Dear Princess Sunbutt

by 2Merr


Letter 73

Hey Celestia,

I've finally come to accept that the natural laws which govern our universe are completely and utterly arbitrary whenever Pinkie Pie is involved.

Magic on its own is already a fat middle finger to physics, Friendship Magic™ is an even bigger middle finger to normal magic, but Pinkie Pie? Pinkie Pie is like God himself took a massive pink shit on the very concept of logic. (Minus the shit part, of course. Pinkie’s pretty k.)

I think I can empathize with Twilight a little better now. I know you told her to give up on understanding pink energy, but I thought you were only saying that because she was being more crazy than usual. But no, she had every single right to take a dip in the crazy lake and swim as long as she wanted. I feel like I’m going crazy myself. 

The saddest part is I’m not even trying to understand it. I haven’t tried studying it or even thinking too hard about it. Hell, I’ve been trying to ignore it! But it’s impossible to ignore something when it’s buttfucking your entire perception of reality right in front of your face. And not the fun kind of buttfucking, either. It's the uncomfortable kind; the kind where you can tell neither person is enjoying it, but they just started, so it would be awkward to stop, and it was supposed to be a special thing for their anniversary, but it turned out awful, and you’re forced to watch the whole time because they get off to that kinda stuff, and they both keep giving you weird looks like it’s your responsibility to put a stop to it, and then their kids walk in because they wanted to introduce their new friend from school and they start crying because they have no idea what’s going on, so you try to leave before remembering you’re a quadriplegic, and then the police storm in because someone called in a bomb threat, and your wheelchair gets knocked over and you fall on top of one of the kids, and they start screaming because you’re too heavy, and then one of the police later posts the body cam footage to the internet because he thought it was funny, and then years later you have to sit in a courtroom and watch the footage again because you and the couple were accused of a crime and the body cam footage was the only hard alibi they had.

That kind of buttfucking. It’s not fun.

I don’t want to deal with it anymore. I’m taking all the liquor I have, grabbing Sweetie Belle, and sitting in my corner until the world makes sense again.

Anon