Spawn of Secundus

by TheOnlySaneDraconequus

Chapter Eight

Despite all of Secundus’s evidence to the contrary, Thorax actually was a morning pony. Once he was awake, that is. He woke up, and actually managed it on the first try. He tried to snuggle into his husband, but was met with empty air instead. Thorax sighed, feeling pouty. Secundus didn’t sleep, and sometimes he was called away for work in the middle of the night. Some nights, he just went for a “walk” and wound up on a moon in another universe, just staring at the stars. He almost always left a note and a cold breakfast though or some love he’d stored away. This time, there was neither. Thorax grumbled in his head and got up, trying to think of what the day’s calendar held. Unlike Celestia, he didn’t have a henchpony to help keep him organized.

Thorax wound up in the twisty, slightly impossible main hall of the Hive. On the “floor” that gravity agreed with was something he hadn’t seen before. It was a rare sight in the Hive. A large, slate grey Pegasus stallion with a spiky black mane was trying unsuccessfully to preen his wings. He spat out a feather. “Ppbbfft. Bah! How do ponies do this?!” he shouted at no one in particular.

Thorax trotted over, wondering how an intruder slipped by the guards. “Did Celestia send you?” he asked in dangerous tones. “We don’t take kindly to ponies breaking in here without permission.”

Not meeting Thorax’s eyes, the stallion huffed, “Oh, please. I’m not an intruder Moosey.”

Thorax glanced down and his eyes went wide. The stallion wasn’t casting a pony’s shadow. His shadow was long, serpentine, and furry and had six limbs: two arms, two legs, and two tails. Despite not matching the stallion’s shape the shadow was firmly attached to him and was copying his actions perfectly. “Secundus?” Thorax asked uncertainly.

The stallion looked up at Thorax with gold eyes, a slightly insane smile on his face. “Surprise! It’s me!”

“Oh. You’re … I don’t … you aren’t Sec?”

“Nope. I’m part of him, but not the whole picture. You remember me, we met a few days ago. I’m Mal. We had a nice time dancing.”

“How did you get out of his head?” Thorax asked, feeling a headache coming on.

Mal frowned. “We had one of our flaming rows, and to cut a long story short, he wound up screaming, and I quote, ‘If you’re so sure you’d have done better as a ‘corpse’ try being one!!’ Next thing I know, I’m looking up at an enraged noodle. Your husband’s scary when he gets mad. Not that I didn’t know that from personal experience,” Mal huffed. “Anyway, he stormed off. I have no idea where. Don’t worry, he’ll be back, sooner rather than later. He hates being away from you for too long.” Mal peered at himself. “I don’t know what I look like, or the first thing about being a human, let alone a pony!”

“So … you’re an actual flesh and blood pony?”

“Yep! Cut me and I’ll bleed,” Mal said morosely.

“What do you think of it?” Thorax asked with interest.

Mal shuddered. “I hate it. I don’t know how you do it. I can feel my kidneys working.” He shuddered again.

Thorax sighed. This … person … had scared him half to death a few times. Secundus had made him sound like the ultimate evil sometimes. But, he was a part of Secundus, and Thorax loved Secundus, eldritchness and all. He noted with interest that he could actually read Mal’s emotions this time, although they were a bit strange tasting. He didn’t seem evil, he seemed … lost. And scared, and, judging by the way he was shivering, cold. Thorax sighed again. “Wait here,” he commanded.

Thorax returned a few minutes later, dragging something along with him in his mouth. He unceremoniously threw it over Mal. “You’re lucky my son’s exothermic and my husband likes to knit.”

Mal took the afghan gratefully, wrapping it around him, and tracing part of the pattern with a hoof. He chuckled. “Yeah, he loved this one. He nearly had a stroke when he made a knot … here,” he said, tracing part of the blanket with his hoof, “but he enjoyed making this. Thanks Moosey.”

“You’re welcome. How … how do you know how he felt making that? I didn’t even know he’d made a mistake there.”

Mal shrugged. “He wove it in. To answer your first question, I share his head. I know everything Secundus knows. Plus a few things he doesn’t,” Mal said with a grin. “I have … had access to all of his memories, and got to experience his whole day with him, every single day. I … don’t like being separate,” Mal said, slumping down. “My mind’s too quiet without him. He probably feels the same way. We did have a love/hate relationship, but we worked well together. I’ve been there through thick and thin with him. I’ve even saved his life a few times.”

“How?”

“By talking him out of it,” Mal said absent-mindedly. “It’s not really important. I – I don’t know what to do on my own. He can manage just fine,” Mal spat. “Well, probably. I don’t know. He might be doing worse. I-” Mal’s stomach let out a growl that would have put a bugbear to shame.

“Have you eaten at all today?” Thorax asked.

“I forget you’re supposed to do that,” Mal mumbled. “I’ve never needed to. I did usually remind him to eat, the scatterbrain. Now that he doesn’t need to eat, I don’t even have to do that.”

Thorax rolled his eyes. “Stay here.” Thorax trotted out of the room. Every once in a while, Sec actually had a really good idea that could be used, and Thorax was about to use one of them. He grabbed a bag of bits on his way to a chamber that usually stayed around the center of the Hive. He stood in front of an upright stone circle that three ponies could have trotted through at once.

The Hive was a day away from the nearest village, as the Changeling flies. Sec had been happy to send Changelings and ponies to and from the Hive, for errands, or just for visits, but he wasn’t always there to serve as a “train conductor.” He’d been worried he’d accidentally leave someling in Appleoosa by mistake, and they’d have to hoof it back to the Hive on their own fare. One day, he’d finally snapped when he’d been juggling transporting almost thirty Changelings across Equestria while trying to fulfil some of his duties. He’d written to the leading councils of several major cities of Equestria with a crazy proposal, but he made a good case for it. To his surprise, most of them agreed, since there wouldn’t be a bill, he just needed a location in each city.

Secundus had set up a portal system to and from the Hive in cities with strategic locations, or accommodations that the Changelings wanted. There was one portal out in the Hive, and a way back in in each of the cities. It had actually done a lot to help the Hive economy, although Sec and some of the Changelings were still slightly uncomfortable letting outsiders in. To make sure a pony didn’t accidentally wind up hundreds of miles from home in a strange environment, the portals had “access codes.” For example, the portal in Canterlot asked a different riddle twice daily, which Celestia and Luna found amusing, and Blueblood found irritating, even though he enjoyed riddles. To go from the Hive to a specific city, you simply set a large dial to the side to a specific city, an idea Secundus absolutely did not steal from one of his favorite anime movies.

Thorax sighed and set the dial to “Ponyville.” He returned about ten minutes later holding a steaming cardboard box, to find Mal laying right next to the portal, looking like a dog waiting for its owner to come home. Mal sat up expectantly. He really did seem like a dog at times.

“I got your favorite pizza,” Thorax said, transferring the box to levitation.

“Oh, yeah? How exactly do you know my favorite pizza?” Mal asked scornfully.

“Jalapeño, pineapple, and tomato, right?” Mal nodded wordlessly. “Do you have to be so cutting all the time?” Thorax snapped.

“Sorry. I only ever interacted with someone with … impaired social skills is a nice way to put it. I was usually yelling at him for a stupid decision. Thanks for the pizza,” Mal said somewhat warmly.

They both trotted to the kitchen. As Thorax put the pizza on two plates, he noticed Mal mumbling something. “What are you doing?”

“Praying.”

“You don’t strike me as the religious type.”

“Well, I’ve met a god, so it’s hard not to be. Anyway, it’s an old habit.”

Thorax chuckled. “What are gods like? I only met the gods of an alternate universe. Do you think I’ll meet a god someday? Like, from our universe?”

A corner of Mal’s mouth curled up and he snickered. He then burst out laughing.

“What’s funny?” asked Thorax.

“Sorry, I was just premembering something.”

“Don’t you mean ‘remembering’?”

“‘It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backwards,’” Mal quoted with a grin.

“‘Off with his head! Off with his head!’”

Mal snickered and they dug in. “WOW!!” Mal shouted. “This is amazing! I’ve never had anything this good! Literally, actually, this is my first meal ever. It’s a pretty good meal too.”

Thorax chuckled and his horn lit up, mugs and tea supplies arranging themselves on the counter, and a teapot setting itself to boil. “OK, spill!” Thorax said.

“Spill what?”

“What’s Secundus actually like?”

Mal laughed. “That I can’t talk about very much. Now that I have skin, I’d prefer to keep it. Let’s see … well, most of him you know by now. And he’s told you the important bits of what he didn’t tell you at first. He’s even more insane inside his head than he is outside. Actually, it’s my job to keep him semi-distracted at all times, otherwise he might conquer Equus, turn Canterlot into a hot fudge sundae, plunge Equestria into eternal winter, or get rid of all the coffee on the planet or something. He’d think that last one was a favor, actually.” Thorax shuddered. “He’s really nice, which you know. Just sort of … I don’t know, Secundus-y. That’s really all I can say. I’m the only one who understands him of course, since ‘we are one’ and all that. We could talk about me, if you want…” Mal finished with a grin. Thorax noticed he had fangs. What kind of Pegasus had fangs?!

“Oh, really? Is that your favorite subject or something?” Thorax asked slyly.

“One of them, yes.” Thorax made a motion to continue. “Basically, I’m just part of Secundus that’s allowed to roam free and cause mayhem. Well, roam free in his head anyway. Sometimes I’m his Id, and sometimes I’m his conscience. Usually the latter.” Mal looked uncomfortable. “Sec was … left alone a lot. As a kid, I mean. His parents weren’t really available. He wasn’t abused or anything,” Mal added quickly, “He just didn’t get as much love as he should have. He didn’t have a lot of friends, and his extended family hated him, and he was alone most of the time, so he didn’t have anyone to talk to. So, he started talking to himself. As a way to stay sane. After a while, he started talking back,” Mal said with a smirk. “Years later, here we are. I’m what started talking back. He feed me a bit of himself, slowly, and I … grew up into what I am. I’m technically a part of Secundus, and we both now we’re the same person, we just consider ourselves separate versions of the same personality. It would help if I had a flowchart,” Mal muttered, “one of those things they explain the Trinity with. Never understood that one.”

Mal continued. “Anyway, basically, I’m Secundus’s opposite. I like him. He doesn’t. I’m … selfish, petty, I can be arrogant … things like that. I probably qualify as some sort of sociopath,” he muttered.

“Oh, come on!” Thorax shouted.

Mal gave him a pointed look. “If I thought I could get away with it, I’d take you apart to see how you worked, and then put you back together wrong because I’d find it funny. Is that the act of someone nice?” he said, putting a Scottish twist on the word “nice.”

Before Thorax could answer, the kettle boiled. He wordlessly got up and made the tea, mulling over what he’d just heard. When he passed Mal his mug and sat back down, he slowly asked, “So … you’re evil?”

Mal chuckled. “No. I’m Secundus. That kid doesn’t have an evil bone in his body. I’m supposed to be his dark side, and I’m not that dark. He doesn’t have enough evil in him to have an evil side. The only reason I’ve been acting all … demonic lately is-” Mal blew some air out of his nostrils and sighed, stirring his untouched tea. “I’m an imaginary friend. One of my great fears is that one day, Secundus will wake up, he won’t need me anymore, and I won’t exist. Can you try and imagine what that’s like?!” Mal said with a pleading look. “I don’t even look like anything unless he’s picturing it! When he sleeps, I … switch off. One minute I’m saying ‘goodnight,’ and then there’s … darkness. Nothing. Void. I’m not aware that I’m not aware. I only snap out of it when he wakes up. I’ve only been aware of myself when he’s asleep once and that was because he was having a horrible nightmare and was somewhat awake. The reason I’ve been so horrible lately is because I am terrified … that … that you’ve replaced me.” Mal said in a small voice. “And that I’ll go back into the dark. Forever. So, I was trying to get him to notice me, I just went about it entirely wrong, because I was so angry at him! It was stupid, and wrong.”

Mal sighed again. “Look. I’m not evil, I’m good. I’m not remotely nice, but I’m good. I try to be. I’m actually one of the things holding Sec back sometimes. You know that voice that talked him out of vaporizing Sombra when he foalnapped you?”

“I think it was a bit beyond vaporizing at that point,” Thorax said with a grin.

Mal chuckled. “Yeah, complete erasure from time might be overdoing it. Anyway, that was me. Look, I care about Sec, almost as much as you do. It’s one of the reasons I’m glad he found you. One of the reasons he made me was so that he could have a cool, protective older brother. I just wound up with some of the negative aspects of his personality. In a way, that’s actually a good thing.”

“How so?”

“Fluttershy told you that if Discord stops being chaotic for too long, he vanishes, right?” Thorax nodded. “Well, he wouldn’t have died, but it would have taken him about a hundred years to pull himself together, so to Fluttershy, he would have died. Discord’s the Spirit of Chaos, therefore he needs to be chaotic. Secundus is the Spirit of Duality. Having a part of your personality that is the opposite of you in a lot of ways, and contradicts you most of the time, is a really good way to have a personal dichotomy. Although, he has gotten a little more … polarized since he got the job. At least he’s used to it.

“So. That about covers my tragic backstory. Lord that was a lot of exposition, why did I have to do that?” Mal’s ear flicked at something Thorax couldn’t hear and he shook his head. He then said, “Well, yes, you could drop an anvil on me, but you won’t. You know better than to play God here. Anyway, since when were you the one in control?”

“Uh, who are you talking to?”

Mal shrugged. “Just a human I know pretty well who has a keyboard, a twisted sense of humor, and far too much time on his hands. It’s nothing to worry about, just a part of Sec’s insanity I got. So. Not too scary, am I?” He took a sip of his tea. “Wow. This really is amazing! I usually taste things second-hand. Er, hoof.”

Thorax laughed. “Yeah, you’re not too bad. Um. Not to be rude or anything, but how long are you here for?”

Mal shrugged. “Probably until this evening. I think Sec wants you to keep an eye on me so that I don’t get into trouble. I wouldn’t mind spending the day with my host’s husband.”

“‘Host’?”

“Oh, I call Sec my host. You know, like ‘host organism’? It’s because I get to ride around in his head.”

“That makes you sound like a parasite or something.”

“It’s actually pretty symbiotic.”

“Why do you call ponies ‘corpses’?”

Mal chuckled. “Oh. It’s … well … it’s …” he cleared his throat. “Present moment notwithstanding, I don’t have a body. I’m made of imagination and thought. So, from my perspective, lifeforms with a body are basically minds and souls walking around in corpses that are slowly decaying, until they finally stop working altogether, at which point they really decay. Which, while being a perfectly charming viewpoint, is somewhat accurate. It’s also short for ‘corporeal lifeform.’ I actually mean it affectionately, although as Sec puts it, ‘because he doesn’t have a body, he thinks he gets to be smug about it.’ I find beings with bodies … weird. I didn’t even like sharing, so having my own is …” Mal suddenly jumped up, swatting at himself with his hooves. “Auugh! Itches, itches, itches! Oozing! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!” He jumped onto a counter and curled into a ball, shuddering constantly.

Once Thorax could tell he’d calmed down slightly, he said, “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Find a way to stop me feeling my arteries working?” Mal asked, looking a bit green. “Sec could do that when we were human, and he’d freak out like that too. Now I see why. Hhggghh.” Mal chuckled and gracefully fell back onto the floor. “I could maybe get used to it, given a couple of years, but I hate being a monoform.”

“You’re a shapeshifter?” Thorax asked eagerly.

Mal puffed his chest out, looking like a grey male Rainbow Dash in terms of smugness. “Of course! I don’t have a body, so why should I be stuck in one shape? I loved shifting! Sec used to make fun of me because I wouldn’t stay in one shape for more than a few weeks, but if he could, he wouldn’t have either. I did have a couple of favorites I’d always cycle back to. I make a great wolf or otter!”

“Or dog?” Thorax said with an evil grin. “I seem to recall what you looked like when I first met you.”

“For your information, that was a dire wolf,” Mal said with an offended sniff. “You’re pony shaped, does that make you a pony?” Thorax shook his head. “I thought not,” said Mal. He then laughed. “Actually, I can tell you something about Sec, but you already know it. What did you think of the world in his head?”

“It was … eerie. Creepy. But … kind of cool. Interesting, at least.”

“What did you notice about the sky?”

“There were lots of stars,” Thorax said with a smile.

“And the sun?” Mal prompted.

“It was setting, why?”

