It was time…
The pocket dimension of choice was, well, it was obvious Discord was looking into your own thoughts on this one as the entire dimension itself was that budokai tournament arena from Dragon Ball. Except all the dragons, were of course, of Discord. The audience seats were mostly empty sans the class sitting in a cluster on the southern middle side. The announcer, another Discord clone, was busy brushing his luscious golden locks to stand straight up. Discord himself was resting on one corner of the arena, reading a newspaper as he took to some tea.
You sat on the other corner, both Scootaloo and Diamond at your side as Discord felt you needed some ‘personal trainers’ to pep you up and be able to throw in the towel should things get too intense. They were even in grey sweaters with cute little grey beanies. As for you, you felt confident in your chaotic abilities, you also felt you could go further with it than Discord could if you really needed to. Add in his arrogance and you may just have this in the bag.
“Man, Discord really went all out with this one. Looks like a real arena you’d see in comics.” Scootaloo said as she took a look around.
“Focus, Scootaloo! Like, this is Anon’s big chance to show everypony just how skilled at chaos he really is. Daddy Discord isn’t going to be a pushover, so we have to make sure Anon is ready!” Diamond said, scolding Scootaloo as she was obviously not taking this seriously.
“Relax, Diamond, it’s not that serious. I have a ton of tricks up my sleeves and I have loads of practice. It’ll be fine.” You say as you slide a hoof along a shackle. If anything, you even have armor that may actually defend against any direct attacks Discord might have.
“Sounds good to me. I’ve never even seen Discord fight anyway. I mean, how tough can he be? He pretty much just stood there when Rainbow Dash and everypony else hit him with the elements. And don’t forget, even Tirek managed to beat him. Anon has this in the bag, for sure.” Scootaloo said with confidence.
Diamond just brought a hoof to her face, growled, and then looked to the both of you. “That’s because he got blindsided. Scootaloo, I don’t expect you to know, but I totally expect Anon to know that! And besides, did anypony notice Daddy Discord doesn’t even really fight, like, at all? Every time he’s ever done something big, it was always something psychological. He’s great at mind tricks. Anon, you’ll have to make sure he doesn’t fake you out.”
That was true. While Discord has done slapstick, especially on you, his big plans usually involve messing with the psyche of his targets in some way. That’s what he did in his premiere, and that’s pretty much what he tried to do against Fluttershy on his second showing. Hell, even messing with both Twilight and Cadance for some petty bullshit that one time. But you weren’t a simple pony, and you knew Discord pretty well, you knew you could see through his tricks. “He won’t. I understand how he works, and I’m not that easy to fool. Even Princess Luna’s dream walking stuff makes me so aware that I’m lucid the moment it becomes too obvious. So any illusion Dad has is nothing to me”
“Really? How?” Scootaloo asked, rather curious about the Luna thing. “I can’t think of anypony who’s ever managed to notice Luna's magic unless she’s being super direct.”
“I… Don’t know really. I have trouble with lucidity on my own, yet I just notice when she’s around. Could just be my whole chaos au-” But before you can finish that sentence, Diamond shakes her hoof in front of the both of you.
“Hey! Hey! Focus, remember?! Besides, you both forgot something super important!” Diamond said.
“What’s that?” Both you and Scootaloo ask.
“That he HAS beaten the princesses in a straight up fight! He totally steamrolled them until they used the elements on him! Hasn’t anypony noticed that if he’s paying attention then he’s pretty much unstoppable? Anon, I know you’re using the same magic as him, But Daddy Discord might actually put in the effort to fight. None of us have any idea what to expect. With that in mind, Anon has to fight as defensively as he does offensively. No doubt Daddy Discord has a bazillion tricks he can pull too, so you’ll have to be totally careful. Got it, Anon?” Diamond said as she gave you a serious look “Because I will not be happy if he takes you down in less than a minute. And if I’m not happy, then you’re not happy. Got it? If you lose after a minute, then I’ll understand. But if it’s just under a minute, then I’ll know you didn’t listen to me at all. And I’m going to tell you right now, Anon, if that happens, I won’t talk to you for a whole month!”
