"You check the junkyard yet?"
"Twice. Still nothing."
It was a peaceful morning in Equestria. The sun was shining, ponies are enjoying the morning breeze and the smell of hay bacon fills the air. Just your average day in Ponyville.
Except for two.
Yes, young gamer colt, Button Mash and goofy Snips are in an intense search for their slow-witted, yet endearing friend, Snails. They've searched high, and they searched low, low and high, high and low.
"It's usually hard NOT to find that big lug doing something weird around here." Button sighs.
"Probably thinks he's too good to have friends anymore." Snips grunts. "Now that he has a marefriend."
"W-Wait, he has a MAREFRIEND?!" the young gamer gasped. "I-Is she-"
"Imaginary? Nope, I didn't believe it either at first. Her name's Honey Bun. Not bad in the looks department, I must say-."
"Shh!" Button hissed. "You hear that?"
"......"
"......"
"Hear what-"
"Shhhhhh!!!"
Suddenly, the two hear a faint rattling coming from a nearby waste bin. Soon, a worn out Snails pops his head out, covered head to hoof in greasy, grimy garbage.
"Snails, what are you doing in the trash can?!" Snips gasps. "I thought our dumpster diving days were over!"
"Honey Bun is ignoring me." the filthy colt slurred. "Said she's sick of my jealousy. I keep thinkin' she's seeing other colts. I actually called her the 'U' word."
"You called her UNFAITHFUL?"
"No, I called her 'unsatiable'."
"That's 'INsatiable'. You called her the 'I' word."
"No, the 'I' word is 'indiscreet'."
"Can we, like, move on here?" Button sighs.
"I-I just keep thinking that Honey's seeing other guys. I rest in here when I'm depressed."
"Do you have any proof?"
"Not really, Honey says it's all in my head."
"Snails, either way, you shouldn't let your jealousy get the best of you." Button nods. "Here's what you should do-"
"Hey, Button, might wanna stay outta this one." Snips utters.
"Ignore you? Got it, Snips. So, Snails, take her out to dinner, order some flowers, some candlelight, tell her that you love her and that you're sorry. She WILL take you back."
"Button, seriously, do not get involved." Snips snorts. "This is between him and Honey."
"Dinner, you say?" Snails ponders. "I'll try anything at this point."
With a determined smile, Snails leaps out of the bin and trots down the road, ready to unleash his hidden charm upon the world.
"Uh, pal, aren't you forgetting something?" Snips coughs, inhaling the lingering scent of mold.
"Oh, almost forgot. That would've been embarrassing."
Snails skips back over and yanks a rusty horseshoe from the bin and leaves. "No SHOES, no service." he giggles absentmindedly.
"Chances of success?" Button cringes.
"H-He'll get through it." Snips mutters. "He always finds a way around things, ya know?"
"..."
"..."
"Five bits says he'll flop."
"You're ON!"
Sixty seconds later...
A moping Snails flops back over.
"Whoa woah, Snails, what are you doing back here?" Snips asks. "Thought you were going to see Honey."
"I did, it was a disaster." Snails moaned, crawling back into the waste bin."I accused her of flirting with the papercolt and she left."
CHA-CHING!!!
"Listen," Snips exhaled, discreetly scooting five bits beside Button. "If you need anything, you know we're always here."
"Actually, can you talk to Honey Bun for me, maybe convince her to take me back?"
"Snails, I just don't think that-"
"I'll talk to Honey for you." Button nods.
"You would? Gee, thanks, Button."
Snails happily trots off as Snips rubs his face in extreme annoyance with a long sigh.
A few hours later, Button and Snips relax at a small booth in Sugarcube Corner awaiting Honey's arrival while discussing the gamer's plan. "Button, I'm telling you to stay outta this." Snips grunts. "You're just gonna screw it up worse than it already is."
"No, I don't." Button scoffs. "I got this, trust me."
"Ugh, fine. Don't say I didn't warn you."
"Dude, you're being too dramatic here."
"Whatever, I have to wash my hooves."
Moments after Snips leaves the table, a yellow coated unicorn filly with a frazzled caramel-like mane scurries through the bakery's doors and approaches the waiting colt. "A-Are you Button Mash?" she asked. "Snails told me to see you?"
"Oh, you must be Honey." Button says, sipping his iced tea. "Have a seat."
"I never get to go to places like this." she states. "Mostly spend time at the junkyard staring at Snails' lint collection."
"Look, um.......about Snails.....is there any way you could give him another chance?"
"Ugh, I don't know, he's too jealous."