Mal smiled. “There’s always a sunset, but never a sun to go with it. It’s always nighttime there. Although, before you psychoanalyze that, that’s just one viewpoint of his mind, there are others as well. Some of the worlds in his head are pretty bright and cheerful. Not as cheerful as a stupid world of singing pastel ponies,” Mal muttered with an eye roll, “but still a bit more upbeat than something out of a horror movie.”

“What was Sec’s family like?”

Mal looked uncomfortable. “They … got used to him. It just took them twenty years. Before then, they … I’d rather not talk about it, I’ll get in trouble,” he finished. “Anyway, he’s told you about his dad, so you sort of get the picture.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” Mal cleared his throat uncomfortably. He then brightened up. “So! What do want to do all day?! I’ve got independence, so I’d like to use it to the fullest!”

“I don’t exactly trust you,” Thorax said with a grin.

“Ah, wise man. Er, stallion.” Mal took a sip of his tea. “Ge’ta! This is amazing!” he said, eyes almost bugging out of his skull.

Thorax laughed. “You speak Changeish?”

“A bit. Mind you, I don’t have the right wings…” Mal gave his wings a few experimental flaps.

“How do you speak Changeish?”

“I listen,” Mal said with a shrug. “‘Every word you say, every single day, every game you play,’ as the song goes.”

“That’s not totally creepy,” Thorax muttered softly.

“I heard that! I know it is, all right? I don’t exactly have a lot of choice. What he sees and hears, I see, it’s as simple as that. He’s picking up some Changeish, so I am as well.” He took another sip of his tea. “Want to hear something he’d never tell you? I don’t think he’d actually hurt me, and you should probably know this.”

Thorax nodded and Mal continued. “Does he ever talk about his work?”

“No,” Thorax said uncertainly.

“It’s his job to balance extremes in the multiverse. Which means that half the time he gets to distribute rainbows and puppies. The other half of the time, he … makes volcanoes explode, crashes stock markets, that kind of thing. It’s not an everyday thing!” Mal said quickly, catching Thorax’s expression. “The multiverse’s definition of an ‘extreme’ that needs balancing is much more extreme than most people’s. It’s in the case of about a thousand years of outrageous amounts of peace and plenty type thing, and even then, he doesn’t go overboard, he just … throws a slight spanner in the works. That’s all. He hasn’t killed anyone, but … he knows what he has to do has consequences for others, and he hates it. That’s not the worst part,” Mal muttered.

“What’s the worst part?” Thorax asked, worry gnawing at his stomach.

Mal sighed. “‘A thousand years of peace and prosperity?’ Try and think of a planet that’s had that in its very recent history. I’ll give you a hint: it’s a musical.”

Thorax’s eyes went wide, and he started to shake. “Please tell me that’s some sort of sick joke. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t.”

Mal shrugged. “He’ll have to, like it or not. Thankfully, you’ve had all Tartarus break loose quite a few times the past few years, but … let’s face it, Equus is usually a bit of a utopia in recent history. Too much good vibes, and … well, let’s just say even he doesn’t want to know what he’ll have to do. He’s praying he can get another thousand year minimum, and he won’t have to do anything too drastic, but one of these centuries, it’ll be Sec’s turn to turn Equestria inside out. He’s worried he’ll enjoy it.”

Thorax swallowed. “I think my tea’s gone off.”

“Heh. You’re terrified at what might happen. That’s … cute,” Mal said with a malicious smirk. “Don’t be. It’ll be fine. It’s not like he’s going to destroy where he lives and loves. But …” he rubbed the back of his head. “That’s one of the reasons he won’t meet his reflection’s eyes.”

“What are the others?”

“Well, for one, looking even himself in the eye hurts, there’s the whole shame thing I just mentioned, and then there’s the creeping, fluttering things that live behind reflections and camera screens. They’re hungry. They only eat you a tiny bit at a time, and it’s throughout your whole life, so it’s not like you’d ever even notice it,” Mal grinned, “but they’re still creepy to see.”

“Tell me that was a lie,” Thorax groaned.

“OK, yes that was a lie,” Mal said, grin somehow getting wider. “If it’ll help you sleep better at night, then it was a lie.” Thorax rolled his eyes.

“Why do you have a desperate need to be creepy?” Thorax groaned.

“Because it’s fun…” Mal said, momentarily looking nothing at all like a pony without even having to shapeshift. Thorax pressed further back into his seat, heart racing. Mal switched back to normal, if he’d ever even actually changed, and asked, “Are you going to finish that? I’m still hungry.”

Thorax pushed over his plate of pizza. He’d never seen a pony eat like a predator, but it might have been the fangs. Nope, only big cats tore into their food in that exact way. Thorax gave a nervous chuckle. “So … does this mean I’ve married Jekyll and his accompanying Hyde?”

Mal glared at him. “I am the Hobbes to Sec’s Calvin, and the Yin to his Yang, but I am not Edvard bloody Hyde,” he growled, putting a strange accent on “Edward.” He grinned. “I’m not evil, just misunderstood!”

“Where have I heard that before?” Thorax pondered.

Mal suddenly stood up, walked over to Thorax, and ran his tail under Thorax’s chin, giving Thorax a funny look, before galloping away into the depths of the Hive.

Thorax’s jaw dropped, and his face burned. I’d better go find him before he causes real trouble. As soon as I get my hormones under control.

Thorax found Mal in Albert’s Spider Room as it had come to be known, covered in spiders and laughing in delight. Thorax cleared his throat. “Oh! Hi!” Mal said with a grin. “These little guys are delightful!”

“Do you know what you just did?”

“Oh, I’m sorry about just running off like that, I’m pretty impulsive. I’m trying to work on it.”

“I meant with your tail,” Thorax growled.

Mal blinked. “What about my tail?”

“You ran your tail under my chin,” Thorax said.

“I did?” Mal said, clearly confused.

Thorax nodded. “You’re not a pony, and neither am I, but do you know what that act means?” Mal shook his head. Thorax groaned. “Basically: ‘Come Hither.’ You don’t remember even doing it?”

Mal shook his head, face flushing with embarrassment. “Sorry. I didn’t mean anything remotely like that. I didn’t even know I was doing that. I’ll keep my body language under control. Don’t worry, you’re not my type, you’re too nice.”

“Oh? You have a type?” Thorax said with a grin. “What is my husband’s dark side’s type?”

“Monsters,” Mal said simply. “What would you like to do today?”

Thorax shrugged. “Well, we’ve had pizza, so … movies?”

Mal smiled. “I’d like that.” He grinned evilly. “So. Pizza and a movie. Are you asking me out on a date?”

“Well, you are part of my husband,” Thorax smirked back. “Besides, I haven’t had a day off in ages. Albert’s at school, and everyling is pretty busy without me. It would be nice.” Mal nodded, and the two headed off.

When they got all set up with snacks and a comfy couch and a projector screen, Thorax asked, “What would you like to watch?”

Mal settled into the couch, laying down next to Thorax with his head facing the screen. “I like action comedies,” Mal said after some thought. “Things exploding can be very entertaining.” Thorax tried to not swallow nervously. Thorax popped a reel into the projector and started running the film. As the film started playing, Mal was oddly silent, seeming almost tranquil. Thorax started running his hoof through Mal’s mane, and Mal practically melted into the couch. He gave a soft nicker of contentment. He then clapped his hooves over his mouth, his face burning. “Oh, my gods, I’m a freakin’ horse!”

Thorax chuckled. “Being a pony’s not that bad!” He went back to running his hoof through Mal’s mane. “You know Sec purrs when I do this?”

Mal nodded, seeming sleepy. “Yeah. You’re a good parent.”

“Uh, thanks,” Thorax said, taken aback by a genuine compliment. “I’m glad you-”

“They’re getting to the good part, hush!” Mal said with a grin.

That afternoon, Secundus came back home, looking completely drained. He walked into a small chamber that served as his family’s “living room” and saw Mal and Thorax snoozing peacefully in front of the projector screen. He waved a paw and the projector snapped off. He waved his paw again and a blanket draped over the two of them. It was designed to look like the night sky, complete with moving shooting stars. He headed off to check on the state of his kingdom, which didn’t exactly need checking.

As soon as he left the room, Thorax snapped awake, sitting upright. Mal grumbled and pulled the blanket closer to him, before Thorax nudged him. Mal slowly came back to consciousness. “Oh. He’s back,” he mumbled, giving a wide yawn that reminded Thorax of a snake.

“How can you tell?”

“Well, I may not be an empath, but reading your own mind isn’t exactly hard. When we’re within a certain distance of each other, we can hear each other’s thoughts again.” Mal gave a sigh of relief. He then chuckled. “Aside from the Borg, I am probably the only person who would be grateful for the voices in my head to be back.”

“Yes, but we’re so used to functioning that way it’s painful not to,” Secundus said, leaning against a pillar with his arms folded, smiling. He glanced around. “Well, the Hive’s still standing, that’s good.”

“Give me some credit,” Mal muttered. “Did you do this so that I would learn humility or some such crock?” he asked, eyes narrowing.

Secundus sighed. “No, because I’m not that clever. I just wanted you out of my mane, because you’ve been driving me CRAZY!! I figured if Thorax can put up with me, dealing with you and keeping you from your evildoer ways wouldn’t be that much of a stretch.” He pointed at the side of his head. “Would you like to go back in, or do you want to stay out here-?” He thought about something. “If you really wanted to … I mean …” he was at a loss for words. “Do you want to be your own person? I couldn’t make you a Spirit, but I could maybe manage a unicorn.”

“You’d do that for me?” Mal asked in shock.

“I owe you,” was all Sec replied.

Mal thought about it for about five minutes, before he grinned and said, “Thanks, but I’m one of the only things keeping you in check. I think for all our sakes it’s best if I stick to my job as your conscience.”

“Touché,” Sec said.

“However,” Mal said with the speed of a striking cobra, “Can I come out on occasion?” he begged. “It’s really fun! I was genuinely surprised.”

Secundus looked uncomfortable. “I’d … have to clear it with Thorax. And Albert. And I should maybe give my friends advance warning.”

“I’m not that b- Oh. I am, aren’t I?” Mal asked.

“You have your moments, but so does everyone.”

“Hearths’warming! Let me out just for Hearths’warming this year! You’ll have six months to prepare!”

“Deal,” Secundus said. “So, would you like to ascend back to your true form,” he teased, “or-”

“Actually, I’d like to stay. Is that OK?” Mal asked Thorax. Thorax nodded. Mal smiled. “Thanks for taking such good care of my host.” He snickered. “It’s kind of funny that a Changeling married the Changeling King.”

“What do you mean?” Thorax asked.

“Oh! That’s right! He hasn’t told you about human Changelings, has he?” Mal said with an evil grin.

“Mal,” growled Secundus.

“Earth has Changelings?” Thorax asked Secundus.

Secundus sighed. “No. Humans have stories about Changelings, but they’re not real there. You know the Fair Folk in mythology? I’m sure you’ve read that far.” Thorax nodded slowly. “Right! Well, originally, elves and fairies were nothing like how Tolkien or Shakespeare depicted them. They were basically glamorous psychopaths. Occasionally, they’d kidnap a human baby to be a sort of toy. Gods help that child. Anyway, you couldn’t just make a baby disappear, the parents would notice. So, they’d leave a young fairy or a piece of wood disguised as the baby they’d stolen as a replacement. The imposter was called a Changeling. There were … interesting stories about Changelings,” Sec said slowly. He cleared his throat uncomfortably. “Mal always teases me that if I’d lived a few hundred years ago, I would have been a Changeling, since there was a list of “symptoms” to tell if a baby was human or not. In reality, those symptoms were caused by biological and neurological disorders, and some of the symptoms I have in abundance. So, my parents would have thought I was a Changeling, and would have probably taken me out into the woods and burned me alive to get their human child back.” Secundus gave a horrible, brittle smile. “Is it any wonder I prefer the Equestrian version of the story? Before you make another snap judgement of humanity, that’s just how things were back then, they didn’t know what autism was, and in all fairness, I wouldn’t have survived anyway. It was just a human story to explain things they didn’t understand, with horrible consequences. Did you have to make me explain that?!” he hissed at Mal, bearing his teeth and growling in his throat.

Mal swallowed. “I forgot how horrible it was. I was just winding you up. Sorry.”

Secundus growled, clicking in the back of his throat the way he did when he was upset. He sighed. “Right. Albert will be home in about an hour, if he slithers quickly. Can we all play Happy Families until then?”

“You hate doing that,” Mal pointed out.

“I know. I just want to not be ready to strangle you again today.”

Mal nodded. “All right, I can behave for my younger brother. Thorax?”

“I always behave,” Thorax purred. “Why do you call Albert your ‘younger brother?’”

“I’m Sec’s very first OC,” Mal said simply. “And that’s all the explanation you’re getting!” he said, with a light flick of his tail against Thorax’s nose. His eyes widened. “Er … did I just accidentally seduce you again?”

“YOU WHAT?!” Secundus shouted.

Thorax chuckled. “It’s a long story, and it was an accident,” he said firmly. “He just didn’t understand something about pony culture. It’s fine. Changelings don’t have an equivalent for that anyway.”

Secundus gave Mal the Evil Eye. “We’re talking later.”

Mal gave a nervous chuckle. He then said, “Could I change forms? I might not get in as much trouble then.” Secundus gave in and nodded.

An hour later Albert slithered through a portal and went hunting around the Hive. “Dads? I’m home!”

“Dear me, we’ve gone from ‘Dad and Papa’ to ‘Dads,’” Secundus said. “In here Albert!”

Albert came in and saw Thorax and Secundus sitting on a beat-up couch. Secundus was knitting an afghan at furious speeds. At their hooves (and paw) lay an enormous black dog, sleeping peacefully. “Did we get a dog while I was at school?’

The dog opened his yellow eyes and glared. “I’m a Grimhound you Philistine!” he snapped.

“Don’t talk to Albert that way,” Secundus chided. He pointed at the dog. “Albert, this is Mal. You’ve met.”

The voice and eyes clicked for Albert. “Are you the thing that possesses my dad sometimes?”

“Young stallion, I am a person, not a thing!” Mal said. “I’m your dad’s imaginary friend, and for the billionth time, I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting!!”

“Yeah, well, part of repentance is making amends,” Secundus said firmly.

“I’m not doing chores just because I scared a couple of Changelings,” Mal muttered. “Anyway, who died and made you a god?”

Secundus ignored that and said to Albert, “You’ll have to forgive him, he’s been stuck in a body all day, and it’s wreaking havoc with his manners. He’s usually better than that.”

Albert nodded. He asked Mal, “Would you like a dog treat?”

Mal bared his teeth and growled dangerously. He then spat out a phrase in an alien language. Albert’s eyes widened. Mal was then surrounded by a black and white aura and lifted in the air. He yelped, his paws and legs running furiously.

He turned back and saw Secundus’s horn glowing. His left eye had shifted to a deep red. Secundus’s voices clashed horribly as he snarled in icy tones, “In case you have forgotten, which is very unlikely, omnilingualism runs in the family!”

Mal managed to get out a “But-!”

“You are NEVER to speak to my friends or family like that again!!!” Secundus took a deep breath and calmed down. “Albert, do me a favor and cover your Papa’s eyes.”

Sensing Secundus’s emotional maelstrom, Albert nodded, slithered over behind Thorax, and put his hooves over Thorax’s eyes. Some horrible curiosity made him watch what happened next. Thorax couldn’t see what happened, but there was a yelp, followed by a loud crunch. Sensing pure horror radiating from Albert, Thorax pushed his hooves away and shouted, “What happened?” He noticed Mal was gone.

“H-h-he a-ate h-him…” Albert slowly stammered, looking green around the gills.

Secundus huffed. “No, I didn’t, I just reabsorbed him and got rid of the body I built him. Completely different.”

Albert looked terrified. “He unhinged his jaw, and he ate him!!”

Secundus sighed. “That’s our relationship. He does something absolutely horrible, I ‘kill’ him to get him to shut up and distract him. It doesn’t remotely hurt him, and he comes back two seconds later, perfectly fine. We’ve been doing that since I was five,” he muttered with an eye roll. “That’s actually pretty tame compared to some of the ways I’ve had to shut him up.” His eyes flashed gold, and he muttered, “Ow, ow, ow. It actually hurt that time!” “Good,” he growled back.

“Some creatures just have tea parties with their imaginary friends,” Thorax said.

“I’m not most creatures,” Secundus said.

“Just out of curiosity, what did he say to deserve that?”

Secundus winced and closed his eyes. “In Changeish, it approximately translates to-” he rattled off a phrase, vocally making the sounds of wings buzzing for accent marks since he didn’t have any wings. “It loses a lot of the venom in standard Equestrian,” he finished.

