Hey, you there—yeah, you. I know what you’re lookin’ for. And what you’re lookin’ for is a story. So siddown, cause I got one for ya. A good one. One that you ain’t never heard before, trust me.
A’fore I start, though, let me lay some straight shootin’ on you: this farm? The very one you’re standin’ in right this minute? This is the Princesses’ favorite vacation spot in all of Equestria.
Harmony’s own truth! Cross my heart and hope to fly, however all that goes.
Y’see, it all started a couple years back. Big Mac had hurt himself real bad right before harvest time. I could’a brought in the harvest all by myself, but I decided to let my friends come in and help, ‘cause I’m just that nice. But Twilight, see, she told Princess Celestia about it, and she came on down herself to help out. What a sight that was—the Princess of the Sun herself, buckin’ apples in my orchard!
And then, a few months later, Princess Luna got kicked out of the Palace, and decided to live here in little ol’ Ponyville... musta been because she’d heard what a good diet of apples will do for your coat an’ complexion. Anyhow, Princess Luna wanted to meet all the most important ponies in Ponyville, so she and Twilight came here straightaway, as soon as they got off the train. We all got together and gave the Princess a right proper Apple Family Welcome, and made sure she got somethin’ to eat, and introduced her to all the cousins, all that. She liked it so much that she just wanted to stay with us, right in our hayloft—but Twilight made her sleep in the library with her, because everypony woulda got jealous of the Apples if she hadn’t.
An’ ever since, then, we see the two Princesses ‘round these parts once or twice a month. Granny and Princess Luna are best friends now, if you believe it--realized they had a lot in common when she was stayin’ with Twilight--so we see Her Highness a lot. She don’t never do much whenever she’s here, though. She always comes in a big froo-froo dress, and she and Granny just sit on the porch and talk about things. And sometimes, when Celestia’s in town, she comes down and sees if she can help buck apples or prune branches or something. She says she likes the work, but I think she’s really here for the company. See, us Apples don’t have the patience for high-society nonsense. So, when the Princess needs to get away from it all, she likes to come down here, where things aren’t so noisy, and where you can really feel the earth beneath your hooves. Then, while she’s workin’, she asks me, Applejack, her closest friend and best advisor, what she should do at that big ol’ Palace a’ hers, and I tell her what she needs to know. You ask me, that’s why Equestria’s been running so great lately: because someone up there is finally running off good old fashioned horse sense. Can’t trust unicorns to run the place by themselves, after all—they don’t have enough oxygen to keep their brains workin’ right all the time, living high up in the mountains like that...
‘Course, the other reason Celestia likes to come down here is a little more personal. Y’see, she’s secretly in love with Big Macintosh! She told me herself that she can’t wait to marry him... but she’s decided to let him make his own decisions by her. Because, if you really love somepony, you let them come along at their own pace…
Keep your horseshoes on. I know what you’re here for—and I’m gettin’ to it. What I’m tryin’ to say—what you gotta understand, here—is that we’re mighty protective of our Princesses ‘round these parts. More than most, I reckon.
Now, before I can tell you the story you’re here for, you need to hear another story. Why? ‘Cause if I just tell you outright, you won’t understand. So just sit down, be quiet, and listen good. I don’t like repeatin’ myself, if I can help it.
It happened, oh, about six-eight months ago, on the opening day of cider season. The Princesses must’a heard how fun it was to be here with all the craziness, so they arranged a trip for the occasion, all special-like. Ain’t nothin’ in that big ol’ Palace like a mug of genuine Apple family cider, after all. And they had a grand ol’ time of it, too, so I hear—talkin’ and laughin’ with all their friends, finally gettin’ a taste a’ that cider, all that.
But then, those Flimflam brothers showed up with their newfangled machine—-and boy, was that a mess! Granny bet them the whole farm that the Apple Family cider was better than anything they could make—which, to be fair, wasn’t much of a bet, because Apple family cider is the best cider in Equestria. But, because they had that big ol’ machine, we needed all the help we could get to keep up with ‘em. I think we all just kinda expected the Princesses to sit on their backsides, watching us do our thing—and Princess Luna did, to be sure. But she’s an old mare, she had an excuse.
