Woe is me, woe is me. ‘Tis but torture to be separated from thy Ditzy for so long. Three suns and moons have passed since I gazed into thine eyes last. If only there was a way, for thee to be in my presence once more, so I could correctly portray thy feelings.
Holy crap, it’s hard to talk like that. It’s been three days since I have last seen Ditzy and I have grown lonesome. I expected Luna to pop by, but, so far, no visits. With only me in this huge house, that lonely feeling has been getting more and more bothersome. The only one around to talk to is Wolfgang. Wolfgang is the ostrich. I love that name. How badass is that name? Wolfgang. Sound like a pack of wolfs wrapped into one guy. Wolfgang. Anyway, since Wolfgang can’t really talk, it’s still pretty lonely around here. That reminds me, it’s his feeding time.
I walk outside into the backyard with a sack of ostrich food…hold on; I need to side track real quick. Ponyville has a shop that specifically caters to the needs of ostriches. It services no other pets. No cats, no dogs, no other birds. Just ostriches. To my knowledge, I’m the only one in all of Ponyville who owns an ostrich. How is that place still in business?
Anyway, I walk into the backyard and head towards the stable with the ostrich food. The stable looks almost exactly like a stable for cows and stuff, except the stalls are a bit wider. There is only, like, eight stalls, so it isn’t that big. I open the door using my gluteus maximus because my hands are busy carrying the food. “Hey Wolfy! Got some noms for ya!” As I turn around to face my flightless friend, who else would be there petting him other than Ditzy.
I, of course, do what I always do and stare. She is wearing the uniform of a mail man, well, mail woman. A blue, short-sleeved, button-up shirt with a little patch with the picture of a zooming Pegasus on one of the sleeves, jeans and a satchel hanging around one shoulder. Ditzy turns around and faces me, apparently surprised that someone, perhaps the owner of the stable, would walk in on her. Her face grows red. “Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to barge into your stable. I just saw the ostrich while I was flying delivering mail and it’s not every day you see an ostrich and I wanted to pet it, so I flew down and I startled him, so he ran into here, and I followed him. I’m so sorry! Please don’t call the police!”
Holy flying gumballs, she is adorable when she is all rattled up. I let out a sigh and began walk up to them with a warm smile. “You know, you could always ask to see him.” I walk past Ditzy and up to Wolfgang, keeping my cool pretty well, leading him to one of the stalls. Ditzy is staring at me the whole time. As I close the stall door and put the feed in, she stares.
“Do I know you?”
I put the feed bag down against the wall of the stable and turn to face Ditzy. "You seriously don't remember me?" She shakes her head. I let out a sigh. “Golden Scale, at your service,” I say while giving a little bow. Where was this courage three days ago? She looks at me quizzically. “I attempted to help your daughter find you then you tackled me to the ground three days ago.”
“Oh! You’re that kidnapper!”
‘Yay. She remembers,’ he thought in a monotone. “I thought we settled that I wasn’t a kidnapper?”
“Did we?” She looks at me with those walled eyes, still quizzical. What’s the expression I’m looking for? My heart sank? My heart exploded? My heart exploded and all the pieces sank? Whatever, she was cuter than baby kittens wearing tuxedos in a court room and I fell in love with her… again. Is it possible to fall in love with a woman then fall in love with her again while still in love with her? Fuck it.
“Again, I’m sorry for wasting your time.” Ditzy begins to head for the door.
“Wait!” This is the third time I’ve said ‘wait’ to her and this time it will mean something! “There is something I want to ask you.”
She turns around. “Do you need more furniture?”
“Ye-” My brain mentally punched my mouth in the face. “No. I actually…” Brain is still beating Mouth. “Wanted to ask you…” Brain just stabbed Mouth in the kidney. “If you would like to go to dinner sometime… tomorrow… maybe… with me?” And Brain is victorious! The crowd goes wild! I didn’t notice how red my face was until just then. Luckily for me, Ditzy’s was too. Not as red as mine, but still.
“Sure. I would love to.” Yes! Ditzy takes out a note pad and a pen and starts scribbling something down on it. “Here’s my address and phone number.” Yes yes yes!
She tears out the piece of paper and hands it me. Her penmanship leaves something to be desired but I can‘t complain.
“You can pick me up around six.” She turns to the door and looks back with a smile on her face. “See you tomorrow.” And with that, Ditzy took to the air, flying off to finish delivering mail.
Alright! Finally, I asked Ditzy out! Tomorrow is going to be the best day ever! I danced a little jig with the biggest smile on my face, letting out high pitched squeals of delight. Wolfgang looked at me like “the fuck is he doing?“ I was so excited I almost didn’t notice that there was a flaw in my plan. Where am I going to take her?
Okay, so I spent the rest of yesterday searching Ponyville for a restaurant. I found this one restaurant that was rather nice. Not too fancy, no need to wear a tux. Food was cheap so I could pay for both our meals. They even gave me a sample of their food. Delicious. Now how friendly was that? The restaurant was called Repas du Mamelon. It's foreign. No clue what is says but it sounds nice.
