Rainbow Dash insisted on a bathroom break.
She'd already handled her business before the game started, but she wanted to make sure every gut was empty before the next round. Fortunately, Twilight had Twilighted herself half to death; everypony just presumed she wanted to give Twilight a rest but was too proud to say so, and easily went with it. (And maybe Twilight's health was part of it, sure.)
Five minutes in, of course it started raining. Luna's nose wrinkled. "I'm sorry," she offered. "At the time I invited you, tonight was scheduled to be clear. The very next day, the bureau scheduled a storm over Canterlot." She sighed out of her nose. "Damned Fancy Pants, I'm certain. I've no idea what anypony needs a storm for exactly tonight, but I will have his head if any air traffic incidents occur."
Rarity had been in the bathroom the last time Luna talked crap about Fancy Pants, so her eyes went wide. The prissy chick laughed nervously and smiled. "O-oh yes, the weather in Ponyville can be quite whimsical as well! Can't it, Rainbow Dash?"
She nodded with a scowl. Rainbow Dash was more familiar with weather bureaucracy than she'd like to be. To keep Equestria from turning into a desert, there had to be a certain amount of rainfall in a given period of time. To prevent a meteoric meltdown, like the Great Cloudsdale Fire sixty years ago, they had to let some thunderclouds out now and again. Depending on which days ponies needed to do what work, especially if it was construction or something else weather-sensitive, they had to scoot and skedaddle the storms around. So, basically, any petty thing, with enough whining and demanding, could force the weather bureau to reschedule the weather for the month. The Princess seemed to think that Fancy Pants was related. Dash had no idea what Fancy Pants actually did for a living, but he sure showed up a lot in Canterlot. She'd seen him talking with Spitfire now and again too... maybe he just made deals with the right people. A you scratch my wings I'll scratch yours kinda guy. Spitfire hated those kinds of guys.
Dash realized they were expecting her to say something, and racked her brain for what was an appropriate way to express all this to the Princess. "We rescheduled the weather because of a cat stuck in a tree once," she said. Luna smiled and seemed okay with that answer.
They turned their heads at the sound of the bathroom door opening, and Pinkie slowly walked out. Dash's jaw dropped. She was radiant and ethereal, almost like a Princess herself. She strode elegantly to her pillow and smoothly flowed onto it. She stretched out one foreleg and began to stroke part of the pillow the way villains stroked their cats in those old spy flicks. Dash knew exactly why she was so comfortable and she didn't like it one bit.
Pinkie was the last one out of the bathroom, so Dash excused herself. Rarity pouted, which meant she must have said something rude, but she had no idea what it was so whatever. "Forgive me, Princess, but it seems we're resuming presently," Rarity said, and Luna nodded as she went back across to her pillow.
Rainbow Dash gently poked Twilight before heading back to her seat. "Shuffle the cards for us real quick, Twi," she requested. "Both decks. Don't mix 'em, of course." Twilight raised an eyebrow, looked around, got nods from everyone else - including a slow, smug one from Pinkie - and levitated the cards over to herself.
Dash attempted to ooze onto her pillow like Pinkie had and promptly vanished into the darkness, with only the flutter of shuffling cards for company. Celestia's tits, she thought to herself, and then realized what a good thing it was she did not say that aloud this time. By the time she fished herself out and hung off the pillow like a drowning mare clinging to an inner tube, Twilight was setting the shuffled cards down in front of her.
"How many shuffles was that, Twi?" Dash asked.
"Twenty," Twilight told her. "I removed the cards drawn this game and replaced them at the back of the deck, of course. If you'd like, I can count the cards and estimate how many shuffles are needed --"
"No, it's cool," Dash cut her off quickly. She looked seriously around at her companions. "I need everyone to understand a few things before we continue," she said unexpectedly.
The others looked at her, tilting their heads. Pinkie raised her chin imperiously.
"Twilight has just shuffled the decks." Rainbow Dash continued. "You understand? They were just shuffled by the one pony in this room who would never spite the rules of the game, or the natural order of the world we live in. Is everyone rested? Is everyone sitting down?"
She furrowed her brows. "Because this is Pinkie's turn."
Rainbow Dash's uncharacteristic seriousness caused most of her companions to wriggle uncomfortably. Luna, however, only smiled. Dash could see her wings twitching and smiled a bit herself; that was a sign of excitement mostly in foals.
