//------------------------------//
// Slight Learning Sensation (7) 
// Story: Super Pony Roomies 
// by TheManehattanite 
//------------------------------//


23


“Well this is quite a to-do, isn’t it, Mr. B?” the man-(?)-servant said to the pony in black. 

“Yes indeed, Baldrick.” The butler turned a page of his newspaper without looking up or taking his hooves off the table. “Of course, with your life of day to day drudgery any time the lavatory flushes in a slightly different direction probably counts as ‘a bit of a to-do’.”

“It can’t half get intense ‘round our way during the rainy season, I’ll tell you that, sir,” the matted floor scrubber agreed. 

“Don’t.” Blackadder took another sip of pilfered Neighponese blend. “We’ve certainly landed on our hooves this time, Balders. Or at least I have, only the Great Pony knows what those things on the end of your legs are.” 

“Yes sir. Why, just this afternoon the Royal Medical College asked me if they could study them. From a high tower in a locked room through a really powerful telescope. I was so proud I almost wrote to our mum.”

“Well the central Equestrian post office is only a few perilous falls down a ravine away, why didn’t you?”

“I forgot whether I know how to write or not.” The studio audience of pots and pans roared with silent laughter. 

“Well I shouldn’t risk it then, could be dangerous. Surprised you’ve been allowed to mess around with the floors, honestly.” 

“Oh, my hooves are so repulsive they kill off most of the common or garden muck. I’m told provided I only use one and don’t hang about too long it’s actually quite good for the environment.”

“Remarkable!” Blackadder finally looked up from the Canterlot Herald. “And here I thought I’d found all the really good reasons not to want you around. Still, even you’d have to make a considerable effort to drive me out of a post this cushy. And as we both know, you’re about as worth considering as somepony who got lost on the way to a pub open mic night, and turned up with a box of rude shaped vegetables at a puritan’s dinner party.” 

“It was the aubergine what let me down,” Baldrick agreed languidly. 

“Play our cards right, discarding the used hankies and dead moths that comprise your hand, and we could really make something of ourselves up here!” Blackadder folded the paper and wistfully adjusted his lapels. “I as majordomo, you as something small in a bag in the corner of a dark underground room, with one of those doors that only opens from the inside.”

“Will we not be going back with Prince Blueblood then?” 

“I shouldn’t think so, no.” Blackadder began to pace contemplatively. “All we’ve got to do is keep our heads down during one of these random assaults and convince his royal ignoramus that the only thing young fillies these days love more than a stallion who sticks his neck out for danger is one who has a sarcastic tattoo on it, like ‘Cut along diagonal line’. Then we simply tidy what’s left into a bucket and add it to our resumés. I could even use him as fertiliser for the flowers at his funeral. An example of how I’m the sort of pony who takes the initiative!” 

“You don’t fancy the princess’ chances then?” Baldrick asked, wringing his sponge and turning it biohazardous colours. 

“T’ch!” Blackadder scoffed as if with centuries of experience. “Which one? Because unless the final confrontation comes down to a high stakes sitting around and waving competition they probably don’t have any.”

“Word down the Trough and Barrel is Princess Luna’s in charge.” 

“Well, far be it from me to question the tactical acumen of somepony who spent every decade after the Renaissance on the moon, Baldrick, but according to the briefing parliament received upon her return, consisting of her own testimony, the only thing she did for those hundreds of years, besides contemplate nightmarish ways to enslave everything on Earth, was try and come up with a fresh, dynamic spin on Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad to me, sir.” Baldrick helped himself to a potato. 

“Then how about the fact she only managed three? And two of them just switched the first letters of the words around.” Blackadder peered into a shiny pot’s surface to fix his reflection’s tie. “I wouldn’t go so far as to insult the lady by suggesting she really is the prince’s aunt. They married into the family, after all. But you’ve got to admit she’s hardly been making the best of this one in a million second chance.”

“What about all that charity work and the night stuff?” Baldrick dipped his potato in his bucket water and took another bite. “Helpin’ ponies with their ‘orrible dreams and such?”

“Precisely: what about it?” Blackadder asked over his shoulder, spooning coffee beans into assorted preparation machines with the royals’ cutie marks on them. “I mean, she comes back to find that with inflation the lint in her piggy bank could now buy Hawhinny. But, instead of becoming governor for life and hunting tourists for sport, she just skulks around in the dark, wondering why nopony likes her and eating spiders! Shame about the class barrier, the two of you could’ve opened the world’s most depressing café together.” 

“Is that what you’d do with the power of the night itself then, Mr. B?” 

“Mmm? Oh, Hawhinny was just an example,” Blackadder clarified, arranging some jaffa cakes just so on the princesses’ plates before stealing one for himself. “Although now you mention it, something about those shirts just always cheesed me off…”

“No, I meant skulk in the dark, eating spiders and wondering why nopony likes you.”

Blackadder shoved Baldrick’s face into his bucket on the way to the fridge for some milk. 

“The only thing these would be assassins have to worry about with her royal So-What’s-This-In-Door-Plumbing-Malarkey-Thenness in charge is that her nephew’ll say something to make her strangle him herself. I’d almost think getting the two of them to take each other out was the reason Princess Celestia put the matter in her second-rate sister’s third-rate horseshoes, if it wasn’t for the fact she smiles all the bloody time. Still got your sponge?”

“Y’ph’ ph’rr,” Baldrick managed. It was in his mouth. 

“Bite down a little, then.” Blackadder held the empty cup with Blueblood’s cutie mark on it. Baldrick’s jaws wrung a distressingly grey-green stream into it until Blackadder held up a hoof for when. “Thaaank you.”

The various custom appliances began to whistle as he flicked off the stove burners. 

“Still, the wallflower has thorns. It’s just possible she might save him by sitting on the next attacker or something. Assuming old Blue Brains doesn’t smother them with his tail the next time he bends over to grab a penny. There’s some way to make a profit here, Balders, it just requires the right sort of plan. A plan so cunning you could dress it in a tuxedo and put in charge of covertly poisoning sompony at your dinner party!”

