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// Burger Princess Shack part 1 
// Story: Kitchen Nightmares: Equestrian Misadventures 
// by Spettro138 
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That afternoon after arriving back to Ponyville from Griffonstone, Twilight permitted Goldie and Gilda to stay in the castle guest rooms until Rainbow and Rarity can properly prepare build rooms for each respective griffon. Gilda was a little too thrilled about the idea of staying in a castle practically made entirely out of shiny objects. Rainbow spent the better half of the afternoon chasing her around the castle, trying to keep her from stealing any of Twilight's appliances. In one extreme case, Gilda even tried stealing the memory gems off of the Golden Oaks Root Chandelier in their Throne Room. Goldie provided an odd calming device for Gilda in the form of a ball of yarn soaked in steak sauce. 

Twilight meanwhile took both Gordon and Goldie on a proper tour of the castle. Going through each of the main hallways, her endless library wing, her large kitchen, the throne room, her indoor swimming pool, and even a royal study that she had not previously discovered up until that point. A few of Gordon's cameramen who were still awake after arriving back were filming every inch of the castle, making sure that everyone back on Earth could have a chance to see it.

By the time that the day had come to a close, Gordon was quite tired but he committed to making dinner for the gang to celebrate their success in Griffonstone. He helped Twilight and Spike make a sizable feast for everyone staying at the castle. Rainbow Dash decided to spend the night at the castle to help Gilda with the transition to living in Ponyville. Gilda tried to protest, but Rainbow Dash wouldn't take no for an answer. She had become very protective of the griffon ever since she had seen what went on at Greta's Bakery.

Twilight, Gilda, and Spike spent every moment in the kitchen watching Gordon and learning as much as they could from his every action. The lavender alicorn in particular felt ecstatic to have a worthy teacher once again, even if it was in a unique niche. She always had her trusty notebooks with her to document everything. Each of them was organized by color, subject, and relevance to the topics she was learning. 

"What kinds of dish did you want to make tonight Gordon?" she asked excitedly. "Cooking is surprisingly fascinating! Especially the way you do it. "

"There is more than just eating you know," Gordon said matter of factly. "Cooking is math, chemistry, and physics as well. Everything has a reaction depending on what you add."

"Wow, I never thought about it like that."

"Well, you do tend to measure a lot when you're cooking," Gilda affirmed.

"You just want to stuff your face," Spike snarked at the mare. 

Twilight batted at one of Spike's spines in humorous annoyance.

"I figured tonight, we can try something a little familiar to Las Vegas. Mexican food." Gordon replied.

"What's Mexican food?" Gilda asked. "And what the heck is Mexican?"

"Mexico my darling, is a country south of the United States. A beautiful mix of desserts, jungles, open fields, tiny mountain ranges and warm coastlines. Their food specializes in the use of processed corn and hot peppers in their cuisine. I believe your pink friend already knows how to make one Mexican dish. The classic chimichanga. Though, I'm still not entirely certain why ponies have their own versions of burgers and tacos here."

"Oh yeah," Gilda replied in confirmation. That cherry changa thing of hers. Pink has always been a little bit out there, but I never thought she knew about you humans before we did."

"She didn't" Spike added. "Its just--"

"Pinkie being Pinkie," Twilight and Spike said in unison.

Gordon grabbed two large frying pans and set them on the stove. He then poured a small amount of oil into each pan and turned on the stove, looking slightly satisfied when it sparked to life.

"First thing we have got to do is get those pans nice and hot," he instructed as the group watched him. "Twilight my dear, hand me some of your salmon would you?"

Nodding, Twilight ignited her horn and opened the nearby freezer, levitating a case of cleaned fish fillets on to the counter next to him.

"That's a lot of fish," Rainbow said jokingly.

Some of the humans in the room groaned in annoyance while the ponies just looked at them in confusion.

"What?" 

"Don't fucking ask," Gordon groaned. "A fucking stupid line from a bad movie."

"Well, Spike is a great fisher pony," Twilight replied. 