"I know, he has a problem, but when you think about all the problems he could have, but doesn't.....or does have and keeps to himself and.....well the point is being jealous isn't the worst thing in the world. Kinda proves just how much he cares, you know?"
"Gee, this place sure does getcha hot." Honey sighs, fanning the bakery's menu on herself.
"Uh.....y-yeah, I guess." Button stutters. "But I really think Snails deserves a chance to work this out."
Honey Bun plucks an ice cube from the colt's beverage in her magic, gently rubbing the little block around her lips, to Button's shock.
"I-If he ever lost you," he continues. "I-I know that it would just.....c-crush him utterly and, uh...."
The sly filly then slides the cube down from her mouth to her neck, melting down her chest. As Button carries on with his lecture, Honey Bun scoots from the other side of the booth and sits close beside the increasingly nervous colt.
"Y-You know, Snails really loves you." he gulps, shuffling further and further away as she scoots closer and closer. "D-Did I mention he loves you? I mean, the thought of you coming on to other colts is so INSANE that the possibility of that happening is-"
Soon, the poor child yelps in fear as Honey Bun pins him down and plants passionate kiss after passionate kiss upon every inch of his face. Snips eventually trots in to spot his friend's dilemma and rushes to his aid.
"What in Equestria is going on here?!" he exclaims.
"I-It's not my fault." Button pants heavily. "It's not my fault, it's HER fault! Honey, I don't think you understand, I called you here because I wanted to help Snails."
"Hayfeathers." Honey huffed. "I'm tired of hearing about Snails, I'm tired of hanging around at that junkyard, I'm tired of staring at LINT all day, I want to break out and LIVE a little."
"Well, Honey, I'm sorry but that is just NOT gonna happen." Snips scoffed.
"Playing hard to get, huh?" she giggles. "I like that. If you change your mind, you know where to find me."
With a cheeky grin and a quick wink, Honey Bun hops out of her seat and walks out the door, leaving the two colt's mouths agape. As soon as she's out of sight, Snips smacks Button upside the noggin.
"What did I tell you, Button?!" he groaned.
"Speech six, Snips." Button sighs.
"No, not speech six. Speech three."
"No, speech SIX: 'You were right, you gave me good advice, I should've listened to you and it was a mistake for me to ever get involved'."
"Well, it was a mistake.........what's speech three?"
"It was 'Every Pluto Bars song is different and if I can't tell them apart, it's because I haven't been listening close enough'."
"Whatever, now you've gotta tell Snails that he was right about Honey all along."
"I-I can't tell him about that, I'm the one his girl was just coming on to! You have to help me out here, Snips!"
"Speech four!"
"Um.....'The true art to laziness is to learn how to wear diapers again'?"
"What is the one that says 'I'm not bailing you out, you made your bed and you have to sleep in it'?"
"There isn't one."
"Now there is."
"Great. Gotta tell Snails and learn a new speech."
Button quickly pays his bill as Snips marches out of the bakery. Catching up with him outside, the two bump into Snails, much to the two's horror.
"Oh, Brian, how did it go with Honey?" he slurs happily. "She ready to take me back?"
"Uh.....listen, dude, Honey's got alot of good qualities-"
"Boy, that's a coincidence." Snails cuts him off. "Who'd have thought that you and Honey share the same fragrance? You were saying?"
"What I was gonna say was that Honey has alot of-"
"Ya know, that reminds me of a story of-"
"SNAILS!" Button hollers. "Listen to me. Honey has been coming on to other colts."
"Uh.......what?"
"She came on to me. You were right about everything, you weren't imagining anything."
"It's true." Snips cringes.
"Snails, I'm so sorry, if there's anything I could do-"
"Nah." Snails sighs. "I gotta......work on something in the junkyard."
"Hey hey, Snails, wanna talk about it?"
"I'm going to peel the lint off the rollers, pile 'em up and-"
"No, about Honey."
"Oh.......no, I just feel like being alone right now."
The heartbroken colt scuffs his hooves on the dirt road before walking off, head hanging.
Later, that evening, Button and Snips split and spent the entire afternoon and evening trying to track down their saddened pal. Arriving at the junkyard, Snips inspect the area and finds a letter near Snails' lint collection.
"Oh no." he uttered.
"Snips, I found him!" Button exclaims, galloping into the yard. "He's up on the clock tower on Mane Street and-"
A shooken snips hands Button the letter.
"Leeving the junkyerd earlee, guyz. Kan't git Hunny off my mynd. I,m theenking abut ending it aLL.
