“Sir,” the barkeep’s gruff voice cut across the table’s good natured revelry like a physical blow, “We run a respectable establishment. I don’t know what you’re relationship with this filly is, and I don’t care, but we don’t serve booze to foals, and I think it might be best if you leave.”
“You did not just call me a foal.” It was more of an accusation than a question as the diminutive, translucent, pink mare jumped onto the table with a scowl.
“Dammit Lily!” The lanky cyan stallion pushed his shaggy deep blue mane aside casually with a hoof and glared at his small partner. “We’ve had this talk. No stabbing the barkeep for thinking you’re a filly. I mean, your short… incredibly cute… I can’t state that enough, please don’t stab me… and you insist on wearing that ridiculously short school filly outfit, that I can totally see straight up the skirt of when you stand on the table like that… not that I’m saying you should stop, mind…”
“Dammit, Charlie, I have exactly ONE line. Just ONE! And he crossed it!” The little pony raged. “I am not a filly and I am not a short leg. And that’s just one little line.” The little pony glared murderously at the hapless barkeep. “Just one, mister bad at his job of serving me drinks. Just. One. Little. Line. Can you count to one mister? It’s easy, you just say ‘one’ then you stop!”
“Razzberry Pastel,” a harsh voice interrupted “You are under arrest for high treason.”
“And speaking of things you can call a pony if you have corpse ambitions…” The tall blue pony rolled his eyes. “The name’s Iam Selrahc Noone. And honestly, I won’t commit treason for at least a couple of hundred years. Not my fault, seriously, that is totally not my fault. I blame Tempus for scrambling the time stream.”
“Whatever you call yourself,” the scowling blue and green stallion scowled, “You couldn’t think you could hide forever.”
“Who said I was hiding?” The cyan earthbound pony smirked as the small mare at his back suppressed a giggle. “But please, by all means monologue. I suppose I was ‘betrayed’ by one of my so called ‘friends’.”
“Arkadium, you can come in now.” The stallion smirked, and a non descript unicorn mare entered behind him. “You really don’t inspire loyalty. All it took to get her to give you up was just one little caveat…”
“Let me guess,” Iam chuckled, “She gets to make the kill… Well alright, you caught me. Let’s make a go at it. Me and Lily, versus you and… Whatsherface…”
“The hard way then?” The stallion grinned wide. “You should take note of the lady’s name. She’s going to be the one to end you, after all.”
“Got a secret gonna keep it, swear this one you’ll save…” Lilly sang sweetly as a blade emerged through the front of the stallions skull.
“You get to make the kill.” Iam nodded grimmly as he wiped the spattered blood from his stein. “Thank you once again for bringing this bounty hunting scum to our attention, my dear Whatserface.”
“Always a pleasure, Mister Noone.” The utterly generic pony shifted in appearance to a pale, emmanciated, scarfaced mare.
“Here’s some gold for the mess my good po- … GODS IN HELL, LILY!” Iam Noone cursed angrily. “I literally just told you not to stab the barkeep! Like just now!”
“I’m sorry, Charlie” The little pink ghost pony kicked her hoof dejectedly. “It’s just… Whatserface stabbed that stupid pony whose name I’m never going to even try to remember, and that reminded me how much I like stabbing, and then I got that itch that you can only scratch with a good round of stabby-stabby…
“I too have felt the itch.” Whatserface nodded sagely.
“Ah hell, I can’t stay mad at you,” Iam laughed warmly, “Well, at least there weren’t any witnesses. Might as well go ahead and loot the place before the somepony else shows up. Whatserface, put up the closed sign and latch the door.”
“Good idea Charlie.” Lily nodded with great enthusiasm. “I’m way less sociopathic if my motive was robbery!”
“I am 100% sure that’s how that works,” Iam replied cheerfully as he stuffed bottles of booze into a bag of holding.
-=-=-=-=-
“Lily…” The dishevelled cyan earth bound pony rubbed the back of his head absently with one hoof. “We need to talk…”
“Is this about the tavern we just robbed?” The small pink mare smiled widely. “Because I thought that went pretty well. No witnesses, positive income, you got booze, I see exactly zero problems…”
“It’s not about the robbery, Lily,” Iam sighed, “It’s about your self image.. You know me and Whatserface take you seriously, right?”
“Yeah, I’m totally not a murderous sidekick who everyone sees as a child.” The small pony nodded with enthusiasm.
“Yeah… that…” Iam smiled sheepishly. “You’re not that… at all. And me and Whatserface…”
“Mostly Mister Noone,” the scarred mare interjected.
“Yes… well WE,” Iam continued with a glare at his shapeshifting associate, “Well we’re worried you...kinda obsess… a lot… and maybe… MAYBE… kinda feed your own insecurities… in that respect…”
“What are you getting at Charlie?” The ghost pony’s voice took on a dangerous edge.
“Well… it’s just…” The stallion stammered nervously.
“You dress and act like a child and become violently enraged when you are mistaken for the child you are dressing and acting like.” The scared doppel mare replied flatly.
“What? I like this outfit!” The not-filly snarled. “Charlie thinks it’s cute! Back me up here Charlie!”
“The cute outfits aren’t the problem…” Iam smiled half-heartedly. “You just murdered the barkeep for mistaking you for a filly. Like, less than an hour ago. That JUST happened.”
“So? You murder ponies all the time!” Lily argued, “Nine Hells! Whatserface’s whole job is murdering ponies! She just murdered somepony too! I just kinda got caught up in the murder moment! I thought you said you weren’t mad!”
“No one is angry with you, Lily,” Iam spoke in soothing tones.
“I am a little angry,” Whatserface interjected, drawing glares from her companions, “I liked that tavern. Do not look at me like that. Now I have to find a new tavern.”
“To be fair to Lily, we probably wouldn’t be welcome back anyway after you murdered that bounty hunter.” Iam chuckled.
“Two of us can shape shift and Lily wasn’t involved in THAT stabbing.” The doppel mare huffed.
-=-=-=-=-
“Wow, no wonder you lost your movie day privileges,” Pinkie Pie giggled as she munched her popcorn, “How are even still allowed to teach at this school, again?”
“It helps that I’m close personal friends with the new head mare,” Discord smirked.
“The Great and Powerful Guidance Counselor Trixie can confirm that friendship is indeed a great and powerful means to keep one’s job,” Trixie said with a grin.
“And to be fair, to me of course, the film I showed the students was about much less evil ponies of Everglow,” Discord said in his own defense.
“So, you’re gonna keep up his whole schtick to make the story technically set in Equestria huh?” Pinkie asked the author directly.
Yes, Pinkie Pie. Yes I am.