//------------------------------// // Pfft, who needs gravity? Fuck gravity! // Story: Man vs wild vs ponies // by wariyoshi //------------------------------// “Now,” Bear said as he turned to the camera, “if you come across a queen bee, you don’t wanna attack her, you just wanna negotiate with her. You do, but I don’t. Because I’m Bear Grylls, and I served in the British Special Forces” Chrysalis rolled her eyes, “Captain, shut him up” The captain nodded with an evil grin, regurgitated some sort of mucus-like substance, and stuck it in Bear’s mouth, “He won’t be talking after this, Ma’am” Bear swallowed it, grinning, causing Rainbow to gag, “Will you eat anything?” Bear smiled adventurously, “I’ve eaten everything” “What!? That doesn’t even-” Rainbow started. The queen interrupted, “Silence, fools! You. Rainbow one. Who is this? What is this? Why are you here? Elaborate” “I will speak on the rainbow weasel’s behalf” Bear said as he stood in front of Rainbow. Chrysalis giggled a little, “Weasel?” Rainbow blushed, “Just ignore it” Bear started to pace around nonchalantly, “Well then, queen bee, I would love to answer your questions. I really would, honestly! But I’m too busy destroying your base. Bye!” He tore out of his binds effortlessly and started beating down the changeling guards, who screamed in unison, “Protect the queen!” Bear held one of them in a head lock, “Oh, she’ll get hers, no worries, Friends” He grabbed Rainbow, slung her over his shoulder, and started to dash (Ha, get it? Rainbow? Dash? Lawl) away. Thousands of changelings swooped down and attempted to grab him, but he dodged them all, and made his way into the catacombs. “This is your fault! What are we even doing here!?” she screamed as the horde continued after them. Bear turned one of the changeling’s insect guts into jump rope and started jumping with it as he ran from them, “You’ll see” Bear took out a roll of duct tape and constructed a smoke bomb, “Is there anything you can’t make with duct tape!?” “Duct tape is the most important substance in the universe” Bear answered seriously. He ducked into a small compartment on the left side and waited for all the changelings to pass, “Well, we lost them” “Uh, B-Bear?” Rainbow stuttered as she stared in front of them, wide-eyed. He turned to face what she was looking at and smiled, “Oh, this is perfect” A metric ton of explosives was piled into this tiny room that they had hidden in. Bear grabbed all of them at once; duct taped them together, and slung it over his shoulder. Rainbow sighed, “We’re blowing up the entire hive?” Bear smiled, “You guessed it! Man, you weasels are a sharp bunch” They ran up the tunnels, even though it would be impossible for any normal man to carry that amount of explosives, or even fit them all in the tunnel. Fortunately for Rainbow, he’s not just any normal man; he’s Bear Grylls and he just served in the British Special Forces. As Bear sprinted toward the exit, a crowd of changelings stood in his way, and as he arrived, another crowd came from behind him; he was trapped! “Aha! We have you now, you stupid Bear!” the captain called out, causing Bear to laugh, “What’s so funny!? We have you captured!” “The thing is, Friends, I’m not fighting alone. Honey badger, come to my aid!” he called out of the cave. (Fluttershy’s cottage) The honey badger was out playing with his children. His wife looked on happily, and came by to join in. He happily nuzzled her and looked deep into her eyes, smiling his friendly smile. Suddenly, off in the distance, he heard a summoning of himself. The fires of hell burned in his heart as his urge to kill consumed him. With a battle-crazed look in his eye, he turned away from all he held dear and roared a mighty roar, shattering Fluttershy’s windows instantly. He ran off somewhere into the wilderness, leaving his terrified family behind. “Oh Rosie,” the honey badger wife sighed to herself in her little animal language, “why do you always go for the bad boys?” (The hive) The changelings laughed, “What!? A honey badger!? Ha! We will take him along with the both of you!” “Honey badger don’t give a shit, honey badger badass” Bear said, grinning. They all heard a low rumbling sound, like a stampede of warhorses growing louder and louder, “W-what is that!?” Bear started duct taping explosives to the walls, “That would be the honey badger” The changelings started to consider breaking ranks, “Stand your ground, everyling! Stand your ground and fight to the death for your queen!” They saw trees being toppled effortlessly on the creature’s way to the hive. Some shivered, and wondered if they would ever see their friends again. Soon, the monster in question burst from the foliage and started to maul the changelings, causing the captain to