warm body, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Fortunately, she took the initiative, and after a swoop of her hoof I there I lay within her legs. "Sweetie, could Mommy... ask you something about your visit with Sweet Pop?" she whispered, her voice tentative.
"I still haven't decided," I whispered back. "I guess I'm leaning toward keeping the band, but I dunno. I know there's a trade-off, but the other frozens seem to be fine with it. I realize I'm not Bro, and I don't have to be like him, but he thinks..." I bit my tongue and winced. I hadn't meant to bring him up, but I wasn't thinking straight.
"It's okay. He loves you, Rumble, just as I do," she said, and gripped me tightly to her barrel. "We just... we didn't always get along when he was young, and it was my fault to be perfectly honest..."
"Yeah. I know," I said. "And I know you both want what's best for me." I hoped that would be the end of it.
I heard a deep sigh, and Mom's legs relaxed slightly. Unfortunately, it felt like her tension fled from her limbs into my barrel. I wasn't looking forward to how she'd take it if I rejected the infinity band.
I was comfortable lying with her, but I couldn't stop thinking in frustration. Do I really have a choice here? What Mom and Thunderlane think of me means so much to me... Why can't they both just...
"Momma Chicken?" came the whisper from above me.
It took me a moment to focus. "What? Ugh, Mom! I'm too old to play Momma Chicken now."
"You're never too old, sweetie," she said, kissing my ears. "Come here."
I paused for a moment, but then I assumed the position: lying face down on the bed with my legs pulled in. Mom mounted me and covered my body with her barrel, then fluffed her wings up against my sides, completely surrounding me with warmth. I could hear her heartbeat fluttering over and over. It was a lot like being in a womb.
"I love my baby chicken," she whispered.
I sighed and relaxed my body, but something tugged at my mind. "Why am I going to be a frozen, Mom? Why is any foal frozen?"
It took her a moment. "Well... I don't know, Rumble. But I don't care, either. I'm just glad you're here with me." She pulled her body more tightly around mine.
Wasn't I too old for this, I wondered? Then it hit me.
If I freeze, I'll never be too old for anything.
The thought terrified me, but the comfort of my mother's wings helped it to fade. It was the first time I ever fell asleep playing Momma Chicken.