"These will do quite nicely actually. Thank you Twilight."

Gordon carefully pulled the lid off of the container and pulled six medium sized fillets out, setting them on a wooden board.

"All of that flavor in that fresh flaky meat. We start with adding freshly grounded salt and pepper." he continued.

Taking nearby salt and pepper grinders, he cranked them and watched small shining crystals of salt and robust black specks of cracked pepper fall on to each of the fillets.

Lifting the pan up, he moved the oil around and plopped the fillets into the pan away from him.

"Always try to place the meat in the pan away from you so you don't splatter yourself. Give the pan a couple of shakes to keep the meat from sticking to the pan. If it sticks, it'll burn really quickly."

Then he grabbed a couple of small jars from one of the nearby cabinets, opened them up and gave each of them a deep whiff to identify their contents. Satisfied with what he found, he placed them next to the stove and began scooping from each jar and mixing them into a small bowl.

"Here, I will show you a really easy marinade to use for the fish. Start out with two tablespoons of fermented soy beans. Which is also called Misu Paste back home. That gives it a really nice, rich sort of sweetness to it. A tablespoon of sugar, a couple of table spoons of white wine. Do you happen to have any on hand Twilight?"

"Oh sure! I usually have a couple of bottles of chardonnay around for Rarity or the princesses." Twilight replied.

"Have any beer in this place?" Gilda asked curiously.

"In the cellar, though I try to stay away from it unless we are having a party here or something." 

Heading into her wine closet, Twilight rummaged around through her various bottles. Gordon heard her drop and break a couple of bottles. A small flood of red liquid came pouring out of the, closet and into the kitchen like a red river. Twilight started cursing up a storm, using new unique words that made even Rainbow Dash cringe. A flash of violet appeared in the closet, and Twilight trotted out with her hair sopping wet, smelling of wine. The bottle was floating in her magical grasp as she handed it off to Gordon. He gave her an amused look which she did not have at all. Her annoyance only increased when Gilda and Spike began giggling at her expense.

"Spike?...Do you think you can get---" she started.

"The mop, sure yeah," he snickered as he ran out of the room.

"Sweet jesus, are you alright?" Gordon asked with concern. "I hope you didn't step in any broken glass." 

"I'll be fine...I just need a towel...and a shower before I go to bed. I smell like a brewery. Is this bottle alright?" she asked through gritted teeth presenting it to Gordon. 

"Hey, you'll be the life of the next party at least!" Gilda guffawed.

Twilight just shot them a silencing look before turning her attention back to Gordon.

Grabbing the bottle out of her magical grasp, he looked over the label. It had a small image of an outline of a hoof and the golden words said Bare Hoof Chardonnay. 

"Not sure if its like the brand back home, but this will do okay. I'm looking for the vinegar kick it will give the marinade anyway." the human said. "Spike lad! We need that towel on the double! I'd rather have a happy alicorn watching me work."

"I hear ya!" Spike called from down the hall.

Spike came dashing back into the kitchen with a mop in one claw and a large white towel in another and began wrapping up Twilight, patting down every inch of her. She seemed to feel a bit better once her coat wasn't soaked in wine, though her annoyance at Gilda and Rainbow didn't stop as the two continued to snicker at her.

"Please continue Gordon and let's never speak of this again shall we?" Twilight insisted.

"Fine with me. Long as you are alright to continue. I'll add a few table spoons of olive oil to my marinade. Then a bit of salt and pepper. I'm looking for a sort of nice, thick, rich marinade out of this."

He took a whisk and mixed the mixture together until it was smooth and viscous like honey.

"Now, we've gotta flip our fish fillets." he continued.

Using a spatula, he carefully flipped each slightly darkened fillet over on to their uncooked sides for a few seconds, and then placed all of them into a large raised pan where he poured the marinade on top of them.

"Let the fillets soak in the marinade for a few minutes. Now, we want something sort of pickly. Got any cabbage in here?"

"Coming right up chef!" Spike exclaimed as he ran into their produce cooler and came out with two big cabbages.

