Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student

Twas a single day left before Hearth’s Warming Eve,

Most background and side ponies were preparing to leave,

‘Cause the Mane Six were stressing over preparations all throughout town.

Hence, everycreature was booking it, ‘cause shit’s about to go down.

The start of the second Christmas episode that season eight had,

Now listen to yet another earworm that Daniel Ingram created.

As the first song ends, Rainbow, Rarity and Fluttershy came out of it completely pissed,

For Twilight Sparkle had caught them in her fly paper Hearth’s Warming checklist.

The Princess needed some ponies for some relief after all the holiday preparations she'll do.

Her five friends sincerely hoped her holiday meltdown would end with her dead when this was all through.

It was then that AJ put forth an idea she had under her cow pony hat.

The Hearth’s Warming Helper; where one pony gives only one gift to one brat.

A way to have lesser hassle when giving friends gifts,

When obviously it’s ‘cause that dirtpony was running out of bits.

Pinkie objected to it, but nopony cared for that drugged up mare.

As lots were drawn, the gift finding began, with lots of time to spare.

However, Spike was unsatisfied with not getting the mare he desired,

So he bargained with AJ, who said trading with her Helper was required.

Going to his mistress, Spike started his search for who was Rarity's Hearth’s Warming Helper.

To which, Twilight shouted very loudly, "Fuck off!" and Twilight's quite the yeller

But before leaving, Spike planted an idea in Twilight's dirty minded head,

If the gifts she gave was good enough, Pinkie might end up in her little princess bed.

Meanwhile, Pinkie had no clue what to give Twilight

Without ending up fucking the princess all night.

As Pinkie debated with her fellow sisters on what to do,

Her sister, Limestone, just said, "Pinkie, you're screwed."

It was then that Pinkie thought up the perfect plan.

She packed her bags and moved to Yakyakistan.

Knocking over Spike, to whom she yelled, "I don't have Rarity!"

Dusting himself off, Spike muttered some vulgarities.

Just as Rarity passes by, who said she had AJ's card,

Getting the farmpony a gift seemed not that hard.

So Rarity was off to get Applejack a western styled fashion hat,

While Spike nearly revealed his cunning plan so he had to scat.

Over yonder, Rainbow tries to fool Fluttershy into revealing what she wishes to get.

Getting the best gift for her best friend, Rainbow Dash was dead set.

How has that mare not caught on what Rainbow's doing!?! That pegasus is dense.

Then Fluttershy declared, "She really likes everything!" which made no sense.

Fed up, Rainbow flew up and just left and I don't blame her.

Well, at least Spike found out that Rarity's helper was the animal tamer.

A one, two... switcheroo, and with that, Spike was gone.

Fluttershy just stood there confused on what was going on.

AJ then came to the scene, asking for help on what to get Spike...

That wouldn't cause yet another Spikezilla problem. Yikes!

Rainbow decided to give her friend a dumb candle as she didn't want to be a risk taker,

But her gift transformed into Discord; the chaos causing trouble maker.

It was then Discord said, "You insulted my friend a few lines back, you prick!"

With a mighty four-wall breaking kick.... "OWWW! DUDE! You kicked my dick!"

Discord merely smirked, "Serves you right you dumb writer." And he snapped away in a flash.

"Urgh... just get back in your Lumière getup and annoy Rainbow Dash!"

Discord criticized Rainbow on how little she knows about her friend with a cheeky grin.

Whelp. A fight between FlutterCord and FlutterDash shippers is about to begin...

Okay... moving along... Spike is fawning over finding a gift fit for the mare he likes,

But he realized he had no idea on what to give. Oh, yikes!

At Rainbow Falls, Fluttershy and AJ planned to gift shop on the go,

But Fluttershy was interrupted by an advertisement from Hasbro.

Buy now, one and all, only for an extortion of all you bits.

Once again the Flim Flam brothers were up to their old tricks.

In Yakyakistan, the ANGRY YAK PRINCE gave Pinkie aid against his own pride,

By sending her away on a quest to freeze to death beyond the mountainside.

And so Pinkie bade her yak friend goodbye,

But not before meeting with Yona to say hi.

The scene then changed on cue, 

To an annoyed Rarity in a queue.

But to her dismay, her present was sent elsewhere.

Okay, seriously. How is Muffins still a mailmare?

So off Rarity went to Sweet Acorn Orchard in discontent.

While in Ponyville, Spike has a shopping predicament. 

He needed to get a great gift that's fashionable and prim,

That'll guarantee in the end that she'll go to bed with him.

Flying over Spike, Discord was messing with Rainbow much to her annoyance,

To the point that if Discord drop dead right then, Dashie would be joyous.

It was then that Discord decided to take it up a level,

By conning Rainbow into getting a horrible gift. That sly devil.

"Your narrating is rather amateurish. How about I narrate from the start?"

"Dammit, Discord! Quit it! You're tearing this letter apart!"

In the Friendship Castle, Twilight was writing many charts hoping that any idea might ignite,

It was then she realised what to give, making a face that'll haunt my dreams tonight.

She had finally thought up the perfect present for her prey,

A Pre-Equestria pudding for Pinkie which will lead to some fun food play.

A legendary pudding that taste phenomenal as shown in this latest MLP lore.

Hey that kinda sounds like the Fourth Flavour from Codename: Kids Next Door. 

At Rainbow Falls, AJ debates getting Spike a non-enchanted comic or two dumb sticks,

It was getting pretty obvious that that farmpony bitch was running out of bits.

Fluttershy came in, introducing the Hearth’s Warming doll, Holly.

