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// Rad: Unorthodox Tactics and Dan's Old-fashioned Homemade Napalm 
// Story: Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship(Season 1) 
// by Barrobroadcaster 
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After having looted every pet store in town, plus a greeting card store, a toy store and a Domino's Pizza, Dan was satisfied at their take. They pushed the overladen rail cart full of supplies back towards the main thoroughfare a final time. It was one of several trips they made using the cart and by the time they were done, the pile of supplies towered near the same height as the rooftops.

Dan clapped his hands together. "Coolarooney, so gang, it is now time for me to tell you all of my ingenious plan to defend the town from the army of armored assholes rapidly approaching." They gathered around him, unloaded what ever supplies they were caring and prepared to listen.

Which surprised Dan. "No one's going to say anything beforehand? Okay, that's uh... okay." The man was kind of used to confrontation at any and all moments, so the lack thereof was... unnerving. "Can one of you say something? Please?"

"Something," Phoenix said. (That's right, Nick, keep working on your witty sarcasm and you just might get that sweet spinoff you always wanted.) "Get it? Because he said "say something" and I took it literally."

"Okay, somebody say something else that's not a joke or not a joke that you then immediately murder in the crib. We run jokes into the ground, we run gags until they're exhaustive but we do not immediately kill our own jokes. We don't do that," Dan said.

"You're a horrible leader and no one should take your advice," Chris Redfield said.

Dan nodded. "Thank you, Redfield. No, stop- don't go any further."

"I can keep going."

"Yeah, I know you can okay- defending New Troy, we don't have a lot of options," Dan said. He swept his arms outward at the town. "There's no possible way we can stop them from getting in, so barricades are useless. Our backs are literally to the wall on this one but, we're going to use that to our advantage."

Cap nodded. "We're going to set a trap. Is that it?"

"More-not-less. We're going to set a really, really BIG trap. That's why we looted every pet store in town. Now, everybody, start unloading the stuff."

They did as they were told. Dan instructed them to combine the various items- kitty litter, chemicals and cleaners and dump them all into the aquariums. While they did this, the foodimals began gathering nearby to watch them and their presence did not go unnoticed by the gang.

Doctor Whooves was helping stir one of the mixtures when Captain Lucid edged closer to him. The donkey edged his way over to him and elbowed him in the side.

"Pardon me, Doctor?"

"Yes?"

"I take it Dan's tactics are..." he trailed off, looking at the mixture in front of them. It burbled as Doctor Whooves stirred, a bubble lazily forming and popping in the center of the thick, reddish-brown mix. "Unorthodox?" He grabbed a broken broom handle and helped stir.

"You could say that. You could also say he's a bit insane," Whooves said, pausing for a moment. "But you could also say insanity works for him and it works for us. For now, at least."

Lucid shrugged and nodded slowly. "I know what you mean. I've seen something like that before."

"You mean someone? Someone like Dan?" Whooves asked.

Lucid nodded again, continuing to stir. "What passes for royalty here doesn't do much governing. They figure they can leave the cities to themselves and things will be better for it. Donkey-nature has something of an independent stubborn streak to it, and most folks are just understanding of that. Still, we see 'unorthodox' every now and then."

"Uh huh."

"The guard captain before me, his name was Hallow," he tossed his head over his shoulder, gesturing behind him. "Back before he fell off the wall, we had an idea to take out a raider gang that was starting to get annoying. There's a lot of monsters out there in the Badlands and sometimes that can work to your advantage."

Whooves chuckled. "Don't tell me he tried to tame monsters? I've seen that happen- usually doesn't work out too well in the end."

And Lucid gave a small chuckle back, a grim one. "Not exactly. So, there are some beasts out in the Badlands more dangerous than others. One nasty in particular is called a galorpion."

"Galorpions?" Whooves asked. "Don't they sell those... at pet stores..." he trailed off. Not all of the aquariums they were using were for fish- some were for reptiles like snakes and lizards. Others were for insects, including the one he was now mixing chemicals in.

"Mmm-hmmm," Lucid said, nodding. "They're more or less harmless on their own. But in any great number, they can be very, very dangerous. More than a few stings and it's lethal."

"So I've heard..." Whooves said. Galorpions, as opposed to scorpions, were scorpions with four tails each, each with its own barbed stinger. But the galorpion got its name from the fact that they traveled in large numbers, swarms, especially in the Badlands. Most of the time, they slept underground during the heat of the day and would only come out at nights to drink the night dew of cactus flowers and eat flashfire fly eggs. They also enjoyed playing frisbee and tetherball.

"Well, if you know anything about galorpions, you also know they're very avid music critics," Lucid explained. "They critique wolf songs, the rainray and skywhale songs and even the howling wind."

"I see. They must've left that out in the uh, arachnid information directory," Whooves said.

"If there's one thing a galorpion swarm hates, it's Smash Mouth."

And that made Doctor Whooves stop and look up. "I'm sorry- what?" he asked, extra-Britishly.

Lucid nodded. "It's true. They hate overly-used music, especially movie soundtracks or trailer music. Anything that's been done to death, really. All-Star, Born to be Wild, that one song by Hall and Oates, galorpions can't stand bad music or jokes that have been done to death."