“Or you could just let Princess Twilight take care of it, sir,” Baldrick observed cheerfully as his superior made sure the prince’s milk and coffee were thoroughly mixed with the whatever it was from his sponge. 

“Yes Baldrick, and I could also save time by either laying my head across the tracks now or by simply driving the train myself. Although if the so-called princess were the train in this analogy I’d probably be perfectly safe. She’d either be headed in the most wrong direction since the captain of the Titanic or so late I’d have starved to death.”

“Promises, promises,” said a carefully pleasant young mare’s voice. 

Blackadder realised the shift in light at some point had been a door silently opening, and wagged a stern hoof. “And that, Baldrick, is an example of the kind of treasonous gutter sniping I hope never to hear in these halls! Is that clear?”

Baldrick glanced at the tarnished water in the bucket he was holding. “Well, it’s been in my hooves for more than five minutes Mr. B.”

“I mean do you understand?”

“Uh…”

“Never mind, get on with your work.” Blackadder executed a perfect surprised spin and bow without missing a beat. “Your highnesses! What an unexpected pleasure.”

“Hello, Mr. Blackadder,” Twilight smirked next to Luna, who’s eyes were steadily turning moon-glow white. “It’s like those study sessions at monocyte manor all over again.”

“Such fond memories!” Blackadder oozed. “Have I mentioned how glad I am to see you yet?”

“Yes, I expect you’re as glad as a Mr. Glad of the Year contestant who’s just found out all the others died of heart attacks on his birthday.”

“Ah, I see your time away hasn’t diminished your mastery of the Canterlot analogy!” Blackadder tried a smile, but since he hadn’t just conned someone out of their life savings it wasn’t especially convincing. 

“Yes, it’s like riding a bicycle with really big wheels over ponies you don’t like.” Twilight continued to smile sweetly even as she was forced to lean around Luna’s billowing mane, which seemed to be growing larger as the Moon Raiser stood in outraged stillness. “Funny to see you here, what with Blueblood off on his own! And in such hectic times, too!” 

“Well, ma’am,” Blackadder smarmed, making the tactical masterstroke of picking up the coffee tray to look busy but the mistake of smarming, “it is the duty of a Blackadder to anticipate all our employer’s needs, even before they know they need them! And where else in the capital could good old Prince Blueblood need to be than his beloved aunts’ castle? So of course I offered my services, which unfortunately includes Baldrick down there…Say hello, Baldrick.”

“Hello, Raldbick.”

“He does his best.” 

“That counts for a lot,” Twilight smiled more sternly. “And how fortuitous! We were hoping that you’d not only prepare Bluebloods rooms but spread the word among the guards to be on the lookout for any tour ponies. Nothing violent, but they might have something to do with these attacks.”

“The prince…here?!” Blackadder tried to remain unflappable and boggle at the same time. 

“Yep!” Twilight beamed sweetly. “He arrived with me almost ten minutes ago. He’s being entertained in the gala hall, under the care of the Horseshoe Torch and my assistant Spike. You informing the rest of the castle would free me and the royal sisters up to spend more time guarding him, as well as ensure everypony’s safety.”

“Are you sure, your majesty? It’s just, what with one thing and another, the prince’s current predicament, say, might not bringing the most targeted pony in Canterlot straight to the heart of the monarchy be considered the most inadvisable move since noted pioneer Brigadier Blastersump elected to wear a kilt while hunting short sighted squirrels during the great nut shortage of 1926?” 

“It is almost sunset, Mr. Blackadder.” Luna’s voice didn’t so much echo as it sounded like lots and lots of little whispering things were repeating the sentence. Perhaps it was all the kitchen items that were now slightly levitating. 

“Rightawayma’am.” The scion of one of Equestria’s most slimy dynasties whirled on his heels with ballerina grace, not so much as rattling the tray on his back as he fled. 

“Sleep tight!” Luna called sweetly after him, eyes now normal. 

“Nice to see you again Mr. Baldrick,” Twilight smiled genuinely. 

“You too, ma’am.” 

The dogsbody smiled back, the pleasantness coming through loud and clear despite his several skin conditions. Luna offered him two jaffa cakes from the box she was levitating. 


***


“Almost wish I could pin it all on him,” Luna muttered as she and Twilight shared the rest out in the hall. Despite the tension they were snacking, because the prospect of a long Canterlot dinner with a prince who only drank water if it was imported but also somehow nationalist inspired lots of ways to cut the time as short as possible. 

“Working for Blueblood’s probably punishment enough,” Twilight pointed out through a chocolate orangey mouthful, and felt a mild elation whip through her as the Princess of the Night chuckled at that. 

It wasn’t quite Celestia tier but ever since her coronation Luna’s approval had taken on a new appeal. Maybe it was being the oldest little sister or something. 

“Sorry I don’t have more to give you, Princess. Applejack made the big connection, and he may be a creep but Blackadder’s right. The best I’ve got is bringing Blueblood here and gambling it's either too formidable or tempting a target.”

“A Skrull is hardly nothing, Princess Twilight,” Luna smiled. “Earth may not be ready to join the intergalactic community but terrorising citizens of a companionable world of the Shi’ar Empire is a far different matter than the usual trial by combat nonsense. Current treaty allows the Skrulls to create a new identity to move among non-member populations unmolested, not kidnap them! The neighbouring systems will want to be seen enforcing it, whatever they feel about our little backwater.” 

“Still can’t believe you’ve been off-world!” Twilight squeed slightly. 

“The trick is to remember to bring enough air with you when you teleport to the other side of the atmosphere,” Luna smiled ruefully. “I doubt my sister will be happy turning away all tours for the duration of the crisis, but that’s sound strategy. As was sending envoys on ahead to prepare us for Blueblood’s presence. As a precaution I’ve had all the staff in his part of the guest quarters moved to the south towers for the night. If this shifter does try their tricks it’ll be just them and me.”

“Us,” Twilight said with respectful firmness. “Five of us mean more of a chance of catching them. Six if your sister gets back from that mine inspection in time.”