"Applejack," Dash addressed her neighbor, "Are you ready to save me if things go south?"
Applejack laughed and shook her head. "No guarantees, sugarcube, it'll be every mare fer herself."
"Fair." Dash nodded. She looked around at the group, then down, then breathed in and sighed, then looked at the pink goddess of doom. "Alright, Pinkie. Which is it?"
Pinkie leaned forward, her hooves folded together like she was running a scheme. "Let's give the Princess a treat," she said. "Truth."
She'd been afraid of that.
Luna leaned forward also, in a very similar posture, ignoring the shudders around her.
"Why'd I ask." Dash trembled. "Alright, everypony. It was nice knowin' you. I'm bitin' the bolt." And she slowly, gingerly, drew her card.
"What's the girliest thing you've ever seen -- ever seen me, Rainbow Dash, ever do?! Aagh!" Dash threw the card and flailed her hooves.
Rarity caught it unceremoniously and looked it over critically. "Indeed." she droned in a monotone. "It says 'me, Rainbow Dash' on it. It has her name. Amazing." She passed it to Twilight for verification and rolled her eyes.
Rainbow Dash thought that Rarity could go screw herself. Pinkie just forced a card through a Twilight Shuffle; she thought that was pretty fucking impressive. Pinkie may as well have put her own name, it was such an obvious plant, so she was probably really proud of... whatever she did to get it there.
Twilight must have been impressed too, as she scowled back and forth between the card she was holding and the ones in the box. She checked both sides, felt all around it, and even licked it, making a face like a cat about to sneeze.
"Golly," Pinkie said innocently, "That's oddly specific. How weird that Rainbow Dash drew that card when Twilight just shuffled the deck. A-hmmm."
"I move to withdraw this question," Dash huffed, "Because it's my truth and not her truth." Impressive as the force was, she was disappointed in the content. How was this a treat for the Princess?
"I agree," Twilight said. "I mean, I'm... I'm absolutely flummoxed that you somehow forced this card, but --"
"Dashie," Pinkie crooned, and the pegasus's blood ran cold. She knew Pinkie's earlier tricks by name - the Funny Accent, the Funny Not-Funniness. She now recognized this one too.
Pinkie shook her head and confirmed Dash's fears. "That's obviously a doctored card. Dismiss it."
That's the only reason Pinkie would have forced such an obviously fake card; it wasn't the card she was using. Dash was the victim of the Fake Reveal. This card was just the announcement - the harbinger of the end times to come. She looked down at the deck, knowing the card in front, the next one to be drawn, was the true weapon. Her wings crushed tight against her body in Iron Defense position. If she was holding a cake in there, Celestia couldn't get to it.
Everyone was silent. The rain had grown more heavy, and Dash could hear the sound of thunder brewing. The only other sound was everyone's heartbeats; or was that just hers? Rarity had gotten a bit tipsy once and poetically slurred something about all of their hearts beating in unison or some bullshit.
Pinkie couldn't possibly have predicted (or caused) the storm that wasn't even scheduled yet, and known how long it would have taken to get to her turn to line it up with the storm starting, and forced two cards through a Twilight Shuffle Times Twenty, could she? If she did, she should be on the weather team. Somewhere in the cosmos there was probably a Chaosquestria ruled by Discord and Pinkie.
Dash resolved never to play poker against Pinkie ever again. (Even if Pinkie only played when no money was on the table.)
"Draw the next one, please," the bubblegum demon said sweetly.
Dash looked at the others. They nodded solemnly. The room began to dim, the lightbulbs flickering, but Luna looked between Pinkie and the windows outside, and she only brightened.
But Rainbow Dash was now Rainbow Danger Awful-Timin' Total Wuss Dash. She'd been scared just to have her name show up on a card.
She put her hoof on the next card.
She was so fucked.
Dash inhaled slowly, sighed, and drew the next card. Gingerly, she forced her eyes onto it.
The first thing she felt was sheer terror. The second was that damn sappy feeling. This question was at once enormously frightening, but at the same time, the sweetest card Pinkie could have possibly picked. Her heart told her that these two feelings did not go together and if she did not kick herself out of this mental state she was about to pass out.
"... Guh," Rainbow Dash said, glancing towards Luna, whose tail was swishing with anticipation.
"... 'Guh'?" Twilight repeated. "Thaaat can't be the card..?"
"The card says," Dash restarted, glaring at Twilight, and then she shivered.
