//------------------------------// // Ch. 2 :: Sawmill // Story: Murder for 'Briar // by Tirimsil //------------------------------// After Trixie's show, everyone had a light breakfast. Except Pinkie. Pinkie ate three lunchboxes, and whatever was in them. "Captain Mud Briar! Will ye be needin' any more of me services?!" the weirdo growled like a pirate. Trixie had no idea why. There was nothing else pirate-themed about this party. There wasn't any theme to this party. "Thank you very much, Pinkie Pie, but I ask nothing further of you at this time." he replied. "You are released from our contract and free to go about your day. Please do not be a stranger." "We'll be going out soon." Maud Pie said. "You could come along if you like, but I know you're busy today." "Sure am! I've never used so much orange and purple frosting since... Oh! Since last Nightmare Night! I wonder what the link there is. Have a great time! Happy birthday again! Bye! See ya!" Pinkie continued talking as her legs went out the door and the rest of her stretched out before following, until she yelped as her head was slingshotted out of the house. Trixie needed to learn how to do weird things like that. It would certainly... leave an impression on an audience. Maybe not a good one, though. No one said anything for a few seconds. Trixie just stayed sitting at a far table, hooves folded together, staring over them at Mud Briar. You may not know this, but most ponies do not mysteriously vanish on their birthdays, Mr. Mud Briar... she thought in her head. Then she blinked and dropped her hooves. What kind of an evil line was that?! It was just a fact. Mud Briar loved stupid awkward facts like that, that's why she hated him so much. No, Mud Briar represented the facts, so Trixie needed to be... Opinions! Yes, that worked. Then their metaphors and themes would reflect their antagonism. "Starlight. Sunburst." Maud listed. Trixie folded her hooves again and tried again. You may not know this, but I really fucking hate you, Mr. Mud Briar... "Trixie." The blue unicorn jumped as Maud addressed her. There went her evil scheming pose. "Y-y-yes?" "Pinkie is not that busy today. I dismissed her because I think she would not like the movie we are going to see. Would the three of you like to come along." Trixie blinked. "What movie?" "You don't remember what movie you wanted to see?!" Trixie hissed. Ponyville's theatre had recently remodeled into a multiplex; they were able to run four movies at once, drastically increasing profits... and crowd size. Fortunately, it was early in the day. This close to Nightmare Night, ponies mostly stuffed this place once the sun went down, sitting for horror flicks. The entire place stunk of burned butter -- Trixie's least-favorite memory of her younger days, when she sometimes appeared in her father's carnival shows. Oh, and everything to eat here was so expensive Trixie may as well have bought the companies that made it. She wasn't going to pay that much for food she wasn't sure Mud Briar was allergic to. "Correct." Mud Briar buzzed. "In my defense... I am ashamed." He looked down. Be ashamed all you like, Mud Briar, Trixie internally gloated, For as soon as the Great and Powerful Trixie sees a way, you will be ashamed and doomed! "You wouldn't stop talking about it for a month." Maud said. "You looked up the movie theater's schedule obsessively. How did you forget the title." "Do you remember the title?" Mud Briar asked. "Please tell me you do." Maud stared for a few seconds. "Nope." She eventually said. Mud Briar looked down again. "Okay, okay." Starlight tried to soothe everyone. "We know this mysterious movie's airing sometime today. Right?" "Correct. I recall this theater is scheduled to air this particular movie once every few hours for the entirety of this week," Mud Briar said. "It's a new installation in a series. Immensely popular." "And it's probably got something to do with some kind of..." Starlight began to wave a hoof with each thing she listed, "... plants, or wood, or leaves, or something. Right?" "Absolutely." Mud Briar confirmed. "But the name continues to escape me. Prediction: I shall likely be rather vexed upon remembering the name several hours in the future. It is likely I will never 'live this down', as the jocular phrase is generally employed." That is absolutely correct, Mr. Mud Briar... You won't, Trixie thought, imagining herself petting a suspiciously Starlight Glimmer-colored kitty cat. "It's okay." Maud consoled him with awkward pats on the arm. "You