//------------------------------// // The Big Mac Question // Story: A Dream // by totallynotabrony //------------------------------// I was in that weird equals-sign village where Starlight had ruled as Equality Mayor.  I don’t know why anybody still lived there once they were free to go. Starlight sure didn’t. Furthermore, I didn’t think the place even had a name.  They just called it Our Town. Might as well have called it Stalingrad. There was really nothing to do in town, and I had only stopped by to take a leak on my way to other parts of Equestria.  I was setting up a network of direction-finding receivers just in case any more mysterious broadcasts began. I still wasn’t sure why blackout-me had pissed off waking-me in order to crash a giant rocket into the ground near Appleoosa.  It sure made a big crater. At any rate, I had to buy a muffin from Sugar Belle so I could use her bakery’s restroom.  When I came out, completely out of the blue, she said, “Could I hire you to plan a wedding?” “What.” “Well, not a wedding, just the most perfect proposal.  Maybe take out an option on the wedding later.” I shook my head.  “You came to me?  Wait, in this universe, how do you even know who I am?  Or are you just asking everyone who comes into your shop?” “You’re Valiant, right?”  She tilted her head. “I’ve heard that you’re...Applejack used the word ‘unstoppable.’  That’s the kind of pony I want handling my perfect proposal plan.” “What does Applejack have to do with it?” “She’s Big Macintosh’s sister, Big Macintosh, my beau.” “And he wants this too?” She nodded.  “I’m sure. We’ve been going steady for a while.  We’ve already talked about moving closer.” Shit, maybe in this universe the two of them could actually be together.  From what I’d seen, they kind of deserved it, too. “Just one question.  What about Marble Pie?” “His cousin?  Sure, I was planning to invite her to the wedding.” Cousin.  Well, that explained why Marble and Mac were so much alike. “One more question.  Is you head on securely?” She frowned.  “I...suppose?” Okay, not a dullahan in this universe.  Jeeze, for once things made sense around here. “Alright,” I said.  “I’m in. What did you want to do for this plan?” “Well, he’s a pony of few words.  I love that about him. So, I thought I’d use as many words as possible to propose.  I was going to write I-love-you-Big-Mac-would-you-like-to-spend-the-rest-of-our-lives-together-I-hope-you-say-eeyup! on little slips of paper and put each of them in a dessert for him to find.” I frowned and counted on my hooves.  “That’s... “Twenty one pastries.” “Who the hell could eat twenty one pastries, with the exception of maybe Pinkie Pie?  Who the hell would be willing to make twenty one different pastries, with the exception of maybe Pinkie Pie?” “I was thinking about Mrs. Cake, in Ponyville,” said Sugar Belle. “Why not you?”  I gestured around.  “This is a bakery. You’re a baker.” She rubbed the back of her head.  “Well...the difficulty and time involved with making twenty one distinct pastries.  Also, the freshness after transporting them all to Ponyville.” “So get Pinkie to do it, if you’re so married to the idea.”  Ha, pun. “Or, just don’t do it.” “Well, what should I do?” “Be romantic.  Don’t make him work for it.  Seriously, twenty one desserts?” “Okay,” she said.  “I’ll let you handle everything.  Whatever you think is best.” I walked out of her shop with no idea what I was going to do.  Seriously, planning a proposal? However, just then I ran straight into an angry mob. That was surprising.  I hadn’t gotten torches-and-pitchforks in my face for quite a while.  Couldn’t imagine what I had done this time. “There he is!” someone shouted.  “He killed all the babysitters and appliance salesponies!” “I did what?” “You took advantage of the Babysitters and Appliance Salesponies Convention in Appleoosa to kill them all!” “There was a Babysitters and Appliance Salesponies Convention in Appleoosa?”  I remembered talk about not letting children get spoiled and how refrigerators were awesome.  I just kind of assumed they were related. Curse you, Equestria, with your strange mashups.   “Are you sure you weren’t confusing them with cannibals?” I said. “Pretty sure.” “How do you know they weren’t also cannibals?” The members of the crowd all looked at each other.  Someone said, “You know, in retrospect, who else would have access to a lot of children and the means to keep them from becoming rancid?” “But cannibals are supposed to be members of the Cannibals and Hair-Dressers’ Society,” someone else pointed out. “See, exactly,” I said.  “I own a chain of salons, so you’d think I know a cannibal when I see one.” They couldn’t argue with that.  Bless you, Equestria, with your strange mashups.   I handed out business cards for bell-shaped hairdos and headed back to Ponyville, still trying to figure out what I was going to do for the proposal.  I decided to go to the farm and see if that gave me any ideas. When I arrived, I saw Big Mac and Spike under a tree together.  Mac opened a small box with a big ring inside. Spike gasped.  “It’s beautiful!” Oh shit. I was just about to do something stupid when Mac snatched the ring back from under Spike’s drooling mouth.  “Nope!” “I’m not gonna eat it!” Spike protested. Discord appeared just then.  “Eat what? What is it? I want to see!”  His eyes did weird extendo things like that one episode of the Simpsons about Stretch Man. “Nope!” Mac said again, this time pulling the ring away from Discord. “Why not?!” “Because you have a big mouth,” said Spike. “Me?!”  Discord put a claw/foreleg/hand/forward apendage/whatever to his chest.  “I keep tons of secrets! Like Fluttershy’s secret fear of clowns. Or that time I caught Twilight sleep-trotting through town.  Oh! And did you know that Octavia went on a date with Bulk Biceps? Talk about an odd couple. I heard that-” He paused, seeing the other two looking at him.  “Oh, all right, point taken on the secrets. But we’re pals, right? Comrades. Amigos. Come on!” Mac reluctantly showed him the ring. Discord gasped.  “BIG MAC IS GOING TO PROPOSE TO SUGAR BELLE!?” Oh, whew.  Hell, if Mac was going to propose to her himself, then I didn’t have to do anything. “Spill it!” Spike insisted.  “Every detail! Don’t leave anything out!” Mac, being a pony of few words, started to pull out some boards and tools.  Spike’s eyes brightened. “You’re making a picnic table that matches the shelf you made Sugar Belle for her shop when you had a crush on her, and you're setting up a romantic meal overlooking Sweet Apple Acres?” “Eeyup,” Mac confirmed.  He pulled out a bushel basket of apples, which had been painted and had little tags attached. “You sent her a letter to come to town and then painted apples to leave around Ponyville with little riddles tied to the stem that will lead her up here to meet you?” Spike said. “Uh, how did you figure that out?” Discord asked. “If you were a hopeless romantic, you’d know that was the only logical choice,” Spike told him.  “Come on, Mac needs time to finish the table, I'll pick up whatever food they need, and Discord, you put all the apples in place.” “Oh hell no!”  I couldn’t eavesdrop any longer.  I came stomping up to the three of them.  “Your plan is shit.” I glanced at Mac, who looked crestfallen, and quickly backpedaled.  “I mean, it has good parts. Building a table sounds great. Food sounds great.  I just think maybe we can do a little better in the other department.” “The apples?” Spike said. “Yes!  Why the hell would you paint them?  Don’t you already have several colors of apples around here?” I gestured to the orchard.  “Surely you can’t expect Sugar Belle to eat an entire bushel as she finds them around town.  And if she did, she wouldn’t want the picnic later.  So if she’s not eating the apples, what’s she going to do with them?  Just leave them for animals? The paint is going to make one of them sick and then you’ll have Fluttershy on your ass.” I shook my head.  “But the real problem here is that you thought Discord was going to be helpful.” “Hey now,” Discord said.  He snapped his fingers/claws/digits/whatever and all the apples disappeared.  “There, I helped.” “Are you sure put them in the right spots?” Spike said, suddenly dubious. “Those terrible riddles on the apples were very clear on the location.  I’m sure that they were placed properly and that Sugar Belle will find them.” “What if she doesn’t?” Spike asked. “Don’t be such a drama dragon.  I’ve precipitated liquid cocoa on Equestria and herded long-limbed leporidae.  I can certainly make a pony see an apple.” I let out a long sigh and turned to Big Macintosh.  “Look, I’m sorry, I tried. Now your entire proposal’s going to be ruined by some guy who doesn’t even know what a liopleurodon is.” “Leporidae.” “Shut up, Discord.” He polished his whatever-you-call-‘ems on his chest fur.  “I was just trying to help. It really is a curse having infinite powers.  Everypony is always asking you to move a couch or help with a proposal.” “Owning a pickup truck makes people ask you to move a couch.  A truck is a great power, and with great power comes great responsibility.  If you were less of a little bitch, then you might actually have enough power to start learning about responsibility.” He smiled.  “Ah, there you have it, from the mouth of Valiant himself.  I don’t have a responsibility to be responsible.” “Wait, go back,” I said, “what do you mean you were just trying to help?  What happened!?” “What makes you think something happened?” I gave him a flat look and headed for town. When I got there, the apples had all sprouted arms and legs and were screaming their clues at people in the street. Discord popped in just then.  “You know, thinking back, I probably could have been clearer which pony to deliver the messages to.” “Discord, do you have testicles?  Or some other means of reproduction that hurt a lot when abused?” “Why do you ask?” Discord watched a few ponies running from apples, sighed, and with a snap of his whatevers, all the mutant apples disappeared.  “I sent them back to Sweet Apple Acres. Apples are terrible at taking directions. Couldn’t even manage to stay in one location.  Now, bananas are much better at listening.” A banana popped into his hand. “Ring ring,” I said. He put the banana to his ear.  “Hello?” “You’re an asshole and nobody likes you.” “But...but what about you?” “I never said I wasn’t a hypocrite.” I turned away and spotted the CMC just coming out of Sugarcube Corner. “Hey Valiant,” said Scootaloo. “We heard something about a particular plan Big Macintosh had?” said Sweetie Belle. “But everypony keeps saying we’d blab if we found out,” Apple Bloom lamented. Yes, maybe.  