Hospitality
17th? Whatever, I don’t care anymore.
I don’t like people. I really don’t like people. In fact, I have nothing but seething contempt for everyone I know. Most of the time I keep this inside of me, buried under a lifetime of shyness, awkward social skills, and a jovial, mirth-like outward social mask. Most of the time this works with the heathens I call my teachers, my colleagues, and my family. It even has me fooled some of the time.
Other times, however, this guise isn’t enough. Some people are immune to the charms of my coy, cheesy personality. This only makes me try harder, of course. Either out of them finding out about the real me, or me finding out who I really am, but sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I just can’t connect with someone.
Okay, so he popped out of the closet. I popped out of the mirror, so I win. Alright, I will give him bonus points for the costume, the music, and the obvious innuendo, but thats it! Then again, he does looks confused, so this probably wasn’t on purpose.
Everyone looks pretty skived. God, it’s like someone just died in here. John is just gaping about like a gutted trout. Was I like this when I met discord? I hope not.
~You totally were. Just like a pansy.~
Oh crap, what if he gets naked thinking that this is all a dream? I frantically whisper at John. “He’s real.”
Discord looks at me and gives his snarky comment. “Oh, hi Ashton! A bit tied up are we?” Oh hey, one of the girls are sneaking up behind him. Jane?
~No, Sybil. My god, Ashton, make an effort to remember names next time!~
What is she doing with that lamp?
~Mood lighting, of course. Dipstick.~
She swings it down. Hard. Squeak! And there’s the crazy. So he turned the lamp to a squeak toy, big woop. He’s probably running low on crazy juice. I mean, what happened the last time this kind of thing happened? Nothing! That’s what. Oh sure, there were a few impossible anomalies caused by his power surges, such as melting a door like hot butter, or turning a punk into a harmless kitten, but that is the extent of his power so far. And it took him a week to get enough juice to cause just that!
~What about those fluffy pon-~
YEP HE CERTAINLY CAN’T DO MUCH ELSE! NOT A DAMN THING.
~Awww, you’re so adorable when you’re in complete denial.~
Discord stares Sybil into cowardly submission. Oh hey, she hunts deer. Thats neat. I hear John scrabbling up the wall, his entire attention focused on Discord. Guess he’s still tripping out. His knees knock together like a swooning school girl. He starts stammering.
“L-look, w-we don’t want any trouble.” Oh. My. God.
~There is no helping this idiot.~
I... I don’t even know what to say about that. This guy is so screwed, regardless of what actually happens. I just shake my head at his stupidity. He gives a quick look back at me, and my disappointed face.
Discord continues to maneuver around about the room as Jane starts stammering as well.
“Get... girls... out.”
John replies, still scared out of his wits of the man who is currently sniffing the bed sheets. Damn, what kind of pizza is that? Be calm, my churning stomach. The prize shall be yours soon. Oh wait, John just said something. Probably wasn’t important.
The CMC dash up to Discord, who was now staring at the shelves pensively. “Why are there so many things on this shelf?” He says, ignoring the adorable girls and everything else in the room. He yanks one of the drawers open and pulls out a shirt. “Darn, I’ll just keep it warm in these reverse fridge things.” Dear raptor Celestia! Don’t! He just... he wrapped that marvelous pizza in a shirt! Why? Why?!
“Bu-but... pizza!” I cry out, my heart (or is it my stomach?) temporarily being torn to pieces.
Scoots tugs on Discord’s red vest. Discord looks down and addresses the cute girl with a bored, “Hmm?”
Oh, this is going to be good. Well, at least the worst he could do would be screwing with their heads.
“So, Disharmony, do you know why you’re here?”
“How come you’re not a statue here?”
“Why do we all have weird hoof things?”
Oh great, questions. Discord is probably going to break their fragile little minds
“Yes, because, and whatever.” His answers spill out smoothly like fine china.
~That is a retarded analogy~
It sounded a bit like... a knee jerk reaction.
I take a quick look around the room. Everyone but Discord, the CMC and I were scared stiff, besides the jittering that usually accompanies extreme terror. These guys are still hopeless then, but those adorable girls have given me an idea.