get stressed in theaters." Mud Briar turned his nose up. "Affirmative. They are full of germs and smell like burned butter." "We packed your towelettes. It'll be okay." Maud continued patting. "Trixie, can you talk to the lady at the counter. Just ask her what movies are airing today and try to find the one about sticks. You're good at getting information out of ponies." She was, sometimes. "Wait." Maud caught her leg as she went to walk off - causing Trixie's heart to stop for an instant in terror - and hoofed her a bag of bits. "Remember we need five tickets because there are five of us." "Yes yes, Trixie's got it," she laughed nervously, and approached the ticket-lady. "Morning, ma'am!" the freckled girl smiled perkily. Trixie disliked her on sight. "And a very good morning to you!" Trixie said, doffing her hat. "The Great and Powerful Trixie wishes to see a movie, but has, despite her usually keen memory, forgotten the title. She is certain it airs today! In this establishment!" "Oh, that happens all the time." She whistled when she made "s" sounds. She was adorable. Trixie hated her. "Do you remember what it's about?" "Indeed! One: It is part of a series. Two: It is related to trees. Three: It is very popular." "Hmm," the girl danced in place a bit and looked around in thought, "I can think of two such movies airing today, ma'am. Is that your group back there?" She craned her neck to look beyond Trixie. Trixie glanced back to be sure no one else had come in to be identified as her group. "Good morning!" Mud Briar said loudly. "Or perhaps hello! I believe either is suitable for the occasion!" Maud rolled her eyes and sighed out her nose. Trixie turned back with a scowl. "Trixie is obligated to say yes." She hissed. The clerk rolled her eyes. "Oh, I know what that nerd wants to see. Tree of Harmony III. It's an 'epic' telling of the whole Elements of Harmony story. It's all gritty and realistic, has awkward forced romance plots, every single time a good guy appears it starts playing upbeat trumpets, the whole nine yards. If you ask me, the first two were pretty good but they're starting to go downhill, ya know?" Trixie nodded, slightly dizzy from the girl's ranting. Any long enough series tended to have that problem. They ran out of ideas, lost key staff, changed the direction or introduced some new gimmick that ruined all the lore, and - what Trixie hated the most - brought back annoying minor characters for fan service. Sweetie Belle was in the middle of squealing angrily at Rarity when she suddenly stopped. "What. What is it now, Sweetie Belle. What are you going to say!?" Rarity hissed, teary-eyed. "I'm sorry, Rarity," Sweetie Belle said in a trance, walking slowly to the window and staring out towards the theater, "You're not the most hypocritical pony in Equestria." Her eyes looked a thousand yards away. "There is someone greater." "Is it Trixie?! Tell me it's Trixie. I can't be more hypocritical than Trixie!!" Rarity fell onto her couch and levitated a fruity beverage to herself. Sweetie Belle suddenly shook her head, looking dizzy. "Trixie? Who's Trixie? What were we talking about, again? Oooh is that juice?" Trixie had to correct herself. Her least favorite thing was when a good character became "marketable" and got a crappy sidekick. She looked back at Maud and Mud Briar, imagined there was a pillow over the latter's face, and smiled sincerely. She turned back. "Who plays Twilight Sparkle?" Trixie growled. This mare was formerly #1 on Trixie's pillow-smothering to-do list. She was now #1 and a half after Mud Briar. "I dunno," the clerk shrugged, "Some Applewood tramp with no brains and a big ass. But hey, that's pretty much half of Applewood, right?" Startled, Trixie changed her mind. She liked this mare a lot. "Just to be sure..." Trixie clarified, "What is the other movie that fits this criteria?" The clerk suddenly got a big, gap-toothed smile. "Sawmill IX. He doesn't want that one. Guaranteed." Trixie had all but made up her mind already, but she didn't want the rest of the group to hate the movie too. "Tell Trixie what it's -- did you say nine?" "Yes, ma'am. Nine. One more than eight. They shit them out pretty fast." "Madness. Anyhow, Tell Trixie what it's about." Trixie continued. "A mysterious force turns ponies to living wood and some maniac or another chases them down and hacks them up into planks 'n' stuff. Their souls get trapped in the houses built of their grainy flesh." If there had been no glass, Trixie would have kissed her. "Thank you