scream, “Attention! Everyling in the hive! Attack! Attaaack!” Soon, the entire hive, with queen chrysalis in the back gathered to help their kin beat back the enemy. Their attempts were in vain, as the honey badger tore into the creatures with ruthless efficiency. Changelings charging at him resembled sacrifices being set out for a foreign pagan god as they were smashed into the dust, guts flying everywhere in a sickening display. Changeling magic blasted him, but it did nothing. The screams of his victims echoed throughout the cave as the less loyal cried out for mercy and attempted to flee. He killed all who fled first, continuing on with the battle-crazed berserkers next. Meanwhile, Bear hummed as he set up explosives all around. The changelings were too shocked at what was happening to notice that he was setting them. A changeling flew over Rainbow’s head and literally shattered on the wall next to her in a gruesome display, “B-Bear!? Are we safe with that…thing here!?” He nodded, “I played yahtzee with a honey badger, once. We’re cool” She grimaced as she saw one of the smashed changeling corpses twitch in a similar manner to how insects you step on twitch to signify that they’re alive, but breathing their last breaths, “I think I’ll need therapy after this” (High above Everfree forest) The pilot of a plane sighed, “No, Shara, we are not casting Man Woman Wild again, that was just terrible” “Please please please please pleeeaaase!?” she begged him. He rolled his eyes, “NO! It’s not even in my authority to let you! You weren’t even supposed to come onto this flight, the director just let you!” “When can I jump!?” she asked as she hung loosely off the side of the airplane. The co-pilot stared at her, wide-eyed, “You’re not even wearing a parachute, Shara! Get back in here!” She sat on the plane’s wing, “What!? I can’t hear you over the plane’s engine! Speak louder! You’ve got to learn to enunciate!” “That’s not even physically possible! You’re sitting on the fucking wing! Get your arse in here, NOW! That’s an order!” he shouted at her. “Bye!” she shouted as she jumped down cheerfully. He sighed, “Well then, we’re fired” The pilot face palmed, “Yep. If I find work, I’ll tell you if they need a co-pilot” “Weee!” she shouted as she plummeted toward the ground. (The hive) The honey badger pulled a changeling apart with a terrifying roar that deafened his enemies and shook the cave. Born to be martyrs for the cause, changelings threw their bodies at him in a desperate attempt to buy their queen seconds more among the living. They attempted to bite into him, but his fur seemed to be impenetrable, as their teeth shattered in their attempts to bite him. Foam started to run from the honey badger’s mouth alongside drool. As soon as it touched any of the changelings, they caught fire somehow. It started to fizzle and glow slightly on the ground, signifying that it was an extremely powerful acid. The honey badger finished with almost all of the worker changelings and made his way to the soldiers, which were the ones guarding the queen. Bear was running out of explosives to set as well. Bear fought back tears as he mixed some of his precious urine with some nitroglycerin and poured it onto the ground, “S-such a waste of good urine” Rainbow rolled her eyes, “You’re not real” (Fluttershy’s cottage) Fluttershy walked around the cottage in amazement, “Wh-what do you think could have caused all this, honey badgers? Was it your husband?” The female slowly nodded, causing Fluttershy to sigh and pet her gently, “There there, it’s not his fault, it’s Bear’s. I need to talk to him about this” (Above the Everfree forest, falling) Shara smiled brightly as she descended on the forest. She didn’t grab a parachute because she didn’t think she needed it. It was only a small drop, the ground would wait for her to slow down before it let her land. Regardless, all she could think about was her husband. The producer had been doing all sorts of weird things to her lately, grinding on her and kissing her neck and stuff. She didn’t think Bear would mind, so she wasn’t going to tell him. She still wanted to see him, though. She pulled out some glue and started drinking it. Bear always told her that eating glue was bad for her, but what did he know? If you weren’t meant to drink glue, then why was there a little nozzle for you to drink out of on the top of the bottle? Ha! Not so smart now, are you Bear? (The hive) The last of her majesty’s royal guard were falling, trying desperately to defeat this unforeseen menace. If they had known that this would happen, they would have never let Bear enter the cave. They should have shooed him out or something, so it was their fault for not protecting the queen. They knew that the queen would surely