Woah, that’s pretty heavy. Then again, she had a really good point. Discord was pretty much untouchable in an actual confrontation. Everytime he made a mistake and got physically beat was because he underestimated his opponent or something unexpected happened. But the princesses aren’t that special, at least, not from what you’ve seen. Even with all the power Twilight has amassed magic wise, she still can’t do anything to Discord physically as well. Hm, it seemed you would need to actually be cautious of Discord. Every time he’s gotten you before, it was because you were vulnerable. If you can make sure to keep on your toes, er, hooves, then you should be able to keep up with him. “Point taken, Diamond. I promise I’ll be careful.”
“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea too. I think Discord might actually be serious about this fight after all.” Scootaloo said with a gulp.
“What makes you say that?” You ask as you look back at her.
“That’s why” Scootaloo said, pointing back at Discord.
Discord was still relaxing, sipping tea, and laying back as a pair of boxing gloves hovers overhead. These gloves were busy punching and smashing a punching bag with your face on it, it was even screaming for dear life!
Diamond looked on for a moment, cringing, before looking back at you, determined to give you some motivation. “Oooohh, yeah he does. Well, erm, that’s why you, Anon, have to be super vigilant. I know he’s your father, but you’re still the best! In fact, you’re my prince!” Diamond said as she moved in for a smooch on your cheek. “My prince of chaos!”
Oof, those gloves were giving that bag a good pounding. But Diamond was right! You are the prince! If Discord wants to take this seriously as he looks like he is, then so shall you. Oh, and with that kind of pep talk, you’d have to make sure that kiss was well earned. “Yeah! No problem! Don’t worry, Diamond, I’m gonna smash that guy to bits!”
“Er, I mean, just regular smashing should work? He’s still your dad, Anon” Scootaloo reminds you.
“Yeah, but something tells me he can take it. Looks like he’s expecting me to handle it the same way too. So, y’know…” And with that, the announcer clone, donning some sunglasses, steps into the middle of the arena and waves for you both to come to the center. Discord whisks away his tea, gloves, and ‘you’ shaped punching bag and lazily strides to the center as he waves to the class. Of course, it wasn’t until the wave of your hoof that any real vibrant cheering could be heard. “Ah! Time for me to get up on the ring! Wish me luck, girls!”
“Good luck!” Scootaloo cheered. “And show em’ you’re as good at chaos as he is!”
“You can do it, Anon! But don’t win too hard, ok? I care about Daddy Discord too!” Diamond said as she called to you “And don’t forget to do some stylish poses! Show everypony why you’re my Anon!”
Heh, you were prepared to be stylish this whole fucking fight. You casually walk over to the center, and look up to Discord as the announcer began to speak into a microphone. “Welcome fillies and gentlecolts to the first annual ‘Chaotic Neko’ tournament! Don’t ask what a neko is, I do not care. But what I do care about is the battle that is about to take place in this arena today! The ‘Spirit of Chaos’, Discord versus the ‘Prince of Chaos’ Anon! Both fighters poised to show off who is the best in the art of calamity! Can we get a round of applause for these two epic fighters!” The announcer waits as the class stomps their hooves happily to cheer and applause for the both of you, or given their cheers, mostly you. “Alright! Now, the battle itself will be a treacherous one! Why? Because it has no rules! Well, actually, it has one rule!”
“One rule?!” Discord looks over to the announcer, finding what he had to say truly detestable. “This is a battle of chaos! How can there be a rule?!”
“W-well, boss, y’know…” The announcer clears his throat and then points around the arena. “You did kind of pull this whole ‘anime’ thing out yourself. Not my fault you didn’t realize there’d be a rule.”