Thorax’s jaw had dropped. “I am washing your mouth out with bleach!”

“Tell me about it,” Secundus muttered. “I’m sure I don’t need to tell you to not say that in any language?” he asked Albert. Albert quickly shook his head. “Good.” Secundus’s head tilted to either side suddenly. He snapped his fingers. A twenty-minute hourglass appeared by his feet and a bar of soap appeared in his mouth. His eyes were a dull gold. He made a dour face, before he spat out the bar of soap and clutched at his throat. “BLEAUK!” He groaned and put the bar of soap back in his mouth, then he turned the timer over to start it. He grabbed his knitting and went back to work.

Thorax caught on. “Mal?” Mal nodded, glancing at his knitting. “Did Sec just make you put soap in your mouth?”

Mal nodded, glaring. “I ‘ulnteer’d,” he got out.

“You knit too?”

Mal took out the bar of soap and laid the timer on its side to pause it. “Yes. I’m a guy, and I knit. And I can kill you six different ways with my knitting alone, should I desire.”

“Which of you said that?” Secundus/Mal just grinned, before Mal went back to trying not to eat soap. When the hourglass starting chiming, he spat it out.

“There! Happy?!” Mal shouted. He then shrugged and ate the soap. “Perfectly,” Secundus replied.

“How am I going to tell you two apart?” Thorax groaned.

“As Simba and Mufasa once said, We Are One,” Secundus said with a grin. “At the end of the day, Mal’s just a part of me, that’s all.”

“And you’d say that to Albert?!” Thorax shouted.

Secundus winced. “If somecreature insulted me, my Id would say that to anyone, before it realized what it had done. Which is basically what happened. Albert did call him a dog.”

“He was dog shaped!” Albert shouted. “It was an honest mistake!”

Secundus chuckled. “Well, this family of all should know not to judge by appearance. Sorry about that. Both of me, I mean.”

“I’ll … let it slide. Provided you get your Id under control,” Thorax growled. Secundus laughed and nodded. “Why are you working on that afghan so quickly anyway?”

“Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies, but one of these mornings we’ll get a surprise.”

“Ohmigod, are you pregnant again?!!” Thorax asked frantically.

Secundus laughed. “No. It’s just for something that’s coming up. Well. That’s an interesting day for all of us. Shall I make dinner, or do you want to order love takeout?”

“There’s no such thing as love takeout,” Albert grumbled.

“Worth a shot,” Secundus said with a grin.

The Mane Six and Sombra stood on the streets of Ponyville, all glaring murderously. If looks could kill, there would have been a direct nuclear strike. The pony who they were glaring at didn’t pay them any mind, and he held up a bottle from the crate in front of him. “Yes, Siree!” Flim said, continuing his spiel, “Having heard of the astonishing number of maladies plaguing your fair town, the Flim-Flam brothers are proud to unveil our newest product: Genuine Snake Oil!” As he continued talking, a shadow behind him blotted out the sun. The crowd in front of him suddenly looked very afraid and backed up a few feet. Flim kept going. “Hoof milked from the Quetzals of the Amanezonian Rainforest, the miracle elixir is one-hundred-percent guaranteed to cure what ails-” Flim stopped suddenly, his mouth growing dry. Primitive instincts that were still hard-wired into ponies were screaming that he was about to be eaten. Feeling nervous, he turned around, and tried not to scream.

A wall of pink was behind him. It appeared to be some sort of knitted sweater. Flim’s eyes traveled up a long, noodley stomach and chest to view a long yellow neck sticking out the top. The head attached to the neck was a thing of nightmares. It was topped with large bat ears, and the fur on it was split between painfully bright yellow and sullen blue. The creature was smiling brightly at him, and it was terrifying to see. The teeth on the right side of its mouth were normal enough, but the teeth on the left side were like razors. And sweet Celestia, those eyes! They were inky black and allowed you to gaze into the abyss at the end of all things. A touch of madness glittered in electric blue irises. Flim knew that this being was staring directly into his soul and highlighting the bits it didn’t like.

“Howdy!” the thing boomed in a distorted voice straight out of a horror movie. There was a loud “Thud.” Flim turned back and saw that Flam had fainted dead away. Whatever this creature was didn’t seem to have noticed as it cheerfully asked, “What’s going on here?”

It suddenly clicked for Flim that this was the second resident Draconequus of Equestria. He’d heard that there was another but hadn’t ever actually seen him. Flim didn’t think it was possible to look scarier than Discord, but this Draconequus managed it. He swallowed nervously. “My brother and I are offering our services to the wonderful residents of Ponyville.”

“Really?” the Draconequus asked with interest. “Your brother’s fainted, by the way. I might have some smelling salts somewhere, if it would help.”

Flim walked over and hauled Flam to his hooves. “Flam!” he hissed.

“Oh! Are you two the Flim-Flam brothers?”

Flim suddenly felt very, very nervous, an emotion he wasn’t used to. “Y-yes,” he stammered out. “You’ve heard of us?”

The Draconequus nodded. “Your reputation precedes you, gentlestallions,” he said with a friendly grin. “Might I enquire as to the nature of your product? I’ve heard that you sell amazing, once in a lifetime offers.”

Flam levitated over a bottle of Snake Oil. “This is genuine Snake Oil!” he said proudly. “A miracle cure-all, one that will fix any ailment of body or mind!” The Draconequus let out an impressed whistle. Flam levitated over a large card. “I have here a signed testimonial as to the quality of our product by Princess Celestia herself!”

The Draconequus took the card in his paws, held it up to his eyes, and squinted. After a few minutes, he proclaimed, “Yes, that almost certainly resembles the Princess’s signature.” His muzzle scrunched up. “WHA-CHOO!!!” he sneezed loudly. Black and white flames shot out of his mouth, reducing the card to free-floating ash. “Sorry,” he said, dabbing at his nose with a black and white polka-dot hoofkercheif, “I have horrible allergies. My husband thinks that just because I’m immortal, I don’t have the right to complain about my health.” He thought about it. “Actually, I might be coming down with something, there’s a horrible case of blue flu running through where I live.” The assembled townsponies drew even further away at that statement. “I could honestly do with a bit of a cure-all at the moment. To be honest, I’m feeling pretty run down. I’m tired all the time, and I think my horn is a bit stuffed up. Mind you, it takes a lot of a potion to have any effect on me…” he muttered. He thought about it. “I don’t suppose I could buy up your entire stock, could I?”

Flim and Flam’s jaws dropped open. “Y-you want to buy it all?!”

The Draconequus nodded. “Sure! Like I said, I’m going to need a lot of it, and everyling where I live could use some too. That’s going to take a lot of tonic. Money’s no object,” he said casually. He snapped his fingers and a chest filled with gold coins appeared on the ground in front of him. “Should this cover it? I’m not quite sure,” he said hesitantly.

Flim and Flam stared hungrily at the coins. That was three times what they’d been hoping to make off these crates, and this idiot Draconequus acted like it was pocket change. This had to be too good to be true. Flim trotted over and bit into a coin. To his surprise, it was the genuine article. “YES!” Flim shouted. He composed himself. “I mean, that should certainly cover it. Thank you for your patronage.”

“No problem!” the Draconequus said with a smile. Flim shook his paw. He noticed that the Draconequus shook with his left paw, which was a grizzly bear’s paw, tipped with razor-sharp claws perfect for rending a pony’s hide from their bones. The Draconequus then quickly unloaded the remaining two crates off of the cart and helped to tie down the chest he’d summoned.

“Thank you very much my good sir!” Flam said. The brothers quickly got out of town before the Draconequus realized what was going on, not even bothering to have a farewell song.

Secundus sagged, his act dropping. “I wish those two would stick to fleecing ponies the legitimate way by scamming them at their casino. Bleagh. Lying that much is exhausting. I don’t know how people do it!” He picked up a bottle, uncorked it, and sniffed it. “This is just colored water,” he said distastefully. “It’s not even colored water with bits in! I mean, placebos are all well and good, but you’re not supposed to use them like this!”

“Couldn’t you have, I don’t know, arrested them or something?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“I wish,” Secundus said. “I’m King of the Changelings, I have very little influence in the world of ponies. I wouldn’t lock up Changelings for something like that without proof either.”

Sombra growled, “I should have taken those two right down to the dungeons and-”

“Dear, you don’t have dungeons anymore,” Twilight gently reminded him.

“Oh. Right.” Sombra cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable. “Sometimes I forget that.” Secundus chuckled.

“I do appreciate you getting those scoundrels off our backs,” Rarity said, “but I do wish you hadn’t given them money.”

Secundus grinned. “Who says I gave them money?”

“The chest of gold you gave them would be a pretty good indication,” Sombra pointed out.

“Did I give them gold? I don’t recall. I’m pretty sure I gave them a chest, but not gold.” Seeing the way that they were looking at him, he smirked and said, “I was raised on Scottish and Irish fairy stories. You really think I don’t know how to trick a couple of greedy conponies? Our esteemed Princess of Friendship isn’t the only one who can do illusion and glamour magic, you know.”

“Then what did ya give ‘em?” Applejack asked.

Secundus’s grin widened. “Let’s just say that by the time they get back to the arid clime of Las Pegasus, they’ll be ready to go into the premium hot chocolate business. Mind you, they’ll have a lot of wrappers to fish out first.”

Rainbow Dash snickered. She then cackled, “You gave them chocolate coins?!” Secundus nodded.

“Huh. Fer not bein’ able to lie very well, ya sure can be tricky when ya want,” Applejack said with a grudging admiration.

“Thanks! Anyway, it’s not that I can’t lie, it’s just that I’m really, really bad at it, and too much of it wears me out. I had to learn how to lie just to survive. It’s kind of cynical, but you have to be able to lie at least a little just to have relationships. Mind you, they’re not going to fall for that a second time.”

“What’ll ya do if they make trouble for ya?” Applejack asked.

“I’ll show that they were ripping off ponies first.” Secundus snapped his fingers, and the bottle of “Snake Oil” he was holding disappeared to parts unknown. “Evidence, witnesses,” he said, pointing at his friends. “I even have a head of the Equestrian government to rely on. Besides, I don’t think they will make trouble. Not messing with Spirits is kind of wired into the subconscious of most sentient species.”

“Why were they so scared of you?” asked Pinkie Pie.

Secundus grinned. “You’re all used to me. If you haven’t met me before, I look pretty scary from a pony point of view. I know how to work that to my advantage if I want to.”

Sombra chuckled. “How devious,” he said with a grin.

“Coming from you, that’s high praise,” Secundus said. Sombra blushed. Secundus cackled under his breath. “Mind you, with a description like that…”

“What description?” Twilight asked.

“Just something I read in a story I’m in the middle of,” Secundus said casually.

“Well, thank you for … handling … that,” Twilight said uncertainly. “What are you doing in town, anyway?”

“My son goes to school here, remember? Well, the next town over, but he cuts through here at least. I just wanted to see if they’d take him for the winter semester, but it is not to be.”

“Don’t you mean for the next year?” Twilight asked.

“Whoops. I’m used to a college schedule. Man, how’d I ever live through a whole year of school? Either way, they wouldn’t take him.”

“Why not?” Twilight asked, concerned.

“Oh, it’s nothing bad. Let’s see, how to put it… At the start of the summer, Albert had a basic understanding of Arithmetic, and was impossibly far behind anypony else in his grade. Last week, he started to teach me calculus and trigonometry. At the same time. To put it mildly, his teachers can’t keep up with him, so they’d rather let me deal with him. You can’t exactly call someone an insufferable know-it-all when they really do know it all. Thankfully, he’s not omniscient or anything, but in time he might be.”

Secundus turned to Fluttershy. “So! How are you all doing? I’m kind of excited to see another baby Draconequus or two turn up here!”

“Uh, she’s been kind of-” Rainbow started to say.

“She’s been a super-duper cranky McMeanpants!” Pinkie interrupted.

“I HAVE NOT!!!” Fluttershy roared, completely out of character. She then clapped her hooves over her mouth. “Oh, my goodness! Please excuse me, I don’t know where that came from!” She sat down and started to cry. “I can’t take another six months of this!” she whimpered.

Secundus passed her a hoofkercheif. “Blow.” Fluttershy blew her nose adorably. Secundus stared at her thoughtfully. “Hmm … how far along are you?”

“Well, she looks like a boat, so preeettyyy far, I’d say!” Pinkie said cheerfully.

Fluttershy blew fire out of her nostrils, glaring at Pinkie. Pinkie slinked away. Turning back to Secundus, Fluttershy said, “Not far enough…”

“Well, … as Pinkie … pointed out … you look a lot further along then you should be, even if it might be twins. When was the last time you had a checkup?”

“Last month, why?”

“Draconequui develop instantly when they’re ‘born,’” Secundus used finger quotes, “naturally. Seriously, they go from an infant to an adult in about a day. Albert’s just a lot slower because he’s half mortal, and Changelings age slowly. Even he went from an egg to a hatchling in about eighteen hours. Mind you, both his parents are males, so biologically, he took a bit of fudging, but you do look like you’re due any day now. The fact that your baby was conceived a little more naturally probably means a not instantaneous gestation period, but I don’t think you’ll have too much longer to go.”

Fluttershy flew into the air, turned a cartwheel, and gave an earsplitting cheer of joy. “Whoops. Sorry everypony.”

Everyone chuckled. “Is it really that bad?” Twilight asked.

Fluttershy’s eyes grew wide. “Oh, no, it’s wonderful!! I really can’t describe it! It’s the most amazing feeling ever! There are just parts of it I could really do without,” she said with a smile.

“Glad you’re back to normal,” Secundus said with a smile.

“What was it like when you had Albert?” Pinkie asked Secundus.

“Having an egg grow in you overnight does not count as being pregnant,” Secundus said with a grin. “I have absolutely no right whatsoever to complain about it. Mind you, it was a … good feeling. New life wriggling around in you. If that doesn’t sound too creepy,” he said with a cough. “Of course, I have no idea where Albert actually formed, since I don’t have … aaannnddd that’s way too much information,” he finished, ears drooping in embarrassment. He pulled a paper bag out of thin air and started munching on something black and gummi found within, as a way to shut himself up.

“Oooh! Is that candy?” Pinkie asked excitedly.

Secundus blinked. “Um, yes actually. It’s from another planet, but … it should be safe enough for you to eat. Would you like one?” He proffered the bag.

“Sure!” Pinkie popped one into her mouth and chewed twice. An expression of pure disgust overtook her face, and she spat it out, wiping her tongue to get the taste off. “Pah-too! Bleaugh! It’s like black licorice, seaweed, and nightmares had a baby,” she whined. “I never thought I’d find a candy I didn’t like!”

“There’s no accounting for taste,” Secundus muttered.

Fluttershy had snuck two out of the bag and was chewing thoughtfully. “Um. Could I have the rest of those?” she asked quietly.

“Pardon?” Secundus asked, certain he’d heard wrong. Fluttershy gave him a sweet, gentle look filled with all the innocence and longing of the world. Secundus screwed his eyes shut. “AAUGH! Take it!! Take it!!” he held out the bag, which Fluttershy quickly swiped, now chewing happily. When he was certain it was safe to look, he opened his eyes and growled, “I HATE it when ponies do that!!” Fluttershy shrugged, not wanting to be rude by talking with her mouth full.

Secundus turned to Rarity. “Tell Sweetie Belle thank you again for the sweater, it’s perfect,” he beamed.

“Of course, darling! She was happy to try something new. It is hard to get used to working with your measurements, though.”

“This is my body, and I’m sticking with it,” Secundus said, flicking his forked tongue out immaturely. “Is it true Albert did the stitching for the wording after school one day?”

Rarity beamed. “Why yes! He did a simply smashing job for a novice, didn’t he?”

Secundus chuckled. “That he did.” I slightly sloppy stitching, the words “King Dad Guy” adorned his chest in yellow yarn. “I mean, technically for the reference to be right it should be ‘Mr. Dad Guy,’ but I’m no Asgore, and Albert’s on a learning curve.” He glanced at the crates of phony tonic in front of him. “What to do with these?” A bolt of fire roared down from the sky and reduced them to their constituent particles. “That’s probably sacrilegious on some level, but I don’t really care.” Secundus turned to the townsponies across from him. “Right, nothing to see here folks! Back to your business!” The townsponies all muttered various things before going back to their days. Secundus growled. “I don’t get it! It’s not like the ponies in this town are stupid! Most of them are slightly crazy, and they can be very xenophobic at times,” he snarled, having been on the receiving end of that, “but nopony could say they’re stupid. Are they ever going to learn not to be taken in by those two?!”

