Shock had transformed Ocellus' body into a twisted edifice of ridges and angles. Her lungs strained under the change, pumping with an alien rhythm that was at odds with the staccato beat of her heart. Her mouth opened and closed, trying to find some purchase on the words that were clinging to her tongue, dizzy and uncoordinated. She had rehearsed them over and over during her flight, and their betrayal smothered the confidence she had been nurturing.
And all the while Smolder simply held her tight, her head nestled in the crook of her neck.
Ocellus inhaled warm air, her eyes fixed on the waves of heather dancing around them as she tried to figure out what to do. All of the words and gestures, all of the vulnerabilities she wanted to expose, had been lost to the wind the moment she had seen her girlfriend heading back towards the campsite. Smolder had been stomping through the scruffy fields of heather with such purpose, her shoulders like mountains and her tail whipping shadows across the amber light, that Ocellus' resolve had been eroded before she had even landed.
The memory of Smolder's eyes resurfaced, and Ocellus' body succumbed willfully to a terrible, wonderful shudder. Like glass glittering in the dusk, those eyes had momentarily betrayed her girlfriend. Ocellus had felt her throat tighten at the sight of them, but she had pinned down her doubts and returned the stare. As chitin replaced scale and hoof replaced claw, Ocellus had tried to ignore the sensation that her courage too was little more than just false skin.
And then suddenly Smolder had moved, and the world had spun as Ocellus was pulled into an embrace so tight that she had almost felt her carapace crack and give way. It had never been like Smolder to be so unguarded, and the honesty of it had left her reeling.
It was all so clear now. Everything made sense. Ocellus braced her hind legs and pressed her mouth to her girlfriend's ear.
"You're an idiot."
Smolder laughed. It was a beautiful sound, a broken mess of raspy mirth, brittle glass and shuddering sobs. "I'm a scared girlfriend," she replied. "You used the wrong synonym. I think you might be emotion drunk."
Ocellus wrapped her forelegs around Smolder's waist, the memory from that evening in their dorm room returning strong. There was a fragility to her girlfriend's voice, as though it was floating on water and likely to sink beneath the surface at any moment. It snagged in Ocellus' throat, but she couldn't deny that she also felt relieved. She was with Smolder. She was holding the real Smolder.
"You're not a scared girlfriend," she murmured. "You're just scared. I am too you know."
"It's not the same." Smolder's claws pressed a little tighter into Ocellus' back. "You don't understand."
Ocellus pressed her lips against the side of one of Smolder's horns. The sawdust purr that escaped from her girlfriend's mouth pushed back against the growing dusk, and as she followed its trajectory Ocellus realised she had been getting it wrong. It wasn't about disproving Smolder's fears at all.
"I'm... I'm scared of losing myself to be with you."
It was about letting them exist. It was about letting hers exist too.
Smolder pulled back to look at her, disbelief and uncertainty fighting for control of her face. As she moved the light caught the thin streams drying on her scales, turning them into glittering arcs. Smolder must have noticed her staring, for her hand flew up as though to scrub them from existence. Then she paused, her whole body growing tense.
Ocellus kept her eyes on Smolder's, her breath bursting to escape her throat.
Slowly, Smolder's hand returned to Ocellus' waist. Her girlfriend's snout was lifted in defiance, though her eyes again betrayed her.
"I was coming back to you," she said, her voice scratchy. "I wasn't running away."
Ocellus resisted the urge to pull her back into an embrace. "I know. At least, I realised after a lot of thinking."
Smolder winced, her tail lashing the heather behind her. "I made a mess of that, huh?"
"You handled it about as well as I usually do," Ocellus replied with a laugh. "We're, uh, we're pretty bad at this aren't we?"
A toothy grin bloomed across Smolder's face. "We're the absolute worst," she said, and suddenly Ocellus was back in her arms. "But we're also the best."
Ocellus nodded, and for a moment enjoyed the sensation of being so close to Smolder again. The darkening amber hues stained their bodies, muting the tones into one beautiful spectrum. A shiver rippled through her body as she pressed her face against her girlfriend's ventral scales.
Smolder cleared her throat. "Hey... I just wanted to say... I, uh, I don't know when I'm going to feel comfortable with all this. You know, really comfortable and... stuff."
Ocellus pressed a kiss against her scales. "Me neither. Honestly."
The weight of Smolder's head came down gently on top of her own. "I can't promise... I'm probably gonna do something stupid again, you know? At some point. Probably." A hiss escaped her mouth. "Lost hoards, I'm making a mess of this."
"I know." Ocellus leaned back so that she could meet Smolder's gaze. Her smile resisted all efforts to keep it under control, and eventually she gave up trying. Everything felt perfect. Everything felt honest. "I know you can't promise, I mean. And again, me too."
Smolder laughed at that. "You're so damn reasonable."
"That's because you're so dramatic."
"You ass!" Smolder leapt forward, tackling Ocellus playfully. The pair of them fell giggling amongst the heather and grass, the scent of disturbed magic catching in the breeze, staining the cooling air around them. Then they lay still, side by side, arms and forelegs linked, and stared up up at the jigsaw of reds and browns above.
"I love you," Ocellus whispered.
Smolder opened her mouth for what felt like the longest time before closing it again. Ocellus smiled. It didn't matter, she knew what her girlfriend was trying to say.
And when Smolder turned to look at her, when it suddenly felt as though her heart was drowning in the sun and the stars and everything wonderful, she knew that Smolder did too.