“Well, out with it then! What is the rule? Because if it’s anything waffle related, you’re fired! Do you hear me?” Discord says as he holds up a conjured championship belt. “I’m the champ, you see, and I expect the best.”
“Heh, are you serious? Discord, you seriously don’t know what’s going on? You made the arena, bro, so you should know the rule is that if you get knocked off the ring, then you lose.” You say rather smugly. Holy hell, he made a mistake. Was he off his game? Either way, a possible ring out was something to consider now. You might be able to win this easily if you can get him off the ring.
“What?!” Discord grabs the announcer by the shirt and lifts him up, looking at him with dark and foreboding eyes. “Tell me he’s kidding.”
“Er, no, he isn’t, he’s right. Instant loss if you get knocked off the arena.” The announcer said with a nervous chuckle, gulping hard at the possible rage Discord was about to explode into.
“Man, you’re taking this more seriously than I thought, Discord. What? You’re afraid I’m gonna knock you off? C’mon, relax, this is between you and me. Whatever happens happens. And seriously? I thought you’d appreciate having an extra challenge.” Seems Scootaloo was right, he really was taking this more seriously than you thought he would.
Discord’s mad stare is cut off as he chuckles and let’s go of the announcer. “Oh, Anon, it seems you misconstrued my annoyance for anger. I merely believe that extra rule is much too beneficial to me. What fun will it be to finally show you a taste of true chaos if it can end so suddenly?”
“So it’s like that, huh?” Yup, he was serious alright. “Better watch out, Discord. I have a lot of combat practice. I mean, when was the last time you even got into a serious fight? You think you can beat me without some actual practice?”
“Oh naive little Anon, so confident, so sure of his victory.” Discord said as he leisurely leaned back and rested his head on his paw. “As good of friends as we are, friendship is something I already left at the door for this battle. For you see, Anon, this isn’t just a mere fight, this will be a once in a lifetime showcase of what I can do if I actually had to use my powers to their fullest. Do you want to know why nopony ever wants to ever actually challenge me one on one? Well, you’re going to find out soon enough.” Discord said as he looked over at you, smirking.
“Yeah, yeah, we’ll see about that. Hey, announcer guy, mind hurrying up? I wanna get this show on the road!” Like seriously. If Discord wants to pull that shit, then it was time to get serious!
“R-right, yes. Ahrm. That’s right folks! The singular rule of this fight is that a ring out is automatic disqualification. Both our fighters will have to generate their magical mischief without setting a single hoof down on actual ground. Fighters! Get ready!” The announcer steps backwards and hops off the arena, gazing upon the both of you as he pumps his arm into the air. “Annnnnnnnnnd FIGHT!”
“Before we actually do that what we must do…” Discord extends his arm to you, and looks to you with a warm smile “Good luck, Anon.”
“Good luck to you too, Dad.” You extend your hoof to his paw, and when you do…
Both you and Discord jump back as you both leave false limbs back where you once stood, both having fuses. They explode rather quickly, both being bombs left for one another. It seems you and Discord had already thought of the same starting trick, so you’ll have to keep on your hooves if you want to outdo him.
“Amazing! Both Anon and Discord use the same traps against each other! Sneaky, devious, and yet obvious to one another! Truly these two already seem to know one another inside and out!” The announcer yells out as he strikes a pose.
“Oh boy, well…” Scootaloo folds her ears and slowly slinks lower as she peers over the edge of the arena. “This is gonna get real crazy, real fast.”
“This is going to be fun is more like it! Go, Anon, go!” Diamond cheered out.
“Oh, Anon, I’m glad you didn’t fall for that one. Then again, that is one classic trick anypony should know. Which brings me to my following question, how do you plan to beat me now, hmm?” Discord says as he stood at the ready.
“Like this!” You can’t waste time. In an instant, you produce two miniguns on either side on your back, pointed at Discord, and already whirring at full speed. “This ain’t no Loony Tunes crap, Discord. Prepare to lose!” The guns immediately began to fire endlessly and rapidly towards Discord.