Celestia, on the other hoof… never seen a pony work that hard in my life. Honest! Twilight was runnin’ things, of course, and she started Cece off sortin’ the good apples from the bad with Granny, on account of her refined, Princessly tastes. But by the end, that weren’t all she were doin’. She was runnin’ all over, helpin’ with whatever needed to get done. She was dumpin’ apples in the grinder, tossin’ out the bad apples before Granny could get to ‘em, workin’ the treadmill when Big Mac or Rainbow needed a break, and even usin’ her magic to stack the barrels up as high as they could go!
(We don’t ordinarily put much stock in unicorn magic in these parts—some things are too delicate to have everything just floatin’ around willy-nilly—but we didn’t really have time to be picky.)
Anyhoo. We ended up losing—but only because Flim and Flam cheated! But a bet was a bet, so we were gonna do the honorable thing and skedaddle. But Princess Luna stepped up, see. We thought she’d just been sittin’ around watchin’—but she was actually writing letters to the recordkeepers at Canterlot. And it turned out the terms of the Apple family’s Royal land grant, on which we’d planted the orchard all those years ago, said that it couldn’t be transferred to nopony else unless there weren’t no more Apples to take it. So, those Flimflams had to turn tail and leave us alone, forever.
(I guess you nobles aren’t completely worthless, after all, with all your titles and records and stuff… But I’ll be darned if they ever come in useful again...)
So then, the Royal Guard showed up and arrested the Flimflams for high treason, and the Guard dumped all their cider in the river because it was a health hazard and an offense against good apples, and…
Now, what’d I tell you? I told you to sit and listen. Ain’t you got the patience to be still for five minutes?
‘A course I know you know the story. It was all over the papers. But I also know that you don’t know it all. Why? Because, Prince Blueblood, you weren’t there to see it.
Aw, quit interruptin’, Blue. You weren’t there, and we both know it, you old tomcat. Oh, sure, you were supposed to be. You came down for the cider an’ all. I sold you three mugs myself. But when we needed you to help out? You didn’t lift a hoof. And don’t try to tell me different, I was watchin’.
Y’see, us Apples knew you treated Rares and Cece bad, back in the day. Rarity’s a special friend of ours, and Celestia’s always done good by us, so we weren’t ready to give you another chance just yet. But Cece told me you’d got better, that you weren’t so much of a playboy anymore. Rarity said it, too. So I said to Big Mac, I said—let's have you and him run the apple grinder together. Then Rainbow can go and get more apples from the trees quicker, speed the whole process up. And y’all said that was a good idea, both a’ you. But when it was time to actually work? You weren’t nowhere to be seen.
Don’t try and lie to me. I know exactly where you were. You said you were gonna help out and everything, but when we needed you? You up and left. You and Rarity, both. After all the excitement died down, I went lookin’ for you—and I found you out behind the woodshed makin’ out. And probably doin’ things that Granny wouldn’t approve of, not to mention that Applebloom was too young to see.
Aw, quit your whinin’. Save it for someone who cares.
See, there’s somethin’ I betcha don’t know about apples, Blueblood. Most of the apple is sweet, but the seeds? The seeds are poisonous. Eat too many, and they’ll kill ya from the inside.
Well, I’m gettin’ awful tired of bein’ sweet.
So, no, I’m not gonna help you find Rarity, Blueblood. ‘Cause we were willin’ to give you an extra chance, but when we needed you, you ran off. You insulted our hospitality—ours, and the Princesses’. Downright rude makin’ ‘em do all the work like that. And don’t give me no excuses, neither—I don’t want to hear ‘em. I ain’t gonna change my mind: for all the good you did for us, you can go help your own damn self.
Y’wanna know somethin’ else, Blueblood? Winona ain’t been fed yet this morning. Oh, yeah, she looks adorable, but you wouldn’t be the first trespasser she’s sent to the hospital. It usually takes her a minute to pick up the scent, though… which is why it’s been awful polite a’ ya to sit there and listen to me spin a yarn for so long.
So, let me make this real simple: if you don’t get off my property right this instant, I might not have to feed Winona for a while yet. I don’t care if you are Rarity’s husband and Prince of the realm. No one crosses the Apples and gets away with it.
Not anymore.
Now, git. I think I hear barkin’ on the wind.