"They must not like this story very much, then."

"Probably not. But Captain Hallow had an idea to use them against a group of raiders that were being particularly irritating one fine evening," Lucid explained. "So, he orders us to attack their camp and then he starts blasting Gwen Stefani from a boombox he's brought with him. And the galorpions all came out to attack it."

"And they attack the camp in the process," Whooves surmised. "But what went wrong with his attack?"

"Nothing," Lucid said. "He just hadn't told us about it. Mentioned we'd be getting some 'reinforcements' but nothing else. So when the first galorpions showed up, we didn't really notice how bad it was. Until it was too late. Captain Hallow was already far away by the time this was going on. Not sure if he wanted us to die, if he was crazy or if he wanted some kind of promotion."

Whooves swallowed a bit. "How... how did you survive? Did any of the guards survive."

"Heh," Lucid chuckled again, grimly. "None of the guards survived."

Whooves looked around at the other donkeys. They were all helping stir the fluids. "But... but you're here. You obviously survived."

"Yep. I did."

It begged the question, but Whooves was forced to give it voice. "....howwwwwwwww?"

"Locked myself in a trunk and kept quiet. When I got out, well..." he looked up at Doctor Whooves, "I was the only one left alive. Didn't have any place to go, so I put on one of the guard uniforms and headed back to New Troy. Used the security card to get in." He got up and started walking away.

"Ahhhh..." Whooves said, nodding. "Well, kudos to your, erm, resourcefulness, anyway."

"We all do what we have to do, Doctor Whooves. Just in different ways. We all have our methods, doctor," he looked back at him one last time. "Some are more unorthodox than others." The broom handle slowly sank into the mixture. Doctor Whooves found his hooves were shaking for some reason.

While the Doctor was contemplating the ramifications of Lucid's story, Dan was busy being talked to by Rarity. No, I said he's being talked TO by Rarity. The white unicorn's skill with magic allowed her to churn while doing other things, such as holding a conversation. A one-sided conversation.

"So, as I was saying, there's something I was thinking you could help me with."

"I doubt it."

"You see, there's something that's troubled me about humans," Rarity said.

To which Dan replied, "Get. In. Line." He was sitting on a pet carrier. Some of the foodimals were inside, prring. No, not purring, prring. I have no idea what it means, but apparently there's a difference.

"Anyway, there's a problem and I thought that perhaps you or Phoenix might be able to help."

"Someone say my name?" Phoenix said, walking over. "Dan, you still haven't told us what we're supposed to be making here. And I'm pretty sure there's going to be about four or five different versions of it when it's done."

"Ah, I'm glad you asked, Nicky," Dan said. He held up a soup ladle he'd been using to stir with.

"Was the end of that melted before you started stirring with it?"

"This is my grandmother's very own recipe. For napalm," Dan said with a little bit of pride in his voice.

"Napalm? This crap we're making is napalm?!"

Dan nodded. "Eeyup. So don't, you know, be anywhere near any open flames with this stuff. Made it the old-fashioned way just like my grandma used to make at home on the front porch. She'd sit for hours and talk about burning commies alive with her homemade napalm, how she would've cleansed the whole country with it if she had been allowed to fly to the north."

"North Vietnam?"

"No, North Dakota. There were a lot of communists in Bismarck before my grandmother took care of them. Of course, then the survivors moved to Oregon," Dan said with a snarl.

Rarity and Phoenix stared at him for a few seconds before saying, "Rrrrrright. Well, Phoenix? I have a bit of a problem and I was thinking you and perhaps Dan might be able to help."

"What can I do for you?"

"Well," Rarity turned to him, "you know how humans have hair? On your heads?"

Phoenix slicked his well-styled black hair back. "I have noticed that, yes."

"Why is it just called... hair?"

Dan stopped stirring. Phoenix and Dan looked to her. "Come again?"

Rarity brushed the tasseled curls of her own purple mane. "Well, this is my mane. See? It's hair on my head. I call it my mane because it's on my head."

"Yeah, I know, so basically, you're asking why humans don't call the hair on their head a mane?" Phoenix asked.

"YESSS!" Rarity exclaimed. "It's quite frustrating! I mean, hair is a big thing to consider especially with dresses and the right accessories but really darling, it's more than just hair. You have a beard, and it's a beard, you don't just call it hair," Rarity further explained. "So why don't you call it a mane? It would make PERFECT sense to do so, truly."

Dan shrugged. "That's not really something I can help with. I mean, if you need me to get revenge on humanity, specific parts of humanity, I do requests. But what people call their own stuff is their own business, and that includes hair. Wherever it is."

The fashionista pouted. "But it's so annoying. You're certain you and Phoenix couldn't maybe, start a trend? I can style your manes for you myself. I'll even throw in clothes."

Phoenix patted her shoulder. "I'm sorry, Rarity, but I think that one might be a lost cause." He and Dan picked up one of the aquariums full of 'homemade napalm' and crated it to the center of the street.

"Well, people may see things differently when Earth's first Carousel Boutique opens."