Chapter Twenty-Three
Choices Made
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When she was in high school, Rainbow’s grandfather had died. She had always liked him, but he lived in another town and so they usually only saw each other on holidays. She remembered the last time she had seen him, on Thanksgiving. They laughed about how they’d see each other again for Christmas, and then in between, he’d had a heart attack.
Rainbow had gone to the hospital with her parents afterwards, and she had seen his body. It had given her a lot to think about. About her grandfather, about her relationship with him, about mortality, about seeing her dad crying so openly, about the bonds of family.
Then she moved on with her life. A little sadder than before. Holidays felt a little emptier. But she was a teenager, and he had never been in the best of health. She had always heard about the five stages of grief, but she couldn’t relate at all. For Rainbow, her grandfather’s passing was always something she accepted, from the moment her mom told her about it.
But even as her life continued, she thought about that day. Not all the time. But sometimes at night, she’d lie in bed and think about the last time she’d seen her grandfather. It was the first and last time she had seen a dead body, and it had given her a lot to think about.
Another thing she’d always heard was people looked like they could be sleeping when they were dead. It made sense. She’d seen people sleeping, and sometimes they could be really still.
But she didn’t think that about her grandfather. He didn’t look like he was sleeping, he looked like he was dead. Maybe it was just because she knew he was, but there was no feeling that he might get up at any moment, no thought that he might roll over. There was a stillness to him that was beyond sleep.
Fluttershy looked like that now. There was a recurring beep that informed Rainbow and everyone else in the room that she was still alive, but that was it. To Rainbow, she looked so much like her grandfather had. A stillness beyond sleep.
There were some things that were just impossible to get used to. It was the third time that Rainbow was standing over Fluttershy while she was unconscious on a hospital bed, and it was even more horrifying than the first two.
The first time, she had been in shock. But even when it took Fluttershy a week to wake up, Rainbow had never lost faith. Fluttershy would wake up. The world would not take her best friend from her. That just wasn’t how things worked.
The second time had been the easiest. It had been terrifying, of course, but Fluttershy was only out for twenty minutes. And that time, she really had looked just like she was sleeping.
This time, everything felt different.
“Shy, please…” Rainbow wiped away her tears. “I can’t do this without you…”
She had said it so much, and she wasn’t even sure why. It wasn’t like Fluttershy could hear her. But if she said nothing, if she did nothing, then she was just sitting by while Fluttershy lay there, looking still beyond sleep.
So she pleaded. Time and again, she asked Fluttershy to come back to her. Even if her words fell on deaf ears, even if there was nothing she could do to help, she pleaded as if that would be what brought Fluttershy back to her.
No one else said anything. Maybe they knew Rainbow needed to try. Maybe they were desperate enough to hope it could work. Maybe they just didn’t have the words to tell her it was pointless. The others were there, and they did nothing to stop her.
“Wake up, Shy. Come back to me…”
The door behind them opened up, but Rainbow didn’t look. Not when she heard the footsteps, not when she heard the voice. “We’ll need some of you to wait in the waiting room.”
“What?” Rainbow said meekly. It took another moment for the words to sink in, then she finally turned away from Fluttershy.
“I’ll go,” Flash said. “Everyone else here is probably closer to Shy.”
“I’ll go too,” Gilda said. “Dash should stay.”
“How many people can wait in here with her?” Windfall asked.
“No,” Rainbow said. “No! Shy needs all of us! We’re her family!”
Everyone looked at Rainbow, but it was Lighting who walked up to her. She put her hand on Rainbow’s shoulder, then changed her mind and pulled her into a hug. “Dash, Shy needs to rest… We’re all worried about her, but… we’re not doing her any favors, you know?”
“No.” Rainbow shook her head and felt tears welling up again. “No, we can’t just leave her, she’s going to wake up and we all need to be here when she does.”
“Dash…” Lemon Zest gave her a pitying look. “You’re the one who needs us… How about me and Dust stay with you?”
Rainbow shook her head. “But Shy…”
There was a noise from behind Rainbow, and all eyes turned to look. Just a little murmur, but Rainbow filled with hope.