Twilight chuckled. “That would be nice, but probably not. At least the Flim-Flam brothers won’t come back for a while, I think they work on some sort of circuit.”

Secundus sighed, annoyed that he couldn’t reminisce further. “Well, Albert should be slithering home about now, so if y’all will excuse me, I’d better make like a shrub and leaf.” Secundus quickly vanished with a dark flash.

“Uh, isn’t it make like a tree and leaf?” asked Applejack.

Albert was busy slithering home at a leisurely pace, flanked by the CMC. Summer school would be over at the end of the week, and he was looking forward to a break. He was busy chatting with his friends, glad that he had made some.

“Woah!” Scootaloo said, “So you’re saying that Changelings and Draconequui never get Cutie Marks?”

Albert chuckled. “Nope. We’ve always said we don’t really need them. In the Bad Old Days, a Changeling was assigned his or her role by the Queen soon after birth. You didn’t question it. Ever. You just developed talents for the role you were assigned, not one defining talent. Draconequui don’t get them either, you become the Spirit of a specific concept, and if you’re like me and Dad, you take on a new name. To me, that sounds cooler than the fur on your butt changing colors,” he said with a grin.

“Hey! Ah worked hard fer this!!” Apple Bloom complained.

“I know, I know!” Albert chuckled, holding his hooves up in a “peace” gesture. “It’s just fun to tease you three about. I’m really happy for you guys, I heard you had a horrible time earning them. It just seems strange if you didn’t grow up in pony culture, that’s all. Actually, I’ve been meaning to ask-” his voice trailed off. Albert stared at a large holly shrub growing on the side of the road and his eyes narrowed. He slithered over to it and curled his tail up like a spring. He then unwound his tail and it went whipping through the air and smacked loudly against the holly shrub, Albert’s version of giving it a hard kick. “Stop stalking me!” he hissed.

“Sorry,” the shrub replied, “How did you know it was me?”

Albert grinned. “Next time pick a shrub that’s native to this area. What do you want?” he groaned.

“Just thought I’d offer to walk you home. Since you’re obviously far too cool to be seen in public with me, I guess I’ll just hobble home then. You’ve got a heck of a kick on you.”

“Thanks,” Albert grinned. “Get thee hence, all right?”

“Fine,” the shrub grumbled.

“Aren’t you hot in that sweater this time of year?” Albert asked.

The shrub moved some branches in an approximation of a shrug. “Not really. Besides, it was a gift! See you soon!” The shrub vanished with a faint “pop.”

“Uh, were you talking to a bush?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“It was a shrub, not a bush. Actually, it was my dad trying to be discreet,” Albert said, rolling his eyes. “I guess he thought I’d handle talking to a shrub better than being embarrassed by my dad.”

“Ooookaaayyy then,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Hey! Are you coming to the Summer Wrap Up Festival and Hoedown?” Scootaloo asked excitedly.

Albert gave a nervous chuckle. “I … uh … don’t handle crowds of strangers well. The only reason I can deal with all the Changelings in the Hive is everyling knows everyling else. Dad went once, and he said he had to lie down for two days afterwards. I think Papa would enjoy it, but he’s pretty busy.” Albert gave a huge smile. “Actually, we’re celebrating in a really cool way!! Dad took Papa to another planet for their anniversary, and they’re both taking me there to celebrate the fact that I wrecked the grade curve,” he said with a smug grin. “They went to some city called Zootopia. Dad’s really excited to show it to me, since it’s the closest parallel to where he grew up, it’s just without humans. He thinks I’d like a world of talking animals, and he’s right! Plus, he says he wants to see what I look like as a liger, whatever that means.” Albert’s excited grin shouldn’t have been physically possible to get bigger, but it somehow did. “I’ve always wanted to go to another planet!!! Dad always wanted to take me, and now he has an excuse to. I did run away that one time,” Albert said thoughtfully. He frowned. “I’m not sure how I did that, and I don’t want to try again.”

Apple Bloom was laughing. “Some of us just get an apple pie if we do well in school,” she said with a raised eyebrow.

“I can’t help it if I have cool parents,” Albert said.

Apple Bloom’s eyes narrowed. “Are you saying your parents are cooler than mine?!”

Albert chuckled. “Absolutely not. They’re just cool for me. Actually, I think stories like your parents’ story are this beautiful, interconnected thing that almost no one can see. It’s like everything that ever came before us, no matter how small or unnoticeable is this amazing, flowing tapestry that shapes and moves us from the past, through the present, to the future. It’s like there’s a whole world connected by strings that no one can see, but if they could, it’d be amazing!”

Apple Bloom’s mouth had fallen open. “Uh … are ya takin’ philosophy in summer school, or are ya smokin’ Poison Joke?”

Albert chuckled. “Not really. I just like to think about things like that.” He grinned again. “Heh. My life would make a very funny story. I haven’t been alive long, but I’ve done a lot. If you took just the highlights from the last two months alone, it’d go on for pages and pages. Probably over fifty…” he thought aloud. He waved goodbye to his friends. “See you tomorrow?”

“Sure thing!” the CMC all called.

In an alley a few streets over from the portal Albert always took between the Hive and Ponyville stood Secundus. In front of him was a small brick wall. It was only three feet high, and four feet wide. It stood in the middle of the alleyway and was too small to be of any use as a border guard. Secundus was gripping it with his paws to the point it creaked, sweating profusely, straining against it with all his might, and gripping it with a couple of limbs that mortals wouldn’t have been able to see. In a strained voice, he managed to snarl out, “Absolutely. NOT!!!” The Fourth Wall admitted defeat, and it dissolved to return whence it came. Secundus flopped down onto the street, completely drained. Breaking the laws of narrative causality really took it out of you when you were in a story. He snickered. “Besides, he’ll find out about that soon enough anyway.”

Secundus was “on duty,” holding court in the Hive. Some of the Changelings had jokingly suggested that he do it and had said he would need a throne to go with it. He’d shrugged and summoned … a rocking chair. It wasn’t even an ornate rocking chair, it was beat up when it was brand new. Secundus had never thought he’d have to deal with a case like this though.

An earth pony stallion was standing in front of him, having travelled to speak specifically with him. “I don’t understand why you want to speak to me,” Secundus said, “Wouldn’t it be better to speak with a representative of your government, instead of one of the Changeling kings?”

“No. It’s something only a Draconequus would understand, and you’re one of two on the entire planet. Besides, Discord scares me.”

“All righty then. How can I help you, Mr.-?” Secundus blinked. “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.”

“THEY NEVER GAVE ME ONE! All I’m called is ‘Background Pony #18!!!’” The stallion went from calm to hysterical in six seconds flat, and only got more worked up as his rant continued. “What kind of name is Background Pony #18?! I’ve been around since the opening title sequence of episode one, and I still don’t have a name!!! All of the other background ponies have gotten names, some of them are even fan favorites! I’ve worked hard to be seen! I’ve done odd jobs all over Equestria so that I could be where I’m required during a certain scene. I once worked for a month as an assistant florist so that I could be in the scene for all of twelve seconds while Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash passed by. Do you know how hard it is to get work like that?!” Background Pony #18 slumped down despondently. “I’m not asking to be a main character or anything, I’m fine with my life, I just think it isn’t too much to ask for a name of my own.”

Secundus swallowed nervously. He cleared his throat. “I … uh … don’t know how to break this to you, but this isn’t the show.”

Background Pony #18 looked up in shock. “IT ISN’T?!”

“Nope. This is just a fanfic.”

Background Pony #18 looked at him skeptically. “Really?” he asked after a while.

Secundus smiled. “’Fraid so.”

“B-but I have memories of-”

Secundus shrugged. “I’m not sure how it works out that way, but it does.” He quickly said, “Don’t worry though, I know the Author extremely well, and I’m sure he’d be happy to help!” After an awkward pause, he growled, “Well?”

{Hmm … you look like a ‘Garry’ to me. At least when I picture you. Would that work?}

The newly-christened Garry jumped up into the air, fireworks and confetti exploding behind him. Secundus still had no clue how ponies did that. “I HAVE A NAME!!!” he shouted rapturously. He quickly galloped back to the portal home to tell his friends and family.

“Wait! You need a last name to … go … with … that…” Secundus managed. “Nice going!” he growled.

{How was I supposed to know he’d go running off like that? You really think I preplan and dictate every aspect of your existence? I just write this. I have next to no actual control.}

Secundus chuckled. “Good point.” He smirked. “So … if you created this AU, does that technically make you its God?”

Celestia paddled overhead in a banana-yellow inflatable raft, singing a heartrending operatic rendition of “and bingo was his name-o” andante, before rafting through the wall and disappearing. “Uh … was that a ‘yes?’” Secundus asked.

{Maybe…}

“Was that the real Celestia, or just a hallucination to prove a point?”

{You’ll never know!} the Author replied smugly.

Secundus facepawed. “I’ve gone mad with power,” he muttered.

{Well, part of us has, anyway,} the Author said. {Hmm… Is the capital ‘A’ too pretentious?}

“Just a bit yes but go ahead and keep it. ‘Til we meet again. See you in your dreams!”

{And at three a.m. to dictate any changes you feel are necessary.} the Author grumbled before getting back to work. Secundus laughed before he was pulled back into the story.

Secundus looked around the empty Hive and sighed. Usually, the Hive wasn’t this empty, but everyling was busy with other tasks, and he went stir-crazy if he just sat still by himself too long. He pulled out his pocket watch and glanced at it. I could be back in five minutes. I mean, worlds have ended in five minutes, but I really need to do something besides be redundant! Just a quick “walk around the block.” He nodded and stepped Outside.

A few seconds later, Secundus was in the universe, admiring a stellar nursery that was forming, hanging around in relatively human form. He was very shocked when he heard hoofbeats behind him. He turned to look, and nearly wet himself. Behind him was a milk-white stallion that was taller than he was. It wasn’t the kind of horse you’d see in Equestria, it was a mighty steed. Sitting astride this magnificent creature was a seven-foot-tall human skeleton clothed in robes woven from absolute darkness, a scythe folded neatly behind him, lifetimers strung along his sides. When his blue eyelights landed on Secundus, his permanent grin widened. The effect was truly impressive and would have been a lot more terrifying if it weren’t for the fact that Secundus knew the White Steed’s name was Binky, and he was a sucker for sugar cubes.

Secundus licked his suddenly dry lips. “Um … from what I understand, you can’t actually be here for me, right? I still have a lot I want to see and do… I mean, if it’s up to me that is.”

Azrael asked me to confer with your encore about certain matters, that is all, Death replied cordially. I am simply on business and happened to be passing.

“None of us are ever ‘just passing,’” a voice replied. Secundus turned and saw a young woman with bone white skin, and long raven black hair, dressed a bit like a goth, with a silver ankh on a cord around her neck. She was smirking at Death across from where Secundus was standing. She was very beautiful and was probably one of the friendliest beings you could meet, and one of the most terrifying. “Hello, Death,” Death said cheerfully.

GREETINGS, Death replied politely.

“How is your granddaughter?” Death inquired.

Death shrugged. She and time are getting along extremely well, so I suppose that is a good thing.

“I … um … hate to interrupt, but what are you two doing here?” asked Secundus. “Neither of you actually belong in this universe.”

Both versions of death grinned. We are having a conference, Death replied. All the differing versions of us for several nearby universes.

“I’m sure you’ll be getting a note about it from Encore soon,” Death said in friendly tones. “You’ll probably be needed as well.” She glanced at her counterpart. “Well! Shall we?”

Death nodded, and with a hyah! urged Binky forward, disappearing after a few feet. Death gave a shrug and followed, seeming to dance before she disappeared, with a sound like a single flap of very large wings.

Secundus sat down in space, breathing heavily. He knew he couldn’t ever die, the same way he knew that water was made of oxygen and hydrogen on most planets, but he still felt like he’d been lucky. He then gave a slightly demented chuckle, an insanely happy smile lighting up his face. “I just met two of my favorite characters in literature!” he snickered. “Being a fictional character rocks sometimes! Wait ‘till I tell Thor- oh.” He cleared his throat. “Well, maybe I can still find a way. Hmm … a meeting of various personifications of Death. That’s … worrisome. I’ll have to be sure and write to Encore to ask what’s going on.” He stood up and dusted himself off. “Right, back to work you crazy Spirit!” With that, he was gone as well.

Secundus was busy sitting in an empty room in the Hive, idly reading a couple of books. For once in his life, he was caught up on the necessary paperwork, and he didn’t want to bother anyling. Sometimes, he and Albert got together in the dead of night, sitting and studying in comfortable silence, just passing the wee small hours, but tonight Albert was at a friend’s house, something Secundus considered an important step in his development. If he concentrated, he could most of the Hive lightly snoring, the light hoof falls of the night guards, and … a crash, a yelp, and somepony running? Secundus sighed. Oh, boy.

A few minutes later, two of the guards came into the room somepony wedged between them. “We found this one lurking, Sire,” said one with a nasty grin. “Shall we give him the usual punishment?”

“Guys!” Secundus peered at the large stallion. “Oh! Guys, he’s a close friend, let him pass. You don’t have to pounce on everyone who walks into the Hive. And don’t call me ‘Sire.’”

“But pouncing’s fun!” one of the guards complained.

“Yes, but try not to scare ponies off. Not everypony who walks in here is a threat to national security.” Secundus waved them off. “Good work catching an intruder, now get back to work.” The guards walked off, muttering under their breath. “Hello, Sombra! What brings you to my not-so-humble abode?”

Sombra didn’t answer, instead he asked, “What’s the usual punishment for intruders in the dead of night?”

Secundus grinned. “It varies, depending on the nature of the crime. Usually, it’s a really, really bad poetry recital. I’ve made ponies weep with horror at what I’ve done to the standard Equestrian language. Prose, I can do, poetry … not so much.” Sombra chuckled. “So! What can I do for you?” Secundus noticed that Sombra was shaking slightly, sweating profusely, and had his teeth clamped. He’d also avoided using magic at all, which was second nature to a talented unicorn like him. “Oh.” Secundus said. “Uh, … cravings?” Sombra nodded, keeping his teeth clamped. Secundus got very nervous. “Uh … you haven’t actually-” Sombra furiously shook his head. Secundus breathed a sigh of relief. “Does Twilight know? Scratch that, does Twilight know you’re here?”

Sombra finally started talking. “No,” he admitted. “It just started out of the blue about three hours ago, and I didn’t want to wake her. I can’t go through this again!” he shouted. “Not the withdrawal, that’s … survivable, but what’s going to happen to everypony if I-”

Secundus commanded, “Relax,” in a funny voice. Sombra instantly relaxed, feeling slightly better. “Breathe in and breathe out.” Sombra managed to stop his panic attack. “Now. You’ve only had this one craving in years. That’s hellishly impressive, that shows amazing willpower. And rather than instantly delve back into Dark Magic, you came to see me instead. Why did you come to see me, anyway?”

“You can usually be relied on to be awake, and you’re the one who cured me last time.”

“Hmph. Doesn’t mean I run a clinic. Let me ask you this: Could you do just one spell without … uh …”

“Becoming totally corrupted by an addicting, forbidden influence, turning back into the monster I used to be, doing unknowable harm to those I love, and trying to conquer Equestria for the Tartarus of it, most likely winding up back on ice?”

“Yeah. That.” Secundus said lamely.

“I don’t think I should try and find out, wouldn’t you say?” Sombra asked with an icy smile.

“Probably not. Well, I know that cravings will go away eventually, once your brain realizes it doesn’t actually need that right this second. I’d be happy to spend the night with you, I’m honestly kind of bored. What would you like to do?”

“I hadn’t thought that far ahead, I just knew that I should not be alone right now.”

“Hmm, well, next time I think you should let Twilight know you’re struggling. She’s entitled to know.”

“Probably,” Sombra admitted with a grin, “but you aren’t officially licensed to kick my flank in this specific circumstance.”

“True. Say, do you like Disneigh movies?”

Sombra winced, then shuddered, then actually thought about it. “Actually, some of them are almost tolerable, I suppose.”

Secundus grinned. “Great! I can show you my world’s version! I’ll even make popcorn!”

“Goody,” Sombra muttered.

“Oh, I can think of one or two parts you might enjoy,” Secundus said with a wicked grin.

“If you say so.”

