//------------------------------// // Goo Puddles Don't Lie // Story: Ernest Saves Equestria // by Emerald Harp //------------------------------// Ernest shook his head in disbelief. “Naw, that can’t be right. I squirted the last troll when I came through that portal thing after I hit it with my truck. Ask Rimshot. He saw the whole thing. That troll and I were having a duel, and we shot at the same time, and . . . and.” The redneck fought for the right words. “I saw him turn to goo with my own eyes.” “Ernest,” Princess Cadence said gently, “I believe you, but Spike’s letter was adamant. We need to get back to Ponyville, now. Twilight has one troll in custody, but there is still another loose turning ponies into dolls.” “But,” the sanitation started to say, pausing and letting out a defeated breath, “this can’t be happening. I got them all. Goo puddles don’t lie.” “We’re not blaming you, Ernest,” Shining Armor added. “But we need to go, and we can’t do this without you. You’re the only troll fighter we got.” Ernest didn’t reply for a few seconds. He fidgeted with his hands and murmured, “I’m not sure I’m your guy. There’s gotta be someone else. I can’t do anything right. This is all my fault. All I wanted to do was build a tree-fort with my friends back home. I didn’t mean to wake up great-grandpappy’s troll. I didn’t mean for my buddies to get turned to dolls. And I sure as heck didn’t mean to bring this mess to Camelot. I’m the worst troll fighter in the history of troll fighting.” The redneck turned from the stares of the two seated humanized ponies and tried to hold back the tears forming in his eyes. He felt a hand on his shoulder. “Ernest, look at me.” The lanky human obeyed and stared into the eyes of Sunset Shimmer. “We all make mistakes. I mean I was trying to take over this school just before you came along. That’s on me. But this,” she gestured towards Shining Armor and Princess Cadence, “this isn’t your fault. You weren’t the one who brought those trolls to Equestria, and besides according to what you told me, it was foretold that you would awaken that monster. There is nopony living that can fight destiny. Not you, or I, not even Twilight Sparkle or Princess Celestia. And it was you who defeated Trantor and his children.” Worrell shrugged. “Well, yeah, but I had help. I also had a large stash of miak and troll begone that I barely got to use, and . . .” Sunset cut him off. “The point is, Ernest, you stepped up to the plate and won when everyone else had counted you out. You didn’t run away or hide. You saved your home. Ernest, I think you’re the bravest human I’ve ever met.” The troll fighter blinked. “I am?” Sunset squeezed the janitor’s shoulder. “Yes. Without a doubt, and now we need the Great Redneck Hope to save Equestria. Can we count on you?” Ernest hesitated but only for a moment. A fire had been reignited in his heart that had nearly been crushed by despair. Determination creased his face and straightened his back. He rolled up his sleeves and declared to the world, “Troll Fighter One, never backs down from a fight. You can count on me, Sunny. Let’s get back to Ponyville and kick some troll back-side.” The former delinquent smiled broadly at her friend. “Now you’re talking.” She held up her fist for a fist-bump. In response to this, Ernest flinched and took a step back. “Oh sorry, uh . . . high five?” After slapping Shimmer’s hand with his own, Ernest’s head whirred with ideas and possibilities on how to best combat the new troll threat. “Did Spike say anything about a tree growing brusslesprouts in his letter?” Cadence blinked in confusion. “He said that one of the trolls might have corrupted a tree in the Everfree Forest. But nopony knows where it is.” “He also said that the trolls might have enough dolls to raise an army.” The Captain of the Royal Guard shifted uncomfortably in his human street clothes. “If these are decadents from Sombra’s champion, then they could already be spawning warriors.” Ernest stroked his chin nervously. “Then we gotta move fast.” The redneck turned to Sunset. “Sunny, I need you to get Rimshot. He has as much troll fighting experience as I do. We also gotta tell Willy. And . . .” “He’s already there,” declared the princess. “Zecora tried to bring you to Ponyville through a mirror, but instead she pulled your robot through.” The fired janitor’s eyes widened. “Wow, Dr. Suess can use Alice in Wonderland magic? Good thing I didn’t stay on her bad side for very long.” Ernest shook his head rid himself of all distractions. “Hey, Sunny, after you find Rimshot, round up some of your friends, and grab as much milk as you can. The cow juice is like super kryptonite to these things. Trust me on this.” The teenager nodded and swung open the door to the classroom they had borrowed for this meeting. This elicited a yelp of surprise from