"What's the worst nightmare you've ever had?"
There was a bright flash, and a crash of thunder; everyone jumped, except Luna. She was clapping her hooves, which was.. probably unrelated to the timing of the thunder. Dash had definitely never seen her so outwardly happy before... she was like a big, star-spangled filly. She put her head on her forehooves and craned forward, wiggling her back legs behind her. She'd seen girls at their own birthday parties less delighted than Luna right now.
"How could you!" Pinkie Pie decried. "That is such a cruel question to ask of a poor, sweet filly who's had nightmares since before Luna came back, eeergo, she might not know about them all!"
Luna nodded rapidly. Twilight mouthed "ergo" to no one in particular.
The lightning flashed again, and then the room went pitch black. Someone squealed over the crash of thunder.
"Fluttershy, darling! It was just the storm," Rarity cooed. "It must have taken the lights out! You... don't need to cling to me. Or, maybe you do, I don't mind."
A light turned on from beneath Pinkie's pillow. It half-lit her from below, making her look tall, gaunt, and spooky. "I was all alone in the dark." She hissed.
"Oh no," Fluttershy opined.
"Oh wonderful!" Luna whispered.
"I knew not space or time!" Pinkie bellowed theatrically. "It was one of those weird dreams where all your memories go poof! You become a totally different pony who thinks it's normal that your mom's a corn dog and your brother is Grogar in a zoot suit!"
"Dream dissociation, happens more often than not," Luna breathed. She wasn't even blinking. She was just staring with wide, attentive eyes. Dash remembered when Luna had caught her "dissociating" as a voluptuous cow of a mare prancing in a field and hoped Luna had forgotten.
"So I wandered the blackness." Pinkie continued, walking in place on her pillow. "I was afraid. I was petrified! I didn't have my sweetest and dearest friends at my side. I called out: 'Star Shower! Spinach Dip! Where are you?!'"
Twilight's brows furrowed. "Who the heck are --"
"MEMORY-POOF!!!" Pinkie shrieked at her, then coughed. "I heard Spinach Dip's voice, somewhere in the endless abyss." She cleared her throat. "'Haaayelp us, Churry-Chawnguh! Haaaayelp us!'" She coughed. "But her voice was weird! Like she had a whole buncha blecchhh in her throat!"
"That's just yer attempt at my accent," Applejack protested.
"Spinach Dip, shush." Pinkie retorted. "So I followed their voices through the cold. There was no floor beneath me! No sky above me! My little sugar-coated heart was beating in my ears! I couldn't tell up from down. I was dizzy with terror! I thought I heard hoofsteps just in front of me. Something was... deathly wrong..."
Luna wriggled in her seat, her eyes bright and sparkling.
"AND-THEN-BLEAAARRGHHHH!!" Pinkie cried abruptly, and suddenly she was an enormous face - a clown face, full of sharp teeth, with three distinct freckles on each cheek, and a large sombrero.
Everyone screamed, except Luna. "OH SWEET SUN AND MOON..." Fluttershy cried out in horror - and then Dash noticed Luna looking in surprise at her right wing, and the long pink tail sticking out from beneath. Her lip trembling, Luna tugged the poor shuddering girl closer and leaned into her with a smile, her eyes watering. Pinkie was a mad genius.
"Spinach Dip was a DEMON!!" Pinkie hollered,. "But-not-just-any-demon! No... Sheeee waaas aaa HONK-DEMON!!"
"She was a clown," Twilight pointed out.
"THOSE-ARE-THE-WORST-DEMONS!" Pinkie cried.
"Th-they r-r-r-really a-a-a-aaarree..." Fluttershy sobbed from under Luna's wing. Luna gently cradled her. Dash hoped that this wasn't affecting Fluttershy too badly... The girls had learned that Fluttershy actually liked to be scared, but not too scared. Dash wasn't sure how to tell which one she was.
"But then... I heard the others." Pinkie continued in her spookiest voice. With each step she took upon her stage, a clown honk caused Fluttershy to jump a bit under Luna's wing. "Like Star Shower..." And she pinched her nose. "'Nyeeh, Cherry-Changa, there's no such word as 'okefenokee'..." She let go. "But gurgling! Like she was drowning!"
Dash struggled not to burst into laughter as she vaguely saw Twilight's pout. "If my voice was that nasally, I'd drown me too," Twilight said.