“Very well,” Luna said neutrally. “We shall be glad of your company in any event. It is always good to have friends at your side.”

“Does that include Johnnycake?” Twilight asked. “I know he’s up to something but I’ve already had to work around Applejack arguing with him all day, and if we’re going to watch each other’s backs…”

“I’ve had to work with far more disagreeable creatures than that ‘superhero’ to keep this continent from sinking into the ocean, Princess. Have no fear. Honestly? I’m tempted to watch him pull this stunt of his just to watch it backfire on him.” Luna’s smile folded back into a frown. “No offence to your paramour but I still do not care for that word. Superhero.”

“You…know about Peter, then,” Twilight said quietly as they passed a series of windows. The gardeners on the other side were too far away to hear anything but it was instinctual. 

“Hmm? Oh, that’s right, some of them need to keep it a secret. Apologies. Our sister thought it prudent to…keep me in the loop…?” Luna kept the relief out of her face as Twilight nodded. “I find Manehattan’s  defenders as admirable as many of the champions I grew up with, but the times we came from…sometimes it was heroic for a pony to simply smile in the face of another long winter, or to ask for a hoof in marriage from a different rank. And braver for the other to accept. The idea that strange powers and gadgetry make one not only a hero but superior to others…”

“If it helps, none of them we’ve met has ever thought of themselves that way,” Twilight said quickly. “Even Johnnycake.”

“Mmm. Do you know he and Rainbow Dash used to…?”

“Oh yeah." Twilight threw in an eye roll before she could stop herself and joined in Luna’s chuckle. Just two Princess Ponies! Talkin’ the talk! 

She wondered if that was why Luna was taking the slightly longer corridors to the gala hall, enjoying not being the littelest Alicorn anymore, but then again Blueblood was waiting for them. 

“Oh! Just occurred to me. Have you encountered Skrulls before?” 

“Yes, though none with abilities like these.” 

Luna’s eyes narrowed, though it might have just been that they were out of chocolaty orange treats. 

“It’s not that they haven’t tried to use our people before but usually less directly than this! They understand enough of magic to know matters of ownership are important. So they think if they can trick or win over a nation they’ll just magically own the entire planet. They’d be some of the most cunning little buggers Celestia and I ever stood against if they weren’t that deluded! It’s better to think of them as slightly more patient changelings. Chrysalis is only patient so she can step out from behind the curtain and tell you how patient she’s been. Silly hag. One day she’s just going to stop caring what we think of her and then we’ll see a real monster. I’ve always wanted to put out one of her eyes. Just to show her. Are you hungry?” 

“I’m good,” Twilight said quickly. 


24


“And then I said listen here Adders, me old sock suspender,” Blueblood was telling Spike as they entered the now cavernous gala hall, “the day a stallion can’t knot his own bowtie is the day the fountains on Swan Street gain sentience and start offering bargains on double glazing! At which point they did. I should thank Discord really, having the staff take care of the old dressing m’self business saves oodles of time, while also leaving a few extra seconds to really shore up your argument for why you should get that land instead of the cystic fibrosis centre.” 

“Oh Great Pony, tell me you’re here to relieve us,” Spike said a bit too loudly when he saw Twilight, leaping off the couch he’d been sprawled on and adopting a more respectful stance when he saw Luna. “Um…”

“At ease, thou good and faithful servant,” Luna smiled. She glanced over at the unlit Horseshoe Torch, casually conversing with a few staff stragglers. The mare in charge of castle tours specifically. “Stuck between these two I’m sure you deserve some relief.” 

“Huh? Oh! Eh, Johnny’s not so bad.” Spike shrugged.

“First name basis now, huh?” Twilight smirked. “No sign of anypony?”

“There isn’t supposed to be,” Luna muttered, trotting over to the awe struck group as Johnny regaled them with tales of how he’d stopped Diablo from turning the Earth's core into soft cheese and still found the time to help the scarecrow find a heart. 

“Hello, Auntie!” Blueblood beamed as she passed. “Intermission almost over is it? Listen, I’ve been thinking, since you’re in the play does that mean I don’t really have an aunt Luna?”

“No, dear, I’m afraid we’re stuck with each other.” 

Luna telekinetically lifted Johnnycake into the air above her mid tall tale, stepping into his place in front of his crowd as he dangled helplessly. “Alright, let’s break it up there! We’ll be doing for ourselves tonight.”

“We will?!” Blueblood blanched. Not that you'd be able to tell. “Oh shoes, this isn’t one of Auntie Celestia’s character building exercises is it? Sparky! You’ve always been desperate to please, be a sport and carry both our loads, eh?” 

“Get stuffed,” Twilight said distractedly, admiring one of the tapestries before her eyes lit up. “Unless it really is a character building—?” 

“No!” Luna snapped. “Oh, Force Majeure, have you gotten all your people out yet?”

“Yes Princess, no problem,” the sanguine head of tourism beamed. “I made sure to help all the guards round them up and get them to safety. I even checked in with the rest of the staff.”

“Ah, most helpful,” Luna beamed back. 

“Yeah, it’s an admirable quality!” Johnny supplied, adopting a more casual mid-air pose in the glow of Luna’s magic. “One of many, I’m sure. Maybe once I’ve finished saving the day you could show me the sights, or--”

He managed to maintain the casual pose even as Luna practically flung him onto the couch next to Blueblood, making Force Majeure chuckle. “Yeah, fair enough. Been feeling kinda weird lately.”

“Weird how?” Spike asked. “You seemed fine when we got here.”

“Dunno, just kinda snuck up on me.” Johnny shrugged. “Maybe that creepy butler guy put something in my tea.” 

“Ah, Adders and his little jokes!” Blueblood chortled. “Oh ho ho! He once pulled this amazing tea prank. Well, I forget the details, but the point is the ambassador almost died! Oh ho ho ho!” 

“Are your powers still working?” Twilight asked. “Not that I’m in a rush to set the place on fire or anything, but if we’re going to be holed up here during…whatever this Skrull is going to try I’d prefer to have you throwing fireballs at them instead of just throwing up.” 