She took hold of Fluttershy’s hand and bent over the bed to be as close to her as she could. “Fluttershy? Can you hear me?”
“Rain…bow…?”
Rainbow couldn’t help but let out a sob in relief, her tears falling on her hands clutching Fluttershy’s. “Shy… you’re awake…”
“Mmm…” Fluttershy blinked a few times, and her eyes pointed in Rainbow’s direction without seeming to focus.
The doctor walked through the crowded room to get to Fluttershy. He spoke directly and clearly. “Can you hear me?”
“Yes…”
The doctor asked questions that Fluttershy answered to the best of her ability. Even if she was conscious again, she still sounded very out of sorts. They established things like her ability to move all her limbs and how her vitals were.
“I’ll give you all some time together,” the doctor said as he finished. “But we really don’t want to crowd Miss Fluttershy right now.”
He left, and everyone immediately made their way to Fluttershy’s side. They all must have had the same questions, but no one spoke at first.
Eventually it was Lemon Zest that broke the silence. “So… how are you feeling?”
“Shitty,” Fluttershy grumbled, then she smiled at everyone. “But I’m glad you’re all here.”
“You know, we’re all here if there’s anything you need to talk about,” Windfall said.
“I know.” Fluttershy closed her eyes. “I’m just glad to be here right now though.”
“Let’s lay off the heavy discussion for now,” Rainbow suggested. “Right now, all that matters is that Shy’s safe.”
“And that nothing like this happens again,” Lightning said. “So what do we need to do, Shy? Just say the word, and we’ll fix it.”
Fluttershy’s eyes were half-lidded and she looked like she might fall back asleep at any moment. “I… I need to be on the tour.” Fluttershy’s eyes shot open. “The tour! You shouldn’t be here.”
Rainbow bowed her head, knowing that Fluttershy wouldn’t like what she had to say.
With a sigh, Gilda broke the news. “We cancelled the show. Figured we could add a stop in this city on the end of the tour to make up for it.”
Fluttershy groaned. “You shouldn’t have done that…”
Rainbow bowed her head. “How do you expect us to play when you’re in here? Just think about how we would feel if you died while we were playing a show!”
Fluttershy reached out to brush her hand against Rainbow’s cheek. “I’m sorry.”
“Let’s not give her a hard time tonight,” Lemon Zest said softly.
Of course, Lemon Zest was right. Rainbow knew that. But now that Fluttershy was awake, Rainbow couldn’t help it. She was angry. She didn’t want to be, she knew Fluttershy didn’t need that right now, but she was. She shook her head and looked up with tears in her eyes, holding back the anger as much as she could. “This was on purpose, wasn’t it?”
Fluttershy pulled her hand back, but she didn’t answer.
“I saw the pill bottle. What were they, Shy?”
Fluttershy closed her eyes. “Sleeping pills.”
Lightning put her hand on Rainbow’s shoulder. “That’s enough, Dash.”
Rainbow just brushed it off. “Did you even think about us? About me? About what we would feel like when we found you?”
“Yes…” Fluttershy muttered. “I just… I wanted to stop hurting. I’m tired, Dashie. I’m so tired…”
“Let her rest for now, Dash,” Gilda said harshly.
Fluttershy looked up at Rainbow. “I regretted it, though. As soon as I took all those pills, before I passed out. I thought about you and everyone, and…” Fluttershy blinked a couple times as tears formed in her eyes. “I wanted to stay with you.”
Rainbow took hold of Fluttershy’s hands. “Just… don’t do that again…”
Fluttershy gave a few short sharp nods.
The door behind them opened, and a nurse stepped in. “We’re gonna need to ask you all to clear the room. Now that the patient’s awake, we have some tests we’d like to run.”
“They can’t stay?” Fluttershy asked meekly.
“Afraid not. At least not everyone.”
The group talked amongst themselves and decided that Rainbow and Lemon Zest would wait behind while everyone else cleared out. They didn’t go back to the hotel, though; they waited in the waiting room, deciding to take turns with Fluttershy.
Everyone filed out, including the nurse. He said he’d be back with the doctor, so it was briefly just the three of them.