~Bore him to death with inane questions?~
Something like that. Gotta get out of these zip ties. This is going to be hell on my teeth, but I don’t really have a choice now, do I? “Hey, Discord, suppose my next sentence is false. Yet, this sentence is true.”
Discord blinks. He raises his foot, scratching his stomach nonchalantly. “Well, I do suppose bananas are a good source of potassium.”
Well that didn’t work. Not that I expected it would. It would take much more then a simple paradox like that to distract Discord, much less blow his mind. However, when did he find out that Earth had bananas? Probably over analyzing this but-
~You are.~
Yeah, he is probably just trying to be random. Next test! God do I feel sciencey. “Okay then. So 3.41 x 1,3019234 / 12,347 x 8 + 13 - 1,804,351 x 235 - 135,425 x 2,105 + 1 - 1,243,818,723,847 equ-”
“68,935,013,828,483,769,314,151,163,591,716.” Discord answers. Well... I don’t know if that’s right, nor do I really care. My plan isn’t really working so far, but screw it. What do I have to lose anyway? Wait, he’s still saying something. “Really Ashton, go a little non-euclidean sometimes. It’s fun!”
Yeah... so logical questions are out. Maybe I should focus on escaping. The zip ties around my leg are going to be tougher to get out of. Just need to reeeeeaaach. My back gives a satisfying pop. Oh yeah, that’s goood. Alright so how does this go again? Right or left, but never in-between?
~I’m your subconscious and even I don’t know what the hell you’re thinking about.~
Yeah, I’m probably not going to slip out without dislocating something. I tug at the zip tie. It tightens further. Actually, I don’t think I could do this even if I di-
~DEAR LORD FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP RAMBLING! You are fucking impossible!~ My other voice screams.
Wait... impossible? Eureka! I feel a smile coming on. This might just work. ”How is a raven like a writer’s desk?”
~And the point of that was?~ Other me asked with condescending curiosity.
Well it’s a question without an answer. Its not a logical paradox, and if I am right he wi- Wait... I’m thinking to myself again... nice try, self, but I’m not that crazy!
~Yet you still talk... and talk... and talk.~
Discord hasn’t said anything yet. He is just staring into space. Do I look like that when I talk-think-whatever to you?
~Probably.~
He opens his mouth to say something. Then he closes it. Then he opens it. Discord could probably make a kick ass singing fish toy. Wait... he’s stumped on the question? He starts saying something, but he stops just before finishing a single syllable. Not stumped then, more like its on the tip of his tongue. Whatever, the question still doesn’t have a real answer.
Unless of course, you’re Discord. More likely than not you would still find an answer. An answer not meant for human ears. I plunge my thumbs into my ears, relishing the sound of blissful silence. I can still see his mouth moving. Thank God I can’t lip read. Wait, does that even matter? Better safe than sorry. Just gotta close my eyes and go to my happy place.
Look at all the soft pretty bunnies, bouncing up and down. Look at all the colorful flowers in the meadow. So peaceful. So serene. Oh and what’s this? It’s really fluffy. Dear lord, is it fluffy! “Enf Enf Enf!” Kill it with fire!
I jerk my eyes open. Fuck the happy place. Discord is still standing there, slack-jawed, trying to determine the answer. Everyone in the room had fled, leaving me behind with this ticking time bomb.
If he hasn’t found out the answer by now, he never will. “Hey Discord.” I yell, hopefully loud enough to get his attention. “Mind helping me out?” I wiggle my bound legs.
He looks at me, snapping out of his trance. “Hmm?” He looks down at the zip tie keeping my feet together. “Oh! Well, lucky for you, a Colt Scout is always prepared!” He pulls out a swiss army knife composed mainly of what looks to be pure rust. I think I’m getting tetanus just looking at it. He gazes upon it with a smile of pure nostalgia. “Ah, it brings back so many memories.”
Say something! Anything! Just don’t let him- He plunges the knife between my feet, not even bothering to go through the motions of completely unfolding it, or looking where he was stabbing for that matter. “Crispy bananas!” I holler. Wait... crispy bananas? What am I, an Irish hipster?
I jump off the bed and put as much distance between myself and Discord, with his instrument of pure madness. The horror! The horror!
~It’s just an old swiss army knife, damn it.~
Too scared to look, but I must. Oh sweet pasta, the blood! Wait, no, that’s just bits of rust. For such a shitty knife, it sure gave a clean cut.