“You silver tongued devil!” Johnny smirked, wagging a hoof and creating a floating flame construct of a smiling devil emoji. “Speaking of, where’s your friend? It’s been almost two hours since somepony expressed disappointment in me for just existing.”

“Checking out a lead,” Twilight said diplomatically. “It’s why we’re clearing the tour ponies out. AJ thinks our Skrull is piggybacking on the capital’s tourism to keep track of Blueblood, which is why all the attackers have been so random. Hang around, step in front of the closest passer-by and zap, y’know?”

“Yeah, Batroc’s brigade is not a choice somepony’d usually make,” Johnny agreed. “Wait, wait, wait, our Skrull? You guys snatching rogues again?”

“No!” Twilight said, embarrassed at how defensive she sounded. 

“I mean, you’ve kinda already got Spidey’s,” Spike pointed out. “You did that thing where you tried to end all crime and then Doc Argo--”

“Ah, a doctor at last!” Blueblood rubbed his hooves together. “You can always tell a play’s kicking into high gear when the doctor shows up! Who’s dying? Is it Sparky?” 

“Okay, so sharing’s an option is what I’m hearing,” Johnny continued, “but what I’m getting at is it’d be totally cool if you wanted to swap Chrysalis for the Skrulls.” 

“Children,” Luna said with maternal patience and the suddenness of a beanbag round, making them all turn to her. “We’re preparing the castle for a potential siege, so say goodbye to Force Majeure while these nice guards take her home.”

“Parting is such sweet sorrow—!” Johnny began, zipping up the tour pony and almost taking one of Luna’s wings off with the speed. 

“Oh, don’t worry Mr. Storm,” Majeure smiled sweetly. “You get around and my job takes me all over Canterlot. Maybe I could…help with those street names sometime?” 

“It’s always nice to meet somepony with a good sense of…direction,” Johnny smiled back. 

“Guards!” Luna called with a pinch of Canterlot voice. Windowpanes rattled.

“Yeah, just what this migraine needed, Princess, thanks,” Johnny muttered, Force Majeure trying not to laugh as he rubbed his temples. His eyes squeezed shut. “Seriously, anypony got some aspirin? This is like listening to Deadfoal talk!”

“You’ve got a migraine now?” Spike squinted, digging into his backpack. “I’ve maybe got some stuff…”

The double doors creaked open as the rattling clipclop of Majuer’s escorts approached, revealing a platoon of palace guards totem poling their helmets around both doors in concern. “Your majesties? We heard a call!”

“Just these fellows, Sergeant,” Luna assured the Pegasus mare in charge. “Sorry to alarm you. We appreciate how much you have to deal with now that our nephew is here.”

“He is?” the sergeant blinked, pushing her door further in to get a good look around the room. 

“Great Pony!” Johnny swore, clutching his heads at the scrapping so hard Twilight flapped over to check him over out of concern.  

“Do you mind?!” Blueblood fumed. “I’m in the middle of watching a play here! Ah well, may as well make yourself useful. My fair Sassy shall be joining us after sunset and I’ve a package for her. I may ask you to help present it to her at the right moment if you have clean hooves. Let’s take a look!” 

He stepped up to the sergeant, levitating the cloth wrapping Twilight has seen him leave Aggregate’s workshop with, startling her back as he leaned down to scrutinise her hooves and almost took her eye out with it. And giving the guards behind her a full view of himself. 

“Destroy,” the stallion directly behind the sergeant said, ramrod straight and oblivious to how she bumped into him. 

Pink eyes flickered on up and down the ranks as the room began to fill with the colours of sunset. “DESTORY!” “DESTROY!!” “DESTROY!!!”

“In a minute, in a minute…” Blueblood muttered, levitating the sergeant’s right forehoof so he didn’t have to touch it. 

The sergeant took one look at Luna’s expression and put the full force of her wings into a tackle that sent her and the yelping prince sprawling into the room. Blue telekinetic magic covered the doors and KRAKADOOM!ed them shut, the chandeliers swinging violently.

“Out through the gardens!” Luna commanded. 

Splinters were already racing across the ornate framework. The relentless pounding knocked one of the still glowing door handles loose. Johnny doubled over in Twilight’s grip as she tried to turn him around, letting out a moan that almost carried over sound of armour against oak. 

“What’s wrong with them?!” Force Majeure cried, wrapping her forelegs around the nearest guard and burying her head in his chest like a frightened child. 

“Easy, ma’am!” he tried to assure her as he groped for his lance. “We’ll...” 

He shook his head to clear the sudden pink glow and looked at Blueblood trying to cope with the fact he’d just been touched by a commoner. “DESTROY!” 

“DESTROY!” echoed his partner as Majeure scuttled backwards. 

Luna and Twilight’s telekinesis turned both their helmets around then slammed them together in a gong-burst of blue and purple sparks. Spike shoulder charged the writhing Johnny’s hindlegs to try and get him moving. A series of sword blows finally hacked a space wide enough for three pink eyed guards to shove their heads through for a hearty bellow of “DESTROY!”

“I SAY THEE NAY!” boomed a sudden voice as the Horseshoe Torch reared up, bursting into flame. Twilight almost crushed Fore Majeure flinging herself away from him, Spike tumbling forward into the floor as the Torch rose.

Johnny’s head was now encased in a covering of his own epidermis, two twisting horns where his ears should be and the flaming outline of a reptilian eye branding itself over his face. He sagged in mid-air then spun towards the door with marionette violence. 

“THE HOUSE OF BLUE SHALL PAY FOR IT’S CRIMES!” he roared, both forelegs whipping up with boneless speed. The air in front of the doors ignited, burying the closest guards in fragments and bowling the rest down the hall. “AND THIS DEVILISHLY HANDSOME VESSEL SHALL SERVE AS THE PERFECT INSTRUMENT OF VENGANCE FOR…THE DREAD DORMAMMU!”

“Wow, hate to be them,” Blueblood observed. The rose in his lapel disintegrated into ash as the Torch twisted towards him, blazing helm upside down and inches from his face. “Oh, house of Blue!”