“Oh my, it seems a storm is a brewin’.” Discord said as he produced and held forward a huge umbrella that blocked your bullets as if it was harmless rain.
Dammit! Fine then! “You can’t stop me, Discord! Eat this!” You produce a rocket launcher on the center of your back, with one huge rocket ready to launch. As the bullets kept Discord suppressed, you fire the rocket straight up, targeting Discord for when it drops.
“Hm?” Discord wonders to himself as he looks upwards, seeing the rocket as it turns to drop on him. “...Is he serious?” Discord reaches into his pocket and pulls out a grenade. He then tosses it over the umbrella towards you.
Before you can even react, or even notice due to the hailstorm of bullets and the flash of the muzzles of the miniguns, the grenade lands right in front of you, immediately exploding into an inflatable Discord. You don’t end your bullet assault as you gaze upon it, as it seemed harmless. “What? Is he serious? I’m not some idiot AI that’s just going to change targe… Wait.” You look upwards to see the rocket turning to drop upon the inflatable Discord near you, it seemed to think the fake Discord was the real one. “SHIT!” You immediately use your magic to pop off the miniguns from your side as you dive backwards. The rocket drops and explodes right on the inflatable Discord, and you were close enough to still be sent back near the edge of the arena. “Gyah! What in the! How?!”
“Ooohh! An impressive display by Anon! But he was no match for the ingenuity of the ‘Spirit of Chaos’ himself. It seems that brute force isn’t going to save the day this time!” The announcer yells out to the crowd, who all gasped when the rocket hit.
Discord comes walking through the smoke of the explosion, very slowly and boredly clipping his claws as he looks towards you. “Tsk, tsk, tsk. All that and no results, a shame. Well, Anon, if you’re going to go all commando on me like that, then allow me to oblige you the same tactic.” Discord suddenly produces a ton of tentacles from his back that all have nail clipper ends to them. He brings them to his paw as he holds it out towards you and starts clipping at an insane rate, firing his very nail clippings at you like a gun.
“Ah crap!” You quickly stand up and start weaving left and right before producing a shield in front of you. But these nails, holy shit, they were sharp, they were shredding through it like paper. Even worse, while Discord’s aim seemed slightly random, it seemed he was able to predict your movements as a few of his ‘bullets’ were piercing through your legs or bouncing off the shackles. Holy hell, it hurt! “Ngh! S-shit!” Fuck it! You take the shield and quickly use your magic to hurl it at Discord like a discus.
Discord immediately stops to catch the shield in his mouth, donning a dog suit as he does so. “Haha! ‘Nailed’ it! But this is fetch now, right? Well, we all know what that means.” Discord chuckles as he throws the shield down on its side. It immediately heads towards you like a buzzsaw, glowing, as it started to produce other energy shields that split off from side to side, all aimed towards you.
Damn him and his puns and tropes. Ok, Anon, they are all along the ground, right? Then all you gotta do is… “HYAH!” You jump forward like a rocket towards Discord, spinning, as you produce a sword that hovered around you like magic. This sword was a giant broadsword. Normally big and clumsy, it will be easy to wield with your magic. Hell, you thought you would have had the jump on Discord with this one. But as you bring the blade down on him, it hits something else so hard that the force sends you a few inches back. Did he block it?!
“A sword? Really? How mediocre.” Discord scoffed as he brandished his own weapon of choice, a gigantic pen. “You have no hopes to defeat me, Anon. Just give up, you can’t win.”
“The hell I can’t!” You morph the broadsword into four lightsabers and point them towards Discord, these will cut right through his flimsy ass pen. “Let’s see you de… Please no.”
Discord, as you looked back up at him, was now in all black, in an armor that made him seemed part machine. His helmet was shaped like his head, but with a face mask equipped with a breathing apparatus. His pen now glowed, matching the power of any lightsaber. “Anon, I am your father.”
