Comedic Burst of Funniness

by Lunatic God


Burstin' at the Seams

“Mission debrief?" Noir asked. 

“I'm -shit!- busy right now.” Marine answered. 

“What are you doing?" Celestia asked. 

“Camping." He simply replied. 

“What kind of camping are you doing?" She asked. 

“The kind where I constantly get attacked to keep me on guard at all times.” He said. 

“That's not camping." 

“What do you call it then?" 

“Survival." 

“... Either way, that's what I'm doing." 

“Well, when you're done with that, I need you for guard detail. Debrief at 0330.” She said. 

“Understood,” Marine responded professionally. 

“What about me? All I've done since we got here is clean shop." Proxy complained. 

“We've never had a need for your services, especially since we didn't want to bother you while you selflessly protected my little ponies,” Celestia explained. 

“... Okay, but can I switch with Noir or Marine eventually? I can get bored too, ya know." Proxy asked. 

“I can have arrangements made to identify each instance of you protecting my little ponies as a guard detail.” Celestia offered. 

“I guess so." Proxy sighed. “Just don't forget I can do other stuff." 

“I won't,” Celestia assured her. 

“What the- Proxy, ya missed some of those sons of bi-*static*.” Marine informed her as a couple of gunshots sounded, each followed by a respective grunt of pain before the expected death wail invaded their ears, soon manually cut off for the peace of mind of Celestia. 

“Cleanup detail?" Celestia asked flatly. 

Static sounded for a second before it cut off, signaling that Marine turned the mic back on. “Please," Marine replied. 

“I should assign a whole squad called ‘Cleaning up the big Alien's messes.’” Celestia muttered to herself, which unfortunately transferred over the mic due to her not turning it off. 

“I think ‘Security clean up’ sounds better," Noir commented. 

“What about ‘Planetary Alien Clean up’?” Proxy suggested. 

“That just sounds like everybody hates aliens," Noir said. 

“Everypony.” Celestia corrected. 

“Your highness, everypony encompasses the pony species, and from I can tell, there's much more than just ponies on this planet, so everybody would be all-encompassing without favoring a single species over others.” Noir lectured. 

“So? You're with ponies." Celestia flatly responded. 

“Be that as it may, the Boss, Proxy, and me are human, and I'm not a racist… species-ist? Whatever." Noir said. 

“Fair point. But here, when we speak about another species, we say anycreature, everycreature, etcetera.” Celestia informed him. 

“Hmm. Well, everybody works just fine, so I'm not willing to adapt to a new language because of cultural differences.” Noir told her. 

“I'm not asking you to speak our way to be culturally accepted, I'm asking you to speak our way so that we may better understand you,” Celestia explained. 

“It may also help our public image," Marine commented. 

“I second that." Proxy agreed. 

“... I hate you all." Noir spat. 

“Even me, dearest lime?” Celestia said in a jokingly seductive way. 

“Don't call me a fucking lime.” He threatened. 

“Noted," Celestia replied in a successful tone. “Anyway, back to business. Marine, would you like to take your party and hoof pick a cleanup squad?” Celestia asked. 

Handpicked.” Noir sarcastically added. 

“When?" Marine said, ignoring Noir’s comment. 

“Whenever all three of you are available," Celestia responded. 

“Noir?" Marine called. 

“I can go." He replied. 

“Proxy?" 

“I'll go." She answered. 

“Copy. Princess Celestia, we are available to handpick a cleanup squad anytime within the rest of today." Marine confirmed. 

“Understood. If you begin the trek now, I could have a few of my best Royal Guards ready by the time Marine arrives.” Celestia explained. 

“Copy. We will gather our weapons then make our way to a rendezvous in the…” Marine trailed off, waiting for Princess Celestia to complete his sentence. 

“Throne room is fine." She said. 

“... Throne room. Post haste, soldiers. Marine out." He finished. 

“Understood. Proxy out." 

“I may be a bit delayed since I think I'm the only one whose weapons were taken and stored, but I'll be there. Noir Lime out.” 

“I will meet you there as soon as possible. Princess… Celestia… out?” She said, confused. 

“Call sign Overlord," Marine said. 

“Overlord out. Ooh, that sounds nice." She said that last part to herself. 


Next Day
0700 hours

“I need clean up, and maybe a little -oh sh*static*- help!” Proxy yelled over the mic. 

“Understood, where are you?" Captain Hoofguard, one of their female handpicked squad members, answered. 

“Negative, this is a Usurpation -woah!- executive escort, they got BNGs and the like, you couldn't handle them!” Proxy rejected. 

“With all due respect ma’am, you picked us because we could handle these types of threats. Where are you?” She said with force. 

“I know,  but -Oh god!- this is a fucking Avengers level threat! I'm requesting Marine’s and Noir’s help!” She exclaimed. 

“I'm busy, Proxy. I will assist immediately after my summit with King Thorax in Canterlot Castle." He answered, gaining a concerned look from said king. 

“Same. I'm helping with matters of national security." Noir responded. 