the two principals standing on the other side who had been straining to listen to the conversation inside. “Excuse me Principal Celestia and Vice-principal Luna.” “Sunset, what’s going on?” asked the older sister. “Can’t talk now, ma’am, not a lot of time.” And with that, the young lady disappeared down the school halls. Luna frowned after the teenager and eyed Ernest who was trying to help Shining Armor to his unfamiliar feet. “I could use a little help here, ma’ams. I need to get these two back to the statue out front.” “I’m fine, Ernest. I can walk on my own.” The proud guard captain tried to take a step forward and would have collapsed if Worrell had not have been nearby. Without another word, Principal Celestia assisted Cadence out of her desk while Luna took Shining Armor’s other arm and helped Ernest guide the changed pony out of the room. “I’m assuming these two are from the world beyond the statue?” asked Luna. “Yes, ma’am,” replied Ernest. “It’s great over there. They got flying horses that control the weather. Horses with bones sticking out of their heads that can move stuff with their minds, and . . .” “I know, Ernest,” Luna paused for a moment before asking, “Are you from that land as well?” Using his free arm Ernest opened the door into the dimly lit hallways of Canterlot High. “Me? Naw. Me and Rimshot are from Missouri, land of the bluebirds and the guberburgers. We’re still trying to get back there. Kind of slow goin, being broke and all.” The vice-principal thought for a moment. “I’ve never heard of this place called Missouri.” The group stopped and waited as a pack of students passed in front of them. The youths stared curiously at the faculty and the people they were helping but did not question the situation. They had a party to attend that was still going strong, judging from the noise coming from the school gym. As soon as the youths were gone, Ernest started talking again. “It’s not on this side of the statue, and it’s not on the other side either. So I’m kind of an alien. I don’t know if I’m legal or not, in case you’re wondering.” “But I thought you were from over here,” Shining Armor grunted. “That’s why we sent you to Canterlot Highschool. Didn’t you say you had a job waiting for you at this place?” “Yeah, sorry about that,” the human paused. “I was thinking of Chickasaw Falls, home of the Fighting Muskrats. I hear they got a heck of a football team. Their band isn’t so hot though.” The trio halted to allow Cadence and Celestia to catch up. The principal waved off the concerns of several of the students before proceeding. Once the small squad of awkward moving humans was reunited, the quintet pushed past the main exit. Waiting in front of the equestrian statue was Sunset Shimmer, Rimshot, and the rest of Shimmer’s new friends. “Are you sure we can’t go with you, darling?” asked Rarity. The teenager took off the wig she was wearing and stowed it in a handbag. All the girls were still wearing the costumes from the play. “From the sound of things, you could use all the help you can get.” “Yeah, and no offense, but how is milk supposed to stop a troll?” asked Rainbow Dash. The teenager stuffed the last carton of milk into her backpack and handed it to Sunset. “Honestly, I’m not sure. Trolls can’t stand being loved, and milk somehow ties into that. It’s kind of weird.” She sighed and looked at her classmates. “I’d take all of you with me in a heartbeat, but if we fail to stop the trolls in Equestria, than I’ll need all of you to be ready over here.” “But . . .” A.J. started to say. “I’ll be alright. This is something I have to help Ernest do. And I’m not going to let a bunch of trolls bully my home. Besides, troll fighter one has dealt with this problem before, right Ernest?” The janitor had just let Shining Armor down onto a nearby bench. He turned and gave Sunset a thumbs up. “Ain’t no troll too wide, ain’t no troll too high that I can’t beat.” Hearing a bark of approval, the lanky custodian walked over to where Fluttershy was standing and petted the dog she was holding in her arms. “Ready to go, boy?” The beagle yipped in delight. Ernest beamed at his pet. “That’s the spirit, Rimshot. Just save some trolls for the rest of us.” Gloomily, the pink-haired teenager put down the little dog and scratched the cute beagle underneath the chin. “Be careful, Rimshot.” The dog whimpered and licked Fluttershy’s hand before going to stand with his master. “Thanks for looking after him again,” Ernest murmured. “You did as good a job as your pony-self in Camelot.” Fluttershy paused and thought about what the custodian had just said. “Um, you’re welcome. Just keep him safe. I don’t want anything bad happening to that sweet doggy.” Ernest nodded. “I will, but don’t worry about Rimshot. He bites like a skeeter and claws like a mongoose. He eats trolls for breakfast