"Beautiful. Those will do nicely."

Grabbing both and placing them on a cutting board, Gordon sliced them length wise and started dicing them into tiny strips. He then placed the shredded cabbage into another small bowl and began seasoning it.

"A pinch of red chili flakes to give it a small hint of spice and a touch of fresh lemon juice," he said as he grabbed a lemon from a nearby fruit basket and squeezed out some of the juice into the cabbage.

Opening the spice cupboard again, he looked around the various bottles until he pulled one out that had a golden liquid dancing around inside of it. He then unscrewed the lid and smelled.

"Toasted sesame oil," he said with assurance. "Just a couple of drops of that into the cabbage.

"How can you tell?" Spike asked as he jumped up on to the counter.

"Smell is a sense we gotta improve in our field, sport," Gilda stated. "The scent of the food and the ingredients is part of the experience."

"And it certainly helps when a difficult owner won't tell me what they are putting into their food." Gordon added.

"You are REALLY into this Gil, I'm surprised." Rainbow replied.

"What, you just think I was into stunt flying, scones, and sleeping?" she asked.

"No, I just didn't expect a hobby like this out of you. You're what we like to call a valkyrie chick Gil, you're pretty hardcore. So its just a little jarring is all."

Gilda just laughed pridefully at that statement. Then she looked off into the distance with a dreamy gaze as if she was recollecting something from a long time ago.

"When I was a hatchling, I liked reading some of the ancient cook books in what was left of the Imperial Library. I guess it inspired me."

"The state of that magnificent library still haunts my nightmares,"Twilight shivered. "I wonder if I can convince the Steward to send them down here so I can repair all of the damaged books in Equestria?"

"Come on! What's next Gordon?" Spike asked impatiently. "This is making me really hungry!"

"Next, we mix the cabbage together, and set it aside into a bowl. Then we need something to bring the tacos all together. Have any wasabi around here Twilight?"

"I ALWAYS SAVE SOME FOR MY SPECIAL CUPCAKES!" Pinkie shrieked as she popped out of a pot. 

Everyone in the room nearly jumped out of their skins at the sudden arrival of the pink mare

"HOLY SHIT!" Gordon swore. "Can you please not fucking do that Miss Pie? You scared the living daylights out of me!"

"I heard a cry for help, and here I am!" she said innocently as she presented some ingredients to Gordon.

"Don't you have to babysit the Cakes again tonight Pinkie?" Twilight asked with a raised eyebrow.

"The little sweeties are fast asleep. I was getting booooooooored." she whined.

She handed over a tube of wasabi paste and a big bottle of Barbecue Sauce. Trying to compose himself, Gordon reluctantly grabbed the items. His mind did a double take however, when he took a look at the second item.

"I needed the wasabi, but not the Barbecue Sauce...."

"It's for tomorrow silly! Don't let that lady push you around!"

Pinkie ducked back into the pot and disappeared into thin air once again. Gordon tried his best to calm his breathing.

"That fucking mare is going to kill me one of these days, I just know it."

When everyone was calmed down, Gordon continued his cooking. His last step was creating a spicy mayonnaise and toasting tortillas on the stove to turn them into crunchy shells. He then used a rolling pin to shape them as they cooled and hardened. Preparing over a dozen plates was quite a hassle, but Gordon pulled it off rather nicely as he placed the plates on to a large tray.

His skills once again impressed the residents of Equis as they all sat down at a small table waiting for their food. 

"That smells really awesome Gordon," Rainbow said as she licked her lips greedily.

"I agree. Every time Spike or me cooks dinner, its just something relatively simple. Maybe we should invest in a head chef for the castle. Interested in a permanent job here Gordon?" Twilight asked jokingly.

"I guess I can consider anything at this point," Gordon chuckled in response. "My career has gone through some odd turns as of late."

The human chef didn't notice that all the while he was serving their dinner, a certain brash griffon in the room was eyeing him longingly. A longing look that she was certain would continue far into the future....