Your eye twitched, was he really fucking doing this? “Fuck off, Discord. You don’t know Star Wars!”
“You have controlled your chaos. Now, release your madness! Only your insanity can defeat me.” Discord said with heavy breath, his voice mechanical and deep.
You just roll your eyes at him. “Christ, Discord, that isn’t even funny. Like, I was just gonna use these to slice through whatever you had. You couldn’t have come up with something better than that?”
“You’re as ignorant as you are gullible.” Discord said, unmoving, breathing slow and heavy.
Gullible? Ignorant?! Fuck him! You were none of those things! “That’s it, you’re done! You wanna be Vader? Then prepare to be Luke'd! Eat this!” And you rushed him, flailing your lightsabers around as he easily blocked and parried them with his lightpen. All you had to do was keep attacking. Even if he blocked everything as easily he was doing, you were still making him step back. Closer, closer, and closer still, until finally… “It’s over, Discord. You can’t keep this up forever!”
“How foolish of you to believe that, Anon.” Discord says as he lifts his face mask and shrugs, speaking normally as he does so. “Then again, I haven’t been able to do a darn thing to you with this pen. I suppose it is only mightier against one sword and not a blade more. It seems this is my swan song.” Discord said as he tossed the lightpen aside, it’s energy tip cutting through a rope that was… tethered… to the ground?
Uh oh…
You look straight up to see a piano coming down upon you. You yelp as you jump backwards, the piano coming down with a crash. “Holy crap, that was- wha huh? wh-HEY! WOAH!” Suddenly, a wind began to blow, growing in power as you began to slide back.
“What is this?! Discord has suddenly summoned a gigantic fan to try to send Anon to the other side of the arena! How will Anon deal with this one?” The announcer yells out in surprise, baffled by such a move.
“Do you feel that, Anon? I do believe this is called the ‘winds of change’.” Discord said as he began to cackle madly. Floating behind and above the fan as he watches you being blown back.
Shit, shit! The winds were getting stronger! Even as you use your magic to try to stick your hooves to the ground, the growing winds were starting to get worse and worse by the second.
Both Diamond and Scootaloo were ducking next to the edge of the arena to avoid the powerful winds. They didn't want to be blown away.
Wind, how could you deal with this?! WAIT! ‘WINDS OF CHANGE’! HAHA! YES! “I got him right where I want him! Let’s do this!” You use your magic to summon ‘The Wind Waker’, a magical baton used to shift the winds. “Up, left, right… And!” Just like that, with waves of the magical baton, The fan spins the opposite direction, with the wind shifting towards Discord.
“What in theOOF!” Discord is sent flying back and past the arena ground, slamming right into the wall before he could even react.
“W-woah, did I do it? Did I win?!” Holy shit! You did it! You really did it! And with only a few wounds.
“Anon… Woah…” Scootaloo dares to look over the edge, and could see Discord had fallen off the arena. “He… Really did it! Yeah! Go Anon!”
“He did? Wow! He did! That’s my Anon! I knew you could do it!” Diamond cheered
The crowd began to cheer, you finally did it, you won! You showed you were truly the best! You look over to the announcer, and call on him to announce your victory. “Yo, hey, what’s taking you so long? Say I won already.”
“But you didn’t. Rules stipulate that you have to fall off the arena. As in, on the ground. Discord was sent flying into the wall and… Oh wait, he’s not there, where did he go?” The announcer said, scratching his head as he looked around to try to find where Discord had gone to. Even the giant fan was gone. Shit! You blew him too hard! He didn’t hit the ground!
You began to look around frantically. Goddammit, you should have finished the job! You were so close, and you fucked it up! But you still had the advantage. Whatever he was going to pull out, you’d use whatever you knew to counter him.
Discord, he really might be the toughest opponent you’ve faced yet.