The next morning, Thorax blearily searched the Hive for his husband, and found him in the entertainment room. He was sitting on a couch, a few books floating in front of him, the pages turning themselves as he read. That wasn’t so unusual, but there was something Thorax hadn’t been expecting. Sombra was curled up on the couch next to Secundus, his front legs wrapped tightly around Secundus’s middle, snoring like a jackhammer. It was almost cute.

“Is there a reason a reformed villain is affectionately cuddling with you in his sleep?” Thorax asked.

Secundus shrugged, being careful not to move too much. “I’m very fluffy?” he guessed.

“Let it go,” Sombra muttered, one of his legs twitching before he went back to snoring.

Secundus snickered at that. “You don’t have to be jealous, he doesn’t even know he’s doing it, if he did, he’d be mortified. He came over late last night … for … personal reasons, and I insisted he spend the night. He’s fine now. I’m going to send him on his way when he wakes up. We spent the night watching movies, and he actually enjoyed some of them.”

Sombra suddenly bellowed, “BEEEEE PREEEEPAAAAARREEEED!!!!” in his sleep, not even waking up, before going back to snoring.

“He, um, really likes Scar,” Secundus said with a grin, “I can’t imagine why.”

Thorax sniggered, having gotten the reference. “Yeah, complete coincidence. Can I get you anything?”

“Nah, I’m good. How to wake him up without getting bitten…?”

Secundus grinned and snapped his fingers. A plate of hot waffles appeared on a table in front of the couch, drizzling syrup and complete with cutlery. Sombra sniffed twice, before he inhaled deeply and licked his lips. His eyes snapped open and he sat bolt upright. “MINE!” he snarled.

“Good morning to you too!” Secundus said with an eye roll. “All yours, you can dig in without cursing somepony, honest.”

Sombra practically flew off the couch and started messily inhaling the waffles.

Thorax’s jaw had dropped. “Is he like this every morning?”

“How am I supposed to know?!” Secundus snapped. “I just know that you don’t get between Sombra and a plate of fresh waffles. That, and Twilight won’t let him have them very often for that specific reason.”

“Isn’t there some sort of cruel and unusual punishments clause in the Equestrian constitution?” Sombra said around a mouthful of waffles.

“You’ve been on the receiving end of what Celestia does to her enemies, so I’d have to guess no, there most definitely isn’t. Anyway, that would cover government interference, not marefriend interference. Slow down before you choke!”

Sombra swallowed. “Sorry,” he said, looking ashamed. “You don’t have to treat me like a foal.”

“I didn’t personally spring you from your dismemberment, but I am the reason you’re here, so I think I can scold you once in a while.”

Sombra’s table manners drastically improved. “I had this strange dream that I was cuddling something fluffy.”

Thorax gave a hissing laugh and Secundus said, “That was me.”

“Really?” Sombra had finished his breakfast and he trotted over and poked Secundus with a hoof. “Hmm, that seems accurate. How fluffy are you?”

“I don’t really know. I think I’m mostly fluff. Let’s find out!”

Secundus conjured a computer with a black screen and green text, a metal arm, and what looked like a strange glass vase in the front. He plucked out a piece of his mane and dropped it into the vase, where it disappeared in a spark of electricity. The computer rumbled before saying, “Secundus: 60% magic, 50% fluff, 43% insanity, 29% eldritchness,” Sombra had a pad of paper and a pencil and was scribbling furiously as the computer continued, “30% kindness, 6% cool.”

Sombra glanced up from his calculations. “That’s two hundred and eighteen percent! How can you be two hundred and eighteen percent of a person?!”

Secundus shrugged. “It’s called ‘personality’ darling,” he drawled. “I’m kind of disappointed I’m only six percent cool.” He grinned and disappeared in a flash of light.

Sombra felt a snip in his mane and glanced up to see Secundus holding a pair of shears and part of his mane, running for the analyzer. “Don’t you dare!” Sombra shouted.

Too late. Secundus dropped the piece of mane in. The computer rumbled again. “Sombra: 40% arrogance, 34% intelligence, 10% emotional baggage, 10% secret kindness, 6% evil.”

Sombra had his hooves covering his face and he was crying slightly. “I’m down to six percent!” he sobbed. “I’ll never live it down! I’m ruined as a villain, ruined!” He uncovered his hooves and saw the way that Secundus and Thorax were glaring at him. “I mean … yay. I’m almost cured of my heinous ways. Joy. Rapture.”

“Do you want to go back to being a villain?!” Secundus asked. “I mean, really? After everything you’ve accomplished both before and after you fell?”

Sombra sighed. “No. Not really. I just … still consider myself one for some reason. It’s probably guilt at what I did. I mean, I don’t remember most of it, but … I’ve read the history books. Anyway, villains do have more fun.”

“Right up until the heroes introduce you to a whole new world of pain, as I recall,” Secundus said in a no-nonsense tone of voice. “I’m not having you relapse on my watch.”

Sombra chuckled. “Thanks.” He thought about something. “Did … we play chess last night?” Secundus nodded. “When did you get to be so good at chess?” Sombra asked suspiciously. “You actually managed to beat me! And were your eyes … yellow? I distinctly remember that.”

“It was four in the morning and you were tired, I’m sure it was your imagination playing tricks on you. To answer your first question, I didn’t really have anyone to play against growing up, so I’d play against myself. Part of me got to be really, really good. Not all of me, just part.”

“Were you … flirting with me?” Sombra asked.

Secundus facepawed. “I’ll kill him,” he muttered.

“What?” Sombra asked in confusion.

“Nothing to concern yourself with, I … wasn’t quite myself at that point. I’m sorry if I creeped you out, neither of me actually meant it.”

“It was strange, but … you were honestly pretty good,” Sombra said with a grin. “I’d better get back before Twilight asks for my hide. Thank you for a good, strange evening.”

“See you later!” Secundus called ask Sombra trotted off the head back to Ponyville. He turned and saw Thorax’s malicious grin. “What?!”

“So does Mal flirt with everycreature?” Thorax asked teasingly.

“Oh, shut up,” Secundus mumbled.

“Which word of ‘Absolutely not’ is confusing you?” Secundus growled.

“But think of the benefits!” Twilight said as she trotted after him.

“‘Benefits?’ What benefits?”

“OK then, think of the knowledge to be gained!”

Secundus stopped and turned around. “Twilight, there is no way I am giving a lecture on Duality Magic to a class at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns!”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t know how it works!” Secundus snapped. “I just do it! You’re the one who figured I should use it in the first place, you’d have better luck analyzing it! It’s completely contradictory to cast and use. Even other Draconequui have trouble with it, although that’s probably because our magic is specialized to each of us.” He sighed. “Look, it’d be like explaining unicycling to octopi. You could maybe do it, it just wouldn’t work well.”

“Could you at least think about it?”

“Well, I can’t say the phrase ‘Not in a million years,’ since I’ll be here in a million years. Ask me then, and I’ll see if I’ve changed my mind.”

“Secundus!” Twilight groaned.

Secundus sighed and snapped his fingers. Sombra appeared, a towel draped over him, his mane wet, his eyes closed, singing into a comb. “AAAAANNNNDDD IIIIII-EEEE-IIIIIIIIII WWWIIILLLL ALLLLWWAAAAYSS LLLOOOOOVVEE YOOOOUU-OOOO-OOOO!”

“Thanks, you have no idea how much that means to me,” Secundus said with a grin.

Sombra yelped and turned around, glaring murderously. “Can you ask before you do that?! I’m not decent!”

“Your fur’s wet and you’re wearing a towel. How that that indecent? The only times I haven’t seen you naked as a jaybird was when we first met and you were wearing your cape and armor, and every year at the Grand Galloping Gala. Even then, nopony wears pants. I’m a former human, and humans wear clothes all the time! I’m the one who should be embarrassed!”

“Yes, but you’ve gone native!” Sombra growled, drying off his mane with the towel. Secundus shrugged. “What do you want?!”

“Has Twilight told her about her aspirations for my teaching career?”

“Yes.”

“What did you think?”

“In much more polite terms, I told her she should have her head examined,” Sombra replied. Twilight glared at him. “It’s not a very sound idea, given the fact that your magic is technically impossible, plus your temperament.”

“It’s ONE lecture!!!” Twilight shouted. “I’m not offering him a tenure!”

“No,” Secundus said stubbornly.

Twilight sighed. “Oh, come on, how hard can your magic be to do? I remember when you discovered it! Mind you, I haven’t tried to do it myself.”

Secundus’s eyes flashed gold. “Fine,” he said in a calm tone, “You want magic? You’ll get magic.”

Secundus snapped his fingers and the world went white for a second. Twilight, Sombra, and Thorax found themselves sitting in seats in front of a ramshackle stage with moth-eaten red curtains. A record hissed before corny carnival music played and Secundus stepped out from behind the curtain. He was wearing his Two-face style top hat, as well as a black cap with a large turned up collar and red lining. “Thank you all for coming here today!” He handed Twilight some strange-looking devices. “These are the standard instruments for analyzing magic, I believe?” Twilight nodded. Secundus continued. “You will observe nothing up my sleeve, since I’m not wearing sleeves.” A large black upright box wheeled itself on stage. “For my first trick, I will need a volunteer from the audience. You sir!” he said, pointing at Thorax, “You will do perfectly.” Thorax nervously trotted on stage. When Secundus felt like this, trouble was brewing. “Let’s give our volunteer a big round of applause, shall we?” Sombra and Twilight applauded weakly, unsure what was going on. Twilight made sure to keep an eye on her instruments.

“Now, if you could please step into the vanishing cabinet? Our last volunteer turned up in Appleoosa a week later, but I’m sure you’ll be just fine! We’ve ironed out the glitches, I’ve been assured!” Thorax swallowed nervously, but stepped in. “Are you all right?” Secundus asked once Thorax was in and the door had been locked.

“It’s a little cramped in here!” Thorax called.

“Don’t worry, it won’t be for much longer!” Secundus wiggled a magician’s wand in front of the box a few times, muttering under his breath. He then grabbed the edges of the box with his paws and started violently turning it around, faster and faster.

“Hey! What the – WHHOOOAAA! HEY, HEY, HEY!” Thorax called. His voice disappeared quickly.

The box fell open to reveal an empty space. Secundus bowed deeply. “Thank you! Now, we’d better bring him back! I wouldn’t want to be accused of regicide!” He snapped his fingers and the box flew back together. He then spun it the other way, before opening the door.

Thorax stumbled out, seeming dizzy. His face was covered in lipstick marks and he had a stunned expression on his face. “Uh … I think I just accidentally got engaged to Mareilyn Maneroe,” he mumbled.

“Tell her your husband’s a jealous axe murderer. That usually does it. Did she book a chapel?” Secundus asked. Thorax shook his head. “Then you’re fine!” Secundus said with a smile. “You can take your seat now.” Thorax hobbled over to his seat.

“Now! A classic of prestidigitation awaits you next!” Secundus said, his grin too wide for his face. He held up a large saw, his teeth sharpening. A box appeared in front of him with holes for legs at one end, and a hole for a head at the other. “My next volunteer is right … there!” He pointed at Sombra. “Please come up! Don’t worry, I’ve washed my paws. I can do this!” Sombra clambered up on stage, unsure what fate awaited him. Secundus helped him into the box before securing the locks.

*Vrsh, vrsh, vrsh … CRUNCH!*

“I can’t feel my legs! I can’t feel my legs!” Sombra screamed in horror. He wiggled one of his lower hooves, which was now separated from his upper body by a three-foot gap. “Oh! There they are! We’re good!” Secundus pulled the two halves of Sombra back together before he flipped the box so quickly it was a blur. Sombra fell out before he stood up and hobbled over to his seat, clutching at his back. “Ow,” he muttered.

“Sorry,” Secundus said. “At least I joined your spine right! Now, for my next trick, I would like you to pick a card young filly!” he said, pointing at Twilight. He held out a deck of cards. Twilight nervously picked one. It’s not like a card trick could have a horribly fatal flaw, right? Secundus examined the card she’d drawn. “Mm. The Tower. My deepest condolences.”

“What? What’s that supposed to- GAAHH!!!” The Hive floor suddenly gave way beneath Twilight and she fell into an unfamiliar sky. Behind her was a three-mile high tower built of black brick. As Twilight fell in front of it a bolt of lightning struck and blew the top of the tower off with an eardrum shattering explosion. Twilight was flailing madly, trying to get her wings to work, when she suddenly fell back into Secundus’s arms and he set her gently on the floor.

Secundus stepped back and shadows filled the room. In an eerie voice he intoned, “And now, oh Princess, you shall deal with me … AND ALL THE POWERS OF HELL!!” he screeched. In a flash of black and white flame, Secundus disappeared and a fully-grown hydra was in his place.

Twilight let out a horrified scream and fired an offensive spell at the hydra. It clasped a hand over where her spell had hit, all three heads wailing in pain. It then quickly dissolved into black and white flames and sparks, its death cry still in Twilight’s ears.

Secundus popped back into his normal body, and gave an overexaggerated bow, hamming it up completely. “Thank you, mares and gentlestallions, you’ve been a wonderful audience!” he shouted in a warm voice.

Twilight and Sombra had identical expressions of stunned horror on their faces, while Thorax had a wide smile and was enthusiastically applauding. After a few moments of sitting in silence, Sombra leaned over and urgently whispered to Thorax, “Is this just a typical afternoon for you two?!!”

Thorax nodded, still smiling. “It’s … not so bad. When you get used to it,” he said with a casual shrug. “Sec’s not just a King of the Changelings, he’s also a King of Drama.”

“I heard that!” Secundus huffed.

Twilight finally found her voice. “WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!” she screeched.

Secundus shrugged. “You said you wanted to figure out how my magic worked. You were annoying me, and I had said ‘No’ about ten times. You never said you wanted to analyze my magic doing something nice.”

“He does have a point dear,” Sombra said. Twilight gave a very unponylike growl.

“So! What did you discover? I’m kind of curious, to be honest.”

Twilight peered at the steaming remains of her instruments, having forgotten she was supposed to be analyzing Secundus’s Duality Magic. She slowly said, “They … got so cold that … they … melted.” She blinked in surprise and confusion. “That’s-”

“Not scientifically possible?” Secundus finished with a grin. “Welcome to my world! When you helped me to discover my magic, I did start out by just combining Harmony and Chaos Magic, but I quickly started combining different dualities, until I got who-knows-what as my personal brand of magic. All I know about the magic I use is that it just works for me somehow, even though it logically shouldn’t especially according to magical theory. I really don’t think anycreature else in the multiverse could use it. I wouldn’t want them to, it’s pretty unstable sometimes. Sorry.”

Twilight sighed. “All right! I’ll avoid trying to use eldritch magic. Happy now?!”

“Thrilled,” Secundus said with a smile. “Now, I’m sure we all have a bit of reigning to do, so before you try and remove my pelt, I’ll bid you good day.”

“I’m not royalty,” Sombra said with a huff. “And unlike you, I don’t think I’d marry into it.”

“Whoops,” Secundus whispered.

Sombra’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Why, do you know something I don-?”

Secundus’s eyes widened and an expression of horror graced his face. He pointed behind Sombra and Twilight and shouted, “LOOK!! A THING!!!!”

As Twilight and Sombra’s heads whirled around, they heard a tell-tale *BAMF!* of Secundus teleporting for his life. They turned back to find he was gone. Sombra facehoofed. “I cannot believe I fell for that coming from him!” he muttered.

Thorax chuckled. “He knows better than to try that with me. Sorry if my husband added to your mental scarring. We’ve got a great therapy system, with reasonable rates, plus expenses,” he said with a sly grin.

“I can see your husband’s rubbing off on you,” Sombra said. “You were almost scary there, are you sure you’re a Hooflefluff?”

“Turns out Sec’s actually a Hisstherein,” Thorax said with a shrug. “You kind of get good at devious thinking married to one.”

“That explains so much,” Sombra said with an eye roll. He saw the way Twilight was looking at him, stars in her eyes and a squeal forming on her mouth. “What?!”

“YOU’VE READ HARRY TROTTER?!!” Twilight asked excitedly.

Sombra nodded. “Of course. I can enjoy literature that’s too young for my demographic too you know!” He gazed at Thorax. “Tell your husband we must have a Hisstherein Club Meeting,” he commanded snobbishly. He turned away and called to Twilight, “Come, Princess, I have plots to conceive and nefarious deeds to commit!”

Thorax was shaking with laughter. “I can see why Sec worked so hard to set the two of you up!”

“Wait … WHAT?!” Twilight asked.

Thorax held up his hock, glanced at it, and his mouth dropped open. “Oh, wow! Look at the time! Arrivederci!!” He flew away in a blur, Twilight and Sombra’s manes streaking back in the direction he’d flown.