35


Princess Celestia nodded in satisfaction at her pocket watch and returned it to her wing, gliding off the mountain outcrop she’d settled on. 

She’d have preferred to start lowering the sun from one of the balconies back home, but there’d been a cart accident on the road below her on the way back and she’d stayed to do what she could before the nearest E.U.P. squad noticed her horn flare. 

Not that she hadn’t left it a bit before, dig through the centuries and try finding an Avatar who hadn’t, but having the job for a thousand years and counting meant you liked to do it properly. Also, be within walking distance of your study.

The nearing roofs of the city drew her on, combining with the satisfaction of a good day’s work to push her forward. Most of the sites were suitable for the capital’s undercity needs, which would lead to development of overcity facilities. A couple of years and Canterlot may have a few more boroughs! 

She saluted the Pegasi on cloud duty as she swooped over the walls, glancing behind her once she was sure she was high enough not to smack into a tower. Night was slowly darkening the horizon behind her, but it was the glacial pace of light straining through the magic in the atmosphere. Luna had as much right to leave raising the moon a bit but she was usually so punctual. 

Unless she was distracted...

Celestia flapped lower to keep an eye on the streets as the shadows began to trickle across the city. The sky was that restless orange of the uncertain period where Day’s baton wasn’t being picked up by Night and turning it those soothing blues and purples. Ponies in the streets didn’t seem to notice, and other than rush hour stragglers and early night owls everything seemed peaceful enough. Still plenty of cart and carriage traffic, even around the royal hill road…and an orange streak weaving it’s way uphill. 

Celestia dived at the same instant she teleported, materialising enough yards ahead and feet above to confirm… “Applejack!” 

The farm pony glanced up in as much relief as shock and hit the brakes, throwing up a Rainbow Dash worthy amount of noise, dust and terrain. Celestia landed and gently held out a wing to bring her to a padded halt.

“P-puh-p’n’ss! Tha…thank gosh! Woooooh doggy…”

“Did you run all the way here?” Celestia asked. 

She looked about then wrapped a wing around the panting mare, leading her over to a stream and turning nearby stones into a cup and pitcher, filling them. Applejack answered the question by taking the entire pitcher in both hooves and half dunking her head in it. 

“Found…she…gal in charge’a…whoo…” 

“Take it easy!” Celestia patted her shoulders. “Is this about Blueblood?” 

“Y-yeah!” AJ wiped her mouth, flying too high to care about who she was doing it in front of. “Twi an‘ th’ others…with him! Hugh! Figured…it’s the tourist biz!”

“Oh, don’t tell me he’s weighing in on this strike, that’s the last thing we need! I’ll pay for the air-conditioning enchantments out of my own pocket if I have to!”

“I mean, he was a jerk about it, but--” Applejack shook her head. “We found the link! There was a protest, filly in charge turned a bunch of those Spring Heels bozos into a mob and sicced ‘em on your nephew! She’s a, gah, whaddaya call ‘em, they’ve got more chins than…than somethin’ with a lotta chins, I dunno, I’m stressed!” 

“…a Skrull?” Celestia said with the gradual urgency of a thundercloud. “Here?” 

“Yeah!” Applejack nodded so fast her hat almost flew off. “The Torch’s treatin’ it like another day at the office, but she’s got these freaky eyes, that’s what that glow is! Hay, she might’ve set all this wage trouble up just so she could have a posse watin’ for us on Mousehole Street!” 

“I should be so lucky,” Celestia muttered, crouching down. “Climb up, you can explain on the way. The Skrulls are using tourism to go after Blueblood?” 

“Sounds insane, don’t it?” Applejack replied, talking fast so her brain wouldn’t register the fact she was now riding on the back of the face of the nation. “But it just came to me when we were makin’ that diamond dog tea. If ya can look like anypony then it’s the best way to cover the capital! Let’s her stalk that gussied up—Blueblood and just put her spell on somepony close by! That’s why all those attacks were so random, they…y’know! Were just random folks!” 

“A Skrull with mesmerising powers,” Celestia almost snarled. “By the Great Pony, at least Chrysalis had the decency to always blow it by telling you how clever she’d been! Do you have any idea where they could be?” 

“I think I know who they’re tryin’ to be,” Applejack called as the landscape sliced by beneath them. “I checked out the Greymalkin tourist place, asked around. Mare in charge of the Mousehole strike is Honey Glaze, I found her tied up in the basement, the poor thing! Turns out she rooms with a couple other girls in the business. We found them tied up at their jobs too. Been all over the city findin’ tour ponies trust up like Hearth’s Warmin’ gifts! I think this Skrull soup sandwich is workin’ her way up the chain, an’ oh wow, this is fast!”

“I know, apologies,” Celestia called over the rising wind. “I think I know what you mean, and I’m assuming the others are up ahead?” 

“Yep!” Applejack wrapped one foreleg around the princess’ neck and hung onto her Stetson with the other. “Worse part? The Torch’s up there with ‘em and has some fancy schmancy secret plan he thinks we don’t know about. ‘Fraid ya might have a couple new ballrooms if he goes ahead with it.” 

“That sounds like Johnnycake.” Celestia managed to make a sigh carry through her raised voice. They swept past the lowest turrets of the drawbridge, her wings flaring as she pulled to a sudden mid-air stop. “What in the name of the stars is going on in there?!” 

Applejack peered around the Neapolitan cascade of the most iconic mane in the kingdom. The gala hall. It just had to be the gala hall. 


***


At least three different coloured lights were flashing all around the building, unconscious guards littering the gardens outside like bad conversation pieces. The most aggressive of the lights was the same gold as contrails of flame lancing in and out of the balconies, laced with pulsing brick red Kirby Krackle. Each burst was accompanied by a wailing just accented enough to let you know it went to a better school than you. 

It was giving AJ weird flashbacks to Fluttershy’s second birthday in Ponyville, when Rainbow and Rarity had both called dibs on planning the party and, well, the important thing to understand was the difference between regular party balloons and hydrogen…

“Blueblood!” Celestia cried, shooting towards one of the stained-glass windows. Applejack braced instinctively but a golden aura flung it open so hard it almost shattered. 