After dinner, Gordon and the girls all went off to bed to get an early start. Twilight was still unsure about any legitimate leads in the surrounding cities of Equestria, so she considered that searching around in Ponyville first would be a safe enough start. At the very least it might give them the home field advantage with their endeavors.

The next morning, Gordon woke up once again to another sunny day in the land of Equestria. The warm sunlight creeped through the curtains of his bedroom window and landed on his blanket, where it warmed him up delightfully in a comforting hug. Pulling off his blankets, he swung his legs off the edge of the bed and stretched them, hearing a satisfying pop from his joints.  He couldn't help but feel quite grateful that he had the honor to live in a castle with a princess while he conducted his services. When he first arrived, he was apprehensive to how unusually forward and friendly everyone in this dimension was. However, it was very refreshing as opposed to many of the abrasive people he had encountered in his long career. Out of all of them though, Gordon had found something of a kinship with Princess Twilight Sparkle and her adoptive son Spike. They reminded him much of his own family and in many respects of himself. They both shared a passion for learning and traveling to different places. The only difference was she was a bit more tolerant of foolish people than he was. Ever since he had arrived there in Equestria, she had treated Gordon like he was very much a part of their unique family. It got him to considering maybe owning a second house, in Ponyville, apart from his home on Earth. His wife and daughters would probably get along with his new friends swimmingly.

Gordon had a small breakfast with Twilight and Spike as they went over a few final plans before setting up the newest Nightmare. Rainbow and Gilda left soon after to Cloudsdale to get acquainted with her new permanent lodgings at Rainbow Dash's Cloud Mansion. Goldie sat down with them at the table and at quietly as she listened in on their conversation.

"Do you know the owner of this...Burger Princess?" Gordon asked the alicorn.

"His name is Skillet. He's a nice unicorn stallion," Twilight said cheerfully. "I've known him and his family since I moved to Ponyville. He runs the restaurant with his mother and father. Apparently they moved here from Clawstraila when his grandfather passed away. I remember hearing that something about a large inheritance was involved but I don't remember much else."

"Clawstralia? Fuck me freddy," Gordon swore silently at the inter dimensional pun. "Okay, so a literal family run business. A dying business type, but it is good to see it still in practice over here too."

"Lately however, I've been hearing that they have been getting sloppy with their quality and fights have been breaking out a lot more often than usual. Plus, they've been adding some...really weird native Clawstralain Aborigine dishes."

"Like what?"

"The usual really weird stuff," Spike replied nonchalantly. "Bat soup, Stuffed Beetles with Garlic Paste, Kangaroo Pies, Termite Dip, Eucalyptus Wraps, and even Scorpion Pops. I'm pretty sure those last two are extremely dangerous though. I'd rather not eat something that could poison me from the inside. I hear humans eat those things sometimes without any problems though."

"Ohhhhh," Gordon said in realization. "Yeah...that type of eatery is tricky to set up, especially if you arent catering to a specific audience. Plus, working closely with your own family in a business can be both a curse and a blessing, given the circumstances." 

Twilight lifted her glass of orange juice and gave a big swig of the drink.

"Twilight and I have always done business with each other and we still love each other," Spike insisted as he shoveled a pancake into his mouth.

"That's because you listen to me and follow my directions," the alicorn added as she rubbed the dragon's head affectionately. 

Spike simply smiled at the display and went back to eating.

"Boys are definitely easier too when they are little," Gordon chuckled. "You should have seen what my daughters and I were like."

"I hope I get the chance to meet them one day. Anyway though, after we're done eating, I should probably clean myself up a bit. We should probably get started on our newest operation soon."

"I'll wake up Jay and the others and give them a quick run down of what to expect. Take them with you and start setting up the recording equipment at the restaurant. I will arrive there this afternoon like I did the last two nightmares."

"Why do you do that anyway? Wouldn't it be easier just to go there the first time around with your team?" Spike asked.