I was just about to reply, when suddenly there was a distant roar and a giant apple megazord rose up out of the orchard, looming taller than the trees.  “SUGAR BELLE!” it bellowed. “What?” said Sugar Belle, who had apparently recently arrived in town.  She looked at me. “Was this part of your plan?” “Hell no,” I said.  The CMC had seemed excited, but their faces fell. “Well, if you didn’t plan it, we should probably do something about it,” said Apple Bloom, gesturing to the latest giant monster to threaten the town. “You’d think we’d be used to things like this in Ponyville,” said Sweetie. “I’ll get Twilight,” said Scootaloo, starting to turn away. “No!” I called her back.  “The only thing that could possibly make this shit worse would be to let Twilight goddamn Sparkle try untested transformative magic on it.”   I closed my eyes, put my hoof to my face, and sighed.  “Discord, if you don’t fix this, then I will. My way.” “Oh, um…” he said. I looked at the CMC.  “Make him fix it.” I looked at Sugar Belle.  “You, come with me.” I left Discord there with the girls, looking suddenly like he was regretting a couple of life choices.  I took Sugar Belle to the farm. “What was that all about?” she said. “Don’t worry about it.”  I glanced at the pie she was carrying.  “I thought you weren’t going to make anything.” “Well...I’m a baker.  I just did it. I made one pie, completely normal.” “That actually works out really well.” “Works out well with what?” she said. “The proposal.  I’m doing what you wanted me to do.” “Oh, so you do have a plan.”  She looked relieved. “Do you have the ring?” “Um, no?” she said. “Then what the hell were you supposed to use to propose to him?” “He’s an earth pony; he doesn’t have a horn to put a ring on.” “Then what do earth ponies use instead?” A look of oh shit went across her face.  “I...don’t know?” Oh great. We came upon the hill where Mac had built the picnic table.  He seemed surprised to see me with Sugar Belle. I grabbed the pie and tossed it on the table and then turned to the both of them.  “Get on your knees.” Okay, in retrospect, a command like that coming from a guy like me might be taken the wrong way.  Still, they did it. “Propose,” I said, pointing at both of them.  “Get it over with, and then you can have some delicious pie at this picnic table.” They looked at each other.  “Will you-” they both started, and then both stopped, because they were talking over each other. They blushed, collected themselves, and then simultaneously replied, “Eeyup!” They kissed. I staggered.  Holy shit, what was that?  Was that a feeling? I turned away.  My face felt hot.  What the hell? I glanced over my shoulder.  Mac was taking the ring out of the box.  It was on a chain, and he hung it around Sugar Belle’s neck.  She was a unicorn, it was a ring, so what was with the necklace…? I shook my head.  I didn’t get paid enough to make sense out of pony matrimony.  Wait, I wasn’t getting paid at all. Why had I agreed to this? Wandering away, I found myself down at the Apple Family house.  Granny Smith was sleeping in a rocking chair on the porch. Something, possibly the sound of me drinking, woke her up. “Oh, hey there, Valiant.”  She yawned and stretched. “I just had the most peculiar dream.” “Hmm?” I said, bottle still upended in my mouth.  glug glug glug “It was about Grand Pear.  Only it wasn’t. We were in outer space on some kinda mission to explore a strange new world.” Okay, I admit, she had me interested.   “And Mudbriar was there, bein' as logical as ever, but his ears was all pointy-like.” Okay, pony ears were already pointy, but whatever.   “And then Discord showed up and...well, you know, he was pretty much the same.” “And Gene Roddenberry called it Star Trek.”  I blinked.  Why had I just said that?  I looked around. Big Macintosh in a tuxedo and Sugar Belle in a white dress were staring at me.  We were in a section of the orchard with both pear and apple trees. A lot of other people were around. Oh shit, I’d just blacked out straight into a wedding, I was the ordaining official, and apparently had just delivered a sermon about science fiction TV shows from my world. Trying to get my bearings after the time skip, I recognized several members of the Apple Family standing behind Big Mac.  Sugar Belle’s side of the party didn’t have anyone who looked like her, just a few of her neighbors from Our Town. I guess that made sense; ponies with good relations with their families probably weren’t the chief targets of Starlight Stalin. Everyone was staring at me, possibly impatiently. “Um, so you’re married now,” I said. The two of them kissed and the crowd cheered.  I was still trying to figure out why they’d picked me to do the honors.  I mean, I was ordained, not that it really mattered in Equestria. “Do us next!” said Lyra, running up to me while holding hooves with Bon Bon. “You want to get married?” They both smiled and pulled out rings. “Hnnng.” “Are you okay?” Bon Bon asked. I clutched my chest.  “Uh...yeah. Give me a second, though.” I took a breath and straightened up.  “But if I’m going to do this for you, I’m going to need something in return.”