“So, why do you think they put ‘science’ in all capital letters?” Smolder asked as she her friends stood in front of Ponyville’s newest store. It was a large but otherwise unassuming structure, only really notable for the fact that it had sprung up into existence seemingly overnight. In a town such as Ponyville, however, this was only a mildly odd occurrence rather than anything worth being too amazed over.
“Yona confused. What science have to do with party supplies?” Yona asked as she pondered the store’s declared mix of offerings.
“Probably about as much as quills have to do with sofas,” Gallus snarked. “Personally, I’m just surprised Professor Pinkie Pie isn’t camped out here waiting for the place to open. You’d think the grand opening of a party supply store would be something she’d be all over.”
“Oh, she was really excited about this,” Silverstream said. “I ran into her in school while I was heading here, she was planning on coming but Professor Rarity stopped her because they’re having some sort of big faculty meeting.”
Any further chatter was forestalled by the high-pitched squeal of microphone feedback as speakers embedded in the outer walls of the store came to life. “Attention Ponyville! I, the great PROFESSOR BOFFINSPARK hereby declare my party supply and SCIENCE! emporium to be open!” Accompanying the declaration was an elaborate fireworks display, which proved to be remarkably visible despite going off in the middle of the day.
“Wow, they’re just those unlicensed fireworks Miss Trixie sells out of a back alley at midnight that we’re not supposed to know about,” Silverstream marveled as she watched the display.
“Yeah, I’m actually kind of curious about what this Boffinspark guy is selling now,” Gallus added. “Come on, let’s check out the inside.” Pushing the door open Gallus strode inside, the rest of his friends following closely behind. The interior of the store looked like a fairly normal party supply store at first glance, with rows of neatly labeled shelves displaying the expected balloons, streamers and so forth. As one looked further back, however, the rows became increasingly poorly lit and stocked with unidentifiable devise of all shapes and sizes.
While her friends wandered through the aisles, Ocellus found herself drawn to the store’s checkout counter, which sported an odd-looking notice. “The proprietor of this establishment reserves the right to refuse service to the following; Undead, Cultists and –” Here the word ‘changelings’ had been written and subsequently crossed out, replace with ‘unreformed changelings’, which had also been crossed out before the author had settled on ‘Queen Chrysalis and current associates’.
“Huh, so does the guy who runs this place have a problem with changelings or something?” Sandbar asked as he glanced at the notice.
“I don’t…think so? I mean, it looks like he changed it a few times to specify that he only doesn’t like evil changelings, and I can’t really blame somepony for not wanting to do business with Queen Chrysalis,” Ocellus said.
“HA! You here that, Igor?” A triumphant sounding voice cried out from the back of the shop. Moments later, a portal opened in mid-air just behind the counter, depositing an orangutan and a lab coat clad unicorn behind it. Morning later, the unicorn emerged with a massive grin as he looked down at Ocellus. “See? Our first changeling customer and she gets why the ex-Queen is on our do-not-serve list. Miss, as thanks for your contribution to proving, once again, that I was completely right I’m giving you a ten percent discount on whatever you purchase today!”
“Um, thank you?” Ocellus replied as she watched the orangutan pull itself to its feet.
“Ook.”
“Yes, I know a sample size of one isn’t necessarily indicative of anything under normal circumstances, but as Ponyville currently has a changeling of one (as far as I know) which means this case is an exception!” Boffinspark fired back.
“Ook.”
“So then what do you suggest, mister ‘I don’t want to appear insensitive’?” Boffinspark snapped before appearing to realize that his customers were staring at him. “You know what, we can continue this conversation later. Go, I don’t know, sweep something. I have business to conduct. Now then, how can I help you fine young creatures today?”
“Well, first you could explain what exactly a science store is, anyway,” Smolder replied.
“First of all, my young dragon, this is no mere emporium of science, but rather SCIENCE!” Boffinspark declared theatrically. “Here in this humble store I offer ponies the fruits of my scientific genius; devices capable of offering master over the very building blocks of reality itself!” Boffinspark let out a sigh as he slumped back down to the counter. “Regrettably, however, I’ve found that Ponyville offers a somewhat limited market for multiphase ionic oscillation units, so I had to expand my offerings to party supplies to boost revenue. You know, balloons, streamers, explosive ordinance, confetti, the usual.”
“I’m pretty sure one of those things isn’t something most ponies would consider to be usual party supplies,” Sandbar said,
“What, the streamers?” Boffinspark asked. “It’s the streamers, isn’t it? I knew they seemed extraneous, but Pinkie Pie assured me –”
“I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” Gallus quickly interrupted. “I mean, it’s your store, after all, if you want to sell streamers then go for it. Anyway, what were you saying about explosive ordinance?”