The wailing was whipping around a corner as Celestia landed. “Three stars, you hear me?! Three stars!” 

Both mares stared after it, then felt an approaching heat and ducked as a faceless Horseshoe Torch shot over them, narrowly missing Applejack’s hat, and took the corner so hard and fast he spun upside down. 

“Get back here you treacherous—!” demanded an approaching purple glow. Then Twilight Sparkle realised who was in front of her and skidded to a mid-air halt. “Majesty! Your majesty! Um.” 

“Hi, AJ…” Spike squeaked, holding onto Twilight’s neck for dear life. 

There was some sort of volcanic eruption around the corner and four slightly smoking guards pinwheeled into the walls. 

“I can explain…?” Twilight tried. 

She flinched as a golden field snapped on behind her, shattering two flung spears from two furious, pink eyed guards behind her. 

“Where’s Luna?” Celestia asked urgently as Applejack slid off her back, thrusting her field down the corridor to force the guards into a stairwell. 

“Fighting about half the guards!” Twilight shrugged, landing to telekinetically bounce a door into a charging set of pink eyes. She glared at a portrait of Discord eating some popcorn, certain there was less in the bag than when she’d last circled the area. “The Skrull got to them somehow! I’m sorry Princess, it’s bedlam!”

“What’s with the pretty boy?” Applejack asked as they retreated to the foyer. 

“DORMAMMU DEMANDS SATISFACTION! AND MAYBE SOME OF THAT NEIGHPONESE TEA!” 

“He, ah, might be possessed by the Dread Dormammu,” Twilight grinned queasily up at Celestia. “Or he’s just got a super bad headache and thinks he is? I don’t know. My horn is very hot right now.” 

“I DON’T LIKE THIS PLAY ANYMORE!” Blueblood howled, lunging out of the way of a flaming baseball bat and swinging from the chandelier. “IT IS ANTI-DISTINCTLY-MINTLY!”

“Dormamu? Here?” Celestia looked up and used her magic to make a tapestry wrap itself around an attacking guard, saving an unaffected one from a nasty mace to the head. “The shadows aren’t doing anything…”

“Does this mean I can hit him now?” Applejack asked as she pulled her lasso out of her hat. There was a blue flash lower down the stairs in front of them as Luna materialised. 

“I’ll do worse than that once I’m done with these thralls!” She looked up. “Oh. Hello, sister.” 

“Luna.”

“I’m handling it?” 

Blueblood, riding an out of control dessert trolley for dear life, shrieked out of a passageway to ricochet off a wall and out the hall doors, careening down the path. Luna despondently shut her eyes. 

“Pink is the bad ones, right?” Celestia sighed, trotting towards her. 

“Uh, yes. Yes!” Luna followed her towards the sounds of armour crashing against armour. Her wings flicked slightly, like she was trying to stop them fidgeting. “We could…sort them out. Together. If. You know. If you’d like.”

“I’d like that,” Celestia smiled. “Girls, I know you’ve done it all day, but could you look after Blueblood? Spike, you’re still a minor, so please find some cover.”

“Uh, yes, ma’am.” Spike saluted. “Maybe the royal gardens’re clear by now?” 

There was a I-Was-on-the-Rowing-Team-Doncher-Know kind of wail from the rear of the building. 


***


“YOUR LESUIRE SUIT LAPELS AND NOSE JOBS CAN’T SAVE YOU NOW, MORTAL!”

The Dormammu Torch was weaving through pink eyed guards, his thermals bowling them over as he tried to get at the zigzagging Blueblood. The prince hit the dirt, covering his head as his pursuer swooped over him, circling for another dive…and pausing as a purple flash enveloped their prey. Blueblood was now hanging from a sturdy branch while Applejack and Twilight Sparkle stood in his place. 

“Alright!” Twilight snarled, loosing bolt after magic bolt. “This is for making me do one of these stupid team up fights!”

“THOSE ARE AN INSTITUTION!” the cyclopean Torch roared back, effortlessly weaving between each shot…right into the path of the lasso now around his leg like they’d planned. 

“Works for me!” Applejack grunted, yanking down as hard as she could. 

The Torch crashed into the water of the nearest garden fountain hard enough to almost crack the marble. Angry fists of steam hurtled into the listless orange sky, clearing to reveal a dazed Johnnycake bobbing on the surface of the now slightly lower water. 

“Oh, I say, bravo!” Blueblood cheered, clapping his hooves. “Gonna have to ask Sassy who wrote this, this must be at least the sixth act and I’m more awake than a new bug who’s just found the slugs we put in his pillow! Why, I’m even rooting for Sparky now! Bit socialist there in the middle but it’s amazing how much special effects can buck you up.” 

Before either Element could start swearing at him, the windows behind him plunged into kaleidoscopic glory that left black spots burning in their closed eyelids. The one garden door that was half closed swung open to let Princess Celestia and Princess Luna trot down the stairs, followed by Spike and the haggard remains of the unaffected guards. 

“And I’ve got to say, Auntie, these surprise cameos of yours really are the cat’s finest Istallion nightwear!” Blueblood grinned, galumphing towards her like the oversized schoolboy he was. He hesitated. “Here…is that a black eye?” 

“Just…makeup, dear,” Celestia smiled. She gently pulled him closer and gave him a kiss on the forehead. “I’ve got a cloak here that I want you to wear while you follow the guards to a, uh, special box seat. Please? We’re nearing the final act and it might get a bit rough.”

“Well, alright, since it’s you,” Blueblood sighed, taking the black silk and looking at it like it was a bag of week-old takeout. “Just hope if Sassy recognises me in this she doesn’t natter about it to her columnist friends.” 

“Sassy Saddles?” Celestia blinked as the guards lead him towards the palace, specifically one of the secure wings. “Right. We’ll keep an eye out for her.”

“I’ll handle turning her back to safety,” Luna assured, raising her glowing horn to the sky which began to shift into soothing purple like an ice pack after a hot day. She looked proudly over her shoulder at the neat ball of formerly berserk guards. “Still got it, don’t we?”