again, Trixie. We can always count on you." Maud said. Trixie's heart stung a bit. They were waiting for Maud and Mud Briar to disinfect their seats before they sat down. Since the theater wasn't full right now, they were able to take the front row. "Oh, hello..." someone said in a gentle voice that made Trixie double-take. "I-I guess I'm not the only one worried about germs..." There was a nervous laugh. "Fluttershy?" Starlight asked, disbelieving. "Wow, what are you doing here?" Yep, that was her; and Rainbow Dash was on the other side of her from them, forelegs crossed, scowling. Dash didn't look in the mood for talking. She actually looked kind of pale. Trixie hadn't tagged her as a movie-sissy. The yellow pegasus looked left and right. She struggled to reply. The others might have thought it was because Fluttershy didn't know Mud Briar or Sunburst very well and was anxious, but Trixie knew better. In fact, if Starlight had been too slow, Trixie would have had questions herself. "It can be inferred that she and... Miss Rainbow Dash, if I am not mistaken... are here to watch the same movie as us," Mud Briar answered for her. Fluttershy nodded and looked away, tapping her hooves together. Dash just gave a curt "yep that's me" nod and looked away grumpily. Starlight, the eternal sweetheart, picked the seat closest to Fluttershy, presumably so she'd be between friends. The lights went off and the movie started. An hour or two later, the five of them sat with utterly blank expressions at the local Hay Burger. Well, the other four did. Trixie was doing her hooves-together-looking-over-them thing again. Okay, get this right, Trix... She thought to herself. She heard herself clearing her throat in her head. Why Mud Briar. Did the movie... slay you? Oh ho ho. Then she scowled, her face a bit red. Celestia's mustache that was horrible. Mud Briar had not spoken a word since the movie had started with a cold open wherein a tree-stallion had immediately taken an axe to the groin. He blinked as a heaping plate of tater tots was set in front of him. He looked down. He put one in his mouth. He chewed and swallowed. "Trixie." Mud Briar finally spoke. "Yes, Mud Briar?" Trixie asked in a very sweet voice. Don't fuck this up, Trixie. "That was not the correct movie." he said, and put another tater tot in his mouth. "And these are delectable." "Trixie is very sorry," she cooed, "She must have... mixed them up, somehow. The ticket-mare described Sawmill and Trixie was sure you'd think it was just... to die for! Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm-ha! Mwahahahaha!" Everyone in the restaurant stared at her. Nailed it, she thought. She put her hooves back down and cleared her throat. "Trixie will need to pay Maud back, of course." "That's okay, Trixie," Maud said. "I liked the gory tree movie. I would not die for it, though." "They killed the hot one!!!" Sunburst wailed, and buried his face in his burger. He mumbled something about how they never kill the hot one. "Worry not, Sunburst. It was a movie. The actress and her unnaturally voluminous undercarriage are unmarred somewhere in reality," Mud Briar soothed him. Sunburst wiped at his face with a napkin and nodded. "I've never seen a pony get split like a log with an axe," Starlight shuddered. "I mean, sure she was made out of wood and stuff, but gosh that's gross." Trixie had mentally projected Mud Briar's face onto everyone who died - especially that first fellow - and had been quite comfortable with the whole thing. "Poor Fluttershy," Sunburst sobbed, "She must have been traumatized..." "Are you kidding? She loved it," Starlight said. "I was right next to her. You didn't hear her whispering? 'Yeah, yeah, get 'em', she was saying. It was Rainbow Dash who was sobbing and hiding her face." Everyone stared at Starlight like she was nuts. "Fuck it, don't believe me," Starlight shrugged. Someone from the next table over laughed. "You folks went to see Sawmill IX, didn't you?" Starlight growled. "No, we went to see Tree of Harmony III, and the Great and Bumbling Trixie got the wrong tickets, so we ended up seeing Sawmill IX." The entire restaurant erupted in laughter. "That's hilarious," somebody guffawed. "This is a rhetorical statement, but someone please kill me." Mud Briar said, calmly eating his tater tots. You've forgotten to blow out the candle, Mr. Mud Briar. But if you insist... Trixie thought to herself. She might have felt more menacing if she was not doubled over on the table giggling and hiccuping like a schoolfilly.