“Ah yes, a classic party planning tool, and a particular specialty of me,” As Boffinspark spoke he pressed a button concealed under the counter, causing a section of wall to slide open revealing a cornucopia of cannons, rockets, bazookas, and other such devices. “Now, of course you have the standard party cannon, which for a small additional fee can be fully personalized with additional detailing. The standard model is a classic, but I can offer so many other options; multi-barrel versions, long-range howitzer models for when you need to set up for parties across town, and if you prefer going in the other direction I also offer wearable back and side mounted cannons for the part on the go!”
The six friends eagerly crowded around the arsenal of party-based weaponry on display. “These look just like Professor Pinkie’s party cannon,” Silverstream said.
“Yona like idea of wearable cannons, but Yona can’t decide between one big cannon for back or two saddlebag cannons,” Yona said as she perused the professor’s offerings.
“Who says you have to choose? I’ll tell you what, if you purchase a back-mounted unit and a set of saddlebag cannons, I’ll throw in a full custom paint job for the set free of charge!” Boffinspark said gleefully.
While Yona worked how to apply traditional yak design sensibilities to a cannon barrel, Ocellus found herself drawn to one of the glass cases in the display. Inside the case were a series of round, gaily decorated objects, each about the size of a large apple. “Oh, these look pretty.”
“Those are one of my latest designs; the party grenade. Just pull the pin, throw and KABLAM! Instant party!” Boffinspark declared before clearing his throat. “Now, technically I am obligated to inform you that the party grenades have not strictly speaking been approved for sale by any Equestrian safety organization. As such, if you want to purchase any of these, I’d just need you to sign a minor little liability waiver. Nothing significant, mind you, mostly just some legal boilerplate, really.” As Boffinspark spoke, Igor waddled over with a stack of papers comparable in thickness to the textbooks Headmare Twilight assigned for her History of Friendship in Equestria class. “Can I get you a pen?”
Gallus, meanwhile, had found himself walking past the various party cannons, party bazookas and a device that vaguely resembled a piece of pest pony equipment described as a ‘party-thrower’. Eventually, Gallus stopped in front of what appeared to be a highly detailed model of a device set up to hang in mid-air. “Yo, professor, what’s this thing supposed to be?”
“What you see there is a model of what will eventually be the final word in party-centric ordinance; the Orbital Party Cannon. Imagine it, a large-bore party howitzer in stable orbit looking down at Equestria, able to deploy a full cute-ceanera anywhere in the world at a moment’s notice. Unfortunately, for some reason ponies seem somewhat uneasy about the idea of my having access to an orbital cannon, and thus I’ve had some difficulty securing funding for the project.
“Gee, I can’t imagine why,” Gallus said, his voice dripping in sarcasm.
“I know, it’s completely irrational. I mean, essentially, it’s just an extra-large party cannon. It isn’t as though I’m secretly building a device able to collect the ambient energy given off by friendship and then fire it in a rainbow-colored beam of unbridled power!” Boffinspark declared.
“That’s…weirdly specific,” Smolder said, tearing her attention away from a rapid-fire party-zooka.
“I assure you it’s nothing you need to worry about, just a completely non-suspicious, normal remark that absolutely does not warrant any future investigation,” Boffinspark said quickly. “In fact, just to show how completely unremarkable that remark was I’m going to offer you all half-off on all party supplies if you agree to never speak of it again.”
*********
“So, that just leaves one more order of business before we finish today’s meeting,” Twilight said to her assembled friends / school staff. “I understand that some of you would like to propose issuing a ban on students shopping at Professor Boffinspark’s new store-”
“WHAT?” Pinkie Pie yelled. “You want to ban our students from going to a party supply store?”
“A party supply store run by Boffinspark,” Rainbow Dash said. “Anything that guy sells is either gonna blow up, or blow somepony else up, or set something on fire. Probably all at once.”
“Now hold on, Rainbow, not everythin’ in that store of his is primed to explode or somthin’,” Applejack protested. “The professor showed me ‘round the place when he was settin’ up and a good chunk of what he’s sellin’ is just normal party supplies. Now, Ah’m not sayin’ we let the students buy just whatever from there, but maybe we don’t need to put a ban on the entire place.”
“As much as I share your concern, Rainbow Dash, I think I actually agree with Applejack on this,” Rarity added. “If we can convince Boffinspark that he’d be more successful selling balloons and confetti then perhaps we could steer him away from his…other interests.”
Rainbow Dash settled back down into her seat as she considered what Rarity had said. “Okay, I guess that makes sense. As long as we only let Boffinspark sell regular party stuff to the students and not any of his crazy experimental doohickeys then we probably don’t need a full ban.”