“How do those two accomplish anything?!” Twilight groaned.

Sombra chuckled. “They love each other. They make it work. Kind of like us. A former Tyrant and a Princess are a pretty unusual couple.” Twilight looked at him with a loving smile.

A Changeling popped his head out of a hole in the ceiling. “Oh, my Chrysalis, JUST KISS ALREADY!!” he shouted. “We’re all waiting for it!”

Twilight and Sombra blustered for a moment. “Were you watching the whole time?” Sombra asked.

The Changeling nodded with a grin. “Sure! Free food, right?”

Sombra growled, “Listen, you blood-sucking-”

“That’s speciest,” the Changeling said, “We eat emotions, not blood.”

“I didn’t mean-” Sombra tried to say.

The Changeling closed his eyes and in a perfect impression of every younger sibling in the multiverse shouted/whined “Sec! Sombra’s being mean to me!!!”

“I am not the father you are looking for,” replied Secundus’s voice. “Break it up, all right?”

“Uh … is this your other son?” Sombra asked, sweating nervously. He didn’t want to have just accidentally gotten in trouble with another member of Secundus’s family, given what Secundus could be like.

“No, it’s … There’s a running joke in the Hive that Thorax is the adoptive father of most of the younger Changelings, and when I came along, I became second adoptive father by proxy. Not that I’m very good at it. If I have to split you all up …. Y̩͌o̯̣̮̾͑̋ȗ̺ ̯̒͊̔͢ͅa̤̬̭̙͐͌̍͝r̽ͅȩ͚̜̣̖̄͛͛̈̚ ̐̎͜͢rẽ̙a̭͕̽́͌͢l̛͇̹̼̄̿l͇̦̚͞y̨̭͉͛͒͠ ̨̩̩͙͑͊̏͡N̺̲̳͔̄̌͌͞OT͓͒ ̍ͅg̰̚oi̥͓͕̲͐͊͛̓͒ͅǹ͙̼̕ḡ̟ ̢̊to̬̫͌͘ ̥̤͂̒l̥͍̯̱̉͒̀̃ì̛͔̙̩͒̊͜ḱ͓̞̗͙̑̿̈̏͜ė̛̹͓ ͜͠wh̯͍̆̅a̠̖̭͂͋̊t̥͉͛̚ ̡̱̅͐͝ͅha̼͓͈̮̍͐͌͝p̧̗͂̾p̛̤͉̿̋͜e͇͡n̡̠̮̑͒̆s͎͍̟̽̿͞ ̥͎̪̓͋̈́͆͟ne͇͝x̱̃t̘̜̼̺̋̓̐͐.̛̙͈̞̬͗͋͐.̢̗͚̏̏̽̓ͅ.̡̀”

Twilight had never seen Sombra run so fast. The Changeling had also apparently vanished into thin air. It took all of her self-control not to wet herself. She cleared her throat. “Firstly, may I commend you on how perfect you’ve gotten your Scary Voices? You sounded downright demonic.”

“Thank you,” came the unseen reply.

“Second, … DON’T MENTALLY SCAR YOUR FRIENDS FOR LIFE!!”

“Will do! See you later!”

Twilight certainly did not fly back to the portal at breakneck speeds. Sinister chuckling followed her.

All the Changelings lining the hall of the Hive were staring in slight shock at what was approaching. Secundus had grown to almost the size of a fully-grown dragon, walking down the hall on all fours. His teeth were carrying a pony mare by the scruff of her neck the way a cat would carry its kittens. The mare in question was a mint-green unicorn with yellow eyes, a green and white mane, and a cutie mark that looked like an old-fashioned harp. She was currently shouting at Secundus.

“Oh, come on! You have a library! A whole library filled with books on humans!”

Secundus could talk with his mouth closed, it just meant that he had one voice instead of the usual two. “You’re lucky I’m not pressing charges for trespass, Lyra. Guests are supposed to keep out of the levels marked ‘Out of Bounds,’ which you didn’t. That library is for my immediate family’s use only.”

They’d come to the portal, and Secundus gently set Lyra down inside it. Lyra raised a hoof to the sky and shouted, “The people have a right to know!”

Secundus rolled his eyes and shrank down to his normal size, standing up and folding his arms. “The Badlands are a monarchy, and I am one of its monarchs. My kingdom is so small that when necessary, I am all three branches of government. Provided I don’t abuse it, in certain circumstances, my word is law. If I say that no one is to use that library, then no one is to use that library.” Lyra opened her mouth to object, but Secundus held up a paw to cut her off. “You could always petition Celestia to petition me, but that would be a long, drawn-out engagement involving mounds of paperwork for both of us, a few books aren’t worth that. If I find out that you personally are responsible for tripling my paperwork just to get into that library, I will come in the night and drink your blood,” he hissed, baring his teeth. “It’s not worth all this trouble. Humans are just another species in the multiverse, with all the flaws and graces granted therein. They aren’t much better or worse than most others. They just are. Anyway, I’m not supposed to let anycreature know about them, I just made that library because my son is even more obsessed with humans than you are,” he said with an eye roll. He thought about something. “Aside from me, how did you hear about-? Never mind. I don’t want to know. Goodbye Lyra, I will see you in a few weeks for the Running of the Leaves and the start of cider season.”

“Fine…” Lyra huffed.

“Thank you,” Secundus said, pressing the button. Lyra was quickly whisked back to Ponyville. Secundus slumped against the wall.

There was a familiar chuckle behind him. “We … might need to take some extra security precautions with that thing,” Thorax said, stepping out of the shadows. “Would you be willing to work with Pharynx on that? He would not want to know we’ve got ponies showing up more than they already do.”

Secundus nodded. “Will do.” He sighed. “It seemed like such a good idea at the time, too.”

“It was,” Thorax said supportively. “We were almost completely cut off from the rest of Equestria before, now we’re more connected then we’ve ever been! We just have one or two issues to work out, that’s all. And just think! In a few months, it will be Hearts and Hooves Day! We’ll be able to go all over Equestria on that day! With all the love we’ll be able to harvest, we’ll be unstoppable!” Thorax cackled manically, green flames shooting up behind him.

“Rrrriiiiggghhhttt….” Secundus said slowly, his body tensing up in a predatory manner. He peered at Thorax, then said, “I honestly don’t know if I should apologize for this…” He snapped his fingers, and Thorax was suddenly tied very securely to a chair.

Thorax struggled in vain against the bonds. “Hey! What gives?!”

Secundus got down on all fours and padded over to him, clicking in the back of his throat the way he did when he was really upset. In one motion he stood up and plunged his paws into Thorax’s chest. Thorax gave a cry of pain before Secundus pulled something out of him.

Thorax looked back and saw his body slumped in the chair. He looked down and saw that he was floating in the air, and pretty transparent. He stuck a hoof through his chest to confirm something, before glaring murderously at his husband.

Secundus seemed relieved. “Oh, thank heavens, it’s you.”

“YOU RIPPED MY SOUL OUT OF MY BODY?!!” Thorax screamed.

Secundus shrugged. “It’s the only way I know to be 110% certain that you’re you and not your mother. I’m a little paranoid that she’ll show up one of these days to exact her unholy revenge. I’m sorry, I completely overreacted. Again.”

Thorax fumed before he said, “Your parents never pop out of your mouth by accident?”

Secundus snickered. “Oh, absolutely. I sound just like my mother a lot. However, the last time I checked, my mother isn’t a super-villainess hell-bent on world domination. Mind you, the last few days I’ve been acting like a villain. I don’t understand why I’m being written this way,” he muttered too softly for Thorax to hear. He cleared his throat. “Anyway! I’ll just pop you back in, no problem!” Due to his very sharp teeth and over-exaggeration of facial expressions, Secundus’s reassuring smiles usually weren’t at all. He reached out a paw and gently shoved Thorax back into his body.

Thorax sat up and his eyes narrowed. “Firstly … don’t talk about my mother like that. If anyling gets to slander her, it’s me. Secondly … try thinking before you do something like that again. Now untie me before I come up with another way to kill you. I’m up to seventeen. No, eighteen.”

Secundus didn’t even bother snapping his fingers for dramatic effect. The ropes just poofed away and the chair disappeared from under Thorax. Secundus managed to catch him in time and set him on his hooves. “Sorry. I guess … I don’t know. I can be pretty … I don’t know.”

Thorax shot his husband a look at his sudden mood change. “You OK?”

Secundus nodded a little too quickly. “Sure, I’m fine, honest.”

Thorax chuckled. “You really are the worst liar I know.”

“Hey, not everyone can be raised to infiltrate other societies, all right?”

“Hey, just because I was raised to do it doesn’t mean I was good at it!!” Thorax said with a chuckle. “I never told you about the time I wound up accidentally impersonating the Mayor of Whinnyapolis, did I?”

Secundus facepawed. “Oh, gods, you didn’t!!”

“Hey, I was twelve, I could see that everypony seemed to really like him, I figured it was a good way to get lots of free affection. Was that ever a mistake!” Thorax said with a grin. “Someling who’s the equivalent of six is not qualified to run a major city.”

“No kidding. Judging by your Crystal Hoof ‘sona, you didn’t seem to have gotten much better between then and the time you met Spike.”

“I got a little better!” Thorax snapped defensively. He then thought of something. “Hey, what does your soul look like?”

Secundus suddenly got very nervous, the taste slightly bitter. “Oh … you know…” he said casually, waving his paws around vaguely. “Soul-like. Nothing too exciting. I’m sure you’ve seen lots of souls and can get the gist.”

“Sec,” Thorax said. “Use adjectives, please.”

“Do I have to?!”

“What’s making you so upset?”

Secundus sighed. “Fine, but don’t claim in court I didn’t warn you. Here.” He passed Thorax something.

Thorax examined them closely before he gave an amused chuckle. “Your soul looks like a pair of three-dee glasses?”

Secundus stuck his tongue out childishly. “3-D glasses are red and blue; those glasses are blue and orange. They’re sixth-dimensional. Oh, and I don’t fit in here, so sorry about this. Put them on.”

Thorax did so and blinked when he found himself floating peacefully in space. He wasn’t wearing the glasses anymore and found that he was again translucent. It didn’t take him long to figure out that he wasn’t in his body again. “I just ask him what his soul looks like and he takes mine out again,” Thorax said with an eye roll. “YOU’D BETTER HAVE A GOOD REASON FOR THIS!” he shouted. He glanced around at the starry night he was in. “Sec?” he called nervously. “Where are you?!”

“Behind you,” Sec said in a small voice. “You might want to turn around slowly.”

Thorax flailed until he figured out how to steer, and when he managed to turn around, his jaw dropped. If he’d still had a bladder, he might honestly have wet himself. “Whoa. You’re HUGE!”

“You should have seen me before I went on a diet,” Secundus said, amusement pouring off of him in waves of light. “I did say ‘I don’t fit in here,’ remember?”

He was made up of ribbons of white light gently curving through the stars and nebulae, and around and throughout planets. The ribbons changed brightness, direction, and shape in seemingly random ways, although some did appear to function as limbs. At the center of … whatever this was … was an endless knot made up of smaller ribbons, gently coiling and retying itself with infinite patience. At the edges of the not-shape shapes would appear and fade that briefly suggested a multitude of eyes or sharp teeth the size of a large moon. It should have been unsettling or creepy, but Thorax found it … beautiful.

Thorax managed to find his voice again. “H-how big are you?” he asked in wonder.

The ribbons seemed to shrug. “About the size of a standard solar-system actually. There’s a reason a Spirit’s true form isn’t material, we’d break the planet!” More of the suggestions of teeth briefly appeared in a Cheshire-cat smile. Yep, that was definitely Secundus.

“Wow,” was all Thorax managed to say.

Some of Secundus was tinged yellow with amusement. “I’m sorry if my magnificence blinds you,” he said, feigning arrogance. A tendril of light that could easily have wiped the entire continent of Equestria off the map lazily uncoiled from the main mass and reached out towards Thorax. The pointed end was smaller than Thorax’s head, and it gently poked him on the tip of his snout. “Boop.”

Thorax cantered around madly in circles. “AAUGH!!! I’VE BEEN ‘BOOPED’ BY AN ELDRITCH ABOMINATION!! I HAVE ELDRITCH GERMS!!!! GET SOME HOLY WATER! GET SOME DISINFECTANT! GET SOME IODINE!!!”

Secundus’s edges were now purple, and a couple of tendrils folded over themselves like he was folding his arms. “Thorax,” he growled lowly. “I have ‘booped’ you plenty of times before now, and it hasn’t killed you yet. I’m still me,” the ribbons that made up Secundus’s strange soul turned in a way that suggested his was looking at himself, “I’m just a little more cosmic and glowy than you’re used to seeing me.”

Thorax was still running around. Secundus sighed loudly enough that some cosmic dust rippled. He reached out a couple of tendrils and yanked Thorax and held him in one place. Thorax cackled with a manic grin on his face. “I have seen Eternity, and it snows choco pies!!!”

“Oh, for th’ love o’-” Secundus booped Thorax a second time.

Thorax quickly shook his head, the insanity clearing away. “Um… thanks?”

“And that is why you don’t ask to see a Spirit’s soul! Can we say you learned a lesson and things I don’t talk about are best left undiscussed?”

“Never,” Thorax said with a grin.

Secundus rippled with laughter and let Thorax go. “I’m actually kind of sad, I … used to still look human. Inside, I mean. This doesn’t exactly look human, does it?”

“Not really, no.” Thorax’s eyes widened. “What is that?”

“Hmm? Oh. It’s a, uh…” Secundus twirled around in a rather dazzling display until his other side was facing Thorax. “I guess ‘scar’ is the right word.”

One of Secundus’s ribbons was a dull grey that ranged through to a black that hurt to look at. The edges were jagged, and the air suddenly pulsed with pain. Thorax screwed his eyes shut. “What is that?!”

“I told you, it’s a scar.”

“How can a soul have a scar?”

Secundus sighed. “If you take a hot knife, and cut your arm all day, every day, you’ll wind up with a hell of a scar. Same principle. It’s just what hatred does to you. Well, that and it leads to the Dark Side,” he said with amusement.

“Oh. … You-?” Thorax couldn’t even finish the question.

“I … I’m getting better. It just takes practice. And time. And support. All of which I have in abundance. Now! I should probably pop us back in our bodies before someling thinks we’ve died.”

“YOU JUST LEFT OUR BODIES-” Thorax sat up. “THERE?!!” he finished shouting. He glanced around. “Oh. Whoops. Sorry everyling. Long day.” The assembled Changeling all chuckled nervously and got on with their days.

Thorax tasted a maelstrom of emotions behind him. He glanced back and saw Secundus with a nervous look. His emotions ranged from nervousness to fear to hatred to sadness, and it was really messing with the nearby Changelings.

“Sorry. I have to stop doing that.” Secundus had his claws dug into his arm.

“You OK?” Thorax asked carefully.

Secundus nodded, a huge smile suddenly plastered on his face. “Yep! I’m fine. Never better.”

“Sec,” Thorax groaned in exasperation.

Secundus dropped the act, closed his eyes, dug his claws in harder and grit his teeth. So quietly Thorax could hardly hear it, Secundus said, “I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine….” Thorax knew when he was like this, he wasn’t aware of anything around him, and wouldn’t even talk to himself.

Thorax sighed in defeat. He hated not knowing what to do.

The next morning, Thorax woke up bright and early and gripped his horn as he yelped in pain. “Sweet cheese sticks!!! What is going o-? Oh, no.” He dashed to the “window” of his bedroom and waited for it to open. When it did, he noticed that the entire sky over the Badlands was covered in thick grey fog. Thunder rumbled sullenly. Thorax let out a stream of curses in Changeish that would have made even Pharynx blush. “It’s been months!! Why here, why now?!”

He dashed downstairs to a large main chamber of the Hive. If he had to use a word to describe the Changelings in it, he would have picked, “hiding” or “cowering.” There were several empty bottles of aspirin lying around the floor, and the Changelings were all huddled together for emotional support. When they all saw Thorax the started yelling about twenty different things. Thanks to his assertiveness training, Thorax was able to get them to stop just by holding up a hoof. “Right. I know this looks bad, but we can get through this. If we’re careful. I hope. Does anyling know where Albert is?”

“He left for Canterlot the second this started,” a Changeling whimpered.

“Well, I can’t exactly blame him.” Thorax did a quick head count. “Right. Someling find about twenty sticks about the same size and bring them back. If you try and run away, I’ll throw you in the brig for treason,” he joked to make the mood lighter. It really didn’t help.

