//------------------------------//
// Letter 81 
// Story: Dear Princess Sunbutt 
// by 2Merr 
//------------------------------//



Dear Princess Hot Pocket, 

Buckle the fuck up for this one. Trixie has somehow managed to do something even I couldn’t: she achieved full retard. 

To preface this, I’ve recently been teaching Trixie teleportation because she wanted to incorporate it into her show. Think about that for a minute. She’s so bad at real magic that she had to resort to stage magic, but she’s so bad at stage magic that she needs to use real magic to make it look like she’s doing fake magic. And we’re not even at half retard yet. 

While I was teaching her, she did pretty k. On her first attempt she didn’t go anywhere, but she did disappear for half a second. I wanted her to sit on my face, so I called it a successful teleport. She decided she was now good enough to do it on stage, so she didn’t need any more practice. One “success” and she was ready to do it live. And we’re still nowhere near full retard. 

On the big stage, in front of literally tens of people, Bluedini tried to remove her own spleen by stealthily teleporting it out. She actually succeeded. Much to her surprise, she then began hemorrhaging profusely. 90% retard. 

Instead of rushing to the hospital where people know how to reattach spleens, she tried teleporting it back into her body. She succeeded again. It went inside one of her lungs. 95% retard. 

By this point, someone had already gotten a medic. He ran over to try fixing the unfixable, but Trixie was determined to die. Before he could reach her, she cast the cloning spell on herself, thus achieving full retard.

As expected, the new body was a perfect copy, including all the mortal injuries—still hemorrhaging, spleen still in the lungs, still named Trixie. Also as expected, the old body exploded into a Brazilian pieces, showering the crowd in blood and Trix Mix. 

The medic* was a fucking trooper, though. Dude must have been a soldier or something, because he didn’t hesitate for a single second before working his magic to unfuck Trixie 2. And unfuck her he did. She somehow survived, despite dying once already. 

Now, there are only three things in this world that get my jibbly bits quivering every single time: traumatizing children, reading, and dangerous misuse of magic. Needless to say, Trixie and I had hot lesbian horse sex for hours afterward. Everyone in a half-mile radius could smell the girlmusk. Anon and Spike will be staying in a hotel room until the library is fumigated. 

Your second loosest screw, 
Spergles





* The medic’s name was Amber Lamps. He was pretty chill, said he’s seen worse before, though I didn’t get a chance to ask him about the “worse.” He dipped out as soon as he was sure Trixie was going to live. If I find him again, I’ll see if I can get him to sit down with me for a drink so we can swap stories. 

Love, Anon