“Alright, it sounds like we’re in agreement that students will be allowed to patronize Professor Boffinspark’s shop, but will only be permitted to purchase regular party supplies. I’ll put together an official statement and we’ll make the announcement in the morning. Now, if there’s nothing else that anypony would like to discuss I think we can-” Before Twilight could declare the faculty meeting adjourned, a series of explosions rattled the entire building. “What in Equestria?” Twilight yelled as she threw open the doors to the faculty lounge to find the hallways of the school covered in balloons, streamers and cake frosting. As a bewildered Twilight slowly stepped into the hall, she found herself nearly bowled over by Silverstream, who was flying through the air at top speed, leaving a trial of confetti behind her as she went.
“Woohoo! This is awesome, my cousins in Seaquestria are never going to believe they have things like this on the surface!” Nearly a dozen thoughts ran through Twilight’s mind all at once as she watched Silverstream vanish down the hall, one of which concerned the school rules against running in the halls. Such thoughts were quickly scattered, however, as the sound of cannon fire echoed through the air. Moments later, the source of the new ruckus came lumbering around the corner, much to Twilight’s dismay.
“Yaks best at parties!” Yona cheered happily as she charged into view. The young yak resembled a hairy battleship, veritably bristling with small cannons sticking out from her sides while a full-sized party cannon was strapped to her back. As soon as Yona fully turned the corner she fired off a salvo from her cannons, sending a blizzard of confetti down the hall.
“Whoa nelly, what in tarnation’s goin’ on out –” Applejack started to ask before seeing Yona rumble past. “Never mind, Ah can already guess. Look’s like some of our students have already gone shoppin’ at the professor’s store.”
“Ooh, were those the new party cannon models Igor said the professor was working on?” Pinkie Pie asked excitedly as she watched Yona disappear down the hall.
Twilight, meanwhile, took a deep breath to calm herself before assessing the situation. Granted, having her students armed with party cannons wasn’t an ideal situation, but it was hardly the worst-case scenario. All she needed to do was gather the students up, explain to them what was and wasn’t appropriate for indoor use and –
“Incoming!” Twilight’s thoughts were once again interrupted as an explosion from the school courtyard rattled the windows and spattered them with what looked like cake frosting.
“Is it just me, or did that sound like Sandbar?” Pinkie Pie asked mildly as she inspected the cake frosting covering the other side of the window.
“We should probably head outside and see what’s goin’ on,” Applejack said as she gently nudged Twilight along. The Princess of Friendship hadn’t said a word, but the twitching in her right eye didn’t bode particularly well for anypony.
As the group quickly made their way towards the school courtyard they continued to hear the booming sounds of small cannons being fired, accompanied by bouts of panicked yelling. Once they reached the courtyard, they found it covered in balloons, streamers and baked goods, as though a tornado had picked up a party supply store and emptied its contents over the school. Above the courtyard, Gallus and Smolder were engaged in a dogfight of sorts, each armed with a colorful bazooka that fired clouds of streamers and confetti. Neither of the pair had especially good aim, however, and their errant blasts seemed to account for a large portion of the courtyard’s mess.
The cause of the rest became quickly apparent as a pink, apple-sized ball landed next to Twilight’s hooves. “Headmare Twilight, watch out!” Ocellus’ voice rang out as Twilight leaded down to inspect the object, only for it to detonate. The explosion left Twilight completely coated in vanilla cake frosting, along with a smattering of lit birthday candles.
“Hmm, its not bad, but I don’t think its quite up to Sugar Cube Corner standards,” Pinkie Pie said as she scooped some of the frosting off of Twilight and tasted it. “And the explosion kinda destroys the ‘cake’ part of the birthday cake, thought it does give the frosting a nice smoky aftertaste.” Pinkie Pie’s critique of the apparent party grenade was briefly cut short as a salvo from Smolder’s party-zooka detonated above the doorway, showering Twilight and her friends with confetti. “Um, Twilight?” Pinkie Pie asked as she noticed her friend had started trembling violently. “Are you okay?”
*********
“You know, Igor, all in all I stills ay this whole experience was a complete success,” Professor Boffinspark said as he reviewed the newly passed town ordinances regarding his party supply sales.
“Ook.”
“I think your worrying too much, the ban makes a specific exemption for Miss Pinkie Pie, and she represents most of those sales anyway. Plus, I already have a workaround in place to reach anycreature else who’s interested.
“Ook.”
“What? Of course I don’t intend to sell my party supplies in some back ally at midnight! What kind of irresponsible ne’er-do-well do you take me for? I’m going to commission Miss Trixie to do that for me. As a bonus, that should leave us plenty of time to focus on a far more pressing matter,” Professor Boffinspark said.
“Ook?”
“Why, collecting a genetic exemplar from our Princess Twilight, of course! The secrets of alicorn transformation aren’t going to unlock themselves, after all.”