“What's more important than a fucking alien invasion?!” Proxy screamed at Noir. 

“Nothing, just that fact that I Pinkie promised to help with a party.” Noir simply said. 

I don't give a shit! HELP ME!” She screeched over the mic. 

“Fine. Guess I'll just have to ditch her.” Noir sighed. “That'll be fun." 

“Noir will assist you. Good luck, soldiers." Marine stated. 

GET YOUR FAT ASS OVER HERE! I'M GETTING PUMMELED!” She screeched again, loud enough for King Thorax to hear. 

“We can just reschedule.” King Thorax told him. “Go get ‘em, soldier," Thorax said with a soft smile. Marine stare at him for a moment before nodding, raisin his ray gun and raising it while preparing to sprint away.  

“I've been excused, Proxy. Give us your position.” Marine ordered. 

THEY'VE TAKEN OVER THE FUCKING HIVE! OH, GOD!” She was cut off by a huge explosion, effectively cutting off transmissions from her. 

“Wait, the hive? Our hive?” King Thorax asked, a mix of surprise and anger growing on his face. 

“Stay here. We will deal with them. Coordinate with the princesses about living conditions. Tell her not to send the cleanup crew without one of our permission.” Marine ordered, sprinting out of the room immediately after finishing. 

Captain Hoofguard switched her frequency to their personal channel. 

“Alien Special Services, we got a problem!" The unicorn exclaimed, already on the way to the hive, against Proxy’s orders. 

“Why do we have to be called A.S.S.?” Private Lone Feather complained in her usual way. 

“Zip it and listen!” Private Iron Clad hissed, in his jerky/professional way. 

“Badlands Changeling Hive, hostile aliens. Very clear difference from our own. Rendezvous at-” she summarized. 

“Human or pony?" Feather interrupted. 

“Lone Feather, I swear to Celestia-” Iron-Clad spat before Hoofguard continued. 

“You'll do what?” Lone Feather asked. 

“Don't interrupt me, you-”

“Rendezvous two klicks from the battle, and stay hidden until further notice.” She ordered. 

“...Copy. Iron Clad out.”

“Got it. Pegasus out.” Feather chuckled, as if she could feel the growl emitting from Iron Clad right now. 


Post Battle
2 Hours Later

“Handguard, I swear to god-” Proxy started. 

“Don't worry, Proxy. I've taken control of her punishment decisions due to heroic actions that saved your life.” The princess said. 

“But princess, they-” Proxy started again. 

“Ah-ah, no buts." Princess Celestia tutted her in a motherly tone. 

“Goddamn it, princess! They could've died!” Proxy yelled. 

“I know, dear, and she will be court-martialed, but I do not feel right to submit her under your war covered hand,” Celestia said. 

I am their superior! You put them under my command! I am entitled to decide their punishment!” Proxy argued. 

“Technically, I put them under Marine's command.” Celestia corrected. 

You fucking-

“Proxy! That's enough! Drop it!" Marine ordered. 

“Sir, with all due respect-”

“Whatever comes out of your mouth next better be an apology, or I will personally derank you to Iron Clad’s rank,” Marine warned. 

Mother… Fine. I'm sorry.” Proxy admitted. 

“What about me? She did screech at me, too." Noir decided to come in. 

SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU-” Proxy was silenced as Marine removed her from that frequency. 

“That's enough outta you," Marine said. 

“Shall I tell her she’s not allowed to participate in the court martialing of Captain Hoofguard?”

Noir chuckled. “If you do that, she'll beat the shit outta you, whether your a princess or not. She loves to see justice given.” Noir advised the princess. 

“She will be allowed to attend, but not speak." Marine decided. 

“Let's see what she has to say," Celestia said. 

PIG LOOKIN’ ASS HELL SPAW-”

“Yeah, she's not stopping anytime soon. I'll give it an hour. ” Marine said. 

“Understood." Princess Celestia agreed. 

“Should we pick out a replacement captain in the event Handguard is kicked?” Noir asked. 

“You do that. I need to get back to the summit. Marine out.” He said. 

“I guess I'll inform the rest of the cleanup squad. Overlord out." 

“Copy. Noir Lime out." 


Day After Court
0730 Hours

“...Guys?" Hoofguard nervously asked on their personal channel.

“Yes?” The now suspended Iron Clad asked flatly.

“Is Lone Feather here?” Hoofguard inquired meekly.

“Classified.” Iron Clad said.

“Okay… Um…” She hesitated.

“I just… Wanna say I'm sorry.” She said. Iron Clad said nothing.

“I’m sorry that I forced you to go, I’m sorry that I got you suspended, I-I’m-” She paused, tears welling up as she continued to speak.

“I’m sorry I let you guys down! I didn't even do that well, you guys carried me the whole time, and I missed every shot and-” She broke down into tears, her ears flat against her head as her body slumped over, gasps and sobs wracking her desperate body as her speech turned incomprehensible.

“Hoofguard.” Iron Clad said.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” Hoofguard mumbled in between her sobs as Iron Clad listened on, his resolve breaking.