send them to hell for this, because they were bad changelings. The honey badger snarled as one final changeling stood in front of the queen, “Goodbye, my queen. I will see you in the afterlife. Hail the queen!” The honey badger tore into him gruesomely; his screams filled the tunnels. As he breathed his last breath, he watched as the honey badger walked up to the queen. This was it. Bear had run out of explosives, so he was just going to watch what was to come. The end of queen Chrysalis. (Not far from the ground) Shara crossed her arms impatiently; she wanted to get on the ground NOW, but she just haaad to wait for gravity. Pfft, who needs gravity? Fuck gravity! Some fundamental force of the universe YOU are; you’ve been taking your sweet time getting her to the ground. Hmph. (The hive) Suddenly, the honey badger started panting heavily. He started to sway a bit, before he let out a squeak and fell to the ground. Everything was silent for a few moments before Bear spoke. He blinked, “Ah. I knew his battery was running out soon. Oh well” He picked up the honey badger and tossed him onto Rainbow’s back along with a little metal box, “Press the button on that to detonate the explosives” “What!? Are you crazy, Bear?” she screamed at him. He rolled his eyes, “Well, get out of the cave, first. I’ll fight off Chrysalis” Chrysalis glared at him as he stood in front of her, “You” She blasted him with magic, causing him to stumble back a bit, before she pounced on him. Rainbow ran out of the cave, and shouted at Bear, “Get out of there, Bear! You’ll die!” As he wrestled with the changeling queen on the ground, he screamed back, “Press the button, Rainbow Weasel! We need to end this here and now! Just do it!” Her tear ducts started to hurt, “B-but what about you Bear!?” “It doesn’t matter, just press the button, now! That’s an order!” he yelled to Rainbow. Tears started to form in her eyes, “I’ll never forget you! I promise!” He smiled adventurously as he had the queen in a headlock, “I know you won’t! I’m Bear Grylls, and I served in the British Special Forces!” She started to sob as she pressed the button. The explosives all around the cave lighted up, and the tunnels all started to collapse. After a low rumbling, it was clear that the entire hive was gone. Everything was still. Rainbow was hysterical, “Bear! I-if you can hear me! Please come out, please! You’re my friend! You’re everypony’s friend! Every stupid weasel in town loves you! Please!” After a few moments of her crying, a hand jutted out of the rocks and rubble with a small black box in his hand, “Bear! I-if you can hear me! Please come out, please! You’re my friend! You’re everypony’s friend! Every stupid weasel in town loves you! Please!” It was a tape recorder. She blinked, “W-what?” “Aha!”-Bear burst from the ruined hive-“I knew you were weasels, I just knew it!” “Bear!” she screamed happily as she galloped toward him. Before she could reach him, however, something almost as big as him fell from the sky, fell on him, and pounded him back into the hive with the force of the fall. Rainbow stopped, “Huh!? What was that!?” Bear climbed out of the newly formed hole with the object in question, “Don’t worry, I’m okay! I’m Bear Grylls and I served in the British Special Forces!” Rainbow rolled her eyes before cautiously walking over to Bear who had slumped the creature over one of his shoulders as he climbed out. He put it on the ground and stared at it for a moment before going wide-eyed. It opened its eyes and stared at Bear before getting up and hugging him, “Hi, Bear! I missed you, Honey!” Bear face-palmed, “Oh no, not you, Martha” She sighed, “My name’s not Martha, it’s Shara” He rolled his eyes, “Oh come on, Hannah, Martha, same thing! Now, Deborah, what are you doing here!?” “This is the new season of Man Woman Wild, Silly!” she responded cheerfully. “I locked you in a solid titanium box in the bottom of the Atlantic with no air; there shouldn’t be a new season of Man Woman Wild” he stated flatly. She skipped around, “You forgot to looock it!” “I did lock it, though! And even if I didn’t, why would it matter!? You were at the bottom of the Ocean!” he growled. “What’s going on here?” Rainbow asked. “I’m his wife!” Shara responded happily. He sighed, “Unfortunately, yeah, she is” Rainbow fell to the ground and laughed, “Bahaha! Bear Grylls has a wife!? Bear Grylls who served in the British Special Forces!? Ha!” Shara gasped, “You served in the British Special Forces, Sweetie? That sounds so…erotic” He rolled his eyes, “I’m not having sex with you. Sorry, but I’d rather stick my dick in between the bars at a zoo” Rainbow poked Bear, “We’d better get back to town” Bear rolled his eyes and started to walk back, “This is going to be a looong week”