//------------------------------// // Diamond Tiara // Story: My Crazy Ex // by 23 KM To Nerdiness //------------------------------// [DAY 117] I'm Deep, earth stallion. I had been dating Diamond Tiara for about four months when I decided to break it off. She was attractive and sweet, but she just flat-out didn't GET me. "Oh, Deep, I've got a surprise for you." Diamond hummed. At all. "You. Look. ADORABLE." she squeed, staring at an ugly, glittery sweater clinging to my body. She meant well and I hated the idea of hurting her. But the longer I waited, the worse it was going to get. So finally, I just ended it. [DAY 124] Or at least I thought I had. A week later, there she was at my front door. "Hi, Deepy." she sighed awkwardly. "I know this is sudden, but I needed to talk to you face-to-face." With a very unusual request. "It's my cousin, Duke. He's getting married here." "And...?" I asked. "I......need you to go to the wedding with me and pretend we never broke up." Apparently, Tiara had already told her whole family about me and she was too embarrassed to show up alone. "I'll be ridiculed by my family! Please, help me out this once?" I should've said no bucking way. But part of me still felt bad about breaking up with her. So instead, I said- "Okay, I'll go." "Oh, thank you, THANK you!" she cheered. Honestly, I figured at worst, I was in for a boring weekend of schmoozing Tiara's relatives from the old country. My mindset was: just get through the next two nights and the wedding on Sunday, then you're home free. What could go wrong? [DAY 128] "Everypony, this is Deep." Tiara chimed. It was a sea of snooty relatives kissing me, greeting me like I was a celebrity or something. And I couldn't understand a word anypony was saying with their complicated vocabulary. That's when I met Tiara's father. "This is daddy." Diamond giggled. "It's a pleasure to meet you- SIR!" I grunted before the guy wrapped his arm around mine tightly without uttering a word. "T-That's quite a grip you got there." It was like shaking hooves with a grizzly bear. Just when I was feeling about as uncomfortable and out of place as a pony can feel- "Deep, how's it going!" I met the groom. "Thank you for coming, my brother!" Duke chortled before pulling me into a hug. "Ha, you're speaking my language." I chuckled. He seemed like a really nice guy. And it was a relief to meet somebody I could understand. I started thinking, okay, maybe if I stick with Duke, he'll be able to get me through this ridiculous experience. We were just having a drink and joking around. Until I spotted it. "That's an......interesting tattoo on your hoof there, Duke." I uttered. "This?" he asked. "It's just a symbol of a club I belong to back in Trottingham." "What kinda club?" "......like a social club." Then I noticed that all the stallions in Tiara's family, including her father, had the same tattoo as Duke. "So, uh, what do you do?" "I work for the government....and a few other things. Mainly with my cousins over there, Chump Change and Bill. I've been a big shot in the government for many years." "What did you do for the government?" ".......can't say." The more we talked, the more it sounded like Tiara's family might have some connections to the criminal underworld. After that strange conversation with Duke, I was suddenly concerned about what might happen if anypony found out I wasn't dating Diamond Tiara anymore. Later that night, I tried to get more info about her family. "So, Tiara," I said. "Duke told me he and your dad work for the government." "Duke talks too much sometimes." she shrugs. "But what did he mean by that?" "I don't feel like talking about what my family does." For the record, a pony gets WAY scarier when no one will tell you what they do for a living. Especially when you've broken up with that pony's daughter. "So.....once the weekend is over and we are no longer a couple, what's your plan for getting out of this?" "I'll just say......it wasn't working." Tiara nods. "It's a real shame though. My family already likes you alot. They're going to be very disappointed." Tiara HAD to have known that I wasn't going to get back together with her, so why was she being so manipulative? And what was actually going on with her folks? [DAY 129] The next morning, I went on a run to clear my head, reminding myself that I only had one day to go. "Deepy, there you are." Tiara said, trotting up to me with Duke. But that last day... "What is it, is there a problem?" I asked. "BIG problem." Duke sighed. Was gonna be a long one. "Penny Pincher, my best stallion is in the hospital." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." "But, with no best stallion, I was hoping you'd fill in for him, Deep." "Me?" I barely knew Duke, but saying no didn't really seem like an option. "Sure." I uttered. "Deep, you're the BEST!" Duke laughed. It just seemed like the less I wanted to do with Tiara and her family, the more they kept pulling me in. Believe it or not, the bachelor party ended up being kind of a blast. I figured, just get me through to the end of the night and the ceremony tomorrow without anything else weird happening. "Hey, Deep, having a good time?" Duke asked. "The best." I slurred. "Glad to hear it, cuz I have a favor to ask you." No such luck. "O-Okay, what is it?" "I have a package I need to give you. Need to get it to some ponies, VERY important ponies, Deep. Must stay top secret, get me?" If I hadn't been so drunk, who knows what I would've said? But I was. "Sure." I chuckled. "Anything for my boy, Duke." "That's what I like to hear!" And once I agreed to help Duke, it was like some kinda signal to Daddy Rich, who just pats me on the back with a hearty chuckle before leaving. "You just got the PAT." Duke gasped. "W-What does that mean?" "It means you're one of us now. That's an invitation for which the only answer is yes." I had half a bottle of cider in me when a country stallion, who I assumed had killed guys before, invited me into his family... What would you have said? To this day, I still don't remember a THING that happened after that. [DAY 130] The next morning, I woke up with the WORST hangover of my life. I was totally out of it. Until I saw my hoof. "......oh no." I was branded with the same tattoo the rest of Tiara's family had. I felt like I was in WAY over my head. I've just been RECRUITED. Just as I was trying to figure out how I was going to get myself out of this mess- KNOCK KNOCK!!! Duke showed up. "Deep, you're not ready yet?" he asked. "U-Uh, I'm just, uh, getting dressed. I'll meet you downstairs." "Oh, I'll wait here for you. We'll walk down together." Part of me wanted to make a run for it, but I was terrified about what they would do to me if I got caught. So there I was, standing at the alter, the best stallion of a criminal mastermind, not knowing if I should be more worried about being coltnapped or the FBI storming into that wedding. Suddenly... "It's better this way, Deep." Duke uttered. "Don't fight it." Duke pushed me into his spot. There, I found myself staring at Diamond Tiara. In a wedding gown. Turns out, it wasn't Duke's wedding after all. It was MINE. "No!" I shouted. "I will not spy for you, do you understand me?" "What are you talking about?" the priest asked. "This whole family's a criminal empire!" "Diamond Tiara's family owns a trendy clothing store in Trottingham. Where'd this whole spy mumbo jumbo come from?" Tiara's family weren't criminals. That 'social club' Duke mentioned? That was actually the REAL family business. Filthy Rich owned a clothing company in Trottingham. That sweater Tiara bought for me was actually one of his. And those tattoos on every stallion? Those were just the company logo. Tiara just WANTED me to think her family was extremely dangerous so I would be too afraid not to marry her. She asked her cousin, Duke, to help with the plan. And Duke played the part perfectly. I ran out of there as fast as my hungover brain could let me manage, and I never looked back. "Deepy?" Tiara gasped. "You can't leave! Deepy, I promise we can make this work! I'd make a GREAT wife!" Diamond Tiara moved to Trottingham to work in the family business. She's now in charge of the lingerie line. Deep moved to an undisclosed location... Just to be safe.