“I… accept your apology.” Iron Clad said. If Hoofguard was with him in person, she would’ve hugged him, but they weren’t allowed together while Iron Clad and Lone Feather were suspended for a month.

“T-Thank you… Thank you s-so much…” She said.

“M-Maybe we could… could m-meet somewhere, not too long, but just-”

“Hoofguard, you know we can’t see each other.” Iron Clad reminded her.

“I-I know…” Her sobs grew louder.

“Listen, I can ask Princess Cadance to shield us for a day to meet, but no more. Surely she would understand.” Iron Clad told her.

“Oh, t-thank you… I-I can't begin to tell you how much I l-love you…” Iron Clad’s eyes widened as she unintentionally revealed their secret. 

“So you're in love?" Lone Feather asked. 

“N-No… Not now… P-Please…” Hoofguard's crying reached an unacceptable level for the old earth pony. 

“Shut up, pegasus. We're dealing with something.” Iron Clad ordered. 

“You're not the boss of me.” Feather rebutted. 

“P-Please… D-Don't tell… I don't wanna l-lose everything…” Hoofguard wept, her sobs turning into wails that assaulted all of their ears. 

“Who says I gotta listen to you?" Feather replied. 

“Goddamn it, pegasus!” Iron Clad stamped a hoof, creating a small crater in his wooden floor from the anger put behind it. 

“Can't you hear the state she’s in? If you tell, she’ll never find work in her profession again!” Iron Clad yelled. 

“W-Well… Umm…" Feather tried to formulate a response, but each was shot down with each gasp of the ex-captain. Instead of speaking, he elected to stay silent. 

“L-Lone Feather out." He stammered as he deafened himself, unable to hear the other ponies, as well as not being able to speak with them. 

“I'll use every tool at my disposal to convince the princess." Iron Clad assured the wailing mare. 

“E-Even illegally?” She asked hopefully. 

“... If it comes to that. Iron Clad out." He deafened too. 

“T-Thank you… Thank you so m-much…” Hoofguard said to nopony in particular. 


“Thank you for meeting with me, Princess Cadence." Iron Clad said with a bow as he watched Cadence smile from her throne. 

Iron-Clad glanced nervously as Noir Lime, who stood beside her throne.

“Umm… can we speak privately?” Iron Clad asked.

“You are dismissed, noir,” Cadence said, glancing at the tall figure.

Noir nodded and slowly exited the room, Iron Clad’s eyes following him until the doors shut behind Noir.

His eyes snapped back to the princess. “I want to ask you a favor.” He asked.

“What do you want?” Cadence asked.

“I… you…” He was unsure about how to start.

“Go on. I won’t judge.” She assured the panicking pony.

“Can you keep a secret?” He blurted out.

“A secret? Sure.” She answered.

Pinkie promise?” He asked, leaning closer slightly.

“...sure.” She said, confused at why he wanted to keep this request such a secret.

“Me and Captai… Hoofguard are in a relationship.” He reluctantly said.

“This surely is a... surprise. But I assume that you’re not asking for my acceptance of this development, correct?” She said, getting a frantic nod.

“I’m worried about her. We spoke over the headset yesterday, and by the end of our talk, and Lone Feathers damn interference, she was wailing.” He explained, putting a concerned look on the princess’s face.

“Is she okay?” Cadence asked.

“She’s fine now only because I promised to speak with you.” He continued. Tears began to well up in his eyes, which was unusual for the normally stone-cold guard.

“I… request that you hold us for a day in secret so that I may calm her fears and prepare her for the lonely month ahead.” He finally said.

“Oh…” She looked down at the crystal floor with a mix of concern and sadness.

“Princess…” He softly called. She looked up at the disheveled earth pony in front of her, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“Please give us this. I told her, and I will tell you that I am willing to meet with her illegally. Please don’t let it come to that.” He said.

Princess Cadence stared into his eyes, watching his conflicted emotions swirl in his love-driven request as she thought about it. As time went by, his resolve whittled away, along with his hope as the princess sat as still as a statue, merely spectating the war of emotion on his face as her own mind was conflicted between appealing to her political or emotional sides.

“Iron Clad.” His ears perked up at his name. “I will accept your request.” His face brightened before she continued.

“On two conditions.” His face slightly darkened, but not enough to break the hope that was visibly flowing through him as he stood.

“One: you stay with her for as long as she loves you.” He quickly nodded.

“Two: if you two end up married, you will tell Marine about this encounter, and I will back you up if he does anything rash.” He hesitated but nodded nonetheless.

“Good. Midnight tonight to midnight tomorrow night.” She told him with a smile. He started to grin ear to ear.

“You’ve got... “ She checked her imaginary watch. “Two hours before I order a castle wide guard congregation.” Her horn began glowing with pink energy. “Don’t be late.” She finished as her magic enveloped the lovestruck guard, teleporting him as close to his marefriend as unsuspiciously as possible.

She smiled dumbly as a thought crossed her mind. ‘That definitely wasn’t on the chart.