Rainbow pulled up a chair to sit beside Fluttershy, but Lemon Zest remained standing. She shifted nervously on her feet, before finally asking, “Uhm, is this my fault?”
“Oh, Zesty, no…” Fluttershy gave a weak smile. “This had nothing to do with you.”
Lemon Zest looked unsure. “Then why now…?”
Fluttershy turned away. “I was… afraid. Of going back to Everton, of not being needed by anyone anymore.”
“Shy, we still need you,” Rainbow said. “You’re our friend. You’re my sister. How could you ever think we’d be okay without you?”
“It just felt like you didn’t want me around.” Fluttershy stared at the ceiling. “Like I was just a burden to everyone these days.”
“That’s not true,” Lemon Zest said. “We really thought taking some time off would be good for you.”
“Maybe it would be, but…” Fluttershy shook her head. “I just can’t. I need to be doing something, I… I need to be with you all.”
Rainbow searched for something to say, but the doors opened and the doctor and nurse came back in. Not wanting to talk about sensitive topics in front of them, she and Lemon Zest just moved out of their way.
Rainbow watched, thinking of how frail Fluttershy looked. Thinking of how close they had come to losing her. She was alive, but if things had happened just a little bit differently… They told her if she had landed on her back when she fell, then she might have wound up drowning in her own vomit when her body rejected the pills she took.
And there was part of Rainbow who couldn’t help but keep remembering the way her grandfather looked. The way Fluttershy had looked. Sure, she was moving around now, but it was hard to shake that memory of how still she had been, hard to feel confident that she’d be okay after something like that.
She felt a hand wrap around hers and looked over at Lemon Zest. One look was all it took to tell that she wasn’t the only one with those thoughts. Fluttershy was her sister, but she wasn’t the only one who felt like that these days. The band was their family, and that family had been shaken.
Rainbow cupped her hand around Lemon Zest’s and hoped that somehow things could someday be normal again.
“How’s it feel to be back?” Rainbow asked.
Fluttershy leaned on Rainbow as they walked, still feeling ill even a day later. But somehow, she still smiled. “It feels good. I’m glad to be back.”
They walked through the backstage area. The hospital had been reluctant to let her go, but they had been adamant – the band wasn’t leaving without her, and they couldn’t miss another show.
Rainbow helped Fluttershy to a chair, which she sat down in. She seemed exhausted, but she still smiled. She was always smiling, ever since she got out of the hospital.
Rainbow sat down beside her, and Fluttershy gave her a strange look. “You have a soundcheck to do.”
“In a minute,” Rainbow said. Something told her to stay by Fluttershy’s side right now, although she wasn’t sure what. The others were all getting ready for the soundcheck, so it was just the two of them.
“You don’t have to worry about me,” Fluttershy said with a smile. “I’ve made my choice.”
“What do you mean?”
“To live,” Fluttershy said. “To stay with you. I chose this.”
Rainbow wasn’t exactly sure that was true, but she liked the fact that Fluttershy was feeling dedicated to fighting. “We’re going to need to change things.”
“Yes,” Fluttershy said. “We are, aren’t we?”
“I talked to the band. We all agreed no more alcohol backstage.”
Fluttershy nodded slowly. “I think… I think that sounds good.”
“And… Well, Short Fuse suggested it, and we all agreed… When we get back to Everton after the tour, maybe you should use that time to try some therapy.”
Fluttershy turned away, then sighed. “Yeah. You’re probably right. After the tour, I’ll look into it.”
Rainbow shifted uncomfortably. “It’s just, you know, none of us are experts.”
Fluttershy nudged Rainbow lightly. “I said I’ll do it, Dashie. But I understand.”
Rainbow smiled, happy that at least some good might come from this. “Hey, Shy?”
“Yeah?”
“You know we all love you, right?”
Fluttershy leaned against Rainbow. “Don’t tell me you’re going soft on me.”
Rainbow laughed, then put her arm around Fluttershy. “Just for you.”
Fluttershy took a deep breath and sighed, though she didn’t seem unhappy. “I love you too. All of you.”
“So what do we do from here?”