“We can gloat when it’s over,” Celestia smiled tiredly, trotting over to the uncertain Twilight and Applejack. She levitated Johnny out of the fountain and placed him on her back. “There’s still a Skrull out there and we’re a pony down.”

“Gee,” Johnny said cheerfully, cracking one blue eye open as he sprawled limply over her wings, “if only somepony had the brilliant idea of piquing their interest, covertly taking out a bunch of their scrubs and making themselves an irresistible target at the same time.”

It took Applejack a moment to piece it together, and since Twilight and Luna were too stunned to say anything she decided it was up to her. “Oh, you low down, double dealin’, no good lil’…!!!”


26


“Which celebrity he’d marry!” Rarity insisted before telekinetically dabbing at her lips with a napkin.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Rainbow Dash retorted, “I didn’t realise this was an issue of Cosmo. Not! Grossest bug he’s ever eaten!” 

“Darling, really! I literally just ate!” 

“You left half. You even arranged it.” 

“That’s the fun!” Rarity leaned back in her seat and took a sip. Just water, those margaritas were still in her system somewhere and she’d have a party to help organise. “Which villainess he’d marry!” 

“Tempting,” Dash agreed, saluting with her soda. “But we already got a bunch of Black Sphinx stuff…”

“Mmm, yes, that’s a tricky one,” Rarity mused. 

“How about if he ever cried at a wedding?” Pinkie asked before slurping her 25th obligatorily long strand. 

“Also neat, but he so obviously has,” Dash countered. “Man, does it have to be marriage? I feel like we got really stuck on that. Somepony pass the salad.” 

“Because it’s such a rich area!” Rarity explained, obliging. 

“You mean as an insight into his romantic side?” Fluttershy gambled.

“No, blackmail,” Rarity said simply. She decided to be naughty and popped a smidge of left over peppers into her mouth. 

“Aww man, y’know what I forgot to ask?” Dash half moaned, pausing in the act of making a salad sandwich out of her piece of baguette. “That thing with the Befrienders!” 

“…which Befriender he’d marry?” Fluttershy asked, blinking. Rarity had a very un-lady like laughing fit. 

“No, why he turned ‘em down.” Dash pointed a pasta laden fork at Rarity. “Y’know there’s probably a cool story there!”

“Perhaps,” Rarity agreed. “Still hoping for a spot?”

“Aww, worried you’re gonna have to be the spunky one as well as the sassy one?” Dash smirked. 

“Well I think you’d be great at it,” Fluttershy said quickly.

“Thanks, ’Shy. Ooh, hey, ever think of getting some of your best animals together and making, like, some kinda rescue squad? Kids love that stuff! Leave Angel outta it and you could probably get a sweet book deal.” 

“Animals are actually pretty good at policing themselves,” Fluttershy beamed. “That alpha stuff, um, sporty ponies talk about isn’t really a thing, but pack communities are fascinating structures. They’re sort of like ball teams, and sometimes more sapient creatures have to intervene between different packs, like a referee!” 

“Awesome!” Dash grinned, unaware the comparison had only been to keep her attention from immediately wandering.

“Would you wear a costume or just, like, your Wonderbolt outfit?” Pinkie asked.

“For the Befrienders?” Dash chewed some more pasta as she thought it over. “Depends. I mean—” She spread her wings and tossed her hair. “—I’m pretty iconic already.” 

“Could always do you up a Rainbow Mare Do Well outfit,” Rarity offered. 

“I’ll admit, kinda jealous I never got to rock the hat,” Dash conceded. “Loved your Waxing Gibbous outfit by the way!” 

“Cheers, spunky,” Rarity toasted with her water. 

“Do we really have to ask Peter anymore questions?” Fluttershy tried. “I mean, it’s getting late and he’s been, um, blitzed all day. Probably a good idea to let him rest. You know. Like we said we would.” 

“We never said we wouldn’t take full advantage of something like this if it happened, darling,” Rarity smiled with narrowed head girl my-daddy’s-a-governor eyes. 

“Is there really anymore we need to know?” Pinkie asked, trying to keep the quaver out of her smile. 

“Let’s ask him and find out,” Dash leered. 

Fluttershy took a deep breath. “It’s just that maybe there’s some things a pony doesn’t want other ponies to know and we should respect his privacy and not have Twilight cry, or turn us into statues, then cry because she turned us into statues.” 

“Twilight doesn’t need to find out,” Dash countered. “And AJ definitely doesn’t need to find out, ‘cause the last thing me and Rarity need is her hunting us down to find out who’s idea it was to start this game without her.”

“I’d sell you out in a heartbeat for the few precious seconds it’d buy me,” Rarity agreed. 

“Could we at least ask him fun stuff then?” Pinkie wheedled as she began to pick up everypony’s plates. “Y’know, nothing embarrassing.”

“I thought you just said you wanted this to be fun!” Rarity chided sweetly. 

“Is it really so wrong to wanna know what his favourite dessert is?!” Pinkie pouted. 

“Bannana Cream Cake!” Peter Trotter exclaimed enthusiastically behind Rainbow Dash. The Elements yelped, Pinkie almost hurling the dishes all over one of Twilight’s bookcases. 

“Holy cow, you trying to gimme a heart attack?!” Dash squawked. “What’re you even doing down here?”

“I finished,” Peter grinned. An empty plate was indeed on his back. His oversized chunk of watermelon smile was rimmed with Bolognese, which he wiped away with windshield wiper motions from his tongue. 

“Did you…like…it?” Fluttershy asked, sharing Istanbull-is-Nice-This-Time-of-Year side glances with the rest of the table.

“Yep!” Peter swivelled like an out of control cart tipping round a corner on one wheel, headed for the kitchen. Pinkie Pie hugged the plates almost as much as the wall to stay out of his way. “Y’know, if I could think about it, food would probably be one of the few things I’ve ever been able to consistently enjoy. Should probably wonder what that says about me. Good thing I can’t think too good right now!” 

He bumped into the sideboard hard enough to knock both the dishwasher and oven doors open. 