and brusselsprouts for dessert. Ain’t that right, boy?” The troll-fighting hound looked up at his master and gave a slow confused-sounding yip. “Good enough,” replied Ernest. Sunset looked around at the preparations taking place around her. She watched the interactions between Ernest and Fluttershy with amusement and graciously accepted a homemade cupcake from Pinkie Pie. As she munched away at her treat, her attention drifted to the two sisters that governed Canterlot High. The principals were quietly conversing with the changed ponies from the Crystal Empire in front of a hedge like the ones Ernest had been trimming a little while ago behind the school. When this revelation struck the teenager, she dug her phone from her pocket and found the picture she had taken of Ernest’s shrub art. Typing a few words into a text message she attached the picture and sent it to Vice-principal Luna’s phone number. “Trolls?” asked Principal Celestia. She sighed wearily and added, “There’s always something happening, isn’t there?” “Unfortunately,” agreed Princess Cadence. “The good news is we have an expert for this particular matter.” The humanized alicorn gestured towards Ernest. The janitor was testing the wind with a wet finger and tossing powdered milk up into the air. Celestia opened her mouth and closed it quickly, like she was about to say something she was going to regret. Instead, she settled on, “If you say so.” Vice-Principal Luna shifted uneasily from foot to foot. “I don’t like the idea of sending Sunset Shimmer into danger. Granted, she is strong and resourceful, but she is a student of this school and therefore our responsibility.” Using her husband’s shoulder for support, the ruler of the Crystal Empire stood shakily on her own two feet. She looked Luna in the eye and stated, “She is also a daughter of Equestria and probably the most powerful unicorn, second only to Twilight Sparkle.” Her gaze softened. “I promise you, I . . .” She looked over at Shining Armor, who was standing unsteadily by her side. “We will look after her.” Luna closed her eyes and took a calming breath. “I suppose that will have to suffice. I can’t force her to stay here. But I would if I could.” Feeling a vibration in her hip pocket, she turned away from the Equestrians with a muttered apology. The principal took out her phone and frowned at the text. “Just FYI, Ernest made this for you.” The vice-principal glanced up at Sunset Shimmer in confusion. The teen had momentarily ceased her preparations and was staring back at Luna. The message had an attachment. Looking back down at her phone, Luna opened the picture. After staring at her phone for a few seconds trying to comprehend what she was looking at, it finally dawned on her. The school official let out a shocked gasp and covered her mouth. The bush sculpture was breath-taking. She could easily make out who the two figures were seated at a table gazing into each other’s eyes over a shared milkshake. “Luna, are you alright?” asked her big sister. The younger sibling recovered slowly. She looked up at Sunset Shimmer who was smiling at her. Luna’s phone buzzed for a second time. She looked down at her device. The message read, “You should thank him before we go.” Luna’s heart fluttered and her hands became very sweaty at the thought of talking to the redneck. But she looked back at Sunset and nodded her agreement. “Luna?” asked Celestia again. The vice-principal coughed and cleared her throat. “Yes, sorry, I’m fine Principal Celestia.” She glanced at the troll fighter for a moment. “Excuse me for a moment, please.” Ernest grabbed a handful of powdered milk and tossed it into the air. He nodded as he watched the floury substance blow lazily through the dark night. “Yeah, this is a good batch. If I remember the Tulip Brother’s 101st Airborne Division’s Troll Resistance and Counter Insurgency Handbook correctly, you want your air-worthy troll repellent to linger in the atmosphere for precisely five point seven seconds. Rimshot shook his head and barked in disgust. “It is so a real manual. And I got a bargain on it at $78.99.” The beagle replied with a series of yips and a sneer. Ernest frowned. “So what if it was written in crayon? The strategies laid out in it are sound. Who wrote that Art of War book?” Ernest paused and put a finger to his chin in thought. “Was it Confushucks, Cornwhole, Confoundeded,” The redneck’s face brightened when he snapped his fingers in recollection. “Confucius, that’s his name. Remember what Confucius said about strategy, Rimshot?” The beagle stared up at his master and slowly shook his head. “He said if a strategy is strange but it works, the strategy is not strange. I got a feeling we’re going into a dicey situation, boy. And we need all the official troll fighting know-how we can get our hands on. Our minds cannot afford