So long." ~S
"Sweet Celestia!" he yelps. "You don't think he's gonna do something stupid, will he?"
"What are the odds!" Snips hollers. "We gotta get him down now!"
As quick as a flash, the boys race to the tall clock tower on Mane Street and find the colt sitting on a ledge next to the tower's large bell.
"Don't do it, Snails!" Snips calls out. "Just sit tight, Button's on his way up! He's taking his sweet time about it, but he's on his way up!"
"Hey, you wanna do this, Mr. 'I'm afraid of heights'?!" Button yells, cautiously sliding in beside Snails on the ledge. "W-Whoa, this is steep, isn't it?"
"Hey, Button." Snails sighs.
"Don't look down, Button!"
"SNIPS, WILL YOU ZIP IT!!!"
"Is that the tone of voice you're using with Snails? 'Cuz if it is, why don't I just make a big red 'X' on the sidewalk?!"
"Snails, this is CRAZY, you shouldn't be up here." Button pants. "I know how you must feel about Honey, but you gotta come down."
"Nah, Button, not now." Snails shrugs, looking down on the quiet little town. "Still thinking whether or not I should end it all."
"Y-You CAN'T just end it all, you can recover from it. You're future stretches as far as the eye can see......cool, I can see my house from here. Anyways, can we discuss this on the ground?"
"I'm still thinking if I should end the relationship or stay with Honey."
Button's eyes widen. "So that's why you're up here?" he asks.
"Yeah, this is an excellent place to clear my head."
DONG!!! rang the bell, startling Button.
"I-I can see why." he gulps. "So, you're not gonna jump?"
"Button, please." Snails scoffs. "If I jumped from up here, I'd kill myself."
"You've been up here for quite a while. Made any decisions?"
"Well, at first, I thought the only thing I could do was to end the relationship, but then I thought if I could just get over the jealousy thing and accept that Honey was going to play around, maybe we could make a go of it."
"B-But then you thought about it again and realized that was RIDICULOUS."
"........I did?"
"Look, I'm all for going that extra mile to save a trouble relationship, but you at least have to STAND UP for yourself. You've gotta stop blaming yourself for this and put the blame where it belongs: on HER. You have every right to be angry."
"Well, if I get mad, then Honey's gonna leave me."
".......she's already left you, Snails."
"I know, Button." Snails sighs once more. "I know. I ever tell you the time about the first time I met Honey?"
"What?"
"She was out in that field down there. Sun on her face, wind in her hair.....she was running from a bunch of bees, but GOSH, was she pretty. She was the first girl I ever fell in love with. I guess, deep down, I just find it hard to believe that she would've done anything like this to me."
"Alright, Snails." Button utters. "If I could give you ABSOLUTE proof, if you could see Honey Bun for who she is, would that finally give you permission to be angry?"
"Absolute proof?"
"Incontrovertible."
"Huh?"
"Absolute."
After a moment of pondering, Snails finally nods. "Yeah, I guess it would."
Button carefully rises to his hooves near the ledge and points out to the Ponyville park in the horizon. "Hate to do this, but......see that couple down there, on that bench all snuggled up?"
"Hey, that's Honey and TENDER TAPS." Snails slurred. "Boy, that Taps sure knows how to cut a rug, though."
"SNAILS!" Button hissed, facehoofing himself.
"O-Oh, so I should get mad now?"
"Yes, dude!"
With a low snort, Snails stood up and stared daggers at the two lovers. "I see you, Honey!" Snails hollers. "You too, Tender! You're not gonna make a fool outta me anymore, missy, we're THROUGH! You're nothing but a CHEAP-"
DONG!!! rang the bell.
"You too, Tender Taps!" he continues hollering. "I'm gonna kick you so hard, your teeth are gonna go down throat and you'll be smiling outta your-"
DONG!!!
"Alright, that's enough, bud." Button snickers. "You did good."
"Is everything alright in here?" Snips stutters, nervously climbing the stairs.
"Yep, Snails is just relieving some stress."
"Give it a try, guys." Snails chuckles. "I feel much better now."
"Okay." Button ponders. "YOU OWE ME AN ICE CUBE, YOU-"
DONG!!!
"Hey, that is relieving."
"Lemme try!" Snips snickers. "BUY MY BUCKBALL MERCH, YOU MOTHER-"
DONG!!!
"Still shameless in your promotion, eh, Snips?"
"Less judgy, more shouty!"
"YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!" Snails happily yells at the top of his lungs, echoing through the night sky.
THE END