“Now, what do we say?” Discord says expectantly.
I look at him, then at the knife, then back at him. “No sharp implements!” I smack the sharp malevolent rust ball out of his hand. I couldn’t repress the shudder I got from making skin contact with that... thing.
“That wasn’t nice.” Discord muttered with a pout as the knife winked out of existence. Hopefully, wherever it is, it’s suffering.
“Well, now that we’re alone, mind telling me where the hell we are?” I ask, slightly irritated.
“Here of course!” He gestures around.
I groan. “Okay, do you know why we’re here?”
“Because.”
I can accept that. I shrug and walk over to the drawers where, last I checked, Discord had stuffed a pizza in. Surprisingly, it wasn’t replaced by the usual weird shit. It was just the pizza on top of a- Oh my god, is that a Pinkie Pie shirt?! Hells yeah! I tear off my measly Trixie shirt with gusto and quickly poke my head through the magnificent specimen of cottonerying. Kind of tight, but I can dig it.
Wait... did I ever tell Discord about the show? Ohhhhh shit! Change the subject! CHANGE IT! “Uh... what kind of pizza did you get?” I ask, using the first bit of small talk that came to mind. This pizza smells kind of good, actually. Like teriyaki and lobster. I’m sure a small bite wouldn’t hurt...
Mmmm, not bad. Not bad at all. Kinda slides down the throat.
“Shoggoth!” He says proudly. And now I am going to pretend I never heard that. This pizza is awesome! I wonder if they have any Coke around here.
“Wasn’t this pizza supposed to come with a drink?” I ask, clutching the pizza box to my chest to cover the picture of Pinkie Pie on my chest.
He snaps his fingers, a look of realization on his face. Crap, he found the answer! I plug my ears with my thumbs again.
“I thought I was forgetting something!” He says tonelessly. He walks back to the closet and turns to look at me. “Well, Ashton? Are you not coming?”
I know it’s stupid for me to say this but, “Where? Into the closet?” It’s going to be bigger on the inside. It’s going to be bigger on the inside. It’s going to be bigger on the inside. Alright, now that I’ve gotten it out of my system. “Fine.” I walk up to the door and take a deep breath. I open the door.
~The suspense is killing you, hurry up.~
Son of a bitch. It’s smaller on the inside. It’s just a small box, suspended in nothing. In something less than nothing. In this box surrounded by the less-than-nothing, was a can of Coke. A gloriously cold can of caffeine-y goodness. Must... resist...! Nooooo! My hand betrays me, and I grab the ominous floating beverage.
As soon as I grabbed the can, I was blinded by a bright light. This is kinda cliche isn’t it? I bet it’s going to teleport me or some shi- The can of coke is slurping me up. The massive amount of irony must be acting as an anesthetic.
NOPE! Here comes the pain! OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD THERE GOES MY ARM OUCH OUCH ouch PAIN. WHY am I not dead yet?! This is why we can’t have nice- Oh hey I’m whole again.
Why am I outside? HAVE I FALLEN INTO THE TWILIGHT ZONE?! That would make so much sense. Well, at least more sense than usual. Lets check if I’ve been dead the whole time. I put my fingers on my neck to feel my pulse. I don’t feel a damn thing. Seriously? This is some bullshit! My fingers must be numb. Wait... Where are my fingers? Where is my hand? The only familiar thing I see is... the DEVIL COKE CAN! Throw it, throw it, throw it!
~Jesus, shut the hell up and calm down.~
Crazy voice is right, need to calm down and relax. Oh hey, it’s John. And everyone else who abandoned me. I look John over, might as well while I’m a ghost.. That’s a pretty sore-looking bruise isn’t it? I wonder. I poke it with a non-existent hand. He grimaces in pain. Neat! Ghosts can cause pain! Euuaaggghh, hey! Quit moving through me!
“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to do that!” Great Scott! She has the sight! Retreat! She falls backward onto the grass. “You were just kinda crushing me.” Oh, she was talking to John.
“It’s fine.” He says stoically. “I’m just glad we made it out.” And left me behind to become a ghost. I am SO haunting you. I take a drink of my Coke.