distraction at this critical junction. From here on in we must eat, live, breathe, and think like a troll. We need to be razor sharp, focused like a laser. We c---“ “Excuse me, Ernest, but may I have a word with you before you leave?” Ernest felt the container of powdered milk slip from his grip. He turned around and tried to hide the box from view. “Sure, Vice-principal Luna.” Luna’s voice was polite but resolute when she asked, “Did you make this?” She held up her phone. The troll fighter’s eyes widened. He visibly squirmed trying to think of the best way to answer the question. “Oh, that. Uh, well you see ma’am. I . . . I had an idea that I’d enter a bush, I mean a shrub in a contest back home. Yeah, that’s right. It was a Valentine’s Day theme shrub trimming contest. I have this lady friend back home who looks a lot like you and . . . and.” The school official gave Ernest a cold stare. Worrell sighed and hung his head. “Yes. I made that. The name of the piece is called Moonlight Bliss . . . I didn’t get the chance to make a moon. I was going to put it above your head. Er, I mean the piece’s head. I don’t know how it happened. I got to thinking of you and the counselor position and our date uh . . . I mean the job interview. And the next thing I know Sunny is by my side telling me to snap out of it, and I’m staring at this piece of art I didn’t really mean to make. The sheers just took over. Ya know what I mean? I . . . I’m sorry, ma’am.” Luna shook her head. “Don’t apologize,” she said firmly. And after a moment she added softly, “It’s beautiful.” Ernest frowned and wrung his hands nervously. “So, you’re not mad at me for defacing school property? I mean that could get ya fired . . . Eh heh heh heh, again.” The school officer didn’t answer right away. She was marveling at a mere picture of what the strange redneck had made. She ached to see the real thing in all of its glory. Slowly, she put the phone down and faced the troll fighter. “Ernest, are you coming back?” The handyman stopped playing with his hands, taken aback by the question. He thought for a few seconds before responding. “Would you like me to come back?” “I’d like that very much,” Luna said happily. Her bluish face flushed a very lively pink. She coughed and added hastily in a professional manner, “I mean, yes. I still wish to discuss with you the assistant counselor’s position. I see great potential in you, Ernest. I can’t just let a resource like you go out the door without an interview.” Ernest nodded. “Oh yes, ma’am. But I was just laid off, given the axe, furloughed. I might have even been canned. The school was going in a different direction and no longer requiring my services. I mean, I think I might need a letter of recommendation from my last employer.” Luna stifled a laugh, “Don’t worry about that.” She recovered gracefully, and her face took on a more determined air. “There’s nothing I can do for your custodian vocation, but I understand what you did to get fired and why you did it. Sunset Shimmer is very lucky to have you as a friend.” The troll fighter nodded. “Yeah, don’t worry about Sunny.” His voice changed to that of a confident warrior. “The safest place in Troll Country is by my side. When one stands with Ernest P. Worrell, one never stands alone or without an overwhelming supply of milk, miak, and marmalade.” The vice-principal gave Ernest a concerned look. “Just be careful out there. I don’t know much about trolls or where you’re going, but I want you both back in one piece.” Seeing the worry in his friend’s eyes, Ernest smiled. “Don’t worry, ma’am. We’re coming back. I promise.” Ernest looked down at Rimshot. “Come on, boy. Onward and upward.” The beagle barked up at his master and waggled his eyebrows. “Oh hush, you.” Ernest replied. He did his best to hide the blush creeping up his face but failed. Troll fighter one picked up his animal companion and at last bade Luna a final farewell. He waved at Principal Celestia and the rest of Sunset Shimmer’s friends before joining the Equestrians infront of the school statue. “So how did you two get here? The portal wasn’t supposed to open again for at least another three weeks,” asked Sunset Shimmer. “You’ll see,” answered Princess Cadence. “Is everyone ready to go?” “Ready, willing, and able Your Crystalness,” replied the troll slayer. “But, we’re going to need more dairy products then the backpack Sunny’s packing.” “Don’t worry. The Crystal Empire has the best dairy cows in Equestria. We’ll have all the ammunition we and the crystal guards can carry,” smiled Shining Armor ruthlessly. “Let’s go,” declared Sunset Shimmer. “Equestria needs us.” Rimshot agreed with a war howl that split the night. So eager to get into the fray, he jumped from his owner’s arms and charged through the portal. “Wait for me,” Ernest shouted as he ran after his dog.