"Don't go near water, dear," Rarity teased with a smile. Twilight pouted harder at her.
"And then Primrose spoke!" Pinkie lounged on her pillow, as sensually as possible. "'Oh daaaarling, let us make you beaautiful like us~'" Then she leapt up. "BUT SHE WAS DEFINITELY USING AUTOTUNE!"
"How insulting!" Rarity whined. "I am neither that sultry nor do I need autotune!"
"If I strained my ears, I could hear Chemtrail!" Pinkie adjusted her larynx and tried to get even higher-pitched than she normally was. "'So like WOW I am SO COOL as a mutated honk-demon-monster-clown!'"
Dash's face and wings started to itch. She hoped she wasn't glowing in the dark. "I am not that squeaky," she asserted with forelegs crossed.
"Mm-hmm," she heard Applejack mocking her.
"And even sweet little Yellowjacket... " And Pinkie shifted to a far gentler voice. "'Oh my, Cherry, did we leave you all alone? I'm sorry...'"
"Th-that is actually a v-v-very good impression o-o-f m-meeee..." Fluttershy wailed. The girls were always impressed with Pinkie's Fluttershy voice - she could even fool Discord. Heck, when Fluttershy was really excited, she sounded like Pinkie sometimes.
Applejack and Rainbow Dash shared an embarrassed look. Ponies used to have trouble telling their voices apart too, especially when they were younger. No amount of "but she has an accent" seemed to matter. Unfortunately, the main reason that ponies could tell them apart now is Applejack's voice got deeper and... Dash's didn't.
"They all came after me!" Pinkie continued. "Flooding out of the darkness! Pursuing! Chasing! Honking! Like a pack of angry geese! ... or just geese, honestly!" Luna beamed. "I turned and I wanted to run, but I couldn't move..." Pinkie wailed like a ghost.
"Oh yes, sleep paralysis," Luna mumbled quietly, "Extremely common, very frightening experience, unfortunately attracts Shadowlings..." Is that what those things were?! Dash was going to have to talk to Twilight and Zecora about never suffering sleep paralysis again, it was terrifying.
"I knew the only way to save my friends was with my zombiephone!" Pinkie claimed.
"Zombie-whaaa?" Twilight asked.
"It's-like-a-xylophone-except-it-makes-your-friends-not-zombies," Pinkie droned, waving a hoof dismissively. "Anyway..." She hopped up to full height. "I tried to summon my zombiephone, but my body... just... didn't move!! I was heavy, and weak, and stiff... I couldn't even call out: Zombie! Zombie! Zombie... PHONE! UWAAAAH!"
"Cryin' shame," Applejack jabbed.
"And then! And then... he showed up..." Pinkie waved her hoof as though opening a cupboard and finding a rat.
"My word! Who?!" Rarity asked.
"FUTON!!!" Pinkie shrieked.
"I love futons!" Rarity retorted. Her friends already knew this, as at least once a week they each had to remove one of her fainting couches from whatever room in the house she'd left it in. They had no idea where she stored them all (other than in their houses.) Dash lived in a cloud, she didn't even know how Rarity lugged it up there.
"Not this Futon!" Pinkie declared. "He was a --" She blinked a few times and started tapping the air to count. "Dragon-zombie-honk-demon!" She scratched her chin. "Did I miss one?" She mumbled, then shook her head. "He got right in my face, his five beady little eyes... swinging! And jiggling!"
"His eyes did wut now." Applejack questioned.
"He ought to have covered his shame." Pinkie judged. "But he did not! For he was corrupted in body, mind, and soul! He lifted one terrible, six-and-a-half-fingered claw and pointed at me. And he said..."
"O-oh-no-what-did-he-saaaay..." Fluttershy wailed, shivering under Luna's wing.
Pinkie took on a horrendous croaking voice. "'YOU DID THIS, CHERRY...'" She hacked, sputtered, and coughed. "And I cried, because I knew it was true... In the dream. With the memory-poof thing? My stupid dream-me just kinda went with it. Anyway."
She looked solemnly between the faces of her friends, and then down. "Somehow I knew that I was the one who let them all down. They'd all become zombie-honk-demon-things. 'cause-a-me."
With a crackle and a buzz, the lights flickered back on.
"And that was the first night I spent at the Cakes' house!" Pinkie concluded brightly.
Rainbow Dash could only stare.
That was so fucking awesome.