Right now, I am on my way to Ditzy’s house to pick her up. I’m wearing a nice, sky blue, button-up, long-sleeved shirt with black dress pants and shoes. Just because I don’t need to dress fancy doesn’t mean I don’t want to.
The walk was pleasant. The air smelt of autumn and the brown leaves covered the ground. It was nice. I arrived at the Doo residence after a thirty minute walk. Nice little house. Quaint. As I was walking up the walkway to the door, my body began to shiver. My brain began to fight my body.
Maybe this was a bad idea.
What are you talking about Legs? This is what we wanted, right?
I know but I’ m so nervous. Maybe we should leave. I began to turn around.
I will stab you like I did Mouth. I turned to face the door again.
I knocked on the door. A moment later, there was a loud crashing noise from behind it. “Ow.” A few moments later, Ditzy opened the door, rubbing her head. “Hi.” Again, I stared. She was wearing a lovely grey-blue, shoulder less shirt with bubbles on the sides. It fits her quite nicely. She looks so beautiful. I caught myself staring and looked away, with my face turning into a tomato.
“Hey. Is everything all right in there?” I look past her to see into her house. It’s a surprisingly well kept house. I see Dinky on the floor playing with little dolls while an unknown person sits on a chair watching her. She has this curly orange hair. It looks rather nice.
“Oh, it’s nothing. So, are you ready to go?” Dinky looks at the door and notices me. She gets up and runs to the door to greet me.
“Hello, Mister Scales.” I need to use other words than adorable to describe this little girl.
“Hello, Dinky.” I give her a warm smile as I crouch down to her eye level. “How’ve you been?”
“I’ve been fine. Mommy broke a vase though.” Ditzy looks at Dinky with an upset expression. I guess she didn’t want me to know that.
“I hope you don’t mind me taking Mommy out for the evening.”
“It’s fine, but you better not let anything happen her.”
“Guard’s honor.”
“Well we better get going,” Ditzy interrupted us. “Thanks again for babysitting Carrot Top.”
The woman in the chair waves her hand. “No problem. You kids have fun now.”
Ditzy waves to her friend and kisses her daughter on the cheek. “Bye.”
And with that we begin walking to our destination. Walking side by side with a pretty woman. This is nice.
“So, where are we headed?”
“We are going to a little restaurant call Repass do Mammilon.”
“You mean Repas du Mamelon?”
“I see you speak foreign.”
“No, I just go there often. They have really great food.”
“So I noticed.”
We spend the rest of the walk there in silence.
Upon entering Repas du Mamelon, we are greeted by a man in tuxedo behind a podium. “Hello, and welcome to Repas du Mamelon. Do you have a reservation?”
It took me a second to realize he was asking me something; I was too distracted by his moustache.
“Uhh, yes. Two under Scale, I believe.”
He skims through the papers on the podium looking for my name.
“Ah, yes. Right this way.”
He leads us to a table not far from the door. The tables were crafted expertly out of mahogany. There’s a lot of things made out of mahogany here in Ponyville. As we take our seats, the man hands us some menus.
“The waiter will be with you shortly.”
We sit in silence, browsing our menus as he leaves to attend another couple that just walked in.
It was me who broke the silence first. “So you’ve been here before? What do you recommend?”
Ditzy looks up from her menu “I usually just order whatever the specials are. Otherwise, I just get spaghetti.” Silence.
“Being a mail woman seems like a nice occupation. How is it?”
“It’s a fun job. Well, not all the time. I sometimes get addresses messed up and deliver the wrong mail to people. Whenever I do, people call me names.” Aww. “They usually call me Derpy Hooves.”
“Hooves?”
“Yeah. Probably because I’m so clumsy.”
This is the second time I’ve seen Ditzy sad and this time, I’m going to do something about it. “You shouldn’t listen to them. They’re just jerks. You’re clumsiness is something I like about you.” I give her a big smile. This seems to make Ditzy’s mood lighten up a bit.
“Anyway, what job do you have?”
“Well, not to brag, but I was a high ranking member of the Royal Guard.” I notice her eyes glisten.
“Wow! That must be so cool! Wait… you said you were a member. So you’re not anymore?”
“Nope.”
“Why? Were you fired?”
“No, I wasn’t fired. I took an early retirement.”
“Why would you do that?”
“Have you heard of the name ‘Slurry Slaughter‘?”
Ditzy gets a confused look on her face. “I vaguely remember it. Who is he?”
“Slurry Slaughter was the name given to the serial killer who became famous in Canterlot.” Her eyes widen. “There’s no need to worry anymore though, because I stopped him and for stopping him, I received a large reward.”
Ditzy’s eyes get even wider. “You stopped a serial killer!?” She leans forward. “You have to tell me how!”
“I guess I can tell you. It all started when-” I was interrupted by the entrance door bursting open and the sound gunfire.
Author's Note: Sup everypony. I'm back from vacation. I wanna thank my editor, f0xhole, for doin' what he do. And thank you for reading.