~Isn’t that the same Coke that sucked you up?~
I feel a weight in my gut, and suddenly my vision is blocked. Oh god, I’m blind! I try to wipe away whatever is blocking my face with my hand. Oh wait, it’s my hand! I’ve been face-palming the whole time, haven’t I? I look down at John, who was resting on a tree. He was still out of breath. What a flighty broad. “Wow, you’re kind of a pansy aren’t you?” I say.
It takes a second for him to register me. Just enough time to sneak in a slurp of Coke and a bite of pizza. The Coke was surprisingly tasty, and I am glad the pizza crossed over with me... wherever it was I went anyway. He screams, “You!”
“Me!” I holler back. Yes, me, the one who you abandoned with Discord, who would probably not have done anything to me. Although he admittedly did trick me into being drunk by a can of Coke. Though I kinda walked into it, to be honest.
He moves between me and everyone else. Oh! So they think I’m the bad guy? Jerks! “You with him?!” Says the mono syllable caveman.
I shrug. It was actually a good question. Am I with Discord? The man who has so far been responsible for most of my worldly possessions burning to ash, my father thinking I am gay, my computer being impaled, and me getting hit in the head by a shower stand. Then again, this whole ‘adventure’ has indeed been interesting. “Mostly along for the ride.” I look at how disheveled he is. “Guess you could say we are in the same boat.”
He squints at me. Huh, guess he isn’t that empathetic to my plight. His loss. No, no, I’ll give him another chance to make amends. “Well, I know a lot, obviously.” Smile, smile, be friendly, eye contact, jovial attitude. “But I suppose you are talking about all these humanized ponies and such, right?”
“Yes!” they all shout at me, except for Sybil, who is still sitting and shaking. They’re really loud!
I wave my arms around. That’s the polite universal sign for shut the hell up isn’t it? “Okay! Okay!” I’m getting such a freaking headache. “Sheesh, fine, so you probably guessed by now that Discord is basically responsible for all this.” Just gotta be frank with them, I guess.
“I had my suspicions, but I didn’t know.” He says.
The girls look up at me. Sweetie pleads, ”Do ya know how to get us home?”
“Or why we’re here?” Apple bloom says with a look that makes me want to hug her and tell her everything is going to be alright.
These people actually care what happens. Why have I just realized this?! I am so dense! I don’t have it nearly as bad as these guys! It’s getting harder to smile.”Uh... well... er...” Think of something, damn it! “Nope.” Sweet mercy, I think I may have broken Scootaloo. Wait... I think she was always the derpy looking one right? In comparison, anyway. “Discord probably doesn’t have enough juice to get to Equestria.” I relish a gulp from my Coke. Wait, I should give them some hope shouldn’t I? “I think.” That’ll do.
“D-does that mean he’s got no powers here?” Jane asks anxiously.
Why do people keep asking these stupid questions? I mean, come on! “Oh, gee, let me think,” I scratch my head, really piling on the sarcasm. I snap my fingers. “I popped out of John’s mirror here, and he popped out of the closet.” I stop the sarcasm and become frank with them. “What do you think? He’s slowly getting his powers back.”
They begin to despair, John slamming his fist and yelling at the heavens like some horrible B-rated revenge flick actor at the end of scene one.
“Want some pizza?” I offer. They could probably use a slice.
John leers at me angrily. “Look... whatever your name is,” At least I remembered your name, douche. “This is bad, really bad. What can he do?”
Hmmm... what can he not do is the real question. So far there isn’t a single consistency in his abilities that I can really track. “Oh, well it var-” A scream pierces the air. Hmmm, that happened later than I thought it would.
I know I’m going to be assailed by some weird freakish impossible anomaly as soon as I turn around, but there isn’t really a thing I could do about it is there?
~Nope.~
I sigh and turn around. Oh... hello there, towel lady. Teehee. Wait, the ground is all pink and stuff. No, wait! It’s gum! Best crazy thing to happen so far! I wonder where Discord is any wa-
“Hmmm, how is a raven like a writer’s desk?” Discord said to himself. Is he still hung up on that?
John scrambles and screams, “Run!” holding Applebloom in his arms. Sybil doesn’t get up. John gives up trying to snap her out of her fear funk and just drags her behind him.