A doll so bland that it made AJ less than jolly.

It was then that AJ's bullshit detector started running,

Leading them to the two grinches who were oh, so cunning.

At Sweet Acorn Orchard, Rarity had arrived,

To a place so barren, Rarity wondered how anypony could survive.

It looked almost as desolate as Fallout ‘76.

At least til Rarity met two Vault Dwellers... I mean two hicks!

They were grateful to Rarity for her generous heart

For this surprise gift to their son, who found it a work of art.

Pistachio insisted for Rarity to stay for lunch with much determination.

He must be one of the few that actually gave the Friendship Journal much appreciation.

"Four hours straight!" Twilight angrily yells,

For her to find the missing recipe, which was under magical spells.

It required the precision and care of an expert cooking master.

It was easy to see that this would be a recipe for disaster.

It was then that Twilight’s thoughts were interrupted by a loud knock on the door

Twilight grumbled, "If it’s those Hearth’s Warming carolers again, I'm getting the C4."

Turns out the visitors at Twilight's castle was not whom she had suspected.

The slut, the crybaby, and the demon spawn were here. Earlier than expected.

Shining smirked mocking Twilight's frazzled mane and lack of preparations.

Twilight gave him an evil look that would send him straight to damnation.

Elsewhere, Pinkie trotted through chilling winds and snow,

Until she managed to successfully find the Gift Givers Grove.

Pinkie was greeted by an annoyed old deer that snatched her inside

Into a cottage so hot, it warmed up Pinkie's frost-bitten backside.

The trio of reindeer introduced as Aurora, Bori and Alice

Recommend to Pinkie not to give Twilight a gift wrapped phallus

With that they wrapped the best gift ever tied together with a riddle

A deus ex machina device that'll aid the ponies later out of a little pickle.

Pinkie, despite her fourth-wall breaking abilities, didn't realize the importance of what she'd got.

Due to the Gift Givers having drugged her with plates of cookies baked with some pot.

Back at the falls, AJ called out on the shenanigans of those two hacks

So the Flim Flam brothers revealed their plans for a resort expansion pack

Then they continued conning Fluttershy like a bunch of business tycoons

While an annoyed AJ wonders if the skip ad button would arrive soon

Pushed aside, AJ plotted on how to punish those no good slackers.

I'm surprised Fluttershy didn't send Discord on them, he's a great nutcracker.

In a forest, Dashie and Discord, dressed as assassins the lands they had combed

With their eagle vision to spot the trail of where the fantastic beast roamed.

Swiftly, Dashie caught the Winterchilla by flying up ahead,

And feeding it a razz berry and curve-balling an ultra ball on its head.

In his room, Spike made a gift himself ‘cause the shopping choices weren't cheap,

But failure after failure of crappy arts and crafts, he soon fell to a glittery sleep.

At the Falls, AJ and Fluttershy went through with the farmpony's idea

By ruining the brother's business with acting worse than Celestia.

Too bad AJ didn't realize that her plan had one little hitch,

That dumb mare had spent the last of her bits.

At the acorn farm, Rarity prepared herself to leave

Only for Pistachio to realize this gift wasn't for him to receive.

Touched, Rarity allowed him to keep it. His good nature making her blush.

Elsewhere, a sleeping Spike sensed somepony flirting with his crush.

AJ and Fluttershy rode the train back, lamenting their lack of presents,

‘Cause there's no way they're giving Holly away. It'll make them seem like cheap peasants. 

Twilight was busy cooking in the kitchen while Shining and Cadance could not help but worry

Of what a neglectful aunt Twilight was becoming to her niece Flurry

In response, Twilight explained to the couple that Twily-nanas she had not become

With the use of charts, diagrams, figures, graphs, lists and then some

But behind the scenes, putting the finishing touches of Twilight's gift making,

Was Princess Flurry Heart, helping herself to the holiday baking.

Dash and Discord arrive to the castle just as it was getting late.

In fact, Rainbow even invited Discord to join and celebrate.

Unfortunately, Rainbow didn't recall an old friendship lesson involving parasprites a while back,

That any cute and harmless looking creature may be a dangerous beast and that's a fact.

Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie and Spike all met up outside the castle.

Opening the doors, they found themselves in a Hearth’s Warming hassle.

A large mess of Hearth’s Warming pudding had exploded all over the castle floor.

I guess while Flurry was cooking, she must have added in a couple of Twilight's C4.

Things couldn't get any worse, the ponies may not get out of this bind.

That was when Discord and Rainbow ran in, with a Winterzilla chasing behind.

Caught between the Winterzilla and pudding, Twilight was livid

At her nimrod niece's cooking and Rainbow being so insipid.

‘Cause a Winterchilla becomes a Winterzilla after dark, you see.

"Does everypony knows this except me!"

So Twilight immediately used Vacuum Cleaner as bait

While Discord sat back and watch the beast continuing to decimate.

Simultaneously, the royal family fended off the possessed pudding, actually being useful for once

"Wait ‘til the season nine premiere. They become a complete dunce."

Fed up, Discord pointed out that they had an ace up their sleeve,

That Fluttershy could tame the beast and make it leave.

But Fluttershy decided to let the creature stay,

Since that'll annoy Twilight for the rest of the day,

And so, one problem was resolved and only the pudding remains.

Which Pinkie put a stop to with gingerbread and four candy canes.

With the turmoil ended and the day saved,

Everyone decided to enjoy the rest of the holiday.

And as Spike brings out a homemade guitar and begins to sing,

The final song for this holiday special begins