"For recording a show, its better that the production team gets there first and lets the owners of the restaurant know what to expect. That way they will be a bit more familiar with our equipment and how we conduct the interview segments for each Nightmare." Gordon explained.

"I would imagine that it also gives the restaurant time to prepare themselves for your arrival." Twilight added.

Gordon shook his head.

"Sometimes, but more often than not, they either forget to or think that their restaurant is perfect."

"Well I certainly hope they can clean up their act before you arrive," Twilight said.

After they finished their food, Gordon woke up his production team and gave them a quick run down on their newest gig. He instructed Jay and his camera crew to follow Twilight across town, and begin their pre recordings for the episode. Gordon remained behind and went to Rarity's with Goldie to see her new living arrangements.

At the other side of town in the growing 2nd street, Twilight escorted the humans through the various new shops and restaurants that were slowly emerging in Ponyville. Her recent ascension to the throne attracted many a pony from all over Equestria to set up their businesses in her town of residence. Today was somewhat more relaxed and a small number of ponies were out and about spending their bits at each of the locations on the street. Twilight spotted the Flower Sisters setting up shop by the side walk, attracting many ponies with the scents of their plants and spices. The light sound of cello music could be heard through out the street, coming from one of the cafes.

Twilight directed the group towards the left side of the street where their objective lied. It was a single story building with a more contemporary design, like one would find in Manehattan as opposed to the rustic aesthetic Ponyville was known for. It had a simple white and black color scheme. Simple, but striking enough to capture the attention of the passing pony. Across the front side of the top of the restaurant were the words Burger Princess Shack in bold yellow lettering. A vague outline of Princess Cadence's crown sat at the top of the B in Burger, most likely as a trademark.

Heading inside, Twilight was met by an older light green unicorn stallion who recognized her instantly. He was a portly stallion with a blue shirt draping down his side. 

"Your highness! Crikey! Its been a while since we've been graced with your presence," the pony beamed. "Are you here for lunch? And who are these...fellas with you?"

The humans there recognized the accent as clearly Australian, but obviously it had to have been Equestria's version of the nationality.

"Its nice to see you again Red Skillet. I've been pretty busy with my royal duties. Not enough time for a nice burger out on the town unfortunately. I've really missed eating here a lot. Right now though, I am here for something else." she replied cheerfully.

"What can I do ya for your highness?"

"I would like to talk to all of you before we can get down to business if that's alright." 

The pony's smile turned into a frown of confusion, but he then shrugged and complied with her request.

"Alrighty. Tulip! Come out here sheila! We've got a prestigious guest who wants to talk with us!"

An older pink pegasus mare with a blonde mane and tired looking eyes came out of a back room and smiled when she saw Twilight. 

"Princess! It is good to see you again! We have missed hosting our finest customer!" the mare said.

She trotted up to the front and gave a quick bow to Twilight who felt slightly embarrassed by the display.

"Apparently the princess here has something she wants to tell us." Skillet said with an unsure tone in his voice.

"What would you like to talk to us about? And who are these strange people?" she asked

"Is there a place we can sit?

They nodded as they directed Twilight to and empty booth by the wall where they sat down on either side. The couple scooted over to give themselves enough room to move.

"What can us blokes do for you?" Skillet asked.

"Its more what I can do for you Skillet. I've heard that your restaurant has been having a lot of problems lately and I would like to help."

Both ponies had looks of exhaustion and disappointment on their faces as they lightly nodded back at her.

"Fair dinkum my lady," Skillet replied. "We've been having problems with our business ever since new ponies started showing up in Ponyville. These reviewers and big city folk are giving us a bad time. Our food used to be good, but our staff has become convinced that its bad now. Our son is working with us now, but even that has been causing some....family problems with us."

"We are at the end of our rope your highness. Our business is suffering and we don't know why." Tulip stated. "Can you really help us?" 

"Its not what I can do to help you, but what my new friend from Earth can do for you. His name is Chef Gordon Ramsay and he most definitely can help. I just hope you can take a lot of raised voices in here."

Next Time: Burger Princess Shack part 2