I sigh and facepalm for the- what is it now? Umpteenth time? “What a bunch of wussies...” I mutter under my breath.
“Tsk tsk tsk. This happens all the time. It’s a good thing that I know exactly how to deal with spoilsports like these.” He pulls out a small black box with a red button. That can’t be good.
“Don’t press the bu-” I try to blurt out as I run toward Discord to smack the latest item of insanity from his grip. Too little, too late. Three chimes emanate from the box. Woah, what happened to my depth perception?! Everything is so... flat! “Wh-” My voice is cut short as everything becomes flatter and flatter until my world looked like a minimalist painting. A tall, light-yellow, crooked stick grabs my pink and black rectangle and jumps forward.
Suddenly everything explodes into detail once again. Damn, that was weird! I mean, I don’t think I will look at shitty pixelated art the same way ever again. Wait, where the hell am I this time? I am getting sick of this teleporting shit! Damn! Its like every other paragraph I’m jumping into a new scene! Wait, what? I mean, It’s like every other hour I’m in an entirely different place!
Okay... deep breaths... now, I think I should avoid Discord for a lit-
“Got any threes?” Where I am finally registers in my head.
~You’re in hell?~
No, it appears I am in a cafeteria playing go fish with the spirit of disharmony.
~So, hell, basically?~
I guess so. I look at my cards. Nothing but threes. I clench my jaw to focus, still a bit dazed from whatever the hell just happened. Screw this, you ain’t taking none of my threes, you sheep slut!
~Dude~
Oh yeah, that actually means something to mlp characters?
~Probably not, but do you want to chance it?~
Fine! Whatever, still cheating like a bauss. “Go fish.”
I hear frantic footsteps behind me. I crane my neck back to see what all the commotion is. Meh, its just John about to fall down a flight of stairs. Wait! John is about to fall down a flight of stairs! Hey! This means I might be able to help him chill the balls out and have an actual conversation with him! As long as I reach him before he falls, though.
I jump to my feet and kick away the chair as I make a mad dash for John. I barely manage to grab his arm. “Oi, you better be more careful, Johnny boy. You might break an arm or something,” I pull him and Scootaloo up.
“T-thanks.” they both quietly say. YES! Lavish me with praise you fools! HAHAHAHA!
“Thank goodness!” Applebloom cries.
“You almost fell again!” Sweetie sobs.
The wonderfully d'aww moment is interrupted by one of the most horrific sounds my ears have ever had the misfortune to hear. I bet that was Discord. “No... It’s not that,” Discord mutters to himself. Score one for the A-dog!
…
Minus 15 for the “A-dog”...
Oh no! The guys look like they are about to bolt in terror again. “We need to move.” He said urgently.
Great! Gotta diffuse the situation. “You are totally blowing the whole ‘god of chaos’ thing out of proportion! Discord is as harmless as a fly!” Oh sure he causes chaos, but he doesn’t purposely do any da- What is that ungodly buzzing? I turn around to see a giant revolting fly. Not cool Discord! I hate bugs! Although the looks of terror dawning on the dumbasses who stayed behind to capture this moment on YouTube are just delightful! I turn back to them and cross my arms. “I still stand by my point!”
John bugs out. Oh god that was punful. He flies- Damn it. He panics, shouting, “We need to get out of here now! How do you distract him!?”
“Nah, he’s running on fumes as we speak. That fly was probably the last of it.” I am 100% sure.
Apple Bloom anxiously states, ”If those are fumes, Ah don’t wanna see more of them. Regular horse flies are bad enough.”
I hear the fly behind me drop dead. My smile becomes genuine. “See?” Wait... Do I hear rubber rubbing against rubber? I turn to see the fly turning into an abomination of classical cinema. A winged monkey. Okay. So I am around 90% sure that he’s running on fumes. I give a small, awkward cough.
Jane grabs John’s arm “J-John that’s...”
“The w-wicked witch’s pet. I know. Get Sweetie and let’s move!” What is with these guys and stuttering? He looks at Sybil, who looks kinda better since the last time I saw her. “You back with us?” She nods.
“Good! Cause we need to get out fast!” John starts to turn toward the stairs when Discord suddenly gets up.