“Well, you go do your soundcheck, and I call around to try and schedule a replacement concert for the one you all cancelled.”
Rainbow shook her head. “Not just that. Like… how do we, you know, pick up the pieces?”
Fluttershy was quiet for a moment, then she said, “With help from each other.”
Rainbow nodded, then stood up. “Guess we better get to work.”
Fluttershy was already pulling out her phone. “Yeah.”
Rainbow took a step away, then stopped. She turned back to Fluttershy. “Hey, Shy… you’ll tell me if you feel like doing something like that again, right?”
Fluttershy rolled her eyes. “Yes, Dashie.”
“I’m serious!”
“So am I.” Fluttershy pushed herself up, even though she looked unsure on her feet. She stumbled just a bit as she took a step towards Rainbow. “I’ll talk about it more.”
“I just want you to be happy again.”
Fluttershy shook her head. “You know I haven’t been happy for a long time, right?”
“I know.” Rainbow bowed her head, then lifted it with a smile. “But hey, if anyone’s awesome enough to make you happy again, it’s me, right?”
Fluttershy giggled. “Definitely. Until then, it’s just one day at a time. Just like it’s always been.”
Rainbow really wanted Fluttershy to live life more than one day at a time, but she realized that she couldn’t expect that for some time. “Yeah. Sounds good.”
Fluttershy hugged Rainbow, and when she spoke, her voice was filled with uncertainty. “Uhm, can we talk later? About… Sunset, and Sky, and just… everything I’ve been feeling?”
It was always a short conversation when Sunset came up, and Sky never came up. Rainbow hugged Fluttershy tightly, knowing she wouldn’t speak about them lightly. “Of course we can.”
Fluttershy nodded and pulled away. “Thanks, Dashie. Now go get to work.”
Rainbow grinned. “Yes, ma’am.”
She took a step away, but she was stopped by Fluttershy’s voice. “Love you, Dash.”
Rainbow had never been comfortable telling anyone she loved them, even her parents. But if this experience had taught her anything, it was that she needed to get comfortable with things like that. “Love you too, Shy.”
Fluttershy waved her off and returned to her seat, where she focused on her phone. Rainbow turned to head out to the others, but she was stopped once again by Fluttershy.
“Uhm…” Fluttershy stood up again and put away her phone, following after Rainbow. “I think the calls can wait a little. I’d rather watch your soundcheck. You know, like we used to do when you were first starting out.”
Rainbow grinned, remembering that first tour. Fluttershy had insisted she be there for every single soundcheck. “Sounds good.”
She helped Fluttershy as far as the stage, where the others all lit up when they saw her. “Hey, Shy!” Windfall said with a grin. “Good to see you up and about.”
Lemon Zest hopped off her seat and made her way out from behind the drum set to run up to Fluttershy. “Should you be here, though? I mean, I’m happy to see you, but shouldn’t you be resting?”
Gilda nudged Lemon Zest out of the way to put her arm around Fluttershy. “Nah, Shy’s tough!”
Fluttershy giggled. “I just want to watch.”
“Shy!” Lightning Dust called from the crowd. She was standing there with Flash. “Get your ass over here already so they can fucking start!”
Fluttershy beamed and waved at them. Flash made his way to the stage and gave her an arm to lean on as she made her way into the crowd.
Rainbow looked around at her band. “So we ready?”
“Yeah, let’s do it,” Windfall said. He passed Rainbow her guitar, and she slung it over her shoulder.
Gilda played a few notes on her bass, then Rainbow took her spot between her and Windfall as Lemon Zest ran back behind her drum set. “We all ready?”
Rainbow flashed her a thumbs up, so Lemon Zest tapped her drumsticks together to count them in. Rainbow looked out at the crowd and saw Fluttershy was sitting in between Flash and Lightning Dust. They both seemed more interested in Fluttershy than the band.
But Fluttershy? She was beaming directly at Rainbow. Their first fan, their manager, their friend, and their sister. Fluttershy’s voice would never be the loudest when she cheered them on, but she would always be the most important.
Rainbow grinned, stepped up to the microphone, and she started to play.