Dear Princess Celami,
The Not-Gun of Fixiness worked way better than expected. Bug number one (Anon named him Juan) agreed to be our test subject if he was allowed to go free. The magical fixy bullet phased into his chest and made him glow for a few seconds. I then offered him an apple, which he ate without throwing up. It worked.
Juan is now a very happy boy. He has requested permission to tell his hive about the fun of being a winner, so you will soon receive a release form pending approval from yourself and Luna. In my personal opinion, the danger of freeing a single changeling is negligible when you consider the good that would come from pacifying even a small portion of an aggressive hive. I also need an excuse to shoot more changelings, so it’s a win-win in my book.
Bug number two was a massive dickwad that didn’t want to eat cool foods like pizza and ice cream. He kept trying to bite me through the bars, so I “forgot” my promise to Stu and fired at him. It seems the magical fixy bullets stop being magical and fixy if the target isn’t willing, so it just fired a normal, non-fixy bullet. We cleaned up the cell, don’t worry. I still consider this a win for science.
Stu was talking to Juan at the time, so he didn’t see. I told him the other bug was transferred to another facility a few days ago. He believed me because he’s Stupid.
I also ran a few basic tests on Juan, and it seems he has none of Stu’s allergies. That rules out the possibility of it being genetic. Stu’s nerdy name is the only valid explanation. You did this to him.
Your purple pesticide,
Twyklon B