“We’re drawing lots?!” a mint Changeling cried in outrage.

Thorax sighed. “Yes Cornicle, we’re drawing lots. I did it last time and I never want to do it again. And this is me we’re talking about.”

“Why couldn’t this just be solved in Feelings Forum?” a Changeling sobbed.

“Some things aren’t that simple,” Thorax said with a sigh. “Right. Quicker we start, quicker this can finish.”

As soon as the sticks were brought everyling drew one with their eyes closed. The loser swallowed nervously. All the Changelings grabbed him in a hug, feeding him love and emotional support. He glared at Thorax. “You just had to go and fall-” Thorax gave him the Stare, and he quickly ran to start his mission.

The doomed Changeling didn’t know exactly where he was heading, but he knew how to tell when he was getting close, he’d hurt more. He headed down into the lower levels of the Hive, growing more and more nervous. The hornache was getting really bad. He came to the hall leading to the Library. Of course. It had to be in there.

He stared in shock. No, it wasn’t his imagination, the color really was draining out of the world the closer he got. This was not a good sign. When he got within three feet of the Library, he started hearing whispers, too quiet to make out, but eerily hissing things at him. Nope, not going there. He nervously cracked open the door. Changelings can see pretty well in the dark, but it was pitch black in there. After his eyes adjusted, he picked out what looked like a long shape coiled on a stack of books like a dragon. Two small pinpricks of blue light were regarding him coldly.

He swallowed nervously. The feelings of hatred and despair were horrible down here. “Um. Your high-” No. Bad idea. He hated being referred to by a royal title. The Changeling simply settled for, “Sir, um, we were-”

“I want to be left alone.” Secundus only had one voice, and it was devoid of any emotion at all. He couldn’t even be bothered to sound upset at being disturbed. Secundus’s eyes narrowed, and he managed to sound coldly threatening when he said, “If you don’t leave me alone so I can work through this, I’ll turn you into something funny, and when I’m like this I have a very twisted sense of humor.”

The Changeling quickly fled.

Secundus set his head back down on his paws, another voice joining the swirling mess in his head. Nice job, now you’re threatening your subjects. Some great king you’ve turned out to be. And they’re all empaths! You’re leaking insanity all over the place, in a building full of empaths. That’s not going to cause any mental health problems. Why can’t you just – forget it. You’re not worth my time. I don’t see why anycreature puts up with you. Those thoughts were replaced by others. Secundus sighed, pried his ears off, and gently chewed on them to stop the noise, knowing it wouldn’t work. The room slowly grew darker and colder.

Several hours later, Secundus appeared in the kitchen with a faint *BAMF!* Thankfully, the kitchen was empty, and he couldn’t hear anyling around. He slumped into a chair. He didn’t know what to do. He was feeling better, but…

Secundus conjured up a carton of a heavily-trademarked brand of personal-sized ice creams, the flavor of which was a fruit-based pun on a famous Earth guitarist’s name. He sighed again at all of the memories of home this particular flavor of ice cream brought. Oh, well. He opened the lid, held the carton in his paws, and closed his eyes. His horn lit up half black and half white. A few seconds later, the cartoon was steaming. Secundus took a swig of the warm ice cream, chewing on the maraschino cherry halves and fudge bits. Beats having to use a microwave. He drained the rest in one gulp. He then bit into the cartoon and chewed morosely, since the ice cream had had about that much flavor due to his mood. Besides, he was part goat, right? Maybe. He’d eaten things far worse for him, like glass, and anti-matter, and … Probably not a good idea to eat broken glass when he was in a mood like this. Sweet soggy cardboard. Mmm. Just like Ma used to make. Right.

Now that he was done, Secundus knew he owed a couple of hundred Changelings a profuse apology. His depression wasn’t technically his fault, but it had still hurt them, so he wanted to make up for it. Besides, he’d threatened one of them for just being nice to him, because gods forbid that he ever think he was worth being nice to, he thought with an eye roll. He could certainly be a monster when he put his mind to it though. At least his dad hadn’t been actually trying to be cruel. That was a depressing thought for another day. Right. Apology. Preferably with cake.

He got up and started wandering through the Hive. No one was in sight. Ah, good, I scared them all off! Wonderful.

Secundus came to a large chamber and looked around in confusion. The room was crammed full of strange things. Chairs, rugs, a painting, a bowl of fruit on an end table, rocks, bushes, crystals, and even a ticking grandfather clock. There must have been hundreds of random items crammed into a room. It was like the multiverse had had a rummage sale and dropped everything off here.

Secundus scratched his head in confusion. “OK, I know I’m absent-minded, but I do not remember all this being here this morning.”

A rocking chair with green cushions suddenly leaped up and cried, “ATTACK!!!!”

There were so many flashes of green light that Secundus was blinded. Seconds later he was flattened by a group of Changelings dog-piling him. He was completely covered except for his head. “Get off of me!!!” Secundus bellowed, his form rippling as he prepared to shapeshift.

A Changeling buried his head into the fluff on the top of Secundus’s chest and said, “Nope. We answer to a higher authority than you.”

Secundus blinked in shock. “I’m your King. I basically rule. I was just reelected Dictator-for-Life of the Get Rid Of Scary monsterS club. Who the heck outranks me?!”

“Thorax has seniority,” a Changeling replied with a smile.

Secundus opened his mouth to object before he admitted, “Fair point. Um. What are you all doing?”

“It’s a science experiment Thorax thought we should try! We’re attempting to see if we can cure your depression by transferring love via osmosis. Is it working?”

Secundus thought about it. “Not quite. But maybe we should keep trying. For science.”

“FOR SCIENCE!!” the Changelings cheered.

Secundus chuckled. “I … just – wow. What did I do to deserve you all? I’m nowhere near that good a person.”

“Shut up and feel better!” Cornicle muttered, clinging to Secundus’s arm.

“I … uh …” Secundus stammered. He heard a very familiar “Hmph.” “Pharynx?!” Secundus asked in shock. “What are you doing here?”

“Your mood is affecting the entire Hive in a seriously negative way. You’re a threat to proper Hive functioning. I do care about you, but don’t think I’m getting mushy.”

“Duly noted.” Secundus thought about something. “Why, after how much emotional trauma I put you all through, which translates to physical pain for Changelings, are you all being so nice to me?”

“Thorax isn’t the only Changeling to have traveled Equestria,” a member of the group said in serious tones. “I know what somecreature not wanting to live tastes like.”

Secundus’s eyes widened in horror. “I – I wouldn’t – I mean-” he gave a hollow bark of laughter. “In the first place, it wouldn’t work. In the second, it would really hurt. In the third, I don’t want to do that to anyone I love. In the fourth place, I’d get bored of it after a few tries. I mean … I might not want to live, but that doesn’t mean I have to act on it! Sooner or later, I’d feel at least a little better. Enough to carry on for the day if nothing else. I might be kinda … off forever, but that doesn’t end planets or anything. It’s just a really bad mood thanks to my chemistry being off. It’s fine.

“I actually owe you all a huge apology. Today was bad enough for me, but you all had to share it. That’s … messy.” Secundus finished. A Changeling chuckled somewhat deviously. “What?” Secundus asked.

“You’re feeling better,” she replied with a sly grin.

Secundus blinked. “Oh. I am. Look at that.” He gave a grin, before vanishing in a flash of black and white fire. A blue and gold Changeling was in his place. Some of the other Changelings grumbled as they readjusted the snuggle pile.

“Why’d you do that?”

“Well, I’ve got all this love and support being aimed my way, might as well take full advantage of it! I kind of like the way love tastes.”

“What … uh … set you off this time?” a Changeling asked carefully. Some of the other Changelings shot him dirty looks.

“Guys, it’s fine! I’m better!” Secundus cleared his throat. “I was, uh, thinking about the fact that I’m going to outlive this universe. And the next one. And the next. I try not to think about it, but sometimes I remember that I’m going to outlive everyone I’ll ever care about. Except Draconequui, but … I kind of prefer mortals. My adoptive family scare me a bit still. Anywho. After a while, I started thinking that it was my fault,” he gave a sudden snicker. “Well, it is, but not this me. Buddy, I tell you, if I could reach through that screen…” There was a faint, distant sound of very nervous typing…

Secundus cleared his throat. “Anyway, back to ‘reality,’” he said with a grin. “So, one thing kind of led to another, and … here we are. Depression bites. Again, sorry.”

“Well, you’re joking again, so that’s good,” Thorax said from the doorway with a grin.

Secundus waved a leg. “Get in here! There’s room right here!”

Thorax chuckled, walked around the pile of Changelings and snuggled up to his husband. Noling said anything, they just all offered emotional support to one another, and contently hummed.

After about half an hour, Secundus said, “You know, I think I’m going to decree twice a month Hive-wide cuddle sessions. They aren’t mandatory, they’re just there if you need them. We are a fairly democratic monarchy, would anyling care to second the motion?”

“Aye!” about ten Changelings called.

“So motioned,” Secundus said. “I’ll write up the paperwork later.”

The Changelings chuckled. While they had been intending this to make Secundus feel better, so he’d stop messing with things, it had actually helped everyone feel better.

After a while longer, Secundus sat up. “OK, that’s enough! Get lost before I turn you all into hideously adorable kittens or something. And THANK YOU!” he shouted, voices echoing off the walls as the Changelings scattered to get an actual start on the day they’d missed most of. “Right, I’ve got about fifty things to do now. I hate that part. C’mon Moosey, help me figure this out.”

Early the morning after Secundus wound up scaring the Hive, Thorax woke up and noticed breakfast had been laid out for him. There were about three bottles on the table next to the bed, each filled with a glowing light. Secundus had joked at one point that he’d had so much practice metaphorically bottling his emotions over the years that literally bottling them for his family and subjects wasn’t much of a stretch. Thorax examined the tag on each bottle. On one side they all said, “EAT ME,” which made him chuckle. One of the bottles was labeled “Love,” one was labeled “Peace,” and the last was labeled “Gratitude.” Thorax knew that Secundus had trouble with gratitude and almost never felt peace, so the fact that he had yesterday made Thorax feel good about himself. A note under the bottles read, “Share the leftovers!” Thorax chuckled and uncorked a bottle. He ate about half the Love, and took a small sip of the Gratitude, intending to share the rest with the Hive, since they were responsible for it. The Peace he decided to save for a rainy day.

He got out of bed and set the bottle of Love outside Albert’s door. He trotted into the chamber that held Secundus’ throne room. Hanging above the weathered rocking chair that served as Secundus’ “throne” was a sign with three sections and a sliding arrow at the bottom that moved to point up at one of the sections. The three sections were from left to right; “IN,” “OUT,” and “SHAKIN’ ALL ABOUT.” “IN” meant that Secundus was currently in either the Hive or the Badlands. “OUT” meant that Secundus wasn’t in the Hive, but was still on Equis, and could be reached quickly I.C.O.E. “SHAKIN’ ALL ABOUT” meant that Secundus was out somewhere in the multiverse for business or pleasure and would return your call at his earliest convenience.

The arrow was currently pointing at “IN.” Thorax concentrated. He couldn’t feel Sec anywhere, but the sign never lied, … which meant there was only one place Sec could be. Oh, foal. Thorax thought with a chuckle.

Thorax headed out into the gardens behind the Hive. In the very back, in an out of the way place, there was a gap in the plants, a line in the sand, and a wooden sign. The gap was wide enough for two Changelings to comfortably walk through. The line that marked the border was about an inch deep and an inch wide. The air on the other side of the line rippled and shimmered like a wave of heat. The sign read, “Management is not responsible for loss of life, limb, or sanity. Enjoy your stay, and DON’T LITTER!”

Thorax pushed through the border, the air tingling on his carapace as he did so. He was still in the Hive gardens, but not gardens that would show up well on a map.

Secundus had one day innocently asked if he could stick a garden on the back of the Hive, so that he could have a place to relax. Thorax had agreed without knowing quite what he was getting himself into. The fact that Secundus had been gone for the next sixteen hours should have tipped him off. When he was done … well … creativity can be addicting, and he’d “overdone it a bit.”

Secundus’ additions to the garden were at least the size of the rest of the Badlands. He’d created something that was pretty relaxing, and he’d done it with an artist’s eye, but … he’d forgotten one or two minor details. Like physics.

The garden was broken into sections. Even Secundus wasn’t exactly sure how many there were anymore. He had a section apiece where it was always the stereotype of one season: burning fall colors and the smell of campfires in one, frosty paths, icicles, and snow in another; the sort of weather you dreamed about as a kid.

There was a section where every plant and object was a different color of black, with a koi pond full of skeletal fish, since Secundus couldn’t accidentally kill something that was already dead. They really liked being fed dark Rye.

There was a section that was just a wheat field. There was another that had more sunflowers and poppies than could easily be counted. There were streams running throughout everything, and occasionally running uphill and into water mills that were straight out of an Escher lithograph. There was an Anglish country manor garden, a tea garden that was just missing a Hatter and Hare, it went on, and on, and on.

Most of the Changelings agreed that Secundus’ gardens were a tranquil, timeless place to take your mind off things. EVERY Changeling agreed that no sane creature would ever set hoof in there. You could spend an entire day in there, and not see everything. Which made finding a certain noodle tricky … unless you followed the music, Thorax thought with a grin.

As if the music wasn’t enough, the scent of joy would have helped Thorax find his husband. He found him in a clearing where it was always a perfect summer afternoon. At least … he thought it was Secundus. There couldn’t be many temporarily human-shaped entities in Equestria who danced that badly.

Secundus couldn’t lie to save his life, so he’d eventually told the rest of the Changelings that he hadn’t made up humans as a species, he used to be human. He’d even shown them what he looked like. Once the jokes of “Who’d shave a chimpanzee?” had died down a few weeks later, Secundus had offered to answer questions about humans, explaining that he couldn’t tell some things, he was by no means an expert, and he wasn’t exactly unbiased.

Since then, Secundus occasionally hung around the Hive in his old form, although he very much preferred his Draconequus form, since his human body, “Hadn’t ever fit right.” Whatever that meant.

Secundus was currently wearing a grey and orange striped hoodie and grey slacks, although he was still barefoot. He also had on a black feather boa, for reasons that could only have made sense to him. He was twirling it around as he danced. He had some sort of rectangular device plugged into a portable speaker and was singing along with The Birthday Massacre’s cover of I Think We’re Alone Now. It helped that he could magically autotune his voice to match.

Thorax chuckled and just stood and watched. Secundus had his eyes closed and hadn’t seen him yet. Thorax squinted. Across from Secundus there were very brief semi-transparent flashes of … black, gold, white, and grey. They seemed to be forming a shape. Thorax concentrated. It looked like a mirage, but he made out a dancing monochrome human in dress clothes, with black spiky hair, gold eyes, fangs, and a white feather boa. Mal. When Mal noticed him, he put a finger to his lips and grinned.

Something suddenly grabbed Thorax and hauled him into the air. He squeaked and noticed that Secundus, still with his eyes closed was dancing with him and singing the song to Thorax specifically. When he was done, he planted a quick kiss on the tip of Thorax’s muzzle. He then sat the two of them down.

Thorax chuckled. He forgot that Secundus could suplex him in just about any form. “How come you only have about three settings between suicidal and manic?” Thorax asked with interest.

Secundus shrugged. “Simplicity? I’m really not sure. Try seeing it from inside my head. It’s even worse in there.”

“Hmm. Beautiful day, isn’t it?”

Secundus nodded. “Yeah it really is! Mind you, that’s kind of the point of this place. Believe it or not, it was Mal’s idea to have a place where I could always cheer myself up and reflect. It’s saved me from going off the deep end about twice.”

“Wow. I take back everything bad I said about Mal.”

“Thanks Moosey,” Secundus said, his accent changing slightly. It wasn’t really noticeable the way his voices clashed. Thorax glanced up.