“Maybe we should give him a short, sharp shock or something,” Rarity winced.

“Couldn’t make things worse,” Dash muttered. Peter had put his plate away in the oven and was currently trying to stick his head in the dishwasher.  

“Hey old buddy, old pal,” Pinkie breezed over, pulling him out and leaning him against the kitchen wall like a standee from a normcore ad campaign, “who wants to play a fun game of staying in the corner and not examining the implications of that decision?” 

“Your mane smells like if one of those warehouses they keep parade floats in was a dessert topping,” Peter sighed happily.

“…huh.” Pinkie looked contemplatively into space, plate halfway to the dishwasher. “Parade float pie!”

“Or cake!” Dash said hurriedly. “That way everypony could have their own float.” 

“Ooh, quick thinking Dashie!” Pinkie held the last plate out towards Rarity expectantly.

“What?”

“Uh, you left half your dinner still on it?”

“And made it look good! Don’t get me wrong darling, it was scrum, dare I say diddily, umptious but you don’t think this figure happens with pasta, do you?”

“No, I think you’re gonna scrape it into the trash ‘cause it’s your plate.”

“I’ll have it,” Dash said through the remains of the breadbasket she was carrying.

“Scraping?” Rarity blanched then realised that wasn’t really noticeable in her case. “Hmph, very well! Just give me a minute to skip across town and fetch my disposal ensemble from the boutique.” 

“Your tweezers and waldos?” Fluttershy put her head on one side. “But I’ve seen you put week old stuff in your own bin without them.”

“Yes, darling, my own bin in my own home. Who knows what Twilight and Spike get up to here! There’re hazardous chemicals down in the basement, you know. I can’t risk marring these hooves, they could be called upon to save Equestria at any moment!” 

“And you’re telekinetic…”

“I was telekinetic once,” Peter mumbled, swaying slightly. “I didn’t think much of it!” 

“Seriously, I’ll just eat it.” Dash patted her belly. “It’ll be good carbs! Then we slip something cool into Twilight’s new player, kick back with some ice cream and find out which of his old boss’ headlines made lover boy here cry the hardest.” 

“Rarity, c’mon,” Pinkie insisted. 

“Fine, fine!” Rarity telekinetically pulled the backdoor open. The sky outside was slowly blooming into that stagnant orange of sunset trying to pass through a magic rich atmosphere.

Pinkie squinted. “You can use your mind to open a door but ya can’t open a draw and just use a knife and fork?”

“Do you want this washing up done properly or not?” Rarity huffed.  

“I’ll get the tablet thingies,” Fluttershy tried to swing open the cupboards without hitting anyone. “Oh dear, where do they keep them again?”

“Just give it to me!” Dash insisted, trying to put herself between Pinkie and Rarity. “I’ll even lick the thing clean if ya want!”

“Oh really!” Rarity reared up in revulsion. 

“Got it!” Fluttershy hefted out a cardboard box. “Wait, no, this is detergent. You’d think Spike would lay these things out better considering how high he has to rea--” 

Rarity’s shoulder hit hers, pitching her and her cargo into Dash, who’s startled wing flap jostled a cloud of floral smelling whiteness into the air, the breeze from the door sweeping it over all of them. 

“Oh, well done that mare,” Rarity coughed as vision began to dissolve back to normal.

“You’re the one who couldn’t clean up after herself,” Dash snapped, rubbing her hooves through her hair. “Man, hope this stuff doesn’t eat our skin or something…”

“Wow, it must be good,” Pinkie cooed. “It dissolved Peter!” 

Dash and Rarity’s eyes snapped to the appalling empty trunk wall, each other, then to the wide open backdoor. They almost dislocated each other’s shoulders squeezing into the space. Pinkie hopped onto their shoulders and Fluttershy fluttered into the air to try and peer into the space between the door frame and her head. 

The relief they felt on spotting Peter a little up the street was tempered by the fact he was talking to somepony, and sprinkled with caution when they realised it was Derpy Hooves. In her defence, the mail mare was the one doing the placatory smiling and nodding. 

Peter finished whatever he was saying and half danced into an alley between two houses before they managed to extricate themselves. Rainbow shot a couple of feet above the thatch roofs, trying to pick out that plain grey and brown combo but none of the ponies closing up storefronts or heading for the coffee shops and jazz joints could’ve provided enough cover. 

“Yo Derpy, wait up!” 

“You got your package?” she chuckled nervously. 

“Yeah!” Dash grinned. “It’s a lil’ Wind Rider Funko! Gonna put it on my mantle with my Spitfires! Bwugh! I mean, ah, did Peter say anything to ya?”

“The microscope guy?” Derpy’s brow furrowed as the others looked up at them nervously. “Oh, just stuff! I was trying to remember the difference between north and south and he just came over and said I had the way better shade of grey, which was nice of him! Kinda down on himself. Talked about walls a lot. Then he somehow got onto how it’s all Norman Osthorn’s fault he can’t enjoy pumpkin pie anymore, which is kinda sad I guess.”

“Well y’know those Manehattanites and their kooky sense of humour,” Dash said quickly as they hovered low enough for the others to hear. “Good luck with the compass stuff!” 

“Good luck with your friend’s…whatever he’s got!” Derpy waved as she wobbled back on her flight path. It took her through the Golden Oak’s backdoor and out through Twilight’s bedroom window. 

“Okay, so we don’t know where Pete is,” Dash grinned like someone terrified they’re about to make a tasteless joke to an accident victim, “but we know what he’s doin’.”

“Or to put it another way,” Rarity said distantly, “Spider-Pony is currently wandering around telling everypony his secrets.” 

“Sooooo,” Pinkie concluded nervously, “there’s a teeny weeny, ittby bitty, polka dot linguini chance we’re terrible friends who drugged him outta his gourd, and the Great Pony’s gonna punish us by making us responsible for revealing his secret, ruining not just his life but also probably Twilight’s.” 

“Hey girls?” Fluttershy asked calmly, two feathers on her wrist. “How do you know if you’re having a heart attack?”


To be Continued