“Got it!” Discord snaps his finger. Then he began to swell like a water balloon. He starts to look uncertain. “Oh dear.”
SOUND! OUCH! EARS!
That was really loud. Did he just... explode?! No, he’s still in one piece. Unlike John, probably. I didn’t really care to find out what happened to him. My patience with him has been spread thin enough. You can only offer an olive branch so many times. Okay, so if he didn’t explode... and that was sound.... he just did a Dragon Shout! Oh my God! Is he a Dovahkiin?
Now that... is just hilarious. I don’t even try to stop myself from laughing at such a silly idea. Discord starts to laugh with me, though probably not at what I am laughing about. I think. However, I am not laughing so hard that I couldn’t hear those 4 horrifying words. “Cutie Mark Crusaders, charge!” Screw this shit! I high-tail it a safe distance from Discord. Discord didn’t take the hint however. It was like watching a car wreck in slow motion, except much more awesome.
Sweetie ninja grabbed his face while Apple Bloom got in position, right at the danger zone. She gets on all fours and squints her eyes at Discord. Her two legs shot out from under her, and like a cat burglar, went straight for the family jewels. Oh man, Apple Bloom has become my favorite pony. Discord is just laying there like a sack of potatos, convulsing and writhing on the floor like a baby.
“You’re sure our sisters had to use super weapons on him?” Sweetie asked confused.
“Maybe hum-manes just have weaker under bellies.” She guessed.
I couldn’t hold it in anymore. He got bucked in the nuts! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh crap, she’s looking at me.
“Yah better stay away!” She stomped her foot to the ground.
I facepalm. “Listen kiddo,” She is such a kid. “shouldn’t you be more worried about ‘Mr.’ John than me? I’m not the one who fell down all those stairs.”
“Ah...” Oh shit we got a bad ass over here. Thank goodness Sweetie was there to to prevent AppleBloom from starting anything. Someone could have got hurt!
~You, right?~
Noooo.... yeah.
“He’s right,” Sweetie said. She looks at Discord who is still squirming on the ground
Apple Bloom gives me the stink eye before turning and saying, “You’re right.”
This whole day could have gone much better if they had just decided to believe that I was Trixie. May as well say goodbye. “Tell him I hope he gets well soon, and sorry we couldn’t meet under better circumstances!”
I watch as Apple Bloom and Sweetie walk down the stairs until they were well out of sight. I look down at Discord. Poor, poor, pitiful Discord. What in the hell am I going to do with you? I sigh, grab his foot and start to drag him around. It’s going to be a looong trip.
*0*0*
Owwwwww~! Why did I ever miss pain when I was in that statue?! It’s horrible! It’s awful! Those brats will get theirs! Well, at least this wonderful floor is so smooth and cool... I do however have a complaint about my chauffeur. Ouch! New pain!
“Get up, Discord.” Mr. Wizard commands. I groan louder. “Now, you have been laying down long enough. It’s time to get a car.” What’s a car? Oh yes, those peculiar metal boxes on wheels. Doesn’t sound like much fun to me... But, I suppose I must humor the lad.
“Fine! I’m getting up.” Oh, thats a new feeling. Soreness, I believe. I hear Ashton gasp. I open one of my eyes. What a fat car-box-thing. What are those, letters? T-E-O-I-S T-A-C-O.
What in equestria is a ‘Taco?’
“Its unlocked!” Ashton shouts out victoriously. “And the keys are still in here! Haha! Things are finally looking up! I also think I am getting a hang of your little fluxes, so good luck surprising me again!”
WHAT? I slowly get up and stare at the arrogant child. “Oh... so you are getting a ‘hang’ of it then?” He nods foolishly. “Getting a grasp of chaos huh?”
“Uh... yes?”
I appear behind Ashton. “Listen here you little whelp, you don’t ‘get’ chaos. It appears to me that you need a lesson in just what chaos is.”
He gulps loudly and begins shaking his head. “How do you suppose you do that without your powers? I know that you’re out of your crazy juice, so quit bluffing.”
I laugh lightly. “I haven’t been this irritated in quite a while, Ashton. Arrogance doesn’t suit you, mongrel.” My laugh reaches a marvelous crescendo as Ashton disappears into a pile of ash and off to who knows where. Wait... how does one use a car? “Whoops.”