Thorax hadn’t noticed before, but even in human shape, Secundus still had black sclera, and his irises were currently reflective gold. That and the cocky grin gave Thorax a clue. “Don’t call me ‘Moosey,’ only my husband can do that,” he huffed.
Mal put a hand on his chest, looking deeply hurt. “You wound me. I’m part of your husband, surely that counts for something?” Thorax firmly shook his head. Secundus sighed, his eyes switching back to their normal blue. “You’ll get there,” he promised Mal. “It’ll just take a while. I – ayyyeee…” Secundus let out a huge yawn. “Sorry, I just-”

Secundus gave a wide stretch, and then went right on stretching. Thorax had seen Secundus shapeshift before, but a human stretching into an eight-foot noodle Draconequus was an interesting sight. He grew even thinner than he was already, grew fur, and his now much longer neck sprouted yellow fur. His face pushed out into a muzzle and he grew a curved black horn out of his forehead. His new maw was wide open as he continued to yawn, putting the half of his teeth that were very sharp on display. Thorax had been so focused on Secundus’ head that he hadn’t noticed his hands change into paws or his feet morph into a hoof and paw. With a loud ripping sound Secundus’ tails burst through his pants, tearing them to shreds. The reason Thorax found Secundus’ shapeshifting so interesting this time was that it took about two minutes instead of a few seconds. It was pretty slow and leisurely, like it really was a good stretch.

Secundus was still wearing the sweatshirt he had been wearing, but it now only came halfway down his stomach. He glared down at his feet and his glasses fell off. “I really liked those pants,” he grumbled. He pulled the neck of his sweatshirt out and glanced at his chest. “And this shirt. They’re both copies of some old favorites.”

“I have to admit, that was a stretch!” Thorax chuckled.

“Yes, but you don’t have to recreate clothes. Again.”

Thorax grinned. “You only wear clothes on special occasions or other planets these days. Most of the time you’re starkers.”

“It’s a matter of principle,” Secundus huffed.

“Seriously, why do you wear clothes when you’re human shaped? We see everything the rest of the time!”

“Being clothed is kind of built into the human shape. I can’t explain it better than that. Besides, I look a lot better naked as a Draconequus than a human. When I’m a Draconequus I have fur! Can we please talk about something else now?!” Secundus hissed, his ears going flat.

Thorax chuckled. “Sorry. I guess I can try to understand your alien cultural needs.”

Secundus rolled his eyes. His ear rotated back slightly. “Hey Albert,” he said softly.

Albert hesitated before Secundus patted the ground next to him, on the other side from Thorax. He slithered over. “Hey. I heard you two were in here. I’m … glad you’re doing better Dad.”

Secundus smiled. “Me too.”

“Sorry for running out yesterday,” Albert said meekly.

“I would have too. I can’t exactly blame you. You doing any better?”

Albert nodded. “I’ve got growing pains again,” he muttered, rubbing his tail irritably into the ground.

Secundus winced. “Sorry. I swear on what little I hold holy that I didn’t pick your growth rate when we had you. If it had been up to me, you’d have grown at the rate of a pony or even a Changeling, not a half-Draconequus. You up for a hug?”

Albert considered it before he slowly nodded.

Secundus wrapped one of his tails around each member of his family, trying to feed them his love and peace. Thorax and Albert sighed happily. Secundus had very little control over his emotions, but when he did, he was a really good cook. Suddenly his emotions shifted. They were still the same emotions, they just tasted … off.

The two empaths glanced up at Secundus to notice that his eyes were again yellow, and he had the happiest smile they’d seen him with.

“What’s up?” Thorax asked worriedly.

To his shock, Mal was purring so loudly that they could both feel it. “I’m … cuddling with people I love,” Mal said with a slightly dopey smile. “I’ve wanted to do that since Sec was seven. Not having a body has some advantages, but lots of disadvantages too.” He saw their expressions. “What?! You don’t believe I can crave snugs too?”

The two of them laughed as Mal and Secundus had an internal battle for control of the body to see who could get the most cuddles. Thorax said, “It’s funny. I’ve been pretty stressed the past few weeks, you were practically suicidal yesterday, Albert’s having adolescence…”

“WHAT?!” Secundus shouted, both of him snapping out of their squabbling. He turned to Albert and grinned, before giving him a noogie. “My son can’t be having adolescence, he’s not even two yet!”

“DAAAAAAADDDD!!!” Albert whined. He thought about it. “How old am I? I’m not sure from one day to the next.”

Secundus buried his snout in Albert’s fur, inhaling deeply before giving a few sniffs. “Well, chronologically you’re about a year and three quarters, biologically and mentally, you’re … sixteen.” Secundus blinked. “Wow. Sixteen already. Hmm. Well, if I’ve missed a lot of your angst-ridden teenage years, I’ll dadfinitely have to start making some punbearable jokes to make up for lost time.”

Albert sighed wearily. “You shouldn’t take that line of thought any father, Dad. I’ve got a snakeing suspicion that you’re not as punny as you think you are. You’re certainly not hissterical.”

Secundus growled. “I hate to noodle you, but my puns are fangtastic! I don’t want to blow my own horn, but I have a pawsome sense of humor. I’m even better at telling funny tails. I mean, sure, my thoughts can be a bit mix ‘n match, but’s it’s not like my jokes really Dracon. My jokes may sound pretty dad to others, but you’re going to love them at some point, it’s just whether it’s going to be sooner or Vader.”

Albert rolled his eyes. “Well, as everything under the son can tell you, you’re only kidding yourself with these childish jokes. I’m going to have to call a time out if you wind up throwing a hissy fit like a kid. Why don’t you just pick yourself up and toddler off before you embarrass yourself? I’ve heard and teen much funnier people than you, Dad.”

Albert and Secundus bared their fangs at each other and growled and hissed dangerously. The two of them then burst out in insane laughter, rolling around likes strands of spaghetti in a pot as they wheezed for air.

Thorax’s jaw had dropped. “Are you two OK?” he asked, worried they’d lost their minds a bit more than normal.

Since Secundus didn’t technically need to breathe, he nodded. “Yeah. Sorry. We get into pun wars in the wee small hours sometimes. They’re really fun!”

Thorax sighed. Secundus sat back up and pulled the two of them into another hug. “Hey. No matter what happens, you guys know I’ll always love you, right? You’re my first spouse and my firstborn, which makes the two of you pretty special.”

Thorax nodded. He then grinned. “You’re still doing the dishes tonight.”

“Oh, come on! You two don’t even eat!” Secundus protested.

“We are tonight,” Thorax said smugly.

Secundus sighed. “Fine. How about I take us out for Neightalian, and we can let the dishes be somecreature else’s problem?”

Albert and Thorax looked at each other, grinned, and nodded.

Thorax was pulled out of a dream about spending quality time with Spike by a high-pitched whimpering, like a puppy that was in pain. He blearily searched around the bedroom, his eyes taking a second to adjust to the dark. Something almost twice his length thrashed in the bed next to him. He glanced over at Secundus, and saw that he was wriggling around, sweating, and whimpering, a pained expression on his face. He was having a nightmare, which meant – Crap. Thorax had found out the hard way that Secundus could accidentally warp reality while having a nightmare, and it was rarely things he wanted to do. There was only one thing to do.

Thorax put his muzzle right next to Secundus’s ear, took a deep breath and shouted, “SEC!!!” at the top of his lungs, flying to the other end of the room in a flash.

Secundus screamed and sat up, putting a paw on his chest to slow down his heartrates. He glanced around the room. Thorax settled back down on the bed. “You’re ok, I’ve got you, it was just a bad dream…” he said in a tone you’d use to calm a frightened animal with.

“Y-you’re real?” Secundus asked. Thorax nodded. Secundus sighed. “I had a really bad dream. I’d never left earth; I’d just lived my life. That part wasn’t so bad. What scared me was that I knew I was married to you, but our life was just a couple of badly written fanfictions on my computer, and I’d never be able to get back here.” He chuckled. “I mean, if I had never left earth, I wouldn’t think I was married to you, but I knew I had been.”

“That … sounds kind of worse than it did at first. You’d know your whole life, either life, was a lie, right?” Secundus nodded. Thorax chuckled. “Well, thank goodness we’re not fictional characters in a strange story, right?” Before Secundus could reply, a brick dropped out of Nowhere, hitting Thorax right between the horn and antlers before falling on the bed between the two of them. “OW!” Thorax yelled. “WHERE THE-” he caught Secundus’s expression, “did that come from?” he finished lamely.

Secundus picked up the brick and sniffed it before he gave an annoyed growl. “Apparently the fourth wall is in a snarky mood, but just because you literally hit someone over the head with evidence doesn’t mean that they’ll see.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Thorax asked in confusion.

Secundus sighed. “It’s not important, and I’m sure it won’t happen again.” He tossed the brick up into the air where it disappeared. “Now, I would kiss it better, but you don’t have my legendarily thick skull or my healing factor, so odds are you have a concussion. I’m taking you to the hospital.”

Thorax was about to protest, but then he thought better of it. He nodded.

Secundus opened the door to find Albert standing outside with a messenger bag stashed full of sketch pads and drawing supplies. “Papa got hurt, so you’re going to the hospital, right?” Secundus nodded. “Can I come?” Secundus thought about it and nodded again.

“You want to spend the night in an E.R.?” Thorax asked in shock.

Albert shrugged. “I just want to get out of the Hive.”

Thorax chuckled. “Makes sense. Hang on, how did you even know I was hurt?”

“Albert just knows things sometimes,” Secundus replied. He pointed at the bag. “Still designing new species and worlds in your spare time?” Albert grinned and nodded. “You aren’t doing that instead of homework I hope,” Secundus grinned.

“You give more homework than my teachers ever did,” Albert grumbled.

Secundus nodded. “I’m your father, I’m supposed to give you more work.” He stuck his head out the door and whistled. Two of the night guard trotted over.

“Problem?” one of the drones asked.

“Thorax got hurt, I’m taking him to Ponyville General.”

“Can we come with?” the other guard begged with a pleading look. “Nothing ever happens here anymore!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know that protecting my home from monsters would make things boring for the guard,” Secundus said, oozing sarcasm. “Yes, you two can come. Just don’t menace anypony.” The two guards saluted. “Right then!” The five of them headed off.

The morning after the trip to the E.R. Thorax was woken up by a kiss on his forehead. “Ow,” he muttered. “Still sore.” Luckily, he hadn’t been seriously injured.

“Heh. Whenever you’re ready to start the day then,” a voice whispered.

Thorax sat bolt upright, feeling wide awake and mildly terrified. That was a lot like Secundus’s voice, but it had a slightly different accent to it. Thorax glanced around the room. Sitting in a chair and grinning at him was a Draconequus that looked a lot like Secundus, except for the coloration. His mane and goatee were black, and his eyes were a honey gold. Mal. Thorax growled. “Where’s Sec?”

“He’s on business. A universe is ending, he has to go and be a witness. That’s the reason various versions of Death were getting together.”

“What?”

Mal cleared his throat. “It’s not important. Anyway, the point is, he left me in charge of his body, provided that I be on my best behavior. It’s a trial run for Hearths’warming. I swore on my mother’s grave to be a complete gentlestallion.”

“You don’t have a mother,” Thorax growled. Mal shrugged. “Why does Sec have to go see a universe end?”

“Because endings and beginnings are the same thing. Now that there’s a Spirit of Duality, they kind of need that perspective to help things.”

“Ooookkaaayyy … but why leave youhere?”

“It’s a tiny bit easier to not have to regrow a completely new body, and you wouldn’t want to see a universe end while you’ve got nerve endings and pain receptors. Sec can make a new body if he has to by just thinking about it, but he gets attached to the one he currently has, like a favorite t-shirt. He asked me to take care of it for him.”

“I keep meaning to ask, you always look almost exactly like Secundus if you’re both in the same shape, you just look more … uh…”

“Goth?” Mal said with a smirk. “Tell me about it. Poor kid was seven when he decided what I should look like, and he’d thought I was a demon. So … I got mildly demonic features, and a couple of really obvious tells that I’m me. My hair or fur’s always black, I always have eyes that are some shade of yellow, and I’m usually in monochrome. It’s kind of nice to be in color,” Mal said as he admired himself. “Anyway, since I’m supposed to be helping, would you like to take the day off while I do the paperwork? I’d rather not just sit and knit all day.”

“You’d know how to do it?”

Mal nodded. “Yep! Been watching for years. I actually helped Sec perfect his filing system.”

“It’s official royal paperwork, you wouldn’t do anything…?”

Mal shrugged. “Well, after I got the easy stuff out of the way I figured that I’d declare war on Yakyakistan, impose two-hundred percent tariffs on Griffonstone, mail Sombra my plan to help him retake the Crystal Empire by killing off the Armors, and then I’d sue the combined governments of Equestria. I can’t find a decent BLT anywhere!” Mal grinned slyly at Thorax’s horrified expression. “Joke. I’m just going to do the basic stuff.”

Thorax took several Deep Breaths. “You … certainly have Sec’s sense of humor.”

Mal nodded. “Of course. Now go take the day off. You deserve it.”

“You know where the office is?”

Mal rolled his eyes. “What part of ‘I see everything Sec does’ do you not understand? Honestly, you two are like rabbits sometimes.”

Thorax’s eyes widened. “Y-you’ve seen-?”

Mall rolled his eyes again. “Yes. I honestly wish I hadn’t. Now scoot or I’ll start spilling details.” Thorax quickly buzzed out of the room.

About an hour later, Thorax stuck his head into the office. “Hey, I was wondering-” What Mal said next chilled him.

“Oh, I could throw you in the lake, or feed you poisoned birthday cake, I won’t deny I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone. Oh, I could bury you alive, but you might crawl out with a knife and kill me while I’m sleeping; thhhaaaat’ss whyyy – I can’t decide whether you should live or die; Oh you’ll probably go to heaven, please don’t hang your head and cry. No wonder why my heart feels dead inside, It’s cold and hard and petrified; lock the doors and close the blinds, we’re going for a ride!”

Thorax realized that Mal was singing along with a record and not actually threatening to kill him. Songs about plotting murder should not be that sunny and bright! He crept over to the record player. The album sleeve read, “Mal’s Murder Mix.” “Huh. I wonder what-” Thorax turned around and was snout to snout with Mal, who was grinning hugely. “GAAAHHH!” Thorax screamed. He almost slapped Mal. “You and Sec really need to make sound when you move!” he shouted.

Mal winced. “Sorry. Sec used to say he needed a collar with a bell around his neck. Then we grew up and found out that for humans that’s pretty kink-” he cleared his throat, looking nauseous. “What can I do for you?”

“Just checking on you,” Thorax said.

Mal grinned. “I’m done! Sec should be home about-” *BAMF!* “now,” Mal finished as Secundus plopped into the chair.

“Hi Honey, I’m home,” Secundus said in a tired voice.

“How was it?”

“Pretty good, all things considered. I mean, a universe died, but it died peacefully. It’s interesting, when a universe we help dies, Draconequui hold a wake for it. A wake, but not a funeral. We sit up all night and tell our favorite stories about that universe and celebrate all the lives in it. It’s kind of cool.”

Mal cleared his throat, with a wide Cheshire grin.

“Ah. Yes. Of course,” Secundus said. He walked over to the door and stuck his head out. “Hey Albert! Do you want to have lunch with us?

Albert slithered in. “Sure, are we going somewhere?”

Secundus snapped his fingers and the four of them were in the kitchen in Secundus’s realm. He glared at Mal. “You’re lucky I could even find this stuff, I practically had to bribe Griffonstone.”

“Less talking, more cooking!” Mal commanded.

Secundus growled and his horn lit up as ingredients and cutlery began to fly around the room.

“Uh, what’s going on?” Thorax asked.

“Mal and I had a bet, the exact nature of which I decline to comment on, and I lost, so I owe him a meal of his choice, and there’s about only one food he’ll actually eat. Do you even want lettuce and tomato?” he asked Mal. Mal shrugged. “Albert, do you want one?” Albert nodded. Secundus started frying something in a large pan and the smell of cooking meat filled the room.

“What are you making?” Thorax asked, the smell making him slightly nauseous.

“Bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches, B.L.T. for short. They’re Mal’s favorite food, and Albert likes them too. Do you want veggies Albert?” Albert nodded. Secundus toasted eight pieces of bread, and in record time four BLTs were at the table. “Albert, would you mind saying grace?”

Albert nodded. “Grace,” he said before he began to dig in with savage ferocity.

Secundus was the only one taking slow bites. “Dig in!” he told Thorax.

“If you haven’t figured out that I’m a vegetarian after all this time, you clearly don’t know me.”

“Just try it!” Mal said.

“I’m not getting out of this, am I?” Mal shook his head. Thorax grumbled and took a bite out of his sandwich. His eyes widened. He chewed very slowly before he swallowed. In a somewhat shaky voice, he said, “You said you got this from Griffonstone?”

“Yeah, why?” Secundus said.

“I’m writing up a treaty with Griffonstone to get all the bacon,” Thorax said. Mal started to die laughing.

Secundus chuckled. He then looked serious. “Look, I know I say this all the time, but I want you all to know how much I love you.”